Monday, March 14, 2016

Season Finale Recap: Ben Chooses His ONE True Love

Tonight is the night we have been waiting for!!! Finally!!! The crazy thing about this season is that I will actually be happy with either outcome, which is rare. Usually I hate one of the final two, but I actually love them both. Even though I think he would be happier with Lauren, I know he would do well with JoJo too. We will soon find out!

So. According to Chris Harrison, this could be the most dramatic finale EVER. No really. He means it this time!! Chris is even telling us that allegedly Ben will be marrying the winner TONIGHT on the After the Rose Live event. Stop. That cannot be real. But really- they flew out BOTH girls' families and Ben's hometown pastor (who is literally just reading his bible all night) and are making it seem like this is going to happen. This is sooo weird. Also, how did they convince the loser's parents to come out here and pretend they are preparing for a possible wedding? What. Is. Happening? Is this a joke?!? Don't you want a REAL wedding?? So confused.

Meanwhile, back in Jamaica, it's time for Ben to decide which woman he loves more than the other. Oh Ben, you are so deep into this now, I don't know how you're getting out alive. Or at least with both of your balls intact. First, Ben needs to introduce both of the girls to his parents, who are NOT happy to hear that he has told two girls that he loves them. So this should be good. Lauren is the first to meet them, and of course she is so freaking beautiful and precious that she makes an amazing impression on them. In other news, why does it seem like Ben's mom doesn't think as highly of him as we do? She straight up is like, yeahhh he is going to need some help in his life... And we are all like WHAT? I thought he was perfect!!! But don't worry, Lauren can handle it. Lauren is ready to marry Ben tomorrow, and who knows, maybe that's what will be happening in this episode...!

Next, JoJo still has to meet the parents. Can we talk about how Lauren brought them a massive flower arrangement and a bottle of wine, whereas JoJo only brought them a little flower in a shell. You're gonna need to step up your gifts if you're going to beat Lauren... Lauren set the bar pretty high yesterday! Just when we think that Lauren has it all wrapped up, JoJo comes out with some great chats with the parents, and we remember that she actually is pretty great too. She is so loving and honest and makes him laugh and feel safe. Gosh what are we going to do?!?

Am I the only one who is getting really bummed out at this point..? I can't imagine what Ben is going through. They are both AMAZING and beautiful and perfect for him and I love them both. How is he going to choose one?!? I feel like the only option here is a sister-wives situation. I feel like that could work... the girls get along really well... I don't think they would mind...

Now, Ben still has one final date with each girl to help him figure out this tough decision. He is clearly sooo stressed out and nervous, and for the first time we are seeing this rough side of Ben. He is obviously SO conflicted, and seems especially worried that everything with Lauren is too perfect. That's not a bad thing, Ben!!! It means that you are meant to be together!!! Is this just the producers trying to make us doubt Lauren for the first time all season??? Because it's working!!! Also we are definitely starting to see JoJo's relationship with Ben progress and they really are sweet together as best friends on top of everything. This is getting so tough!! Ben basically admits to both of the girls that he is still confused and conflicted, and everyone is losing hope. Ben has no concerns with either relationship. How is he going to make a decision?!? Also can we talk about how he and JoJo clearly went into the bathroom together to have a conversation away from the cameras, but they still had mics on some we heard everything? Good hiding, guys. So at the end of the two dates, we still know NOTHING and everyone is crazy conflicted and losing their freaking minds. HOW WILL THIS END???

It's not too perfect!!!
Apparently all Ben needed to do to decide was sit down with Neil Lane for a little ring shopping. Because as soon as he looks at the rings, he magically knows who the perfect girl is! It makes me nervous that he picks out the ugliest effing ring out of the bunch and "knows" that will be the perfect ring. Which one of these beautiful women do you think deserves such a hideous ring??? Poor girl. In other news, why isn't Ben sending one of them home before the rose ceremony? If you really do love her, you would save her the pain and anguish! Or did Chris Harrison advise you to do what it takes to make this the most dramatic finale ever? Because that is definitely what this is turning in to!! Ben knows he needs to break the heart of someone he loves, but who will it be?!?

The time has arrived for Ben to send the loser home, and the helicopters are arriving.... and JoJo steps out. Ohhhhh JoJo. We really thought you had a chance. But it looks like your love is just not enough. Ben lets her start the conversation, and JoJo goes on a lengthy tangent about how much she loves him and how amazing this is, and we cannot believe that Ben is letting her do this! Stop letting her humiliate herself!!! Finally he steps in and admits that he loves someone else more, and JoJo is rightfully pissed. You did nothing wrong! He just connects with Lauren better. JoJo actually handles this like a champ, and we all remember why we love her so much. PLEASE BE THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!!! I will do anything to have it be JoJo and not Caila. PLEASE!!!!!!! We love you!!!
Still love you, JoJo!!!!
So, just when you think you couldn't love Ben enough.. Right before Lauren is about to arrive, he busts out the cell phone and calls... Lauren's dad, to ask him for permission to propose. OH MY GOD. Literally no Bachelor has ever done this. SUCH a stud move. BE STILL MY HEART! Ben, we literally can't love anyone more. I just can't. Lauren arrives and they both profess their love for each other and it is seriously the most precious proposal since Sean Lowe. Maybe even better. THEY ARE SO STINKING CUTE. But will they be getting married live tonight?? We will soon find out...

Just when you think it's over, you realize that there is still another whole HOUR of this freaking show. The only positive is that Ben and Lauren will possibly get married (doubtful), and that we will find out who the next Bachelorette is (and apparently it might not be who we think it is....!!!). So we get to check in with Ben and see JoJo confront Ben nicely, and all that matters is that JoJo is lookin' gooooood, and that everyone on this season is just so freaking nice to each other! JoJo wishes them the best (genuinely), and we just love them all so much. Finally, Chris Harrison is ready to announce the next Bachelorette, and even though people have been trying to trick us, it is really going to be... JOJO!!!! And America is SO HAPPY!!! JoJo will be an amazing Bachelorette, and I am SO happy about this decision. Good call, ABC. This will be a winner for sure. This whole season has been worth it, now knowing that all of our favorites will end up happy. Can't wait!!!

At the end of the day, just when you thought you couldn't love Ben ANY MORE, he does it again. Chris Harrison of course tries to push this surprise wedding on them, and instead, Ben takes the opportunity to bring out both of their families (surprising Lauren) and re-propose to Lauren with all of their family and friends there. SO ADORABLE. The families are all SO SWEET and already love each other so much and I literally can't even handle how precious this is. Even though they didn't go through with the surprise wedding, they are clearly SO happy and I cannot wait until they are actually married. LOVE THEM. All we can do is hope that JoJo's season is anywhere close to as awesome as this one. We can't wait to find out!!! Until then...

Monday, March 7, 2016

Women Tell All Recap: A Whole Lot of Blah.

Tonight, all the losers women from Ben's season are returning to "tell all." But I have a feeling this will be relatively uneventful. Aside from Olivia being a "crazy bitch," (and let's be honest, we've seen wayyyy crazier), the rest of the girls were and are pretty lame. But maybe someone will surprise us and totally lose her shit. Here's hoping!!!
Time for some awkward conversations!!!
Let's be real, isn't the best part of this night always seeing all the girls come back, and realizing you don't even remember half of them..? Like, who the crap are these people that were sent home night one? You don't have anything to contribute... Jami, stop trying to get your 15 seconds of fame. And why is this chicken here? I can't even. But the one we ARE happy to see again is Lace. Ohhhhh Lace. We have missed you!!! Please bring your crazy ass back to us.

First we relive all of the "drama" which in reality, wasn't even that horrible. Ohh Olivia was rude.. Jubilee refused to talk to the girls.. Leah lied... wowwwww this was a wild season!

Next, we have to spend an absurdly long time opening up with the girl that literally nobody even cares about, Jubilee. In a word, unnecessary. So the truth about Jubilee comes out that apparently she was pulling the race card all season long. The biracial girls are pissed off because Jubilee claimed to be the "full-black girl" to make it the furthest in the show. And apparently dropped n-bombs in the house and made her race a major topic many times... I can't say I am surprised (remember how great she felt about calling Ben "white boy" on their date..?) and it actually explains a lot. I wish people would stop making us feel bad about Jubilee's departure. It was NOT heartbreaking. She was the worst. Move on. Jubilee admits that she says offensive things a lot (wow, winner!) and half-heartedly apologizes to Amber and Jami. But really. Who the eff is this Jami girl and why is she ALL over this tell-all??? She wasn't even on the season!! So confused. Chris Harrison desperately tries to turn this segment into something we care about, and fails miserably. Please get to someone we actually give a shit about. K thanks!

Thankfully, the good stuff is next- Lace! We cannot wait to see what this crazy-ass hot mess has been up to. Has she bettered herself enough to be able to love yet?? Let's hope! Apparently this whole experience has been a turning point in Lace's life, and she is totally normal now. How boring. She doesn't say the word "crazy" anymore and she now watches her facial expressions. Except she does NOT love herself yet. Hopefully she will by the time Bachelor in Paradise comes back this summer...!!! Please be ready to find love! In other news, we got to see some crazy fan in the audience come forward with a tattoo of Lace on his torso. So. We hope that's fake. And I'm just gonna go ahead and gloss right over that happening... Moving on.

Next up, we get to check in with Olivia and recap her disaster of an exit from the show. She actually seems pretty sincere and normal on tonight's show, which makes me think that being on the Bachelor actually made her legit crazy. Like she somehow turned into a maniac as the season progressed. We do get to hear both Olivia and the other girls explain who was really bullying who, but even this is not that exciting. Yes, everyone was a bitch to everyone. Olivia called Amanda a teen mom. Tell us something we don't know! Bring out some deleted scenes! Something! Because we haven't felt bad enough for Olivia, she decides to confess to America that she was severely bullied as a child, and that's why she acted this way on the show. Not that we don't take bullying seriously, but it seems a little convenient to bring this up right when everyone else is accusing you of being a bully. Obviously the girls were all meaner than they should be, but didn't you kind of expect this when you went on the Bachelor? Olivia successfully (maybe) makes the world feel bad for her by busting out the waterworks and crying about how much she is being attacked on social media. Yes, that is sad. But still. You went on the Bachelor and acted crazy. What did you really think would happen? You can cry all you want, but all we can think about is how freaking boring all of these segments have been. Why are all of these girls so lame tonight??? Is there anything good coming up??? Please!

The "craziest" girl this season.. surprisingly tame.

Unfortunately, next up is Caila. Weird with a capital W. This can only be awful. Let's see if she can actually put some complete sentences together tonight! I have to admit, I zoned out for pretty much that entire segment, because, let's be honest, nobody gives a crap about Caila. She was never the right person for Ben. She's beautiful but superrrrrrrr odd and annoying. And believe me, if it gets confirmed by ABC that she will be the next Bachelorette, you will hear some words from me about that one. I've been over her for weeks now. So sorry I wasn't paying attention to your sad little tears tonight! I'm sure it was really interesting.

Finally we get to see "the most popular Bachelor in history" come out to the stage. Sean Lowe?!? Oh wait, no, apparently he means Ben. We get to see a boring convo between him and Caila, a lame confrontation with Leah, and an angry attack from Jubilee. And at the end of the day, the girls just wish Ben all the best, and compliment how amazing he is. Because really. Ben is just incredible and everyone knows it. Love you, Ben!!! Even Chris Harrison tells him that he's made it onto the Mount Rushmore of Bachelors. Now THAT is the biggest honor in life! I would love to know who else is on that mountain...? Sean Lowe of course. But who else...? Please create that for us, Chris!

All we really care about it scenes from next week, and we are beyond excited for the amazing finale! Who will he choose- Lauren or JoJo??  It will be, as Chris Harrison is promising- the MOST dramatic season finale in Bachelor history. I can't wait to see the results!!! Somehow we made it through this horrendous Women Tell All, and all I know is that next week cannot come soon enough. Until then...