Monday, May 30, 2016

The Bachelorette Week 2: The Douche of the Season

Tonight is only week 2, but we will apparently already get to see a lot of makeout sessions, and a LOT of douchey behavior. Let the games begin! Things get started right away with a group date with a bunch a lame guys, and Robby (one of my faves!). To start the date, the guys all see JoJo's limo go up in flames, but JoJo emerges from a fire truck in full-on fireman's gear. Good lord, JoJo, as if you need to get any hotter. Of course all the guys are losing their minds and probably need a quick cold shower before the date starts... For this date, the guys will be going through a firefighter obstacle course, competing for more time with JoJo, and it seems kind of fair, except that one of the guys is an actual firefighter in real life... So... he should win, right...? Poor Wells is super cute but is clearly too small and pathetic to do any of this physical work, and almost passes out. But he does get some extra alone time with JoJo, which I guess makes up for looking like a total pussy? So at the end of the day, SHOCKER- Grant the firefighter wins the whole competition! What do you know? It's like it was planned all along...
But really.. damn girl.
Meanwhile back at the house, Chad does all he can to prove himself as the ultimate douche from day one. He decides to strap a full suitcase onto a weight belt and do pull-ups on the edge of the house. Just in case there was any doubt as to who was the biggest tool. Keep it up, Chad! I'm dying to see what you come up with next.

At the rest of the group date, Grant gets his special alone time with JoJo, AND a pretty sweet kiss. JoJo also spends some more time with Wells, and I really do like his cute little pathetic innocence. He is definitely not her typical type of a big buff manly-man, but he's really funny and sweet. Keep him around! Another early front runner, Luke, is really starting to bug me. He seems weirdly obsessed with her this early on, and is starting to act like a total girl. There's just something about him that I am turned off by... Hm.. Not a fave. So at the end of the date, Wells gets the rose, in true Bachelor form! Whoever acts the most pathetic in a group date always gets the rose! Worked out great for you, Wells, I'm impressed.

The next date of the week is a one-on-one with Derek. And I'm like, who is Derek again?? I think I liked him, but I barely remember him. This better be good! The date is all about making choices, and they end up in San Francisco at the Golden Gate Bridge, it is seems like a pretty amazing date.

Back at the house, all the guys are bonding and writing songs with pretty stellar lyrics ("JoJoJo Jo Jo"), except for some- Chad has actually found a friend in Daniel (remember the ass who got almost naked on the first night?). They both agree that THEY are the real nice guys, and the "nice" guys are actually the ones to look out for. Yes, that is exactly how it works! So glad we have this relationship expert here to explain how things work. But it looks like, GASP, the house is dividing...! I wonder how this will end up.

Meanwhile, back on Derek's date, things move on to dinner and it seems to be going really well. Derek is actually pretty good looking, and seems like a good guy. Apparently he was hurt in a past relationship and has had trouble opening up to people ever since... what a crazy concept on this show! But JoJo opens up about Ben, so Derek opens up about his ex too. He gets the rose, and they definitely have a good connection. So, I like him, but he might not be exciting enough to make it to the end... We'll see!
Derek... not bad, not bad
Next, it's time for the final group date of the week, including some favorites like Jordan and Alex, plus The Douche. So the guys walk into the ESPN building where JoJo is acting as a host of Sports Nation and the guys are like uhhhhhh my two favorite things- ESPN and a hot girl. Yes please. In other news, do these people yet know who Jordan is??? I feel like these sports commentators have to know. The guys will be getting power ranked based on their ability to dance with a rose, play sober dizzy bat, and put on a fake press conference. In true Chad fashion, he decides to act "like a man" and tell JoJo she is being too naggy during his pretend marriage proposal... Good work, Chad. Plus, all the guys call him out on being the worst person ever during their fake press conferences... Chad, however,  accuses all the other guys of being fake because they already think they love JoJo. He's just being real and honest! He doesn't even know if he likes her yet, I mean, she's hot, but like, I don't even know yet. Is this how you usually get girls? Because I'm sure the asshole method works at the bar, but not sure it's going over well with someone like JoJo. But please, keep going, it is so entertaining! Finally, the power rankings come out, and they put Chad in 2nd because of his "honesty"... wow. Alex got 3rd and James came in 1st. And I'm like, you don't even consider the benefits of Jordan's family?!? Fineeeee...

Later that evening, JoJo spends more time with the 6 guys, starting with James. I love him because he fully admits that he is not nearly good enough for her (true), but he reads her the sweetest note that he wrote, and I love how adorable he is. Chad continues to remind us that he is the only MAN here, and all the other guys are just little boys. They clearly don't have as much experience with women as he does....... JoJo totally sees right through him, that he is compensating for something, and he even talks about how he doesn't want to have to worry about a relationship when he is working so much. And... that is all of the sudden different now? The great (okay, not great) thing for Chad is that he has a sob story (his mother died recently), which makes JoJo feel bad for him and see his "sensitive side." So, yeah. Chad is going to be a front runner, despite how big of a douche he is. SHOCKER. He is charming and knows how to play the game, but JoJo actually gives the group date rose to James. Yay! In other news, why can't Alex be like 8 inches taller? He is SUPER hot and sweet, but that height is going to be a deal breaker I think. (Sorry, but I actually agree with Chad on that one!).

The night of the rose ceremony arrives, and Chad is prepared to be a douche yet again. He meets JoJo's limo out front to have some extra alone time with her, and it's clear that he knows how to play this game. The guys all confront him, but Chad doesn't get what the problem is. Stop being so sensitive, bro, I was just getting some air... In other news, he is one of the only people I've ever seen eating on this show. And he is going to town on some meat. Because he is a man!!! This is definitely a first on this show, and I love it. Chad is just so standoffish towards JoJo, and acts like he doesn't like her that much, and it is working beautifully. I totally get why JoJo is into it though, and it's genius. Oh Chad, we will be seeing you for a while I am sure. Towards the end of the night, Alex confronts him yet again, and Chad straight up threatens to beat his face in. Oh Chad, we know you are a tough guy, enough with the threats.
Finally we get to the main event- the rose ceremony, and it is time to send a couple of the nobodys home. Or not...? Because she keeps around Evan, Daniel, and Vinny, who are ALL total losers. She saves the rose for Chad for last, of course, and nobody is surprised (we saw him in the previews!!). She does send home the Bachelor Superfan (who cares), some nerdy looking guy, and some guy with long hair. If only she had sent home more! At least we have a whole week for her to think about who else to send home, and for Chad to drink more protein shakes. And next week we get a full 2 nights of douche-baggery. Can't wait until then!

Monday, May 23, 2016

The Bachelorette Week 1: Bring on the Men!

The Bachelorette is back! And this is, in my opinion, the BEST Bachelorette yet. (At least since Ali.) In case you've been living under a rock, this season's Bachelorette is JoJo, the amazing, beautiful, funny, smart, cool, fun-loving, awesome runner-up from Ben's season. We just can't wait to see JoJo find the perfect man for her! JoJo insists that she has fully moved on from her breakup with Ben, and we are ready to see some amazing connections with some new (hopefully) hotties. Bring on the men! (Before we get to the men, JoJo wants some advice, and meets with some old faves- Kaitlyn, Des, and Ali, which is actually pretty entertaining, but come on- get to the main event!)

Looking more gorgeous than ever!

Now for some highlights of this season's men, starting with... JORDAN RODGERS. As an Aaron Rodgers loving family, I am BEYOND excited to see him on this season. He is super cute and oh by the way is RELATED TO AARON RODGERS. Keeper. Yes. Win please. In other options, we have Alex the Marine who is pretty darn hot, but I am guessing he has some issues and won't end up winning. We also get someone whose occupation is "Bachelor Superfan".. so.. that's a thing. This erectile dysfunction doctor seems like a super creep and I'd love to send him home ASAP. So far, really no winners, but apparently JoJo is attracted to military/firefighter/super buff guys. But are any of them actually successful, interesting people? Seems like no.

It's finally time for JoJo to meet the men at the mansion, and she is looking radiant as expected. Jordan is the first man out if the limo and I am like ahhhh you don't even know who he is!!! Please keep him around for hometowns! Other winners (based on first impression alone) include Robby the former competitive swimmer, Chad the real estate agent (probably a total douche but super hot), James the singer-songwriter, and Wells the radio DJ. But... all in all, I feel like there are unfortunately a lot of duds here, and I want to send like half of them home right now... If only she could cut it to less than 20 tonight. I guess she needs to take Ali's advice and keep around some duds just in case... you never know, right?

Once all the men have arrived (or so we think), JoJo gets to start spending some one-on-one time with each of them. But fun fact- apparently JoJo is TOO HOT and literally all the men are so nervous and can't relax to talk to her because she is so hot. First, she gets to sit on Alex the Marine while he does pushups, so that's fun, but won't start a lasting relationship. She also has an amazing conversation with Jordan which I am thrilled about. Awesome connection, can't wait to see where it goes. She has a super awkward kiss with the super awkward Will, followed by an interruption for an amazingggg kiss with Jordan Rodgers and I am literally DYING. This guy is killing it for me. We'll see if anyone can beat it... Later, she chats with Chad, who I won't lie, I'm into right now. He is a total douche and is clearly super rich which makes him overconfident, but for now, I'm feeling it. He won't make it to the end, his true douche side will likely come out soon, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts. JoJo also clearly loves the Texas boys, and she is super into both James and Luke. For me.. James is a winner, Luke is ehh. But I guess they both beat most of the other lame-os.

Such a sub-par group of men for JoJo...
In other news, in typical Bachelorette week 1 fashion, a bunch of the guys are getting wasted. Apparently the weirdo Canadian Daniel is totally trashed, poking people's belly buttons and getting naked. Oh, and jumping in the pool. But overall there is a lottttt of drinking going on here, and a few of the guys even stumble into the interview room and disrupt JoJo's interviews.. which she is not too psyched about. It's actually pretty entertaining to see this though- usually only 1 or 2 guys get this wasted, so this is definitely a change from the norm. They are just all too nervous about how hot she is!!!

So just when we think the rose ceremony is finally about to begin... another limo pulls up... But who is coming in to the house so late??? None other than possibly the BIGGEST douche to ever set foot into the Bachelor mansion.. Jake Pavelka. Holy crap. For those not in the know, he was the Bachelor about 6 years ago, and is the poster child for failed Bachelor relationships. Like, televised breakup level failure. Oh, and he's a HUGE fame whore, and I'm assuming it's been a bit too long since he was last on TV, and he needs some exposure. How very typical Jake. Apparently he is a close family friend???? What is this???? Jake fools us all into thinking he's here to join the cast of men, but relax! He's just here to get his next 15 minutes of fame! Apparently all he wanted to do was wish her luck and give her some advice. Purely out of the goodness of his heart and his care for her as a friend. Wow, so genuine, Jake. I'd love to go another 6 years without seeing you on my TV again, so let's make this happen, thanks...

Now for the actual rose ceremony, where all the guys we can't even remember the names of get roses. But how many drunk guys will she send home...? She does keep the "hipster", the guy dressed as Santa, the "Bachelor Superfan", the erectile dysfunction guy, and it appears- all of the wasted guys... Not sure what she's doing with this one, but okay. I guess there's not much to pick from, so what else is she going to do? She keeps 20 guys, and I think there's at least one winner in there, so I think it will work out in the end. I just can't wait until the group of losers gets whittled away, and we can focus on the real studs here. Stay tuned for the drama that is coming this season (and it looks like there will be a LOT) and - fingers crossed- maybe seeing Aaron Rodgers??? Until then...