Monday, July 27, 2015

The Bachelorette Finale: The Inner Douche Reveals Himself!

Is everybody ready for what will surely be a SHOCKING finale??? This is going to be a finale LIKE NO OTHER. Or, it will end the same way as almost every season- a proposal that doesn't actually go anywhere. CRAZY. So tonight we start with Kaitlyn introducing the remaining 2 guys to her family... and they are NOT happy that Nick V. is one of the men. That guy was a DOUCHE on Andi's season, so get him out of here! She confesses to her family about her sex-scapades and I'm like... you just told your dad that?!? Who are you?!? So naturally the family is really excited about Nick being their future in-law. But I'm just betting that everyone will end up telling Kaitlyn that they actually love him at the end of the day and everything will be great! Because nothing is shocking in these finales. I do appreciate that the family keeps asking him why he is here. Because that's what we all want to know.

Nick sits down to talk to the mom, and boy does his acting ability come out! He even busts out the tears when talking about how much he wants to be with her forever! Wow, good work, Nick. He must have taken acting lessons between seasons. The parents give Nick their blessing to propose... if only there was more time to get to know him better maybe they would see the truth...

Well, Shawn has to meet the family the next day, and I guesssssss they will give him a chance too even though they already like Nick........ Kaitlyn tells them he is jealous and that is a BIG red flag. Now they are NOT going to trust him with anything. So Shawn actually blows them away by being way more eloquent than Nick could ever dream to be, and he proves himself to be a great guy right away. The mom decides to bring up the Nick sex scandal to Shawn and I'm sure he's like, really? Don't you want to learn more about ME? He does a great job fending off the ridiculous questions and even the mom starts to tear up. Kaitlyn's sister even tells her that she is Team Shawn, and does anyone else notice how taken aback Kaitlyn is in response? It's as if she doesn't want her family to prefer Shawn because she knows she prefers Nick deep down. Shawn gets the parents' blessing and he seems to be their pick. But that hasn't always convinced Bach's in the past...

Kaitlyn now gets one last day with each man in the romantic and tropical... California! But really. What happened to ABC's budget? Kaitlyn and Nick go out on a boat and talk and as final dates usually are, it's pretty boring since they pretty much just talk all day. But Kaitlyn needs to decide how she really feels about him!!! Nick uses his half unbuttoned shirt to lure Kaitlyn into thinking that the physical relationship is all she needs, but also uses his intellect to compose a gag-me romantic gift that he clearly did not come up with himself. And she can see their future together and knows he is the one! Oh but wait, there's another guy here...

Speaking of that, Shawn's date arrives and Kaitlyn acts awkward as hell. We get the vibe that she is preferring Nick and therefore doesn't know how to treat Shawn... We've seen this before. Instead of being happy and spending a fun time together like she did with Nick, they just sit together awkwardly and barely talk. Great... Kaitlyn keeps freaking out because she knows she will get engaged tomorrow, but she doesn't know to which man. Does everyone else think this is the most insane premise of a show ever? The woman knows exactly when and where she will be engaged, but not sure who the fiance will be. Why has this become the precedent?!? Can't we just end the show by being a normal couple without having to commit to an entire life??? Just ridiculous. Also, when did the precedent become that the final 2 have to give her a meaningful gift that they "handmade" (with the help of the producers)? Anyway, Shawn's gift is way more real and actually meaningful to their relationship than Nick's dumb generic gift. But it's obvious that she likes Nick better. She's all about the physical!!! We all know that.

Kaitlyn is officially stuck because she apparently has no idea what she is going to do and loves them both. Well you have ONE day to get over someone enough that you'll be ready to get engaged to another guy. Good luck!

Well, my favorite thing has happened- BOTH men have picked out rings and both intend to propose, and she did NOT do the decency of letting one go home before he got all excited. Which basically means that one of these men is going to be CRUSHED, and possibly down on one knee when she breaks his heart. SO horrible yet so entertaining! At least Nick finally got to meet Neil Lane! Second time's a charm? It seems as though Kaitlyn has finally figured it out, and the first (loser) limo is arriving... and, OMG is this real...???? NICK comes out! HE'S NOT THE WINNER?!? She lets him talk first, and that means he is going to go through with the proposal.....! What a bitch for letting him do this!!! Stop him!! Or really, don't. He deserves the humiliation. Finally she stops him as he pulls out the ring, but she can't even speak. SO AWKWARD. She better watch out or he will publicly shame her and throw her under the bus like he did to Andi. What a classy guy- he attacks her and insults her feelings and basically makes her feel like shit for not loving him as much as she loves her. Yeah, this will make her change her mind. HIS TRUE COLORS COME OUT. Get this douche out of here once and for good!!! DON'T COME BACK NEXT SEASON. Peace.

Kaitlyn better blow her nose and get someone to clean up her makeup before Shawn arrives. Yikes, not in good shape. That's why you should send them home BEFORE getting all dressed up... Lesson learned. Shawn arrives and we are all ready for a big shocker!!! Right? As promised? Nope, something completely typical happens. Shawn gives a lovely little monologue (that I wonder how many times he practiced... it was pretty well rehearsed), and Kaitlyn can't stop smiling so he must know that she has picked him. OKAY I am such a sucker for this show and I can't stop smiling either when the proposal occurs. He is so sweet! I am actually really happy they are together and hope they will make it in real life! HA. I actually give them a 60% chance of staying together, and that's pretty promising! Good choice, Kaitlyn, at least you didn't pick the douche!

Per usual, this is not over yet! We get to sit through another hour of BS interviews just in the hopes of some kind of *important information* coming out. Should I be reevaluating my life right now?? The apparent main event is Chris Harrison forcing Shawn and Nick to sit together and talk, and boy is this uncomfortable! They don't even make eye contact as they try to explain their feelings towards each other... Chris Harrison even tries to make them hug it out, and the guys are like. Um. No. Chris is also dying to get more detail about Kaitlyn and Nick's prior relationship. What is he getting at? He is trying to get them to admit something but we aren't sure what...? Does he think they had been intimate before the show? Does that matter now? She picked Shawn, move on. Later, Nick asks Kaitlyn why the hell she let him do the proposal before rejecting him, and she's like... valid point. I guess I wanted to embarrass the shit out of you. Sorry, my bad! Finally, Kaitlyn and Shawn make no special announcements, and this officially becomes an hour of wasted time.

But don't worry... BACHELOR IN PARADISE starts Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally the real fun begins!!!! Can't wait to see the amazing-ness that is this coming season. Until then!

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Week 9 Recap: Drama Please!

This week we get to see the big showdown between Nick and Shawn that has been building for weeks... Am I the only one who hopes they actually just straight up beat the shit out of each other? Now that would be entertainment. In other news, they are still in Ireland. Remember the good old days when they would travel to a new place every week? Has the budget been cut for recent seasons or something...? I mean, the overnight dates need to be in a tropical location to fully enjoy them!

Anyway, we start with the guy who actually has no drama and nothing wrong with him that I can see, Ben. He is such a great guy and so sweet and loving and perfect. So of course he will not win. This chick prefers drama! Kaitlyn knows that Ben is the greatest guy ever, but I'm pretty sure she will eventually say that she just doesn't feel the spark the way she does with the other two guys, even though he is the best pick. Alright, I could also be okay with Ben as the next Bachelor if they don't pick Jared. They are both great!

Well Ben and Kaitlyn enjoy a lovely day of horseback riding and dining in a castle etc etc and Kaitlyn is just happy! (It's never good when they use the word happy, that means they don't feel the passion...). Ben admits that he is very young (just turned 26!) but since he acts so mature, she doesn't care. Phew!  They get the fantasy suite invite and Ben is the sweetest person in the world when he explains that he doesn't even care about the other guys, he only ever thinks about and wants to be with her. He accepts the invite for the "best sleepover ever" and they head up for their "off camera time"... Hopefully Kaitlyn will wake up feeling in love! (Sadly I doubt it). Kaitlyn ends the date with Ben torn because she was hoping he would be a dud that she could just eliminate in favor of her top 2. But apparently she realized that he is so much better than the other guys and now doesn't know what to do! Go figure. We'll see how Shawn's date goes though...

Kaitlyn takes Shawn golfing which apparently they both love so it is perfect! Lucky for Shawn, Kaitlyn has a good swing, which makes her wife material! (Is that the qualification?) After the game, Kaitlyn makes Shawn strip down naked and streak the field, which obviously she is loving because she gets to see him naked finally... she couldn't wait until tonight?? Anyway, she is having the BEST time because she loves making people run around naked with black boxes covering their privates, BUT they are going to need to get serious tonight...

Later at dinner, Kaitlyn decides that we need to just get the whole Nick thing out on the table. Great date convo! Shawn explains his hatred for Nick and tries to rise above it, even though he is super fired up. Apparently Kaitlyn is all pissed because Shawn told the guys about being Eskimo Brothers with someone.. I mean... Not the biggest deal in the world. Have you been to college? Get over that. Kaitlyn decides they need the fantasy suite time to talk about this more, and I'm like, don't you want to use the fantasy suite time to, you know, be together? 

The next morning Shawn leaves pretty abruptly (or so it seems) and runs into... Nick! Shawn continues to talk at Nick, threatens him, and basically tells him to fuck off. They have another stupid yelling match and we are all over this. With both of them. Just pick Ben!! Kaitlyn sits down with Chris Harrison to talk it out and admits that this drama is making her lose interest in both of them... But you can tell when she talks about Nick that she clearly favors him over the others. I'm sure that will work out for you! Have fun with that one. She says she will be following her heart, which means she will not be thinking logically, which means keep the drama going!

Side note: Dear ABC, Nobody likes these middle of the episode rose ceremonies. They are supposed to be the suspenseful END of the episode that gets us excited for the next week. This stupid format just makes us not even care about the whole ceremony. So stop. Okay rant over. As the rose ceremony begins, Kaitlyn needs a minute to compose herself because she is about to break a wonderful heart! The first rose goes to Nick, duh, and none of us even care anymore. The other rose goes to Shawn and the drama continues! Is anyone surprised? Ben is a wonderful great amazing guy but he just doesn't fire her up like the other two. You are amazing and you will find a great woman who is better than Kaitlyn! Go on Bachelor in Paradise! Fall in love! Move on! Forget this bitch! Even as he leaves, he compliments her and is so sweet just saying that he will miss her. Gahhhh could we love you more?? Doesn't this remind everyone of Marcus with Andi? Go to paradise and find your Lacey and be happy forever!

Anyway, Kaitlyn just realized that her final 2 men hate each other and now she's in some deep shit. Hopefully these hometown dates will clarify things! So apparently these aren't actually hometown dates, but they are all just meeting up in Utah. Okay. Isn't the point like to see where they grew up and such...? Lame. At least do this on a tropical island! First she meets up with Nick where he awkwardly professes his love for her, and it was a total flashback to how he was with Andi... Maybe it's not so genuine after all...? At the hotel, Nick's family is totally NOT excited to do this all over again and they are literally all crying at the thought of meeting Kaitlyn. Great start! Don't worry, this time he will win and the breakup won't come for another few months, so don't cry yet! Oh yeah, remember how Nick has like 50 siblings? I had forgotten about that. So... Nick's family is super sweet and makes me actually think he is a nice guy. How could such a manipulative guy have such a wonderful family?? Kaitlyn loved meeting the family and it seems pretty obvious at this point that he is going to win. 

Well I guess we haveeee to meet Shawn's family too. And they better like her or it's over! The sisters definitely approve and Shawn and Kaitlyn all feel great about everything! So who will she choose??? Shawn ends the day by admitting the truth that he is in love with her, and Kaitlyn couldn't be happier! But now she is even more torn!!! Kaitlyn totally loses it and starts crying at the thought of sending one of them home, but we will find out in 2 weeks who she will pick! Don't worry though, the good stuff comes next week with Men Tell All- let's hope some fights break out! Til then...

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Weeks 7 & 8 Musings: Man Up!

You have probably noticed that I have regretably been absent during the past 2 weeks of Bachelorette episodes... I know you were all continuously hitting refresh on your newsfeed screaming WHERE ARE THE RECAPS??? So sorry fans, I was traveling, but just binge watched 4 hours of the show last night and I am all caught up! Here are some of my thoughts now that we are getting down to the wire...

Why are there so many GIRLS on this show? But really, I'm pretty sure this is the most man crying in the history of the show. And only 6 episodes in! Shawn, we get it, you think you are the one, but you need to man up. Kaitlyn is not going to pick you as her husband if you freak out and cry about everything and constantly need to be reasured about your relationship. Just be a man and show her why she SHOULD pick you. Honestly. Not to mention Chris "Cupcake" literally falling to the ground sobbing hysterically when Kaitlyn sent him home. For a minute I really thought he was going to throw himself off those cliffs. Really, was it that shocking? We could all tell it was coming- didn't everyone else notice that she quickly pulled away every time they kissed? Maybe because he acted like such a GIRL all the time. And then there was Joe, who literally threw a tantrum like a little drama queen when Kaitlyn sent him home. I feel like at this point the most manly guy here is Nick... and that's a problem.

Kaitlyn does not know how to be The Bachelorette. I'm sure it's hard, but she just cannot play by the rules (which I think is why Chris Harrison is not a big fan and never wants to chat with her). She clearly wants a normal dating situation where she can pick her favorites, bang them, and decide who best satisfies her needs. That's why she keeps doing all the "off camera time"- she doesn't do well with the boring on-camera stuff. Should we criticize her for the Nick situation? Maybe, but that is who she is- this show is not right for her. Which is clearly why the producers decided to totally switch up the format- she clearly knows which guys she wants to spend the night with the most, and who cares about families? But in reality, maybe this is what they should do in the future... It certainly is more realistic to how things go in real life...

Nick is definitely up to something. This is EXACTLY where he was on Andi's season. He is going to make top 2 for sure, and maybe even win this time. But he is NOT going to be a good life partner, and it will NOT work out if he wins. He knows exactly how to play the game and exactly what to say, and he clearly like stalked Kaitlyn before the show to find out exactly what she is looking for, so he could be that. I can see him winning for sure, but it would be a badddd idea. Nevertheless, the drama with Shawn is getting a little stupid. Shawn needs to just let that one play out instead of threatening him and running to Kaitlyn all the time. Side note, does anyone else think it's hilarious that Shawn will not use Nick's name and only calls him "the other guy"? Awesome.

Oh yeah, Ben H is still there. Can we just call him Ben now that the other one is gone? He is also a great guy and in reality would make the best husband (and I think he is the hottest guy left). Has his storyline just been overshadowed by the Nick-Shawn rivalry? I would love it if he ended up as the Dark Horse winner, but the producers are making that look unlikely. Maybe it will be like Des and Chris, where she will realize that he has been the one all along but she was blinded by other douches. In other news, wow does Kaitlyn have balls to accuse him of being a virgin, and wow did Ben handle it with class. I hope he wins at this point...!

No really. I LOVE him. (And then I realized he is younger than me and it weirded me out because I always imagine these guys as being older... but still.) He is so adorable and I could definitely see him choosing from a bunch of women and I think he could hold his own. And he is pretty hot too. I have said all along that he is too good for Kaitlyn, and I still think so. Go find someone better, Jared! I am rooting for you!!!

So there you have it- some of my thoughts that I just could NOT hold in. I have no clue what next week will bring, since they have literally not ended any episodes with a proper rose ceremony this entire season, so maybe they will already start hometowns... who knows? Hopefully I will be back with commentary as the shit hits the fan with the final three! Til then...

Monday, June 22, 2015

Week 6 Recap: A Scandalous Night...

TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT! The sex scandal is happening tonight and I cannot WAIT. Shit is finally hitting the fan, for real, and I am beyond excited. We start off by revisiting the amazing drama from last week, when Ian totally destroys Kaitlyn mentally and emotionally and attacks her for making out with everyone and being so superficial. Ian is not looking to plow her field, okay. Except, night one, all he talked about was how much he wanted her based on last season. And he saw her say that line last season! So clearly something is not adding up. Anyway, Kaitlyn is "super offended" that Ian is calling her "surface level" because all she cares about is humor, and he only cares about depth. Ian is apparently just trying to be honest that they are not right for each other, he is not a fan of hanging out with these shallow dudes, and he is heading home. Dangggggg. Ian leaves because he needs to stop only talking about sex and have some deeper conversations. His parting words? "Oh man, I need to have some sex." So. There's that. He will definitely be the next Bachelor!

Luckily, guess who is there to swoop in and save the day...? Nick! Because he is so kind and genuine and good-hearted. He assures Kaitlyn that he knows that she has everything that Ian didn't think she did. Nick continues to take up all Kaitlyn's time, even though he already has a rose. She is SO smitten with Nick it's not even funny, and ends up making out with him, again, for quite a while. And poor Shawn has to see it... Here's my thing- Nick is not acting the same way he did with Andi. With her, he was a weirdo creep, and with Kaitlyn he seems to be much more fun and relaxed. But we still can't trust him!!! Not when there are good guys like Shawn around! She is just falling deeper and deeper into Nick's trap and I'm not sure she will be able to escape him...

Next we see an interview with Kaitlyn where she justifies her need to be physical with every guy. I mean... I kind of get it, I agree with the fact that you need to have the physicality in a relationship. But, there is still that whole thing of... you are dating like 12 guys, so maybeeeee be respectful of that fact. But tonight we already know that she will NOT be respectful of the guys. Minus the one mystery man that she goes too far with........!

So the rose ceremony is finally starting, and hey, Chris Harrison shows up to chat. Finally! Am I the only one who noticed that he has been like ABSENT this season? I got the sense that he was not a big fan of Kaitlyn as the Bach, so I just feel like he has not been into having the typical heart-to-hearts. Has he just been off gallivanting in Texas while all this drama had been going on? Come on, Chris, get your act together. Kaitlyn starts handing out roses, and even JJ gets one- have we all just forgotten about his encounters with Clint??? We are just going to ignore that??? Okay. The final rose goes to Tanner (who by the way, I think is getting hotter, because he is looking pretty smokin tonight), and she sends home Justin (?) and Joshua. Joshua leaves us by reiterating that NICK is still there and he better not win. So is there any question as to why you are being sent home? See yaaaaa. There are 10 guys left and they are actually leaving the country this season!! Dublin, here they come! What a great place to fall in love!!!

So of course, Nick gets invited on the first one-on-one, oh hey- luck of the Irish! Poor Shawn is BEYOND pissed and upset. And he should be- she is about to get reallyyyyyy intimate with Nick and not him! Now that we know it is Nick who gets with her, I'm actually not shocked at all. I mean, this sexual tension between them has been building for like months. All the flirting on twitter and via text, it had to come to a head eventually. She just cannot control herself when she is around him! This kind of had to happen... Okay, first, the date. They go to walk around a park, of course filled with birds, but she is terrified of birds! So, good plan there. They spend the day making out pretty much everywhere, and she reallyyyyy likes him. Gah I'm starting to think that I don't hate him so much with her. Maybe because I'm not really a huge fan of hers anyway so it kind of works.

So they spend most of dinner dying of sexual tension and dying to just jump each other's bones, and it's clear they just need to do each other. Now. Kaitlyn admits that she forgets the cameras are there, CLEARLY. So they head back to her suite to "hang out" for a bit... and apparently they let the cameramen in... Which I am sure is getting suuuuuuper awkward. They keep it pretty PG at first, but then they lock themselves in her bedroom, leaving the cameramen in the suite area... We may not be able to see, but those sneaky cameramen let us still HEAR everything. This has GOT to be mortifying for Nick and Kaitlyn to watch back, because we can literally hear every sexual comment they make (Nick: I want to know every part of you), and lots of heavy breathing... How is this allowed on television?!? They are CLEARLY making sex noises and there is no question what is happening in there. Do they not realize that America will be listening??? Or I guess they are just so swept up in it that they don't even care.

So the next morning Nick does a little Walk of Shame action, and I'm like, won't the other guys notice that he never came home last night...? He tells them about hanging out on her couch and having private time, but doesn't tell them more than that. Meanwhile, Kaitlyn wakes up and realizes, oh shit, this is going to really eff up my other relationships. She hopes that Nick won't tell the guys because it will make them all leave, and I'm like, then you probably shouldn't have done it! I mean, I think the only way to make it right at this point is to just sleep with all the other guys too. Even the score! Better get going, there are a lot of them left still...

The group date begins and Chris Harrison is there! Oh hey! He tells the guys that Kaitlyn is "dead" and they will be having a wake for her. Okay, am I the only one who thinks this is WILDLY inappropriate, since a real Bachelor contestant DID die 2 seasons ago...? Talk about too soon. This is probably the worst idea they have ever had on this show. Kaitlyn is lying in a coffin and the guys have to give a toast to her about her great life. The guys actually do a great job, and Tanner is pretty much hilarious as his poem basically throws her under the bus for spending no time with him. And he is still looking so hot! When it gets to Ben Z., he gets super serious because, oh yeah, his mom died when he was younger. Way to bring up these painful memories for him! What were you thinking with this date?!? In other news, if you ever want to hear people say a lot of amazing things about yourself to make you feel good, hold a fake Irish wake.

Later, they have the after party at the Guinness storehouse, which seems pretty amazing. So much whiskey and beer on this trip! Ben Z. decides that he needs some time to explain why he took the wake so seriously. I mean, you don't need to explain- a wake is clearly extra emotional for you- your mom died. Jared gets some good alone time, and I reallyyy am starting to like him. But he is too good for her! Find someone better, Jared! In other news, Shawn is kind of starting to annoy me. I feel like he is becoming too Joshua-like. Stop worrying so much about Nick! Instead, just make some moves of your own! Clearly she is pretty easy, so just go for it, there's a good chance you can get some too... Shawn talks about his family with her and starts getting more confident, until Jared gets the group date rose AND some extra time with her. Shawn gets more conflicted than ever, and feels like their feelings are not being validated. I have a bad feeling about what is to come for him...

Jared gets to go to a special private concert with The Cranberries and I'm like, holy 90's flashback! They slow dance/make out while being serenaded, and it is super cute and romantic. I love him! But like I keep saying, I want him with someone else. Actually, I would love to see him on Bachelor in Paradise- I think he would be GREAT on that show. ABC are you reading this???

Meanwhile, Shawn gets a little drunk and goes to chat with his BFF cameraman to vent about how he has lost all trust in Kaitlyn. She told him he was the one, and now she is off with Jared. After being off with Nick yesterday. He decides he can't do this anymore... UH OHHHH. I feel like he has way too much anxiety to be on this show. If he is freaking out now, it's only going to get worse as she narrows down the field... Shawn goes to see her at her hotel room and initiates a conversation, and just as Kaitlyn starts breaking down to us... Of course......... To Be Continued. GEEZ we didn't even make it through all three dates this week!

According to the previews, Shawn does not leave that night, but things are still rough. And apparently big things are about to happen that will change everything. Is Kaitlyn going to confess her secret sex to the guys next week? Or does she wait longer for that one...? We can't wait to see how all of this works out! At this point I am kind of hoping she ends up with the D-Bag. I feel like they will be happy together and all the other good guys should find love elsewhere. We'll see...

In other news, apparently Britt and Brady are still a thing. In case you were worried. Anyway, see you all next week for hopefully even more scandal!

Monday, June 15, 2015

Week 5 Recap: We Get It, You Hate Nick.

Well, well, well. Tonight, Nick officially joins the cast, and all the guys are SO HAPPY about it! Oh wait, actually they just stare him down in awkward silence and grill him about his history with Bachelorettes. Why were you hanging out with Andi a few weeks ago and now you are here to hang out with Kaitlyn??? Geez you Bachelorette whore! Nick insists that he just wanted to meet this girl, okay! But even though you've been talking for months, you had to wait until she was... on TV to meet her...? Nick puts on his most sincere face, which coincidentally is also the face of a total douche, but the guys don't buy it. Do I? We'll find out.

Oh by the way, I almost forgot there is a rose ceremony tonight, since we had a cliff hanger last week. Shoot! All this talk about Nick that I can't even remember who any of the other guys are! (Nick's plan is working already...) So the rose ceremony takes place on a pro baseball field, which of course is so romantic.  JJ starts off the alone time and Kaitlyn is having a great time- Did we all just forget about the whole JJ-Clint romance situation??? Remember how that happened?? Or did the Nick thing just take priority in the drama department? In other news, Shawn, who we considered a front runner, is totally taken aback by Nick's arrival. His guard is all the way back up already, and admits to Kaitlyn that he thinks Nick is full of shit and that he is starting to doubt everything. What is Kaitlyn going to do?? They have a super strong connection, but it seems like it is becoming Nick or Shawn. Better make a good choice- it's only your future!

The rose ceremony takes place outside on the field, and by the way- it is New York in the winter, and none of the guys get to wear coats. WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS? They are literally all like freezing to death. With one rose left, Nick is still without one, and the suspense is killing us! And wow, surprise surprise, Nick gets the final rose. DUH. Why would she bring him on the show and immediately eliminate him? The guys of course are all pissed, but luckily 3 more (who shouldn't have still been there anyway) are sent home. Unfortunately, the episode continues to be all about Nick, and I can't be the only one tired of The Nick Show already. WE GET IT. Nick is here. Move on.

The guys head to San Antonio, TX this week, which I bet is the perfect place to fall in love. The first date of the week goes to Ben H., who I am pretty sure I like. They are going to learn how to do the two-step dance, which is just like being in a relationship! A perfect way to fall in love. This is actually a dance competition, against real Texans, so, they obviously don't win, but Ben is actually super adorable. I actually feel like he should not be with Kaitlyn- like, he is too good for her. I'm already thinking next Bachelor for this one... Later on in the night, Kaitlyn forces him to open up and tell her (and America) things he has never told anyone. He needs to spill every detail about his past love life NOW or he will be sent home! Here's the thing. I get the sense that Kaitlyn doesn't actually care about all this deep sharing crap, but she just assumes, oh it's the Bachelorette, so the guys are supposed to open up to me on every date or else. Like, I feel like she is just doing what you are "supposed to do" as Bachelorette instead of being real. Which is why this will not work out for her, sorry! Anyway, he gets the rose, okokok moving on.

The group date this week includes Nick, and the guys are all soooo thankful that he doesn't get a one-on-one. Yeah, screw him. The guys are going to be writing and performing a Mariachi song for Kaitlyn, and an adorable little 12 year old is tutoring them. Pretty cute. The guys get all dressed up in Mariachi gear, and there is a whole audience there waiting to see the performances. The guys do a great job, except for Ian who just chokes. Again. He used to be one of my favorites, but I am kind of over it with Ian. He's not really taking any of this like a man... Last up, Nick takes Kaitlyn up to the balcony and does a cute performance, and most of the guys are kind of over the problem with him. Except Joshua, who apparently is still fuming about Nick's existence. So this ought to be good!

Later on, Joshua decides he needs to prove how much he trusts Kaitlyn by letting her give him a new haircut. And she pretty much destroys it... good plan, Josh! This ridiculous haircut will definitely make everyone forget about the whole Nick thing! Nick knows not to waste time with haircuts- he needs to use his time more wisely! Like by making out with Kaitlyn the entire time they are together. Sounds like a good plan to me. Anyway, even with the haircut, Josh just cannot get over this Nick situation, and it's getting a little repetitive. We get it. You don't trust Nick. You don't like him. Guess what, she is not going to pick you, so stop wasting your energy on this!

Well Joshua just cannot give this up- he takes Kaitlyn for more alone time, to talk about his ill feelings towards Nick. He explains that everyyyyy guy in the house dislikes him, but then why is every other guy saying they DO like him??? Because nobody else is trying to create drama about an issue that doesn't concern them! Kaitlyn actually seems to buy into his crap, and she believes him that every other guy is lying except Joshua. OR maybe Joshua is the effing crazy one who is creating ridiculous drama out of nothing! Kaitlyn takes Joshua back to the whole group, and calls him out on his accusations in front of all the guys. The other guys literally could not care less at this point, but Joshua refuses to go down alone. He tries to throw every other guy under the bus, when in reality he is the ONLY one who cares and is making up stories. In the midst of all the bullshit, Kaitlyn decides to say eff you to everyone and gives Nick the group date rose. I was really hoping she would just send Joshua hope right then and there, but no, we still get more of his crap. And now Kaitlyn is going to be drawn even further to Nick, just to spite them all. Great job, Joshua!

The final one-on-one date goes to Shawn, which I am excited about, but also a bit worried. They have a great connection, but I fear that he is going to blow this by making things all about the Nick issue. Please just focus on your OWN relationship! They go kayaking down the River Walk, and they actually have a good conversation, not revolving around Nick. So this could be good! Shawn finally opens up and shares his sob story about almost dying in a car crash, and it makes them so much closer- thank goodness he is alive to be here! Apparently he wants to waste no more time in his life, and already tells Kaitlyn that he is falling in love with her. AND she tells him that she feels the same way. GEEZ. Just end the show here and now and get married! There are still 12 guys there, and I am worried that other drama could mess this up, but at this point things seem good for them... And I approve.

Meanwhile back at the house, Ian bemoans the fact that he isn't Kaitlyn's top choice. Even though he came in here obsessed with her, he decides that actually, she is not interesting and he doesn't even like her. He toots his own horn a bit and explains that he is a CATCH and usually has no problem getting women- if only he was the Bachelor with 25 options, everything would be great. So, officially Ian has become the biggest douche in the house- that even beats out Nick! He is ready to make his "last stand" tonight- we are at The Alamo after all (I know that because I want to Princeton, and I am a former model, and I survived an accident, and I am overall the greatest person alive.)

The time for the cocktail party arrives, and I'm like, why hasn't Joshua gotten his hair fixed yet??? There has to be someone in San Antonio who could have fixed that in the last few days. Come on. Kaitlyn starts the night off with a little toast about honesty, and Jared is the first to be honest by telling her that he is falling in love with her. All of these guys putting it out there so early on! Later on, Ian continues to get more and more pissed off about this situation. Clearly he prefers situations where he is surrounded by other women, NOT men. He is used to being with women even hotter than Kaitlyn and having a lot of sex, and this is NOT the situation he wants. As he says, I'm a gift that you unwrap for life. That about sums it up. So during their alone time, Ian calls her out on being shallow and superficial, and questions all of her intentions on just wanting to make out with dudes on TV. And before we can get Kaitlyn's reaction... of course, To Be Continued. Because what else is new?

Next week we will see Ian leave, duh, and maybe someone else will get sent home too. PLUS... NEXT WEEK IS THE SEX SCANDAL! I cannot wait to see who it is! At this point, my guess would be Jared, Nick, or Shawn, but the previews make it look like Shawn is angry, so it could be either way. I will DEFINITELY be tuning in next week, hope you do too! Until then...

Monday, June 8, 2015

Week 4 Recap: The D-Bag Returns

We start off tonight's episode with the dramatic conclusion of last week's To Be Continued nonsense (in case you forgot- Clint and JJ are in love, but not with Kaitlyn). Kaitlyn is ready to get Clint out of here, since every other guy has told her what a fake he is, but during their sit-down, all Clint wants to talk about is his relationship with JJ. He continues to spew some more bullshit about how honest and kind he is, and how she just needs to tell him how to fix the problems so he can stay (to be with JJ). Kaitlyn still tells him that she really, really, really likes him (HOW?), but she doesn't trust him. So. Maybe she does have some sense in her. She decides to send him home, and SHIT GETS REAL. No I'm not even joking. She tells the guys to all say goodbye to Clint, and JJ turns on his boytoy and demands an apology in front of everyone for how Clint acted! Needless to say, Clint is NOT okay with his one true love insulting him, and a MAJOR lovers quarrel breaks out. (In case you forgot, this is The Bachelorette, and the first lovers quarrel occurs between two men). These guys are yelling at each other, with their faces inches from each other, and I'm like, are they about to fist fight or have a passionately hateful makeout session? The breakup does not end well, but at least Kaitlyn is 100% confident she made the right decision. Poor JJ ends up hysterically crying during his interview that he lost his one true love- Clint- and the rest of the guys are like uh... get him out k thanks. I think Jared said it best- this was the most dramatic breakup in the history of The Bachelorette. And it was two guys!

Kaitlyn decides she is too emotionally drained to do a rose ceremony, and she wants to keep everyone. UGH get rid of more guys, please!!! The guys are actually kind of pissed about this (JJ staying around), and we were ALL counting on this rose ceremony to weed these guys out. Instead, we are ALL heading to... New York City! Thrilling.

In case we were wondering, New York is actually the perfect place to fall in love. The best way to do this, of course, is to have a rap battle. Since according to Kaitlyn, NYC is the birthplace of hip hop, she has brought Doug E Fresh to help the guys write some raps. These guys are going head to head, and let's be honest, most of them are... pretty white. So, this should be hilarious. JJ confesses that he has never listened to a rap song in his life (not even on the radio?), and he literally only listens to show tunes. We are just learning so much about the real JJ now aren't we? These raps are some of the funniest things ever and I actually give them props- pretty entertaining date.

Meanwhile, guess who just happens to be in the crowd...? Yup, Nick V. He is there with some other Bachelor alums (who I don't recognize..) and acts like a total fucking too-cool-for-school douche to Kaitlyn. Which is obviously super attractive, because Kaitlyn is swooning and losing her mind for him. (In case you don't know, he was obsessed with her on Chris's season and they had a twitter/text friendship blossoming after that season). And now he is here! Because he can't let her get away without meeting her! And he has to sit like a totally douchebag as he tells her that. Ugh. Also, couldn't he have just started at week 1 with everyone else? She clearly likes him, but at this point it is really messed up to bring him in. What will she do??? Fall for Nick's douchebaggery and add ANOTHER guy into the mix? Get out. Kaitlyn brings this up to the guys on the date, and they are of course pissed. Shawn seems super mad that she isn't confident enough in their relationship that she needs to bring someone else in, and I agree! Don't you like these NICE guys?? Or do you prefer D-BAGS? (Can you tell how I feel about Nick?)

Kaitlyn on the other hand still feels conflicted, so she leaves her DATES to go see Nick and MAKE OUT WITH HIM! What are you doing?!? You are losing any respect that anyone has for you! She still hasn't officially decided to keep him, but I think it's clear that she will. Oh by the way, remember how there is a group date going on right now? Because it seems like she spends no actual time with the guys, other than for Justin to tell her that it's okay if she brings Nick in. Oh and of course he gets rewarded for that comment with the group date rose. Thank you for validating my horrendous decisions, Justin! Now I'm gonna go get a new guy and tell you all to fuck off! Side note: In case you didn't know, this begging to join the cast thing happens like every season these days. But everyone else does the right thing and tells them to go back home. Except apparently Kaitlyn...

The next day Kaitlyn has a one-on-one date with Jared, but first, she invites Nick to come see her at  her hair appointment before she goes out. That's not weird. By the way, omg, CRAZY ASHLEY ONION is apparently a hair dresser in New York??? Because she is the one doing Kaitlyn's hair, and somehow becomes the voice of reason in this situation- is it just lust or is it love?? Lust! Get him out! Even with that, Kaitlyn decides that she needs to be selfish and doesn't want to regret this forever, so she tells Nick to come on and join the cast. But don't worry, he's not here to be the villain- he is here for love!

Oh by the way, Kaitlyn needs to head to her DATE WITH JARED now. After that lovely make out session on the street with Nick. Ugh. Anyway, they meet at The Met, both dressed all fancy, and it should be all super romantic, BUT all she can think about is Nick. Nice. So she tries to bring up Nick on her date with Jared, and he is like uh... can we not talk about another guy on our date? K thanks. Jared is such a great guy, and they actually seem really cute together. He even wrote her a poem for goodness sakes! Hopefully she is moving past her Nick obsession, as she gets to go on a helicopter ride with Jared like, next to the Statue of Liberty. Shoot. And it might be working, because she starts to wonder if she even needs Nick there after all... hmmm...

Or not. Because Kaitlyn goes to tell the guys that Nick will be moving in tonight, AND will be part of the rose ceremony. So let's all get ready for the next date! Kaitlyn is taking 5 guys to the theater to sing and dance on Broadway They will be auditioning and only ONE will win a part in the musical Aladdin, and the others will go home to be with Nick... ughhh. So the judges decide that Chris Cupcake is most worthy of joining Kaitlyn on stage later, so the rest of the guys just sit in the audience seats and watch them rehearse. You know what I keep thinking about? All those people who spend their entire lives trying to make it to perform on a Broadway show, and these fools who get to do it, just because they are on a reality dating show. I bet there are some pissed off people out there! Anyway, after the show, Kaitlyn and Chris go walking and end up at the NYE Times Square ball, and he gets the rose. Romantic, cute, but clearly this is not the main event of the night...

Tonight is the night that Nick joins the guys at the hotel... and everyone is just so thrilled! And just as he is heading into the suite... awww SHOCK. To Be Continued. JUST GIVE US A ROSE CEREMONY PLEASE!!! Anyway, looks like next week is just going to be a bunch of pissed off guys complaining about Nick, so don't get too excited. (Is that sex scandal coming soon???)

Oh and by the way, in case anyone forgot, Britt and Brady are still SUPER happy and are going to meet each others families and such. Thank goodness she didn't waste her time as Bachelorette ;) Hoping for more updates next week!

Monday, June 1, 2015

Week 3 Recap: Diapers, Birds, and Sex Ed

The To Be Continued continues! Upon our return, let's first acknowledge that this did NOT need to be a T-B-C episode. Kupah yelled at a producer and Kaitlyn calmed him down and told him to leave. THE END. But apparently Kaitlyn was so shaken by this event that she had to freak out and cry and have a whole sit down with the guys about it... But come on, you've known them like 3 days. Enough dramatics, Kaitlyn. You're supposed to be a comical bad-ass bitch. Anyway, we are starting the episode with last week's rose ceremony (annoying), then we can finally get on with the next set of dates. Side note: Are we going to get a Britt-Brady update tonight? Or is that already over?

I forgot how boring the first few rose ceremonies are... I can't even remember who most of these guys are at this point and I just want more of them to leave. For the final rose, Kaitlyn clearly does what the producers tell her and keeps the creeper Tony around for entertainment value. When we are all just yelling, "send him back home to be with his bonsai trees!!!!". In other news, Kaitlyn is already like hysterically crying from sending home 2 more guys. WHO WE DON'T EVEN KNOW. I did NOT expect this much emotion out of her... this does not bode well for later this season when she actually knows the guys she sends home...

Finally the dates begin, and we start with the men being awoken by some world champ sumo wrestlers banging a gong. Which is kind of amusing. Six guys learn that they will be going on a date with Kaitlyn, sumo wrestling, and they need to wear the traditional garment. So, the guys end up in their little diaper/thongs, and literally everyone's butts (and some crotches) are blurred out. Now it's obvious why Kaitlyn chose this date- she gets to see it ALL already.  They do some warm ups, and actually go up against the real sumo wrestlers. Now, I won't lie, this is extremely entertaining, but how is this a date? It's more like an exhibition. They are still at the mansion, and the other guys are all there watching. There is nothing "date" about this- it is purely just for entertainment. Crazy Tony goes ape-shit on the sumo guy and gets his ass kicked, and then storms off pouting. (Sore loser or just crazy?) Why can't we do something about peace and love??? Can't we just take a boat ride or go sky diving??? Tony just wants to be "non-violent," yet he is acting pretty aggressive about this whole situation. Kaitlyn is desperate to make things right and make him feel more comfortable, but I'm like, JUST SEND HIM HOME. STOP BEING NICE. Clearly if he doesn't want to do anything that you enjoy, he is not right for you!!! Stop feeling bad about your lack of connection to the guys- they cannot all be winners!!! I am really starting to get annoyed at Kaitlyn, in case you couldn't tell. She's not the bitch I was hoping she would be!

So the guys who actually want to have fun head to the exhibition where they will be wrestling in public for a big crowd ...still wearing the diapers. It's interesting to say the least. Meanwhile back at the house, Tony decides to quit walk away on his terms and go home. Good riddance! Go find someone who just wants to go to the zoo and imitate animal noises like you. Later at the evening part of the date, Kaitlyn makes a better connection with Shawn, who I like, and he gets the rose. In other news, Clint decides he is not really into Kaitlyn anymore (and Kaitlyn straight up confronts him about it), but he apparently really likes his relationship with JJ so he wants to stay and explore that a bit more. Hm. Okay.

The next date is planned by Chris Harrison, and Kaitlyn will go with Ben Z. to some creepy basement place where they will be trapped in some terrifying nightmare that they will try to escape? Sounds horrible. But I bet it will bring them closer together when they make it through this together! Apparently Kaitlyn has a paralyzing fear of birds, so of course there are birds everywhere. It's a good thing Ben Z. is so tough, because Kaitlyn is having a panic attack. This is literally the worst experience I could ever imagine, but as expected, they both feel closer after this! Later they finally have a normal date situation where they get to sit and talk, and we learn that Ben Z. hasn't cried in 11 years, even when his mom died. Shoot. I just don't know if that's really a good thing or a bad thing... We'll find out. They have some romantic time in the hot tub and he gets the rose, and I think I do like him. He can stay.

For the final date of the week, Kaitlyn takes some of the guys to an elementary school to be teachers- sex ed teachers... Apparently this is her twisted way to figure out which of these guys is sexually capable...? Again, kind of a weird date, because they are talking about sex to little children. But Kaitlyn admits to us that this is actually a prank and these are child actors, who are purposely asking ridiculous questions. Knowing that, this is actually hilarious and kind of adorable, especially with Ben H. who is super precious while explaining reproduction. Later on, Joshua admits how much of a prude he is, and Kaitlyn loses interest. Clearly we know what she values most in a relationship... no prudes wanted here! Luckily, Kaitlyn gets some good intimacy with Ben H., and later Jared (who even gets asked back to her room!!). Ben gets the rose, but Jared is confident in their relationship anyway.

Meanwhile back at home, Clint and JJ are getting very close to each other... and the other guys are getting weirded out. They spend all their time together, sitting close, lounging in the hot tub, showering together, and playing love songs to each other. Clint kind of admits that he has gotten "too close" to JJ and has found love.. so. Interesting. What will happen, I don't know... Clint decides that he needs to get a rose so that he can spend more time with JJ, but hopefully Kaitlyn won't fall for his BS.  Unfortunately after they talk, Kaitlyn tells us that he has redeemed himself and she kisses Clint, and. Ew. After that, he runs back to JJ to talk shit about the other guys for not being as manly as them. Hm.

Apparently the rest of the night is spent with all the other guys chatting with Kaitlyn and alluding to the house drama. According to her, 13/15 guys tell her what is really going on, particularly with Clint. I mean, Clint and JJ are literally the craziest jerk psycho maniacs I have seen in a while. Once Kaitlyn hears enough, she decides that "Clint is one of the biggest douches in Bachelor history" (I love it) and goes off to speak with him... and then... To Be Continued!  Of course.

Not surprisingly, we have to wait AGAIN for the next rose ceremony to see what happens with Clint and JJ. PLUS, Nick is going to show up next episode, which should be pretty insane. Can't wait to see what happens, and to hopefully see Kaitlyn get some tougher skin! Until then...

Monday, May 25, 2015

Week 2 Recap: This Isn't Church Camp

Can I just start by saying what everyone is thinking right now? Nobody even cares what happens this episode- all we want to know is who Kaitlyn is going to bang, and we are all just waiting for the sex scandal episode. So. I guess we'll just try to get through tonight... We are first reminded (in case we forgot) that some of these guys originally voted for Britt, and shouldn't those guys all get out of here?!

Oh yeah, speaking of Britt... she's still on the show. Remember that to-be-continued side story? Well it seems like they are going to be dragging out this Brady-Britt storyline for as long as it lasts they can force it. Britt wasn't ready to give up her 5 minutes of fame, and America isn't ready to give up on her! I'm sure this will be true love... I guess we will find out throughout this episode, or even throughout this season, God help us.

Anyway, Kaitlyn is starting out with a group date that will "end in a ring," and from the previews we know that means boxing. It could be fun to watch these guys beat the crap out of each other, but I always feel like group dates at this stage are a waste of my time. I never remember any of them and there isn't really a chance for a real connection... We'll see if this proves me wrong. Laila Ali is there to train them/explain to the guys the similarities between boxing and a relationship, and you may be surprised to know that this is JUST like falling in love. And it is also a good way to get these guys ridiculously sweaty. As you could expect, the guys are beating the living Hell out of each other during this tournament, and can we talk about how unevenly matched the guys are- there are like 50 lb differences between a lot of the match-ups. Which could explain why Jared is like seriously hurt and needs to go to the hospital. Fun date!

Fight for me, bitches.
Later on, Kaitlyn starts to get to know the guys, and we get our first sob story from Ben Z., which Kaitlyn loves of course. During her chat with one guy, a producer hands Kaitlyn a note and she heads outside where Jared is waiting in his workout gear. Apparently he was cleared by the hospital to go see her briefly, but he could not go inside to the party, since he needed more rest. He did pull some smooth moves and get a kiss, and I am actually kind of liking Jared right now. And I think Kaitlyn is too... But it looks like Ben Z.'s sob story earned him the first rose of the week, and a kiss make out session. Good work, Ben.

Next, we have our first one-on-one date with Clint. Who, by the way, I think is one of the ugliest guys there. But he drew a pretty kickass picture of Chris Harrison riding a dinosaur, so I guess that somewhat makes up for the unattractiveness. Apparently they will be doing an underwater photo shoot, and I'm like, she couldn't have picked one of the hot guys for this?!? Well the photo shoot is actually not too awkward, except that they have their first kisses under water while being photographed. And then make out some more in the pool while the crew is all around. So that's kind of weird, but clearly Kaitlyn has no shame when it comes to getting physical... Clint gets a rose and it's the best date ever, blah blah, I'm bored already.

The last group date brings some excitement, with Amy Schumer helping out with some stand up comedy. Apparently Amy is not feeling JJ, and thinks he is just auditioning to be the next Bachelor. Probably true, and I am glad she is calling him out on it. The guys each have to perform for a crowd, and this could be rough...  Luckily the guys are all having some drinks before getting up there. Except Tony the Healer who decides to take this opportunity to pour out his heart about the joy in his life instead of making jokes. And everyone starts chugging their drinks. Yikes. Can he leave please?

Later that night, Kaitlyn gets to know all the guys by making out with pretty much all of them... they are bringing the "A game" apparently. JJ really impresses Kaitlyn and ends up getting the rose- but didn't she talk to Amy Schumer?!? Doesn't she want her perspective???

JJ continues his dick moves at the cocktail party when he whisks Kaitlyn away first even though he already has a rose. Why is he such a jerk? He has a daughter! He should be a better man. So the guys already all hate him, and yeah, I'm not really a fan. But as JJ says, "this isn't church camp" and they aren't there to be friends. I wonder if/when Kaitlyn will realize how douche-y he is... Later, Ian finally gets a chance to tell his sob story, and I am not sure if I like him as much as I did week 1. But Kaitlyn is feeling it, and he gets a kiss too! So, how many guys are we up to now? Ten? I've lost count. Anyway, JJ can't stop running his mouth, and brags to the guys about how he can now "hit the bar" since he's already had his time with Kaitlyn. What a great guy! Every season needs a villain and I guess they have picked JJ as theirs...

Finally, Kaitlyn sits down with Kupah to have a super weird convo. Apparently he is in the mood to confront her. He goes on and on about how she isn't giving him a chance, but he is the one who was all about Britt and questioned everything about her. So, maybe he should just leave. He is not going to win, and this is getting weird, so... leave please. He basically begs her to stay, but she is not feeling it so much anymore. Send him home. Weird. A few minutes after their chat, she overhears him talking crap about her very loudly to the other guys, and just flat out tells him to go home. And he pretty much refuses! This is getting so weird!!! At least she has some balls about her and gets rid of him straight up. That was some excitement for the episode at least! Kupah can't handle his exit interview and looks like he is getting violent, and then... TO BE CONTINUED. Which, p.s., I hate more than anything in the entire world. Dear ABC, NOBODY likes these dumb ass cliffhanger episodes where we have to wait for the rose ceremony. Stop dragging it out.

In other news, apparently Britt and Brady are full on in a relationship after a week of hanging out. Can't wait to get updates throughout the season! I'm sure it is going to last forever!

I guess we will get the rose ceremony results next week... Love this waiting! Until then...

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Week 1 Recap Part 2: And The Bachelorette Is...

Well after a complete waste of 2 hours last night, we finally get to find out who the Bachelorette will be! Can we just recap how mean and awful this situation is for these women? They get to meet 25 men, make connections, fall for some guys, and then potentially get sent packing. Again, whose idiot idea was this???

Chris Harrison starts the episode by getting right down to it and talking to the ladies. And he first goes to see Britt, where he tells her... she is NOT the Bachelorette! (secret cries of joy!) While I am happy for Kaitlyn, I also have a bit of a heart, and I do feel sad. I will not get over how mean this is. Could they not have just chosen Kaitlyn in the first place and saved some tears? Britt leaves without even the chance to say goodbye, and Chris heads over to tell Kaitlyn the news. Why does he have to be so solemn when he tells her- smile and act a little bit happy for her, geez. But really, is Chris Harrison pissed about the result? Because he literally will not even crack a smile when talking to her. Yes we feel bad for Britt, but get excited for some potential love-matches! Goodness.

Chris then reminds Kaitlyn that as the Bachelorette, her job is to hold a rose ceremony- tonight-, so she better get thinking. Okay, so really, the one thing we are all thinking- What is Kaitlyn going to do at this point with all these Britt-lovers? And what are all these Britt-lovers going to do? Really, what they should do is give the men the option to stay, or chase after Britt's limo. I mean, these guys who flat out said they only want Britt really should not be here AND they should still have the chance to find love. Talk about being here for the wrong reasons... Do we want another Bentley-Ashley-I Wish It Was Emily situation all over again?!?

Chris Harrison finally goes to the men for the big reveal, and Kaitlyn walks into a lot of applause as well as a lot of unenthusiastic clapping. Isn't she wondering who DIDN'T want her??? Immediately most of the guys start vying for her attention, and Chris even brings out the first impression rose... BTW for those keeping track, I guarantee it's around 4 am at this point, in case anyone is wondering. Some of these Britt-lovers are starting to question things, and poor Healer Tony is possibly ready to give up and drink from his own well. One of the guys (Jared?) admits to Kaitlyn that he voted for Britt, and she is so glad he told her. In fact, she said she would be really mad if she found that out later and he didn't tell her. Does that mean that ALL the Britt-voters need to tell her NOW? How is she going to react? But what if it comes out later (like in the final 4) that one of the guys didn't even initially vote for her?!? THIS IS WHY THIS ENTIRE IDEA IS RIDICULOUS AND AWFUL.

In other news, apparently this dentist/cupcake car guy has some balls, because he went in for a make out session on the first night. Who is he, Chris Soules?!? Unfortunately for him, their connection isn't the strongest, even with a make out sesh, and instead the first impression rose goes to Shawn, who ALSO gets a little make out. While I personally do not find him attractive, they are apparently really into each other, so I guess this is nice. Just hope he doesn't turn into a jerk!

Finally the rose ceremony begins, and these guys are getting nervous! Especially those major Britt-lovers like Jonathan- he literally did not even want to give Kaitlyn the time of day, and now he is worried that she will eliminate him. Why do you even want to stay at this point?! Clearly you are not here to find love if you want to stay even if the girl you like is gone. Anyway, Kaitlyn starts handing out roses, and some of the Britt-voters are getting roses! Ugh! Get these liars and fakes out of here and let the true Kaitlyn fans stay! Like, whyyyyy did she keep around weirdo Tony the healer who clearly only felt Britt's positive energy? Gross. Then shockingly, one of the guys (Brady?) who (I am pretty sure) voted for Britt, interrupts the ceremony to pull her aside to chat. GASP. What does he have to say?? I hope he is just going to excuse himself. It turns out, not only is he going to excuse himself, but he wants to find Britt to see if they can find love, and Chris Harrison is going to help him! (to be continued side story...?)

Kaitlyn appears to be a little thrown after that exit, but good riddance- I feel like that was justified. She does give a rose to Jonathan, who gladly accepts because he is not ready to go home. Yeah, this is going to end well. She sends home 4? more guys and there are still sooo many lefttttt.. I always wish they would weed out more the first night. Maybe next week. On to the previews of the rest of the season and HOLY SHIT.


Slash omggggggggg Kaitlyn is not only going to sleep with someone too soon, she is going to admit it to the other guys?!?!? The previews are making it look like she is just going to be a total slut all season long and alienate and piss off ALL the guys. Maybe I was wrong about this being the right choice (but would Britt be any better?), but OMG this is going to be insane.

The moral of the story is, I WILL be watching this season and blogging throughout, so get ready for some insane drama!!!! Wow. Damn girl.

Monday, May 18, 2015

The Bachelorette Week 1 Recap: Trophy Wife or Wife?

I have been a bit torn about even watching this season, but my fans were calling to me! In case you haven't heard, the Bachelor producers have made the worst decision in Bachelor history (or wait, maybe choosing Juan Pablo as the Bachelor was worse?).  The dumbasses at ABC couldn't choose for themselves, so the MEN are choosing between Britt and Kaitlyn to be the Bachelorette.  I just want to start by saying that I wouldn't have chosen EITHER of these women as the Bachelorette.  (I was really hoping for Michelle Money, or even Clare!  I know, I know, they are totally Paradise material instead...).  Regardless, how unfair is it that a woman isn't even in control on the Bachelorette?? Isn't this supposed to be a girl-power show where women actually get to pick and take charge?  But instead, it's in the men's hands yet again.  Thanks, ABC.  And oh by the way, this is NOT going to be "up to the men" like they are implying.  CLEARLY the producers intentionally cast the men to swing the way they want.  Why put us through the charade?  Just pick and let us have a normal season!

 I have thought a fair amount (more than I would like to admit) about which woman I think will win the position of Bachelorette.  I do NOT want Britt to win, so of course I assume she will.  Britt is so freaking fake, loves girl drama and crying, and is clearly NOT going to stay with the man who proposes to her.  On the other hand, Kaitlyn is real, funny, and would probably be able to find real love.  But Britt is probably the sexier choice to the men, which means they will pick her.  I mean, what organ do you really think the men are choosing with...?  I guess there is nothing else to do but sit back and watch the shit-show unfold!

They decide to start by introducing some of the men, and I'm like, oh yeah, is this season even about picking a guy? Because all I can think about is choosing the woman. The first man introduced looks nice, but has a 5 year old son- I'm sorry, which of these women looks like she is ready to be a step-mother?  Good pick, producers.  And why do we think strippers and musicians are going to make the best husbands? And why are we looking for another Chris Soules- clearly that didn't work.  In related news, why are NONE of these men up to the attractiveness level of either of the girls?  Really.  So. Many. Uggos.  And both the girls are so hot. My vapid self is about to give up on this show just for that reason.  (OKAY except maybe the runner with the sob story).

Finally it's time for the awkward to begin!  Apparently when the guys get out of the limo they will need pick which girl they want to go greet first, and the girls will overhear each other's convos. So. That's not uncomfortable. What happens when Britt gets chosen and there are guys around who picked Kaitlyn first... I guess they won't last long?  Isn't this going to be super weird if one of the final guys didn't initially pick the Bachelorette...?  Yes. The answer is yes. Britt is really super excited and happy about this and can't stop smiling, and Kaitlyn is understandably super weirded out and unhappy. This makes me hope even more that Britt loses.  Wipe that stupid smile off her face! So either they are editing it this way, or every guy really is going to talk to Britt first, and poor Kaitlyn is feeling neglected and uncomfortable. And yes, this is incredibly awkward. I really just want them to pick and get on with the season- I can't even focus on the guys, which is usually the best part!! Finally the hot runner gives Kaitlyn some confidence and it seems like a limo full of Kaitlyn-fans arrives, and things are starting to look up! Some guys even brought gifts for Kaitlyn and poor Britt boo-hoos about it. Maybe they don't all love her!

After a few more guys, Kaitlyn has the balls to leave her post and run into the house to say a quick hello to the guys! Ugh, this is not playing by the rules... so unfair. Ugh. You cannot show your personality!  Tonight was supposed to be purely a beauty contest and Britt was supposed to win!

Meanwhile, some of the guys in the house, mainly Ryan, are getting a little toasted as they wait.  This guy Shawn (amateur sex coach?) rolls up in a car hot tub, and waste case Ryan starts heckling him. Kaitlyn decides the drunko should get the Worst Impression Rose... And finally this dentist rolls up in a car(?) shaped like a cupcake.  I can admit, never seen that on this show before! I won't lie, this wasn't as awkward as I anticipated, and I actually think Kaitlyn has a chance. But I will maintain my assertion that this is a pretty lame group of men (with a few exceptions).

Finally the ladies get a chance to meet with the guys, and they are both making major connections and are both feeling really comfortable. Until Chris Harrison arrives riding his triceratops waving his wild rose in the air. Oh wait that was just a portrait one of the men drew (amazing btw). The voting room opens and things get a bit real, but resident healer/crazy Tony is still feeling some positive energy and some nice pulsating from Britt's box (no really, that's a true story) and is able to make his choice easily. In other news, is anyone else hoping that this comes down to a tie with Blackout Ryan as the deciding vote, but he is too passed out to be able to decide? Because that would be amazing. Does belligerently throwing the rose at the girl's portrait count as voting for her? After a few hours of shenanigans, Chris Harrison sends him home packing, but what about his vote?!?

In other news, does anyone else feel like every conversation Britt has is the fakest thing you've ever heard? I just feel like she is saying everything she is "supposed" to say, and Kaitlyn is actually super real. But the votes are in, so it is time for the big reveal...

EXCEPT NOT. Because, are you freaking kidding me, we have to wait until tomorrow to find out which girl wins.  I HATE YOU BACHELORETTE. I guess we will tune in tomorrow to decide if we are going to keep watching the rest of the season or not... wow, can't wait... I guess we will see, FINALLY, tomorrow. Til then!

Monday, March 9, 2015

Season Finale Recap: Spoiler Alert- Nothing Shocking Happens

It's finally here!  The season finale event unlike anything we have EVER seen before.  Who will Chris chose??  The woman who would give up everything and everyone she's ever loved to marry Chris, or the one who's like, eh, maybe I'll move to Iowa, we'll see.  Knowing who Chris CLEARLY prefers, I know who my money's on! (In case you don't watch, it's Virgin Becca).  Luckily, Chris is back in Iowa (perfect place to fall in love!) and Chris' family is there to screen these ladies.  Side note:  Chris really couldn't stay away from Iowa for ONE more week?  Come on, give these girls another week in the tropics.  Where is the big final rose ceremony going to take place?  In front of a tractor?  So romantic.  This is reason enough for either girl to say Hell No.

So we start the episode with Whitney meeting Chris's family, and in case you all didn't know- Whitney loves Chris SO much and she is SO happy to be there and she is SO excited for this day and she cannot wait to be part of the family and she feels SO amazing about everything YAY.  If I was one of these sisters, I would steer Chris in the other direction- you think they want to spend all their future holidays with someone who never. stops. talking.  In that voice.  I can't even handle it for an hour through the TV.  But apparently they love her...  For now.  The whole family clearly loves her and loves how heartfelt she is (okay, I guess it is kind of nice), but we can tell that Chris isn't so sure.

Apparently Chris is torn because he has a better chemistry with Becca.  And I'm like... but how do you REALLY know that since, you know, you never really got to make your chemistry happen, if you know what I mean... Maybe you should reconsider throwing away a sure thing for someone who hasn't even, you know, been with you yet...  Just saying.  I'm pretty sure the brother-in-law is the wisest of them all when he assesses that Chris is being a typical guy who wants what he can't have.  Whitney is TOO easy to get and Becca is like this elusive ideal woman that he wants to conquer.  And like most guys, we can assume he will pick the one playing hard-to-get.

Now that the family has pretty much already made up their minds about Whitney, it's time for them to meet Becca!  Becca is actually making a great impression at first, but then she is honest with the sisters and says that she's not ready to move to Iowa and marry Chris until she is sure.  Why can't they just date for a while (long distance) until she is ready?  (In real life, this makes perfect sense.  Why should she pick up and move her life after non-exclusively dating for 2 months?).  But doesn't she know this is The Bachelor???  This show is only a success if it ends in an engagement!  Hopefully Chris can change her mind so they can get engaged and all the viewers will be happy.  Don't they know that it's all about us, after all?  Momma Bear has a heart-to-heart with Becca and explains to her that she actually DOES love Chris.  Has anyone else considered that since she has never been in love before (or, ahem, made love before), she is just inexperienced on this front and has no idea what to do?  Figure your shit out, Becca!  And do it in the next 2 days!

Chris gets one last date with each lady, starting with Becca.  Time to relax, enjoy her company, and hit her with the hard questions!  Becca tells Chris that she can't make any promises about when she would be ready to move, and Chris is still concerned.  Becca has no idea what she wants and when she wants it, yet Chris still can't give up.  Dear Chris, this chick clearly has no clue what she wants, so maybe you are barking up the wrong tree.  As your dad would tell you, go with the sure thing.  After what feels like hours of a tortured conversation, Becca finally admits that she is just worried about moving to Iowa.  Shock.  You couldn't have just admitted that at the beginning and not wasted everyone's time?  Chris leaves the conversation feeling awesome because it turns out that Becca does want him!  But, she doesn't want to live with him...  So, maybe tone back your excitement there, Chris. 

Time for one last date with Whitney, and Chris takes her to... his farm!  The place he loves the most, doing the thing he loves the most- harvesting corn.  But really, why do they want to marry this guy again?  Whitney is SO happy to be farming with Chris.  This is amazing!  This snow-covered farmland is just gorgeous.  Wow.  Amazing.  Next, they visit his house, and Whitney is ready to move in.  She is 100% ready to live here and have babies and farm for the rest of her life.  Which is going to make it that much more crushing when she finds out she's about to lose to someone who only kind of likes him.  Poor girl, she will fall into such an amazing state of depression. 

So, there are 30 minutes left of the episode, and Chris still has no clue what he is going to do.  He is picking out a ring, without even knowing who he will give it to (or IF he will give it to anyone)...  He arrives at the final rose ceremony location, aka a barn.  Outdoors.  In 20 degree windy weather.  The producers desperately tried to dress it up to make it look decent, but seriously, THIS is the proposal someone gets?  No thanks. I'll take a tropical island proposal.  And can we talk about how Chris actually has not made up his mind yet?  The girls are ARRIVING and he still doesn't know what he is going to do.  Well this bodes well for their future together.  Finally one of the limos is about to arrive with the girl who is going to be sent home, and that girl is... Becca?!?  Whattttt???  I am actually really shocked- how could I get this one so wrong???  Chris starts talking to her and it really sounds like he is about to propose... but isn't he supposed to be breaking up with her?  He tells her how much he wants to marry her, but... she's not ready.  So.  There it is.  Becca clearly isn't all that heartbroken and is taking this really well.  It's just like friends saying goodbye.  NBD.  It's been real.  Maybe because, oh I don't know, she didn't really feel that strongly for him in the first place?  No really, she's not even crying.  I can't stop thinking, what does she think being in love really feels like, and how does she have NO clue if she's feeling that or not?  I just can't even with her.  BTW, for anyone that's keeping track, Chris is standing in front of a tractor as her limo pulls away.  So, I was pretty close in my prediction.

So, considering that Chris Harrison promised this would be an episode unlike anything we've ever seen before, this is pretty run-of-the-mill so far.  Whitney's limo pulls up and we can't wait to see what shocking situation awaits!  Whitney is literally more nervous than anyone I've ever seen on a finale episode (or maybe she's just freezing), but that doesn't stop her from spouting out another 5 minute monologue about her love.  Finally she lets Chris get a word in long enough for him to tell her that he loves her, and even for him to propose!  Whitney's dream of being a housewife for the rest of her life is finally coming true!  And Chris's dream of having someone who will always do all the talking for him is finally coming true!  Have fun isolated on a farm, just the two of you, for the rest of your lives!

In other news, how was this episode ANY different than every other finale episode we have ever seen?  False advertising, ABC.  I'm disappointed.  Oh and don't worry, we still have another hour of huge surprises the same thing we see every season.  First we talk to Becca, who finally admits to us that maybe she should never have come on the show in the first place since she doesn't even know what love is.. DUH.  Huge shocker.  We then find out that Whitney and Chris are still really happy together, and apparently Whitney hasn't watched the show at all, maybe because she doesn't enjoy the sound of her own voice?  Or I guess she probably doesn't want to see how many girls he boned while they were together. 

Now for the big shocker of the night... Jimmy Kimmel is here!!! Oh wait, not a surprise.  But I will say, this is by far the highlight of the night and actually amazing to watch him just say every awkward thing we are all thinking.  Jimmy brings them a gift of a cow named Juan Pablo (does anyone else catch Chris Harrison say, "iiit's okaaay"???) and I am literally dying.  This makes every boring moment of the night worth it. 

Finally it is time for the real huge shocker of the night- the Bachelorette reveal! Okay, I won't lie, this actually is kind of shocking.  Are they freaking kidding me that we are going to have 2 Bachelorettes? This is the worst idea ABC has ever had.  Britt will be a horrible Bachelorette, so the idea of having her "competing" with Kaitlyn is completely dumb.  Literally nobody knows how this is going to work and neither girl is excited about it (neither are any of us), and this officially ruins the night. As Kaitlyn put it, this is "not ideal."  This is already the most awkward and uncomfortable situation I have ever seen on any Bachelor show (and that is saying a lot), and I feel like this just killed everything.  I think I'll just skip to Bachelor in Paradise, thanks!  Hope everyone enjoyed survived this season as much as I did... until the next one!

Monday, March 2, 2015

Women Tell All Recap: I Thought We Were All Friends!

Tonight looks like it will be prove to be the most dramatic Women Tell All ever (or so ABC has been hyping it). But I won't lie, these women are so freaking crazy and emotional, that this will definitely be nuts. PLUS, Chris is probably the LEAST articulate Bachelor ever (maybe even worse than Juan Pablo- at least he had a language excuse), so his attempts to bring any of the girls closure should be pretty entertaining.  Here's some highlights, in case you missed a minute!

Britt confronts Carly about her lack of friendship: "Why did you pretend to be my best friend, Carly???  We listened to music together!"  Chris Harrison decides that he cannot handle simple in-seat bickering so he just goes ahead and invites Britt up to the couch with him.  Let's do this, Britt!  Why did everyone act so nice and like they were friends in the house and then talk bad about her??? Cue a TON of side yelling and bickering and Jillian attacking Carly for being insecure and mean. Hey now, do NOT knock Carly. She is like my imaginary bestie.  In other news, Chris Harrison has to whistle at Jillian when she gets "a little jacked up" and we all die of joy a little bit.  Carly has a chance to clarify everything she said and told Chris, which according to Britt was all based on hate and taking things out of context.  The girls were demonizing her and she would still be on the show if not for Carly!  After 20 minutes of painful yelling, Chris H. finally says agree to disagree, and all of our lives go on.  In other news, for such a pretty girl, Britt is quite an ugly crier.  And a pretty good actress.

Kelsey confronts the "Black Widow" claims: Well, it only takes 12 seconds for her to bring up her husband dying and how she feels like she is grieving all over again.  But really.  How sickening that she just compared her husband's death to being eliminated from a reality show. Wow.  Apparently all Kelsey wants is to be accepted by these women.  She does not feel like she is better than them, okay?  (This is a very well-rehearsed speech, BTW).  Finally the ladies get to attack her, and Megan says the most coherent thing she's said all season- that if Kelsey is still grieving, why did she come on a game show?  But really.  Juelia (who also lost her husband) feels totally insulted that Kelsey used this story as a game ploy, and we are ALL in agreement with the other ladies.  Kelsey asks for forgiveness and Ashley I. pretty much laughs at her face, and I seriously am obsessed with Ashley's expressive faces.  Can't get enough of these reactions! The moral of the story is, Kelsey is effing crazy, lost a loved one, handled herself poorly on TV, and is someone that I would NEVER want to encounter in real life.  Talk about obnoxious.  Finally we move on, and not a moment too soon.

Ashley Onion explains herself:  Chris Harrison calls her one of his favorite women ever, and she brings him an onion (that she apparently has now started growing on her own).  I was really hoping that Ashley would turn out to be totally normal, but either she really is effing NUTS, or she is putting on some kind of impressive act.  After some bizarre conversation and rambling, Chris H. invites her to be on Bachelor in Paradise, and I DIE.  PLEASE.  That would be the best thing to happen to that show since Clare.  Times a million.  Man I would love to see that, as would the rest of the world. 

Jade discusses the X-Rated secret: Apparently Chris has been talking crap on his blog, because he's sharing his thoughts about Jade with the world, rather than with Jade.  Which... yeah, is messed up.  As we could all guess, Chris was uneasy about how "wild" her family said she was, and I'm sure the photos didn't help.  Other than that, the interview was, shock, boring, and nothing new was learned.  Next.

Kaitlyn rips Chris a new one: So, apparently Chris completely led her on and made her feel 100% confident that she would be getting a rose that day.  But I mean, duh, Chris is so nice and can't make up his mind, so it doesn't surprise me that he acted that way.  She admits to being blindsided and says she is still heartbroken, and she actually seems really genuine about it.  Kaitlyn calls Chris out on his stumbling around on his words instead of explaining to her why he had sent her home.  And Chris responds by... stumbling around on his words and... uh... explaining how hard it was?  She confronts him for making her stand through the rose ceremony instead of giving her the courtesy to have a private chat like he gave to Becca.  Seriously!  Chris tries to articulate some kind of answer, but all he knows is that he, uh... in that instance... uh, did the best he could.  But really, why do all these women want to be with him?  He can't even formulate a coherent thought.  They must be really desperate for some farmer lovin'.  Move on Kaitlyn, you can do better!

Chris talks Britt & Jade off the ledge: Can we talk about how Britt starts crying the second Chris walks out there?  Stop.  Give me a break and get over it.  She gives him like a 5 minute hug and holds his hand, and explains that it was all Carly's fault, but it's all good now.  Is she still vying for his heart?  The show is over, Britt.  She gushes to Chris about how wonderful he is, and Chris H. ushers her back to her seat.  That's enough, Britt.  Jade also needs to come up to the couch to talk, and Chris looks beyond uncomfortable.  Jade is upset that Chris called the Playboy situation "awkward" (and it was.), and he explains that, sorry, it was, and that's how I felt.  Sorry.  Move on.  Man, if only she didn't have such a wild side, I feel like she could have been the one!  Oh well.

The Big Excitement: You know this is a lame season of contestants when the "big announcement" tonight is that Chris Harrison wrote a book that is coming out in May!  (Is it bad that I totally want to read it?)  PLUS, we get scenes from next week's big finale, coming to us from... Iowa!  Can't wait to see the CRAZY ending that we would never expect in a million years!  Until then...

Monday, February 23, 2015

Week 8 Recap: The One We Have All Been Waiting For

So... It's finally happened- they left the country!!!  But will Chris know how to fall in love outside of America??  One can only hope.  We are down to the last 3 amazing girls who are all so amazing and would make amazing wives.  In case you missed it, we have: Kaitlyn (totally awesome/funny but would hate life in Iowa, PLUS I've read rumors that she's doing this for TV exposure, so that's sad), Whitney (so positive and annoying I could puke), and Becca (probably the best choice for him, super boring and virginal).  Can't wait to see which lucky ladies make it through the episode, and what happens in that fantasy suite... ;)

If he only knew...
We start off the trip with a date with Kaitlyn, visiting a temple and hopefully getting Kaitlyn to get out of her comfort zone!  Later they play around with some monkeys who go after what they want (bananas) and Kaitlyn realizes she needs to learn from those monkeys and go get it (Chris)!  She is ready for some serious conversations and some serious fantasy time.  At dinner, Kaitlyn opens up about her guard and says she is going to let it down (but really, why do Bach contestants ALWAYS have to talk about guards being up?  So cliche.).  After Kaitlyn opens up, Chris is super excited to be with her allllll night and we're like, look how hot she is!  Of course you're excited!  They head off to their baller fantasy suite where we watch them make out some more, and Kaitlyn admits that she is falling in love with him, and in a bold move- Chris tells her that he is falling in love too!!  And I'm like, uhh I'm pretty sure they are not allowed to admit that at this point... but okay.  Now that they know about their strong feelings, they pull down those shades and continue their night in private... Ohhh yeah.

Chris's next date involves Whitney and a boat, and I'm like, you are going to be trapped in the middle of the ocean all day with Whitney?!?  I can't imagine anything more awful.  But I guess this is the first test- if he can survive a day of isolation with her, what's the rest of his life in Iowa?  Whitney is sure that she needs to talk on and on and on about her sister and explain all about why her sister was being such a brat (aka realistic) when they met.  Things were only 99% perfect because of her stupid sister!  I want everything to be 100% amazing all the time, and it wasn't, all because of her!  Is Chris starting to realize how freaking annoying she? It's hard to tell if he is figuring things out or not...  Apparently his only reservation is if she is willing to uproot her life for Iowa (I mean, she did make a huge deal about how much she loves her job...), but I'm like, is that really your only concern? Yikes.  Chris very clearly explains that his town freaking sucks and there is nothing to do, and that she wouldn't be able to work.  But Whitney reassures Chris that she would have no problem leaving her job and all she really wants to do in life is get married and have babies, so.  Screw a social life!  Screw a career!  Let's start making babies!  No really, like, tonight, in the fantasy suite.  I'm still waiting on that specimen... ;)

Finally, the date that ABC has been telling us we have all been waiting for! The virgin.  The fantasy suite. What shocking events will ensue??? They start off their date going on a little adventure walk, just like the new adventure they'll be going on later, perhaps...?  They go to this fortune teller guru guy who gives them advice for the night, to make love.  Chris of course is like, yeahhhh I like that, yeahhhh and Becca has an "oh shit" moment when she realizes that Chris is like every other man and possibly won't be too ecstatic about her choices... Chris voices his concern to us that Becca has never been in love before, because that's a red flag.  Little does he know what else she's never done before...  They both share that they think they are falling in love with the other, and things are getting pretty serious.  So when will she reveal the big news?!? The fantasy suite card arrives, and apparently Becca still hasn't figured out what she is going to do!  Really, you've had the entire season to think about this.  Just tell him.  Becca tells Chris that she wants to spend that time together, and so agrees to join him in the suite.  Chris is looking forward to this "big night," to get to know Becca on an intimate level, because HE STILL DOESN'T KNOW!!!  Finally, once they are IN THE SUITE, Becca is ready to drop the news.  She tells him, and Chris goes totally silent and cannot speak for a good 20 seconds.  His eyes just completely drop all the hope that was there, and eventually he finally tells her that he respects that.  And Becca could not be happier about that reaction- it was perfect!  Really?  Because I'm pretty sure that was not all that supportive...  Regardless, they spend the night together, and Becca leaves us with a shady statement about how long she has been waiting to feel this way... What is she implying???  Is she going to let Chris take her v-card???  Will Chris then feel guilty for life if he doesn't giver her a rose this week???  We are dying to know!!!

Well, apparently Chris and Becca had a very serious conversation off camera during their fantasy suite date, and Chris has woken up feeling very confused and very scared about his decision.  He starts crying as he babbles on about his tough decision, and keeps freaking out that he has no clarity here.  Thankfully, Chris Harrison is here to make everything better!  Chris tells Chris H. that he is feeling really strong about one girl, and I have to assume that is Whitney.  Ughhh how can he stand it?  Hope he can finally make up his mind about the other...

The rose ceremony begins, and Chris Harrison reminds us that this is sacred ground, which means NO signs of affection other than holding hands.  Respect, okay!  The girls are all there dressed up in their little Balinese (is that a word?) outfits, and Becca is feeling very worried about her status with Chris, as he has an excruciating decision to make.  Before he gives away any roses, he pulls Becca aside for a little chat.  So, apparently Chris was questioning if Becca was just having feelings for him because of the show, but Becca wants to reassure him that it is not the show, it is honest feelings!  She has not taken Arlington off the table and she wants to be able to talk about it more.  Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is super excited because she assumes that Becca is being sent home, so when they see Chris and Becca hand-in-hand returning to the rose ceremony, there's a big "oh shit" moment.  Well this changes things...

Ninja Chris gets back to his position and gets ready to hand out the first rose.  And, duh, it goes to Whitney.  Yay I am so happy this is amazing this is the greatest thing that has ever happened in my life we are perfect for each other!!! Then Chris gives the other rose to... Becca.  Wow.  I guess you decided to take a chance on her after all.  Poor Kaitlyn is looking pretty pissed and a bit shocked, and I get it.  She let her guard down!  Clearly it wasn't enough, and I am bummed because I like Kaitlyn, BUT, I never saw her as his wife.  Chris whispers some B.S. to her about how hard this has been and how it makes no sense and he has to follow his gut and blah blah blah, and I'm over it already.  Did he mention that this has been excruciating?  No, what's excruciating is listening to this horrifically awkward goodbye.  Just put her in the van and let her go, I can't bear to watch this anymore.  They both cry a bit more, and we see Whitney and Becca get a little more confident.

So in the end, it comes down to the super annoying vs. the super boring.  You can't lose, Chris!  But first, we get Women Tell All next week, where I am sure the drama will escalate even further.  Can't wait to get all the dish from the eliminated ladies!  Until then...