Monday, January 26, 2015

Week 4 Recap: "Possessed, Crazy, and Totally Out of It"

This week will be a very exciting change for us, because the girls are going all natural! Since they definitely don't all wear a ton of makeup and fake hair extensions and fake you name it. Chris wants to be in his element, so for his first group date, he takes all these bikini-clad sluts to a lake to get half naked! And the girls are loving it. Oh, except for Kelsey.  She is hating her life. She HATES this stupid lake with these stupid girls and these stupid fake smiles. And then she gets stung by a bee! And to top it off, they find out they will be camping here overnight! Kelsey's own personal hell is going to last all night long. Boy, I wonder what is going to happen in Chris's giant tent that is conveniently 5 feet away from the girls' tents... You really set that one up for scandal, producers!

Meanwhile, Chris's sisters come to the house to meet some of the girls and choose the one on one dater.  Of course, Jillian is in fine form as she happens to be passed out in her butt-revealing swimsuit when they arrive. The sisters will definitely pick her to marry into their family!  So they have some alone time with each of the girls at the house, and it will be nice for Chris to get some good female advice so he stops picking these party bimbos.

So the sister's chosen date card arrives and the date goes to Jade. I'm like, who is she? I feel like we don't know her at all. So maybe we will finally get to know her?? Apparently she is going on a princess date and it will be a surprise for Chris... Will he even know who she is when she arrives??

Back at the campsite, Onion Ashley is at it again! Finally, all she needed was some liquor, and the crazy is back out.  She dances around singing nonsense songs as the other girls bitch about how fake Kelsey is being. Yeah, Ashley I., KELSEY is the fake one... Looked in the mirror lately?  Crazy Ashley has some time with Chris and as Kaitlyn says, she is "possessed, crazy, and totally out of it all at the same time."  Yeah. She is big time nuts.  Who even knows what she is saying? Next, all-natural Ashely decides to show Chris who she really is, aka puts on more mascara and lipstick and makes out with him.  She is so real! Kaitlyn gets the rose, even though by that time she is admittedly drunk, and Ashley I. is shocked!  She needs to show him her virgin ways by sneaking into his tent late at night.  Doesn't he know that she is actually innocent deep down, even though she looks like a total slut on the outside?  She tries to explain her virginity subtly while Chris is half asleep, but he justifiably has no clue what is going on.  Maybe later on she can set the record straight...

The next morning, Jade is preparing for her princess date and all the girls think it's cute.  Except Ashley I.  She is beyond jealous. And mad.  All she wants to do is go on a date dressed up like a princess! If the sisters knew that, they would have picked her!  Nobody appreciates this like she would!  These other girls are PISSED that they don't get pampered with a fairy godmother, and I'm like, wait. Aren't you supposed to be here to fall in love with Chris?? Why do you need all the fancy stuff to be happy? Hmm. 

They start their Cinderella date, once Chris figures out who she is, and it's so romantic, blah blah, who cares. God, she is boring.  Back at the house, it is much more entertaining, as Ashley I. sits alone eating corn on the cob in her fancy princess dress and hair and make up.  This bitch is crazy and needs to go.  Jade gets the rose and this painful date ends and I'm like please get back to the Kaitlyns of the competition!  At least that is fun to watch!

The last date card arrives and it sends 6 girls, in wedding dresses, to a private jet.  What is this fancy occasion??  Surprise! They are at a dirty competition and Jillian is relieved.  She is ready to fight again! I like that this is for a good cause, but why do they have to ruin these expensive wedding dresses?  Seems wasteful.  Maybe they could have donated their wedding dress budget to MS instead...  Just saying.  So of course Jillian wins, blah, and I do not want to see them on a one on one date... She is so wrong for him it isn't even funny.  So far 1 for 3 on good dates tonight...  Shockingly, this date does not go well, since Jillian cannot stop talking about competitions and Chris starts to think only about unicorns and fairies.  Please do not give her a rose.  Chris is trying so hard to be nice an diplomatic about this, but this is so uncomfortable.  He decides to try to let her down easy, and she cries and whatnot, but I am so glad this happened.  She is entertaining, but it's time to get serious, Chris!
Worst date idea ever...
Finally it is cocktail party time and I can't wait for the major tears to come out.  Chris gets a huge shock when Ashley I. reveals her virginal truth, and he allegedly respects her more for it, but in reality he is like, no way in hell this skankily dressed girl is that innocent.  And now he won't make moves on her anymore! WTF, I told you I was innocent, so make out with me!  So it then comes out that Becca is also a virgin and I'm like, is this what Chris requested to the producers?? Wow.  Plus now I am wondering which of these girls will be the virgin who goes to the fantasy suite, because frankly, I am not really a fan of either.

Later on, Britt questions Chris on his integrity, and why he keeps choosing Kaitlyn when she just talks about inappropriate things and sex.  Chris is put on the spot and super uncomfortable and eventually just walks away from the conversation.  He does NOT want to be questioned because he IS here to meet his wife, but of course we are all supposed to worry about Britt going home now.  Ugh, this just makes me like Chris less and Britt more.  

The rose ceremony begins and Chris keeps choosing these DUDS.  Why are all of these random lame-o girls being kept around??  Ashley I. gets a rose, THANK GOD, and life can go on for her.  The final rose goes to Britt, and it turns out she is staying after all.  Shock.  At least he sends home 3 girls, including Onion Ashley (finally) and the poor sad widow. 

Apparently next week is going to involve some scandalous dirty-doings, and some MAJOR acting by Kelsey.  I am anxious to see what this is about, because I have been trying to like Kelsey, but it looks like next week might change that... Can't wait to find out!  Til then...

Monday, January 19, 2015

Week 3 Recap: Jimmy Kimmel Crashes!

So I am actually kind of excited about this week, because apparently Jimmy Kimmel is crashing, which means this episode will turn into a total shit show.  Sounds amazing.

The first date of the week goes to Kaitlyn, and I am excited, since she is one of the only girls I actually like.  Jimmy Kimmel tells them to prepare for vaulted ceilings and unlimited hors d'oeuvres, and they end up at... Costco.  Which is, by the way, accurate, and also hilarious.  Great start to this one, Jimmy.  Can he plan every episode please?

So Jimmy has them buy like, the entire store full of random stuff and it is kind of adorable and hilarious.  You can tell that Chris is really falling for her, and she is definitely a good choice.  She is funny and cool and seems very normal, which is refreshing among this group of psychos women.  Jimmy interrupts while they are having a little make-out session, and he turns this date into an awkwardly ridiculous night.  Jimmy starts to interrogate Chris and Kaitlyn about the fantasy suite, etc, and I am loving it- this is what we need on this show!  Someone to cut through the bullshit and ask the real questions!  Jimmy shows us that Kaitlyn is the real-deal and they spend the night laughing, which is refreshing.  Chris even has to give her the rose with Jimmy sitting at the table, which is also hilarious.  I love that Jimmy is making a mockery of the show even more than anyone ever has.  Please do this every week!  The date ends with a Jimmy-supervised make-out session in the hot tub, and I just love it. Keep this going!

Come back every week, please!
In other news, as we watch Jillian work out in preparation for her group date, I just can't stop wondering why they ALWAYS have to black out her butt/crotch.  Like, what is showing ALL the time that we can't see?  Fascinating.  Good thing she was training so hard, because this date is a Hoedown Throwdown competition with obstacles/activities from life on a farm.  I'm kind of scared of Jillian, but let's see how this goes...  The girls get to milk some goats then drink it (warm and salty apparently) and last of all, wrestle some pigs.  While this is all going on, Jillian's ass is STILL out (especially as she vault over a fence), and the girls can't stop mentioning it either, so it must be all out there.  (Is it weird that I kind of want to see it?  Just to know what we are really missing...).  Anyway, her training did not pay off, because lactose-intolerant Carly wins the competition and gets some alone time with Chris.  This is probably for the best, anyway...

Later on, Chris ends up kissing, umm, pretty much EVERY girl on the group date, and little immature Mackenzie cannot handle the competition.  Why are you kissing everyone else?  Don't you, like, only like me?  I mean, remember me? Like, hello?  In a rare twist of events, one of the girls (Becca) actually DOESN'T want to kiss him (she's not into rushing things), and I guess that made her stand out, because she got the rose.  Fascinating.  In other news, Crazy Ashley must not have been crazy this week, because she has gotten NO screen time.  Bummer, I was hoping for some more antics!

Anyway, Whitney gets the final date, and apparently they are going to end up wedding crashing... Wow, wild night.  Hope they don't get arrested!  I'm sure this is in no way planned, and they are really doing something risky!  By the way, does anyone else feel like Whitney is on a job interview rather than a date?  This conversation is awful.  So to end the misery, she convinces him to crash this vineyard wedding with her- YOLO!  I am sure no one will recognize Chris and wonder why he is there.  This plan is flawless!  Oh and by the way, they just happen to have formal attire with them, and a fake ring so they can pretend to be engaged, and apparently the cameras will not be following them.  Weird, right? For some reason, Whitney's ability to deceive an entire wedding party is a turn-on for Chris, and they enjoy some romance on the dance floor.  Blah.  She annoys me.  Move on please.

So instead of a cocktail party, there is a pool party today, which is a super fun time for everyone.  Except for Juelia, who takes this chance to bring up her deceased husband.  I know, we do feel bad for her, but this story really brings down the mood of the day.  Chris is like, I'm just trying to see hot chicks in bikinis and kiss a few more girls.  Luckily he is a great guy and comforts her during this insanely depressing story, and we all know he can't send her home now after that.  Man, these other girls are going to look really petty now for crying over getting only 10 minutes with Chris instead of 15.  Well, Britt gets another make-out session and the other girls want in too!  Jade (who??) gets Chris to take her into his house and even gets onto his bed for her own make-out session.  Wow. These girls mean business this season.  Jillian swoops into his hot tub for some time, and I feel like she is just too intense (and man-like?) for my taste.  Luckily the other girls interrupt (or try to), but Jillian won't take the hint and won't leave!  This is getting so awkward and I can't deal with Ashley I.'s tears about this.  Maybe they've all had too many day drinks??  Finally Ashley gets her time, and she spends it crying and acting totally sloppy.  Good thing she is so hot, or else this would be a turn-off for sure.  Thankfully she gets a kiss (awkwardly intense make-out), so that will make her feel better I guess...

It's finally time for the rose ceremony, and luckily Jimmy is there to keep it lighthearted.  But I don't think the eliminated girls will find anything too funny... Ashley I. gets the final rose (duh, haven't they hinted that she will be in the top 3?), and 3 randos are sent home.  I wish more had been eliminated- this is already taking WAY too long to narrow this down.  At the very end of the night, Jimmy is sent home, but I do hope he makes his return soon!  We'll have to wait and see what a regular drama-filled episode is like again next week.  Until then...

Monday, January 12, 2015

Week 2 Recap: The Drunken Shenanigans Continue

Well another dramatic week is upon us, starting with eliminated Kimberly trying to weasel her way back into the competition.  But all I can think is, why is it light outside?!?  Is it daytime now? Did they literally spend the ENTIRE night at the cocktail party/rose ceremony and now it's morning??  Because that sure explains why Tara was about to pass out a little while ago- I would too if I were up drinking/throwing myself at a man until sunrise.  Someone needs to explain this please.

Anyway, Chris lets this bitch come back and the other girls are NOT okay with this.  He is breaking all the rules!  We do not need another girl here!

So in case we were wondering, Chris Harrison lets us know that there ARE no rules this season and in fact, Chris is living right down the driveway so... feel free to visit him whenever you want... hint hint.  AKA, this is NO Sean Lowe, there is going to be some scandalous stuff this season and we love it!

Well the first date begins and it's a little pool party with the lucky first 6 women!  So glad that Chris did so much training with Cody so his bod is acceptable to the ladies.  Oh and apparently they aren't just swimming, they will be tractor riding in bikinis through downtown LA.  So this is what Chris is into... okay.
Bringing the class, Chris...

Meanwhile, two wasted bitches spend their day at home sneaking into and exploring Chris's little house, and apparently Jillian is barely wearing a bikini bottom because that whole area needs to be blurred... But really, how much alcohol is in this house this season?!? Because so far there are a LOT of wasted girls. All the time.

So the group date turns into a one-on-one as Chris takes Mackenzie away to be alone.  Has anyone else realized that she is 21??  I'm sorry, does she want to get engaged to a guy she just met right now?  Because all I know is that when I was 21, I was NOT trying to do that.  So, is she really the right choice for you, Chris?  Just saying.  You may want to consider these things.  Unsurprisingly, their date conversation is insanely immature (SHE IS 21) and Chris might just be figuring out that this is not the girl.  But apparently this chick has a one-year old son, which she admits to Chris, who is so nice that he has to like her for her single mom status.  So I guess now we know why she is there- she needs someone to support them, since she is clearly too immature to handle it herself.  She gets a rose and a kiss and I'm over her already.

For the first real one-on-one, Chris picks Megan, who is either always wasted or is just a total moron.  Either way, great catch!  If Chris's type is really these immature party-girl morons, then this season is not going to be my favorite.  Might as well quit now.  Anyway, they take a helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon, which I won't lie, is pretty cool.  I wonder if she even knows what state she is in right now?  But, of course this girl also has a sob story so we can't hate her, and Chris can never send her home because he is too nice.  They also kiss, and his count is already up to 3.  How many more before the end of this episode, I wonder... So she gets a rose, blah blah, and so far I am less than impressed.

So the last date card sends another group to a haunted house-type place for a zombie hunt or something.  Shockingly, another dumbass/waste-case is among us.  Good old Onion Ashley cannot comprehend the concept and will likely end up shooting her teammate, or herself, in the face with a paint ball.  I hope it's the latter. 

Back at home, more shit-faced girls are twerking against the wall, and wasted, wine-glass toting Jordan informs us about Jillian's butt hair.  Is that why they keep having to blur out her butt/crotch area?? At least these drunk girls are entertaining and informative!  I just keep thinking, is that what Chris asked for?!?  Because I just can't see them being all that serious. 

So, Chris has some alone time and I actually kind of like Kaitlyn.  And guess what?  She gets a kiss too!  Shock. But unfortunately that time is overshadowed by psycho Ashley crawling on the ground and sputtering nonsense.  Chris is way too nice and can't admit that she is freaking crazy.  Instead he implies that he will deal with this nut tomorrow, but I can't believe she is still here.  Finally Chris gets more time with Britt, who is clearly going to win since he obviously likes her the most already, but just to be fair he gives Kaitlyn the rose. I mean he has to at least make it LOOK like someone else might win this.

Finally the cocktail party arrives- can't wait to see how many more girls he kisses in week 2!  It comes out that Ashley I. is a virgin, and according to Mackenzie, this is the greatest thing that could possibly happen and she is beyond jealous.  A) How is this possible?  She is so hot.  and B) Is this really true that Chris will keep her longer because of this?  So then she has a hard core, like intense, make-out session with Chris and I'm wondering if she is telling the truth.  Next, Chris kisses Amber when she goes in for it.  Then drunk Jordan decides she wants in but ends up being a bit too wasted to make it happen.  Even though she was wearing lipstick and everything!

The rose ceremony gets ultra exciting when Chris calls Juelia, and Jillian walks up, stops short, and falls on the carpet.  She does eventually get a rose of her own, as do all these girls who I don't even remember.  Chris ends up getting rid of some of the drunk girls like Tara and Jordan, but he keeps CRAZY ASHLEY.  I hope this is some sick joke, because if he is serious... what the heck is wrong with him?  Why is his type crazy bitches?  This season is definitely going to end well!  Can't wait to see what idiotic decisions he makes next week! Until then...

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Week 1 Recap: "Drunk Girls Are Getting Roses"

Another Bachelor season is upon us and lucky for you, I am back!  How could I pass up the opportunity to offer my commentary on Prince Farming’s quest for love?  Not only is the show back, but we get to kick the season off with a ridiculously unnecessary 3-hour premiere, complete with all of our favorite Bachelor “celebs” on a red carpet.  Wow.

Thankfully the actual show is interspersed with the Bachelor family reunion, and I am wondering if I am just getting older/wiser, or if the producers are making this show more ridiculous every season.  Seriously, this is by FAR the cheesiest intro in Bachelor history.  It’s like they are making a mockery of themselves. Or maybe I just cannot relate to the farmer lifestyle.  But really, will these 25 (excuse me, 30…) women be able to?

So after an hour of bullshitting on the “red carpet” it is finally time to meet the ladies.  Can’t wait to see what they have scrounged up for this Iowa man.  Because doesn’t everyone want to move to the middle of nowhere with someone they’ve only ever seen on TV?  Well after the first limo I am wondering if they only picked psychos for this season… is that his type? Because these girls are all CRAY so far.  We’ve got a 45 second hugger and a freak with a fake heart.  And this crazy bitch who changed clothes.  Hmm. Winners.

And really, why are almost all of these girls either dancers or athletes? Or waitresses I guess. Is that really his type, because he apparently needed to fly Cody out to help him “train” for the show.  Or is it just that they need girls who can up and move to become housewives in Iowa?  Have any of these women been real professionals yet?  Or have I just missed them? 

So once 15 girls are there, Chris comes in the house.  And the girls are FREAKING out that there are only 15 there.  Where are the other limos???  There are usually at least 25!!!! What is happening???? Where are all the other girls???? 

Meanwhile, Crazy Eyes admits to being the secret admirer, a nurse brings up hog insemination, and the girls continue to freak out.  Finally Chris Harrison breaks the news that he has tricked everyone.  HAHA.  Gotcha!  15 more women are coming!  And we are all shocked!

Finally “the Others” arrive and the original girls act like total high school bitches and shun them. I mean, weren’t you expecting this the whole time??   In other news, if this is the MAJOR SURPRISE/plot twist that the previews hinted at, that is bullshit.  Because this is nothing new, or exciting. Nice try, ABC.

Once the SIXTH limo arrives, girls are freaking out!!!  Gimmicks start to get ridiculously cheesy and I hate everyone so far.  I guess Onion Girl is pretty entertaining at least, since she is clearly freaking nuts.  Not to mention how wasted these girls are getting after hours in the house surrounded by booze.  Wow.

Drink up, ladies!
Chris finally gives out the first impression rose to one of the original crazies, Britt, and they even share their first kiss. ALREADY.  This Hollywood waitress.  She is going to make such a good wife and mother.  Apparently this is love at first sight for both of them, and I guess we should just end the show now.   He found the one!  It’s over!

But alas, I guess we need a rose ceremony after all.  But at last, we finally find out what is so shocking at the ceremony- one of the girls is so sloppy drunk right now that she is about to pass the eff out during the ceremony.  This. Is. Hilarious.  Apparently Chris doesn’t think it’s so amusing since he has to abruptly exit the room, but I can’t get enough.  But good old Tara gets a rose anyway, along with some other stumblers. And girls are like, “Drunk girls are getting roses’” what the Hell?!?  Did they stock the house with extra booze this season or what, because there really are a LOT of waste cases tonight. 

So, moral of the story from tonight: Chris loves girls with tattoos and crazy drunks who love onions, but NOT crazy eyes.

Can’t wait to see what happens next week when one of the girls SHOCKINGLY tries to convince Chris to take her back… Should be thrilling as always… ‘Til then…