Monday, August 1, 2016

The Bachelorette Finale: The Most Dramatic One Yet?

Tonight is THE event we have all been waiting for! The most dramatic season finale EVER is upon us. This of course is another 3-hour production, so let me run through the highlights...

The guys are meeting JoJo's family, and who could forget those brothers, and that mom.... She looks just as much of a hot mess now as she did last season. Get that mama some wine! The family is very protective of course, and mama is very worried that Jordan is TOO awesome and fun, so it won't work out. Prediction: they family will prefer Robby, but JoJo will prefer Jordan, and she will do what she wants. We'll see if I'm right!

So apparently, Jordan is not really "marriage material," and didn't ask JoJo's dad for permission to propose. (WHAT?!?) On the other hand, Robby is totally marriage material and asked both the parents about proposing. So... The family clearly wants it to be Robby and JoJo clearly wants it to be Jordan, shock. JoJo is completely torn now, and has no idea what her heart wants. This never happens on this show, what a surprise!

JoJo also has a final date with both Robby and Jordan, and she needs to decide which one she loves more. I just feel like there is some problem with both of them. Robby seems great and says all the right things about their future together and how much he loves her, but we can't help but think about the ex girlfriend he left to be on the show (allegedly). Something about him just seems a bit insincere... Meanwhile Jordan also seems perfect, but is he TOO perfect, and how is it going to be fitting into his semi-famous life...? (Side note: This is why she should have just chosen Chase...........)

So. Robby is 100% clear about how he wants to propose to JoJo, and Jordan seems to be fumbling around his words about why he didn't ask for permission. So, things are not looking good for Jordan here... If he never talks to her parents about it, and she can't be sure there is a proposal coming, she probably won't want to pick him.... So. Good news for Robby right now I guess. JoJo just cannot get over the fact that Jordan didn't ask her dad's permission. And I'm like.. is her family not still in town...? Can he not just go over to their place and ask them tomorrow? Or like, call him at least? I feel like this is not a situation that can't be fixed. Also, JoJo is being SUPER pushy in making the guys straight up tell her, I AM going to propose in 2 days. So much for a surprise ending. Is forcing them to propose to you on a TV show's timeline really the best thing for your relationship? I just don't know...

Okay I guess all my predictions are coming true tonight because Jordan goes ahead and calls the parents to ask about proposing to JoJo. And they excitedly say yes of course. Hopefully the parents will let JoJo know what happened before she totally blows him off because of this drama! In other news, both guys do pick out rings, and I definitely like Jordan's ring over Robby's ring. Yeah, I am still pro-Jordan........ But it does look like both guys are intending on proposing, and JoJo is still a bit torn as she reads heartfelt letters from both of them just hours before the final rose ceremony. She clearly wants it to be Jordan but feels bad eliminating a great guy like Robby. We get it. He'll be fine. Maybe his ex girlfriend will give him a second chance now that he's famous...

So much this.

JoJo heads to the final rose ceremony and- surprise, surprise- Robby is the first guy to arrive. And he is SO effing confident. YIKES. This will be painful. JoJo, like a JERK, lets Robby talk first and doesn't stop him until like 5 minutes into his profession of love. And he is just going on and on as I am screaming NO GOD NO PLEASE STOP at the television. FINALLY JoJo stops him before he gets down on one knee and explains that she does love him, but there is somehow something missing. She wanted it to be him so badly, but it's just not. Robby is actually super classy and just says that he wants her to be happy. And we have to wonder- is he emotionless because he is shocked, or because this whole thing was a scam from the beginning so he's actually not that torn up about it. Meanwhile, JoJo is torn UP, and let's just hope she has a makeup artist on standby to fix her up before the actual proposal... because, yikes. Robby is finally able to muster up some tears in the car ride home, but he still just seems somehow.. insincere in his sadness. Very curious...

So at the end of the day, Jordan proposes and JoJo accepts, and they both go on and on about how much they love each other. And I am very much reminded of Andi and Josh... it feels oddly similar. So. I'll give this one about a 40% chance of making it... And all I can think about is, does Aaron even KNOW that his brother is ENGAGED?? Or did he find out with the rest of America??? I need to know all about this drama!

Per usual, we have another hour of BS to get through, and hopefully we will actually get some new information. We first have to hear Robby spew a bunch of bullshit, and I honestly still don't believe him fully. It sounds like he is very strategically answering questions to make himself sound good. I don't know, maybe I'm being overly suspicious. In other news, we hear about how JoJo and Jordan are getting a lot of hate in the media, and that people are making JoJo feel really bad about her love for him, and it's kind of sad. I mean, I agree it probably won't work out, but let them enjoy at least a little bit of happiness. Luckily their love is so strong that they've gotten through it... In further news, we get absolutely no new information about the Rodgers family drama, and even though Chris Harrison really tries to pry and get some details, Jordan pretty skillfully deflects all questioning. I guess I'll just have to rely on the internet for all the updates on that.

At the end of the day, we don't yet know who the next Bachelor will be (likely Luke, but I am hoping for Chase!!). But we DO know that an AMAZING season of Bachelor in Paradise begins tomorrow- the most wonderful time of the year. I cannot WAIT to see what insanity ensues, and I recommend it to EVERYONE. You'll thank me, I promise. 

Monday, July 25, 2016

The Bachelorette Week 7 & 8: Love = Get the Eff Out

Don't worry, loyal fans, after a week hiatus, I am back! Last week was Hometowns, and to be honest, there wasn't much to say. We did get to see a lot more about the Rodgers family drama, and it definitely seems like this Jordan v. Aaron stuff is real. But I don't know, I am still a Jordan fan all the way!!! The episode left us with an always unwanted To Be Continued, so we don't even yet know who the final 3 will be... Will she send Luke home like she told us she planned to, or will his last ditch effort at her affection save himself and doom a fellow contestant??? I guess we will finally find out tonight...

JoJo manages to pull herself together and stop sobbing long enough to hand out the roses, and they go to... Jordan first, of course, Robby second (and I am actually a little surprised about that one), and finally... Chase! And it looks like she didn't change her mind about Luke after all, crazy! JoJo is of course all sorts of torn up about this, but I am pretty satisfied. I'm telling you, there was just something about him that was odd, or dumb, or something off. Your rugged looks can only get you so far, my friend. Adios! Luke either looks totally thrown off, or he is just staring into space because he can't understand what is happening. Luke: You. Are. Being. Sent. Home. Can your mind comprehend this? JoJo keeps crying her eyes out, and Luke continues to stare blankly at her, and I can't watch this much longer. Go back and see the guys who can actually hold intelligent conversations!

So finally that emotional breakdown is over, and JoJo heads to Thailand with the final 3 guys. And you know what this means... Fantasy Suite dates.. oh sorry I mean, "exotic overnight dates"...!! Finally, the chance to weed out the ones that just can't hack it. I can't wait. The first date of the week goes to Robby, and he is confident in their relationship for sure. They have a nice date, even amidst thunderstorms, and I am even feeling a bit better about him. I won't lie, last week I was skeptical of Robby with all the ex-girlfriend drama, but I think he might actually be genuine after all. He continuously tells her that he loves her, and JoJo is full on smitten. And she is definitely excited about their night in the Fantasy Suite... Ohh yeah. JoJo trusts Robby 100% and admits to us that she loves him and can't wait to be intimate with him. Some part of me just worries that something will go wrong!! JoJo knows that she loves him, but is not going to tell anyone until it is down to the final guy. Yeah, BEN. Don't want to go breaking people's hearts by telling multiple people you love them! But yeah. It's looking pretty serious with him.
Even though JoJo loves Robby, she has another date with Jordan, who has been a frontrunner from day one, so anything is possible! They have a lovely date together, and some great chats, but JoJo is still wondering- is he too good to be true??? But I mean, a lot of past Bachelors have thought that (ahem, Ben and Lauren B.), and it has worked out great. So don't fear, JoJo! But apparently Ben totally screwed JoJo up, because he made her all these promises, so now she can't trust when Jordan says he wants to spend his life with her. Hmm... It seems like all JoJo does with Jordan is question him and his motives and intentions, and she just seems sooo skeptical. Why doesn't she trust and believe him??? Just accept that he is amazing and loves you and be happy about it. After all this, JoJo realizes that she does love Jordan too, and I guess this could become a problem! Two guys she loves so far, and two nights in fantasy suites... what will happen now???

In case we all forgot, JoJo does have one more guy here- Chase. I actually really like Chase. I think he is the best overall package- attractive, successful, down to earth. Everything. But the likelihood that she is in love with all 3 of them?! Doubtful. Most of us aren't expecting much from this date, but it turns out that JoJo is having an incredible time and doesn't want the date to end... So what does this mean?! Chase is ready to tell JoJo he loves her, and she seems to feel similarly.

So as JoJo is getting ready for the dinner portion of her date with Chase, she gets a knock on her door, and what the crap, Robby shows up at her hotel room. He just wanted to say hi and remind her about how much he loves her and wants a life with her. In the middle of her date with Chase! JoJo thinks it is super sweet and romantic, but it's also pretty rude!!! Just let her figure things out for herself and enjoy her date with Chase. Luckily, she does continue her date with Chase and they also head to the Fantasy Suite together... Chase finally tells her that he is totally in love with her, and JoJo realizes that she isn't actually in love with him like she is with the other guys. GAH. Not surprised but bummed. He would be such an amazing husband and doesn't use the L word lightly! I can't say this is a shock, but it will be sad to see a great guy like Chase be hurt like this. Ohhh JoJo. So she has to take a moment, and returns to tell Chase that she just isn't feeling the same way he does. And rightfully, he is pissed! He NEVER tells people that he loves them, and now he does, and he gets shot down! He doesn't even get any fun in the fantasy suite tonight! Because apparently Love = "get the f*ck out". Chase totally takes it like a man as she sobs and tries to chase him down, but he's like, stop giving me this bullshit after I just put myself out there. Pass. (Chase for next Bachelor! I'd watch that.) Chase peaces out, cracks open a cold beverage, and heads into the van, and we wonder if Chase will EVER tell another girl he loves her. I'd put my money on no.
JoJo is still holding a rose ceremony, even with only two guys left, because as we know, it is a two-way street. Should be simple enough, right? But just as JoJo starts telling Jordan and Robby about sending Chase home... Chase shows up to the ceremony to have a little chat! Whatttt? Did you not realize that you were sent home?? It turns out that Chase isn't here to ask to come back (just suspicious timing...), but he just wants to show how freaking classy he is, and tell her he understands and isn't mad. His heart is still open, but he is proud of her for doing what she feels is best. But really, Chase, could you BE a better guy??!?! You'll find someone even better than her who WILL love you back, we just know it!!! So anyway, at the end of the day, she gives roses to both Jordan and Robby, and we'll have to wait and see what happens between these two!

Tomorrow night is Men Tell All (aka Chad is back with a vengeance), and the finale is already next week! And I am sure it will be the most dramatic finale EVER. Until then...

Monday, July 11, 2016

The Bachelorette Week 6: Awkward Dates on Awkward Dates

After a week hiatus, the Bachelorette is finally back! This week we are down to 6 guys, and JoJo will be narrowing it down to the top 4 for Hometowns!!! We get 3 one-on-one dates plus a group date this week, which sounds like plenty of time for some good old fashioned backstabbing! Let the games begin.

The first one-on-one this week goes to Alex, finally. He hasn't had one yet, so it's about time, but I am starting to like him less and less. He just always seems to care more about other relationships than his own. Plus, why is he sooo shorttttt? The date involves them just driving (being driven) to the countryside of Argentina, and it is literally the most boring date in the history of this show. They eat some car snacks, then Alex composes some really stellar raps, and there is a lot of sitting in silence. But is it even his fault that the producers are giving him such a shitty date?!? They finally arrive at their destination where they will be acting as gauchos, which hopefully will actually be entertaining. They ride some horses together, but it is pretty clear that they do not have the connection or chemistry necessary to continue this relationship... She tries to be nice, but we know the truth. They also end up cuddling with a horse, and it is the weirdest, most uncomfortable thing I have ever seen. Like, they are lying with the horse like you would with your dog. And I am pretty sure JoJo has more chemistry with the horse than she does with Alex... So weird.
Later, Alex shares with JoJo that he is falling in love with her, but JoJo doesn't seem too excited about that. She knows that deep down she is not able to reciprocate those feelings, and she knows that her heart isn't in that place. JoJo decides to just go ahead and send him home now, and Alex is kind of shell-shocked. He thought it was going so well, but it was pretty obvious to all of us. Don't feel bad JoJo.. sometimes it just doesn't work out! But poor little Alex. I used to like you, but I'm not sad to see you go. See you in paradise???

The next solo date is going to Jordan (for his second one-on-one!), and we are excited. The other guys of course are pissed. Time to start coming up with more shit to talk about him! But Jordan is ready to take on the haters. So for this date, they are taking a private plane to go wine tasting by the Andes Mountains. So. A little better than Alex's crappy ass date. They do some grape stomping and then hang out in a romantic hot tub, and this date is clearly all about the chemistry. Meanwhile, the other guys are all sure that this is all fake, and JoJo just likes him for the Super Bowl tickets... Okay. Later, Jordan gets real with JoJo about his family, and we find out that if she goes on his hometown date, Aaron will NOT be there. WTF?!? That's the only reason we are watching!!! So, apparently Aaron and Jordan are not close, and they don't talk, and Aaron doesn't even know he is doing this show. Okay. Sure. He goes into detail about living in his brother's shadow, and how they have chosen different paths, and it's so hard to tell if this is all real or B.S. No way he doesn't even talk to Aaron. He used to hang out with the Packers O-Line all the time. So. Good conversation but total bummer for us Aaron fans! At the end of the date, Jordan tells JoJo he loves her, and she is SO happy to hear that. Just win already, k thanks.
So unfortunate.
The next date is a group date with Robby, Chase, and James, and since it is raining, they are just hanging out in her hotel suite, slumber-party style. A super awkward slumber-party where it's a love quadrangle with 3 dudes competing for one girl. JoJo orders a bunch of greasy foods and prepares a bunch of games, and I'm like, is this real? Is this really the whole date? They do an all-male massage chain, play Pictionary, and do a little truth or dare. And Robby somehow ends up running in his boxers through the halls of the hotel. Are they sober??? Because they can't possibly be at this point. What is this date?!? Later, all 4 of them lie on the bed watching Argentinian Bachelor, and the level of close cuddling between all of them is weird. So uncomfortable. Plus, James Taylor decides to get at the other frontrunner, Robby, and starts making up stories about him having a wandering eye... and he won't let it go. James, stop talking crap about other guys and worry about yourself! Clearly a desperate measure and not going to work. I mean, look at Robby, and look at you. (Sorry!)

Later, JoJo spends some alone time with the guys, and gets deep with Robby. JoJo needs to know about this ex-gf situation, and Robby insists that he loves JoJo and that he has totally moved on from the awful ex. We can tell that her relationship with Robby is pretty strong, and will continue to be, I'm sure. When talking to Chase, JoJo finds out that he wants to spend his whole life with her, and she gets excited to hear it. I think Chase is one of those contestants who is overlooked for most of the season, but comes out of the blue at the end to win it... I can see it happening! Finally she spends some time with James Taylor, who I am over. He used to be all sweet and adorable, but now he just seems like a dork who is secretly conniving and mean spirited. Pass. The group date rose goes to Robby- no surprise- and he is definitely going on to Hometowns. Robby gets a little more time to hang out/make out in JoJo's hotel room, and the other two go back to their rooms to cry. They realize that either James or Chase is going home, duh, and we hope it's James. We'll see!

Still one more date to go tonight, and it is Luke's. Everyone seems to love Luke, and we can't deny his connection with JoJo, but I just am not that into him as a person. He just seems kind of dumb, or slow, or something is off. JoJo plans the perfect date for Luke and takes him to ride horses. Which is apparently how he has spent every day of his life on his ranch in Texas. Luke gets to show off his sexy manly cowboy skills, and we are definitely impressed. But. Is this what every day of real life with him would be like? Because, pass. It would be great for a wild fairytale fling, but marriage?? Eh. JoJo has a great time but cuts the date short because apparently the rose ceremony has to be tonight, with no cocktail party. And James and Chase are nervous!!!

JoJo arrives at the rose ceremony with 3 roses to hand out, and tensions are high. Luke and Jordan get the first two, or course, and the pressure is on for that final rose!!! The rose goes to Chase, and I am not surprised, and rather happy. I'm telling you, Chase is going to do a come-out-of-nowhere move at the end! Poor James is upset, but maybe he should have spent more time on his bod and less time concocting B.S. stories about the other guys. They have a tearful goodbye, but we know she is better off. Just keep writing love songs and it will happen for you, James! Next week is Hometowns, which means even more Aaron Rodgers drama, and the Robby's ex-gf storyline gets out of control! Can't wait to see all the drama unfold! Until then!

Monday, June 27, 2016

The Bachelorette Week 5: Gotta Get That Kiss

As you may remember (how could we forget?), the ultimate bad boy Chad is gone, but that doesn't mean the drama is gone! JoJo and her 8 guys are in Buenos Aires this week, and it is just the perfect place to fall in love. This week we will get a one-on-one, a group date, AND another two-on-one!! For the first time ever.. what is JoJo doing?! Why would she want yet another horrible awkward situation? Who knows.

The first one-on-one date is going to Wells, who is adorable, but admits that he is the only one who hasn't even KISSED JoJo yet. And the other guys do everything possible to make him feel bad about it. So. Basically this whole date is one giant build up to kissing her, and the most uncomfortable situation EVER. All anyone can think about is when the kiss is going to happen, and how it better be amazing, or he is gone... I mean, is there actually any chemistry between them? We'll see. The date involves doing weird Argentine performance art, and the best Wells can do at this point is an awkward kiss on the cheek. So. FINALLY, they end up in this crazy sexy suspended pool all sliding around and grabbing at each other, and it's finally the right time for Wells. And it happens! And JoJo announces her excitement to the world. So awkward. Is this chemistry, or just some weird date you later try to forget? So later, JoJo tries to get to know Wells a bit more, but it feels like their lack of chemistry is enough to make JoJo want to shut the door on this one. He clearly has some issues with physical relationships and chemistry, and JoJo is NOT trying to pursue that. I get you girl. He's cute and sweet, but we need that passion!!! It's just not there, so Wells gets sent home, and we are not surprised. Don't feel bad, I'm sure he'll be fine one day. JoJo leaves the date and heads to some sort of outdoor rave(?) all alone, and it really has just been the weirdest day. Moving on.
The next date will be a group date with 5 of the guys, all of whom I like, but especially of course Robby and Jordan. They spend the day walking around town, and end up playing a soccer game against some locals. Poor James Taylor starts getting really self deprecating as he realizes that he is definitely not as hot or athletic as the others. I mean, yeah. Jordan.. Luke.. Alex.. Robby.. Yeah. I won't lie, hard to compete with that. But somehow James is the only one to score a PK, and wins a kiss with JoJo, so his confidence is rebuilt. Phew.

Later that night, JoJo gets some alone time with all the guys on the date. First, she clearly has a strong connection with Luke, but I am still not feeling it. He just seems dumb to me. Or just not very articulate. Or just odd in some way. I know they have a lot of passion, but sometimes you do need more than that... Next, James Taylor decides that he's not doing so well in this competition, so maybe it's time to start throwing the frontrunners under the bus! Come on now, James, we don't need to go after Jordan just because he is better at life than you. So. Basically James is jealous because Jordan is more famous than him, and needs to hurt JoJo's relationship with Jordan to make himself feel better. James... this makes me like you a lot less. Dick move. JoJo now needs to figure out if there really is a side of Jordan she doesn't know... I mean, do you know he's semi-famous? Because that's all you need to know. JoJo basically accuses him of being "entitled," but I honestly believe him that it is being blown out of proportion. Don't you know the Rodgers family?? They are just awesome. After wasting his alone time with JoJo, Jordan confronts James, who he thought was one of his closest friends, and Jordan is NOT happy. But really. Why do you have to talk about other people during your own time? So lame. At the end of the date, Luke gets the group date rose, and we are not shocked at all. But there is still a lotttt of tension here!
So the final date of the week is a two-on-one, weirdly enough between Derek and Chase. And I like them both, so I'm kind of torn. Derek feels super confident, and Chase feels super pissed, and I am honestly not sure which way this is going to go. So the date today involves the tango- because as we know, it only takes TWO to tango... JoJo will be dancing with both men, and feeling passion with them both, and it is getting pretty awkward. Just like in real life. Because, get it?? The tango is like a metaphor for what they are actually going through on this two-on-one!!! What do you know??? So later, JoJo gets some time to decide which of them she will be keeping, and I'm actually getting kind of annoyed by Derek and his sudden burst of cockiness. How many times now has he said how confident he is that he will get the rose? Enough. He tells JoJo that he is falling for her, which she appreciates, but I just feel like he is acting like a bit of a douchebag. Liking him less and less... Meanwhile, Chase is still all sorts of nervous, and it shows. Chase is not giving JoJo the words of affirmation that she needs... he just needs to grow a pair and put it all on the line! And soon, because Derek is becoming more and more of an asshole by the moment. Chase finally opens up and tells JoJo what she needs to hear, but he still seems so nervous! At the end of the day, JoJo throws a curveball and gives the rose to Chase, NOT Derek. I'm pretty happy about it, and I feel like she does like Chase more than Derek. And let's be honest. Derek was acting like an ass. So. Bye.

Finally we get to the cocktail party, and apparently JoJo has to send home one more guy. I don't get why either... can't we just keep the six, and then narrow to four next week? This seems unnecessary. JoJo spends some time with Jordan, who finally opens up emotionally and tells her how much he is falling for her, and I still love it! JoJo finally talks to Alex some this week, and we realize that he hasn't even spent that much time with her after all. We just feel like we know him so well because of all the Chad drama. So I am on the fence about Alex for sure. Gotta be between Alex and James this week... we'll find out soon! JoJo gives her first rose of the night to Robby, and we are not surprised. The second rose goes to Jordan, and again, not surprised. So as expected we are down to Alex and James, and JoJo decides she needs to up and leave! She just walks off, rose in hand. Hmm... In a nerve wrecking turn of events, JoJo makes it look like she will not be giving out ANY final rose, but instead... Chris Harrison walks in with a platter with TWO roses, so they can both get one. I mean, this was obviously the smartest idea.. she already sent two guys home this week, and that should be enough at this point in the season. James feels grateful for his rose, but Alex feels PISSED about his "pity rose" and complains that he just needs more one-on-one time, or else he's out. Won't be surprised if we see that happen next week...

So to recap, if you missed tonight's episode, you missed nothing of real significance- just two people who we don't really love getting sent home. Stay tuned next week though, as we find out... are we going to Jordan's hometown, and WILL AARON BE THERE??? Can't wait to see what happens! Until then...

Monday, June 20, 2016

The Bachelorette Week 4: Done With the Chads

The Bachelorette is finally back! We have sadly been in a 2-week depression without JoJo and her suitors, and it is time to get back to the entertainment! In case anyone forgot, we left Chad being eliminated from a 2-on-1 date and the guys all celebrating, but WAIT- Chad isn't gone quite yet! Just as the guys back at the house are spreading Chad's protein ashes with a little "death to tyrants" speech... guess who comes knocking on the door...??? Chad enters the house and everyone pretty much just stands there awkwardly as Chad tells them about his date. ...Didn't you get sent home...? Chad decides that he is now in a position that he has no choice other than to get physical with the guys. Jordan tries to talk things out with Chad, who of course can't handle a mature conversation, and oddly enough, he eventually just leaves. Not exactly the big blowout fight that we hoped for, but fairly entertaining at least. In other news, when Alex returns home from his date, the guys set off sparklers, chant "dragon slayer," and smash a cake into Alex's face in adoration. Okay guys, I know we hated Chad, but it's not like Alex saved the universe from an alien invasion or something.

So by the way, we still haven't had a rose ceremony from 2-weeks ago, so I guess we should probably take care of that now... The guys are all confident that there will now be NO DRAMA, since the only douchebag of the season is gone. But we know that can't be all for this season... The guys all start to realize that they have lost their common enemy, and now they will be turning on each other- stealing time from each other, even when they have roses! How dare they! Finally we get to the rose ceremony, and JoJo will be sending home 2 more guys. When, let's be honest, she really should be sending home at least 4 or 5. Like, why is Vinny still here? And Evan? Are they really still in the running here...? No. JoJo sends home James F. and Daniel, and I could not care less about it. We didn't even know them.. except that Daniel has a great body and apparently has a good chance of being struck by lightning while shaving his face... (???) Thanks for the parting words, Daniel! See you never.

So, JoJo will be taking the final 11 men on a romantic trip to Uruguay, where apparently some shit is going to hit the fan! You thought Chad caused drama?? Just wait. This week starts with a one-on-one date with... Jordan! Andddd everyone is pretty much pissed. They already know Jordan is a frontrunner, and now he gets a one-on-one before most of the other guys. Remember that time when all the guys were BFF with Jordan when they all hated Chad? Well all of the sudden, Jordan gets a target on his back and all the other guys start to accuse him of being there for the wrong reasons- I mean, a FOOTBALL PLAYER... UGH. Jordan and JoJo of course are having an amazing time, and I am all for it. He even tells her that he is falling in love. So. I'm digging it. But then.. dun dun dunnnn... JoJo shares that she "ran into" one of Jordan's ex-girlfriend, and that it was not good. Rumors of being a bad boyfriend...! So. Explain yourself Jordan! He insists that it was all about his commitment to sports, but there was no cheating involved. Hey, he was young and in college! I feel like he's moved on since then.. because haven't we all? JoJo decides that she trusts him, and we can tell how much she is digging him. How can you not?!? He gets the rose, and we are loving it.
I trust you, Jordan!
Meanwhile back at the house... MORE drama. The guys get their hands on an Us Weekly or In Touch or some trash mag, featuring a story about JoJo's secret love affair with her ex boyfriend (oddly enough, also named Chad...). Could this be true?!? Are the guys wasting their time on a girl who is just doing this for the fame?!? Or is this just a tabloid that exploits fake stories for profit?? Someone better get to the bottom of this one... But before the guys can say anything, the producers hand her a copy of the article and ask her to address it. And JoJo is PISSED. Her ex-boyfriend is apparently a horrible fucking monster, and JoJo is completely losing her shit over this clearly fake story. JoJo, being the strong chick she is, heads to see the guys to explain that this is all fabricated by a guy who hurt her, and it is clear that she is honestly torn up. Don't worry JoJo, I'm sure you'll find a better guy right here in this room!

Is the "ex" Chad back...?!?
JoJo is ready to move on from this at her group date, and 9 guys are heading to meet her at some sand dunes for some sand boarding. Which looks fun. But enough of that- time to get on to all of the guys telling JoJo how little they care about the article, and how much they are about her. We get it. You all trust her. Can we talk about something else now? At the end of the date, Derek gets the group date rose, which I am happy about because I like him, but apparently Alex is not feeling it with Derek. Apparently Derek is acting insecure and asking for reassurance in order to get sympathy points or something like that. Is Derek the new villain then?? I thought it was Jordan. Make up your mind here, guys... I'm sure this drama is just starting.

For our final date of the week, we have a one-on-one with Robby, which I am excited for. I've liked Robby a lot from night one, but if I recall correctly, there may be some drama with him later on, so I don't want to get too attached! They head out to a cliff, where they are ready to "jump into love" and "stand on the edge" of a relationship, and every other cliff related metaphor you can imagine. Good thing Robby is a competitive swimmer, or else JoJo never would have jumped into that water! Apparently Robby is already going to tell JoJo that he loves her, but isn't it a little too early...? There are still 11 guys there! 11! So, Robby goes ahead and jumps the gun, but apparently JoJo is happy about it, and he gets the rose. I really do like Robby, but I am still so wary of it! We will see...

It looks like we may actually get to a rose ceremony tonight, which means the perfect chance for Derek to confront the group of guys that he thinks is ganging up on him. Sorry you are so insecure, Derek! Some of us would rather spend our time with JoJo!!! This is some high school girl drama right here- your little group is excluding us and we want to be in with the cool crowd! Wow. Just when we are expecting JoJo to show up, Chris Harrison comes in to drop the bomb that JoJo has already made up her mind, and 3 of them will be going home. NO cocktail party. But how I am going to convince her to let me stay?!? JoJo arrives and ensures the guys that she knows her decision, and I agree. It's pretty obvious at this point who should stay or go... So, no, I won't be surprised or sad at the result. All the usual suspects get roses, and she of course sends home Evan, Vinny, and Grant. Wow, you mean all the guys we don't give a crap about?? Shock. (Don't give me those tears, Vinny, you know you never stood a chance.) Luckily this means we are now down to 8, and I could not be happier. In other news, the previews show that the next few weeks are going to get INSANE, and I know I cannot wait. Until then!

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The Bachelorette Week 3 Part II: The Showdown

Well friends, apparently ABC just loves this Chad drama so much, we require two whole episodes to cover it all. Welcome to Part II of the Chad saga: The Douche is About to Explode. We start out with a really heartfelt apology from Chad to the guys, and we reallyyyyy take it seriously. He promises not to be violent, as long as nobody tries to push or fight him. So, there's that. Meanwhile.. it's pool party time!!!

So, JoJo rolls up, and the guys all become best friend/frat stars and have the time of their lives playing in the pool with JoJo. Oh, and of course they do a bit of checking her out too... In other news, the scene of Evan bleeding that we kept seeing in the previews? Yeah, turns out he just hurts himself while diving into the pool. So. Not Chad's fault. Geez ABC, you got us all excited for nothing! Such a let down.

Later, JoJo gets some alone time with Jordan, and we see them get pretty intimate and deep in their connection. And we love it! Jordan has to ensure JoJo that he is completely into her, and we know she is really into him too. Keep him forever! A bunch of the other guys get some good alone time too, and some make out sessions, and unfortunately a lot of anti-Chad talk. Focus on yourselves and not the other guys!!! Haven't you seen this show before- this almost never works out!!! The pool party ends, but Chad is NOT happy about Derek particularly talking bad about him to JoJo. Another confrontation, and Chad just doesn't know what he has done wrong! So. It's game time now.

So it's finally time for the rose ceremony we never got to last night, and JoJo thinks she knows what she is doing. And I bet you a million dollars she keeps Chad another week! She sees his softer side! She needs to get to the bottom of this herself! JoJo continues to keep around a bunch a lame-os, as well as- SHOCK- Chad. Wow, I am so surprised. Oh wait, I watch every season of this show, so I'm not. She sends home Christian, Nick, and Ali, and I am not at all sad about any of those. Oh I mean, WHAT?!? She keeps that jerk Chad and sends home these nice guys?!? I am OUTRAGED. Yeah.

So now I guess tonight's episode actually starts, and the guys are all packing their bags to head to a mystery location. Which turns out to be some backwoods part of Pennsylvania. This is just THE perfect place to fall in love. So the first date of the week is a one-on-one with Luke. Not surprised. JoJo has been really into him from the beginning. Not MY favorite (too Texan for my taste), but I'm sure she will have a great time. For this date, apparently JoJo has taken some notes from Ben's season, because they will be hanging out in a hot tub in the middle of nowhere. Why is this a thing now? In other news, am I the only one who thinks that Luke is kind of boring? Maybe it's just because he talks really slowly? Or he doesn't seem that intelligent? I don't know. So Luke shares his back story about his experiences in Afghanistan and the friends he has lost in war, and things get deep really fast. I appreciate him sharing, but I worry that he is not quite yet ready for a relationship. He's just not really doing it for me. Also, I don't find him as hot as JoJo does. She eats his stories right up, and likes him even more than ever. I'm calling top 3 for this one, but winner? Hope not. To top off the night, they walk into a concert of some random band, and basically dance/make out on stage in front of thousands of people taking pictures. Yeah, it's weird.
No, not awkward at all...
Back at the house, Chad lounges outside shirtless in the cool Pennsylvania weather (but really, I'm pretty sure it's like winter time), and reminds us that poking the Chad-bear is not a good idea, and if he punches someone's head, it will explode. Good to know. In other news, the next group date cards reveals that there will likely be a 2-on-1 date later on with Alex and Chad. Good versus Evil. And who is surprised by this one??? Not me. But it should be interesting entertainment.

So for the big group date, the guys are heading to Heinz Field to play football with Ben Roethlisberger. Who apparently is all besties with JoJo. It's getting clear that she just loves douchebags! Am I the only one who feels kind of uncomfortable about Jordan being there? Like, does this make him feel bad about himself that he's not the superstar these pro players are? Or is it weird that his brother plays against these guys? Maybe it's just me. So I guess to make the competition fair for game time, they put Jordan on both teams as the all-time quarterback. I mean, I would hope he would be the best player out there.... Plus apparently that means he can't lose, which I'm sure JoJo is fine with. So at the end of the day, the underdogs win (I mean really, Evan and James Taylor beating Chase and Grant??), and the Blue Team guys will get more time with JoJo. After a couple of make out sessions with the guys later in the night, JoJo gives the group date rose to Jordan, and I fall more in love. Ohhh Jordan. Swoon.
Finally, we are down to the final date- the 2-on-1... But before the date begins, Chad needs to throw out a couple more threats, including one to Jordan- that after the show, he will find Jordan, come to his house, and go after him. So, that's cool. Alex and Chad head out to their date, via helicopter- why does the 2-on-1 date always involve them arriving on a helicopter? Today's date involves hiking in the middle of nowhere, which is awesome when you're with two guys who hate each other. Trying to break some awkwardness, JoJo pulls Alex aside for a little chat, and it worries me that Alex pretty much only talks about Chad. This could backfire! Be careful! Luckily, JoJo is a freaking badass, and after confronting Chad about what Alex told her, just walks away like a boss. Chad basically admits that he does threaten people, because he has no other way of dealing with it, and we are like, really?? Be an adult. Unfortunately, JoJo is still torn, because maybe Chad only acts this way out of grief over his mother's death...! Okay, maybe, but does that mean you want to date and/or MARRY this guy?? No. Feel bad for 2 minutes, then move on. He'll do well on Bachelor in Paradise anyway. Meanwhile, Chad now knows that Alex talked crap about him, and he is ready to collect some teeth! This will end well. Lucky for America, JoJo has some major sense about her and decides that a violent threatening person is not someone she wants to be with, and sends Chad home. Alex gets a rose, yay, and Chad is apparently left alone in the woods to fend for himself.

In other news, as soon as the guys in the house see Chad's luggage get picked up, they start popping confetti and downing shots and bottles of champagne. And just when everyone thinks he is gone for good... wait for it... here comes creeper Chad trekking through the woods to knock on the door at the guys' house. Apparently looking for a fight. And of course, just when we think it's all about to go down... To Be Continued!!!!!! You are killing me, ABC! So, we have to wait TWO WEEKS to see this ultimate fight go down (if it actually does), and there are apparently a lot of complete emotional breakdowns coming. I know I cannot wait to see how this all unfolds... Until then!

Monday, June 6, 2016

The Bachelorette Week 3: Less Hitler, More Mussolini

Well, well, well, it seems like the end is already near for Chad. It looks like the peak fighting is already about to blow up on week 3! As we start this episode, Chad continues to pound down some meat and protein, and the other guys all start to plan his demise... Meanwhile, we will have 3 dates this week, including 2 one-on-ones. Let's see how this goes!

The first date goes to Chase, and I am excited, because I have actually liked him a lot since night one. This date involves a trip to a hot yoga studio, where they are instructed to do some weird anger-gasms, and I don't get why the Bachelor insists on doing these "intimate" sessions for first dates. Can't we just do something normal?? The only plus is that they get to see each other in very little clothing, pretty early on in their relationship, so, no surprises at least... So, partway through their intimate yoga session, they start to make out, and I'm like, is this awkward for anyone else out there...? No? Just me? Hm. Later at dinner, they have actual conversations, and I am really feeling it. Apparently so does JoJo, so Chase gets the rose, and we have another front runner.......!

Meanwhile back at the house, the group date card arrives with a bunch of names, including Chad, on it. Chad doesn't even WANT to go on that date, because who wants to go on a group date??? I just want a one-on-one, okay??? A group date is a waste!! So, all of the sudden, the guys, led by Jordan and Alex, start talking major crap toward Chad, and Chad cannot handle it. I of course LOVE both Jordan and Alex, so I am all about them staring Chad down and totally calling him out on his ridiculousness. I just hope that my favorites don't get carried away with this feud- they need to stay focused on JoJo or it will not end well!
So for the group date, the guys will be performing at a Sex Talk show, where they will need to share a sex story of their own for an audience. This couldn't go badly, right? You know who looks thrilled about it though??? Chad. I bet he is dying to share personal intimate stories with a bunch of strangers. Oh wait. No. JoJo hasn't earned the right to hear about his past yet. It's none of her business! In related news, apparently Evan is going to turn his story into one big bashing of Chad. So. Let the games begin... So, these stories are actually pretty hilarious and great, until Evan starts his "cautionary tale" about how "someone in the house" uses steroids and might have problems with his manhood. No surprise, Chad is PISSED and gets aggressive towards Evan already. Then, for the grand finale, Chad takes the stage, where he brings JoJo on stage to talk not about his past but about his future, and goes in for a kiss, which she rejects! So awkward. At the end of the show, Chad punches a door and threatens to kill Evan, and it sounds like things are going to get pretty bad... We will see!

Later at the cocktail party, we get to see Jordan sweet talk the crap out of JoJo and I LOVE it. And hey, he admits that he wasn't the best boyfriend back in college, so that ex-gf who keeps talking out better step off! Jordan all the way!!! We get to see Chad making things awkward again, but he's just trying to get more time with JoJo and he isn't a bad guy at all! Evan confronts Chad yet again, but Chad thinks Evan is just being a bully. And hey, according to Chad, Evan "f*cked up already by having 3 kids." Well then. Chad uses his alone time with JoJo to tell her that he didn't even want to go on this group date, but then he is able to smooth his way back into her good graces, of course. At the end of the night, Evan gives JoJo essentially an ultimatum, that he hates Chad so much that if Chad stays, he will go. Hmm.. who will she pick? The hot bad boy who has a deeper soft side, or the nerdy little erectile dysfunction specialist??? Hmmm... So in an odd twist of events, I guess JoJo has a thing for weird loser guys, because Evan gets the group date rose, which might just mean that Chad is going home...? We'll see. Just when we thought it couldn't get any better, Chad straight up interrupts JoJo explaining her choice of Evan, by asking if this was serious right now. Is she actually picking Evan?? Is she seriously into him?!?! I mean, we are all thinking it, but you can't SAY THAT! This is getting amazing. So. Awkward.

So, back in reality, JoJo is going on a date with sweet, precious James Taylor. He is just so adorable and I am sure their date will be fun. They are going swing dancing, and it is super cute. But secretly, I actually love swing dancing, and I love James, so this will be a win no matter what. Later, James opens up to JoJo about his insecurities, and we are like, James! You are adorable and you SING! Don't you realize how much girls love that??? Because they do. James gets the rose, and then sings JoJo a song he wrote for her, and women across America die.
Back at the house, as Chad sits there eating his whole uncooked sweet potato (????), his only friend in the house, Daniel, advises him to take it down a notch, so Daniel will not be guilty by association. As he says, "maybe don't be Hitler, maybe be Mussolini." Stellar advice from a history and political whiz over here! Okay okay, maybe just be more like Bush and less like Trump. (That's better, right?) But really, all Chad cares about is his protein intake and his bench press reps, so he's fine with it.

In other news, there will be no cocktail party tonight, BUT, JoJo wants an all-day pool party with the guys. JoJo in a bikini? Yes, please. But not for Chad- he doesn't want or need to see JoJo in a bikini. He can picture what she looks like. That's good enough. Hm. But before the party can start, little Evan runs to daddy Chris Harrison to tell on Chad about the violence and threats. Chris is ready to step in and talk it out with Chad, who promises to make it right with the guys in order to avoid being sent home. But it doesn't seem like Chad is going to apologize after all- he wants to rip the arms and legs off of each one of the guys and throw them in the pool. Should be a fun pool party! But unfortunately we won't find out until tomorrow night... Darn you ABC and your To Be Continueds!!! One more night to wait until the big drama goes down... Until then!

Monday, May 30, 2016

The Bachelorette Week 2: The Douche of the Season

Tonight is only week 2, but we will apparently already get to see a lot of makeout sessions, and a LOT of douchey behavior. Let the games begin! Things get started right away with a group date with a bunch a lame guys, and Robby (one of my faves!). To start the date, the guys all see JoJo's limo go up in flames, but JoJo emerges from a fire truck in full-on fireman's gear. Good lord, JoJo, as if you need to get any hotter. Of course all the guys are losing their minds and probably need a quick cold shower before the date starts... For this date, the guys will be going through a firefighter obstacle course, competing for more time with JoJo, and it seems kind of fair, except that one of the guys is an actual firefighter in real life... So... he should win, right...? Poor Wells is super cute but is clearly too small and pathetic to do any of this physical work, and almost passes out. But he does get some extra alone time with JoJo, which I guess makes up for looking like a total pussy? So at the end of the day, SHOCKER- Grant the firefighter wins the whole competition! What do you know? It's like it was planned all along...
But really.. damn girl.
Meanwhile back at the house, Chad does all he can to prove himself as the ultimate douche from day one. He decides to strap a full suitcase onto a weight belt and do pull-ups on the edge of the house. Just in case there was any doubt as to who was the biggest tool. Keep it up, Chad! I'm dying to see what you come up with next.

At the rest of the group date, Grant gets his special alone time with JoJo, AND a pretty sweet kiss. JoJo also spends some more time with Wells, and I really do like his cute little pathetic innocence. He is definitely not her typical type of a big buff manly-man, but he's really funny and sweet. Keep him around! Another early front runner, Luke, is really starting to bug me. He seems weirdly obsessed with her this early on, and is starting to act like a total girl. There's just something about him that I am turned off by... Hm.. Not a fave. So at the end of the date, Wells gets the rose, in true Bachelor form! Whoever acts the most pathetic in a group date always gets the rose! Worked out great for you, Wells, I'm impressed.

The next date of the week is a one-on-one with Derek. And I'm like, who is Derek again?? I think I liked him, but I barely remember him. This better be good! The date is all about making choices, and they end up in San Francisco at the Golden Gate Bridge, it is seems like a pretty amazing date.

Back at the house, all the guys are bonding and writing songs with pretty stellar lyrics ("JoJoJo Jo Jo"), except for some- Chad has actually found a friend in Daniel (remember the ass who got almost naked on the first night?). They both agree that THEY are the real nice guys, and the "nice" guys are actually the ones to look out for. Yes, that is exactly how it works! So glad we have this relationship expert here to explain how things work. But it looks like, GASP, the house is dividing...! I wonder how this will end up.

Meanwhile, back on Derek's date, things move on to dinner and it seems to be going really well. Derek is actually pretty good looking, and seems like a good guy. Apparently he was hurt in a past relationship and has had trouble opening up to people ever since... what a crazy concept on this show! But JoJo opens up about Ben, so Derek opens up about his ex too. He gets the rose, and they definitely have a good connection. So, I like him, but he might not be exciting enough to make it to the end... We'll see!
Derek... not bad, not bad
Next, it's time for the final group date of the week, including some favorites like Jordan and Alex, plus The Douche. So the guys walk into the ESPN building where JoJo is acting as a host of Sports Nation and the guys are like uhhhhhh my two favorite things- ESPN and a hot girl. Yes please. In other news, do these people yet know who Jordan is??? I feel like these sports commentators have to know. The guys will be getting power ranked based on their ability to dance with a rose, play sober dizzy bat, and put on a fake press conference. In true Chad fashion, he decides to act "like a man" and tell JoJo she is being too naggy during his pretend marriage proposal... Good work, Chad. Plus, all the guys call him out on being the worst person ever during their fake press conferences... Chad, however,  accuses all the other guys of being fake because they already think they love JoJo. He's just being real and honest! He doesn't even know if he likes her yet, I mean, she's hot, but like, I don't even know yet. Is this how you usually get girls? Because I'm sure the asshole method works at the bar, but not sure it's going over well with someone like JoJo. But please, keep going, it is so entertaining! Finally, the power rankings come out, and they put Chad in 2nd because of his "honesty"... wow. Alex got 3rd and James came in 1st. And I'm like, you don't even consider the benefits of Jordan's family?!? Fineeeee...

Later that evening, JoJo spends more time with the 6 guys, starting with James. I love him because he fully admits that he is not nearly good enough for her (true), but he reads her the sweetest note that he wrote, and I love how adorable he is. Chad continues to remind us that he is the only MAN here, and all the other guys are just little boys. They clearly don't have as much experience with women as he does....... JoJo totally sees right through him, that he is compensating for something, and he even talks about how he doesn't want to have to worry about a relationship when he is working so much. And... that is all of the sudden different now? The great (okay, not great) thing for Chad is that he has a sob story (his mother died recently), which makes JoJo feel bad for him and see his "sensitive side." So, yeah. Chad is going to be a front runner, despite how big of a douche he is. SHOCKER. He is charming and knows how to play the game, but JoJo actually gives the group date rose to James. Yay! In other news, why can't Alex be like 8 inches taller? He is SUPER hot and sweet, but that height is going to be a deal breaker I think. (Sorry, but I actually agree with Chad on that one!).

The night of the rose ceremony arrives, and Chad is prepared to be a douche yet again. He meets JoJo's limo out front to have some extra alone time with her, and it's clear that he knows how to play this game. The guys all confront him, but Chad doesn't get what the problem is. Stop being so sensitive, bro, I was just getting some air... In other news, he is one of the only people I've ever seen eating on this show. And he is going to town on some meat. Because he is a man!!! This is definitely a first on this show, and I love it. Chad is just so standoffish towards JoJo, and acts like he doesn't like her that much, and it is working beautifully. I totally get why JoJo is into it though, and it's genius. Oh Chad, we will be seeing you for a while I am sure. Towards the end of the night, Alex confronts him yet again, and Chad straight up threatens to beat his face in. Oh Chad, we know you are a tough guy, enough with the threats.
Finally we get to the main event- the rose ceremony, and it is time to send a couple of the nobodys home. Or not...? Because she keeps around Evan, Daniel, and Vinny, who are ALL total losers. She saves the rose for Chad for last, of course, and nobody is surprised (we saw him in the previews!!). She does send home the Bachelor Superfan (who cares), some nerdy looking guy, and some guy with long hair. If only she had sent home more! At least we have a whole week for her to think about who else to send home, and for Chad to drink more protein shakes. And next week we get a full 2 nights of douche-baggery. Can't wait until then!

Monday, May 23, 2016

The Bachelorette Week 1: Bring on the Men!

The Bachelorette is back! And this is, in my opinion, the BEST Bachelorette yet. (At least since Ali.) In case you've been living under a rock, this season's Bachelorette is JoJo, the amazing, beautiful, funny, smart, cool, fun-loving, awesome runner-up from Ben's season. We just can't wait to see JoJo find the perfect man for her! JoJo insists that she has fully moved on from her breakup with Ben, and we are ready to see some amazing connections with some new (hopefully) hotties. Bring on the men! (Before we get to the men, JoJo wants some advice, and meets with some old faves- Kaitlyn, Des, and Ali, which is actually pretty entertaining, but come on- get to the main event!)

Looking more gorgeous than ever!

Now for some highlights of this season's men, starting with... JORDAN RODGERS. As an Aaron Rodgers loving family, I am BEYOND excited to see him on this season. He is super cute and oh by the way is RELATED TO AARON RODGERS. Keeper. Yes. Win please. In other options, we have Alex the Marine who is pretty darn hot, but I am guessing he has some issues and won't end up winning. We also get someone whose occupation is "Bachelor Superfan".. so.. that's a thing. This erectile dysfunction doctor seems like a super creep and I'd love to send him home ASAP. So far, really no winners, but apparently JoJo is attracted to military/firefighter/super buff guys. But are any of them actually successful, interesting people? Seems like no.

It's finally time for JoJo to meet the men at the mansion, and she is looking radiant as expected. Jordan is the first man out if the limo and I am like ahhhh you don't even know who he is!!! Please keep him around for hometowns! Other winners (based on first impression alone) include Robby the former competitive swimmer, Chad the real estate agent (probably a total douche but super hot), James the singer-songwriter, and Wells the radio DJ. But... all in all, I feel like there are unfortunately a lot of duds here, and I want to send like half of them home right now... If only she could cut it to less than 20 tonight. I guess she needs to take Ali's advice and keep around some duds just in case... you never know, right?

Once all the men have arrived (or so we think), JoJo gets to start spending some one-on-one time with each of them. But fun fact- apparently JoJo is TOO HOT and literally all the men are so nervous and can't relax to talk to her because she is so hot. First, she gets to sit on Alex the Marine while he does pushups, so that's fun, but won't start a lasting relationship. She also has an amazing conversation with Jordan which I am thrilled about. Awesome connection, can't wait to see where it goes. She has a super awkward kiss with the super awkward Will, followed by an interruption for an amazingggg kiss with Jordan Rodgers and I am literally DYING. This guy is killing it for me. We'll see if anyone can beat it... Later, she chats with Chad, who I won't lie, I'm into right now. He is a total douche and is clearly super rich which makes him overconfident, but for now, I'm feeling it. He won't make it to the end, his true douche side will likely come out soon, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts. JoJo also clearly loves the Texas boys, and she is super into both James and Luke. For me.. James is a winner, Luke is ehh. But I guess they both beat most of the other lame-os.

Such a sub-par group of men for JoJo...
In other news, in typical Bachelorette week 1 fashion, a bunch of the guys are getting wasted. Apparently the weirdo Canadian Daniel is totally trashed, poking people's belly buttons and getting naked. Oh, and jumping in the pool. But overall there is a lottttt of drinking going on here, and a few of the guys even stumble into the interview room and disrupt JoJo's interviews.. which she is not too psyched about. It's actually pretty entertaining to see this though- usually only 1 or 2 guys get this wasted, so this is definitely a change from the norm. They are just all too nervous about how hot she is!!!

So just when we think the rose ceremony is finally about to begin... another limo pulls up... But who is coming in to the house so late??? None other than possibly the BIGGEST douche to ever set foot into the Bachelor mansion.. Jake Pavelka. Holy crap. For those not in the know, he was the Bachelor about 6 years ago, and is the poster child for failed Bachelor relationships. Like, televised breakup level failure. Oh, and he's a HUGE fame whore, and I'm assuming it's been a bit too long since he was last on TV, and he needs some exposure. How very typical Jake. Apparently he is a close family friend???? What is this???? Jake fools us all into thinking he's here to join the cast of men, but relax! He's just here to get his next 15 minutes of fame! Apparently all he wanted to do was wish her luck and give her some advice. Purely out of the goodness of his heart and his care for her as a friend. Wow, so genuine, Jake. I'd love to go another 6 years without seeing you on my TV again, so let's make this happen, thanks...

Now for the actual rose ceremony, where all the guys we can't even remember the names of get roses. But how many drunk guys will she send home...? She does keep the "hipster", the guy dressed as Santa, the "Bachelor Superfan", the erectile dysfunction guy, and it appears- all of the wasted guys... Not sure what she's doing with this one, but okay. I guess there's not much to pick from, so what else is she going to do? She keeps 20 guys, and I think there's at least one winner in there, so I think it will work out in the end. I just can't wait until the group of losers gets whittled away, and we can focus on the real studs here. Stay tuned for the drama that is coming this season (and it looks like there will be a LOT) and - fingers crossed- maybe seeing Aaron Rodgers??? Until then...

Monday, March 14, 2016

Season Finale Recap: Ben Chooses His ONE True Love

Tonight is the night we have been waiting for!!! Finally!!! The crazy thing about this season is that I will actually be happy with either outcome, which is rare. Usually I hate one of the final two, but I actually love them both. Even though I think he would be happier with Lauren, I know he would do well with JoJo too. We will soon find out!

So. According to Chris Harrison, this could be the most dramatic finale EVER. No really. He means it this time!! Chris is even telling us that allegedly Ben will be marrying the winner TONIGHT on the After the Rose Live event. Stop. That cannot be real. But really- they flew out BOTH girls' families and Ben's hometown pastor (who is literally just reading his bible all night) and are making it seem like this is going to happen. This is sooo weird. Also, how did they convince the loser's parents to come out here and pretend they are preparing for a possible wedding? What. Is. Happening? Is this a joke?!? Don't you want a REAL wedding?? So confused.

Meanwhile, back in Jamaica, it's time for Ben to decide which woman he loves more than the other. Oh Ben, you are so deep into this now, I don't know how you're getting out alive. Or at least with both of your balls intact. First, Ben needs to introduce both of the girls to his parents, who are NOT happy to hear that he has told two girls that he loves them. So this should be good. Lauren is the first to meet them, and of course she is so freaking beautiful and precious that she makes an amazing impression on them. In other news, why does it seem like Ben's mom doesn't think as highly of him as we do? She straight up is like, yeahhh he is going to need some help in his life... And we are all like WHAT? I thought he was perfect!!! But don't worry, Lauren can handle it. Lauren is ready to marry Ben tomorrow, and who knows, maybe that's what will be happening in this episode...!

Next, JoJo still has to meet the parents. Can we talk about how Lauren brought them a massive flower arrangement and a bottle of wine, whereas JoJo only brought them a little flower in a shell. You're gonna need to step up your gifts if you're going to beat Lauren... Lauren set the bar pretty high yesterday! Just when we think that Lauren has it all wrapped up, JoJo comes out with some great chats with the parents, and we remember that she actually is pretty great too. She is so loving and honest and makes him laugh and feel safe. Gosh what are we going to do?!?

Am I the only one who is getting really bummed out at this point..? I can't imagine what Ben is going through. They are both AMAZING and beautiful and perfect for him and I love them both. How is he going to choose one?!? I feel like the only option here is a sister-wives situation. I feel like that could work... the girls get along really well... I don't think they would mind...

Now, Ben still has one final date with each girl to help him figure out this tough decision. He is clearly sooo stressed out and nervous, and for the first time we are seeing this rough side of Ben. He is obviously SO conflicted, and seems especially worried that everything with Lauren is too perfect. That's not a bad thing, Ben!!! It means that you are meant to be together!!! Is this just the producers trying to make us doubt Lauren for the first time all season??? Because it's working!!! Also we are definitely starting to see JoJo's relationship with Ben progress and they really are sweet together as best friends on top of everything. This is getting so tough!! Ben basically admits to both of the girls that he is still confused and conflicted, and everyone is losing hope. Ben has no concerns with either relationship. How is he going to make a decision?!? Also can we talk about how he and JoJo clearly went into the bathroom together to have a conversation away from the cameras, but they still had mics on some we heard everything? Good hiding, guys. So at the end of the two dates, we still know NOTHING and everyone is crazy conflicted and losing their freaking minds. HOW WILL THIS END???

It's not too perfect!!!
Apparently all Ben needed to do to decide was sit down with Neil Lane for a little ring shopping. Because as soon as he looks at the rings, he magically knows who the perfect girl is! It makes me nervous that he picks out the ugliest effing ring out of the bunch and "knows" that will be the perfect ring. Which one of these beautiful women do you think deserves such a hideous ring??? Poor girl. In other news, why isn't Ben sending one of them home before the rose ceremony? If you really do love her, you would save her the pain and anguish! Or did Chris Harrison advise you to do what it takes to make this the most dramatic finale ever? Because that is definitely what this is turning in to!! Ben knows he needs to break the heart of someone he loves, but who will it be?!?

The time has arrived for Ben to send the loser home, and the helicopters are arriving.... and JoJo steps out. Ohhhhh JoJo. We really thought you had a chance. But it looks like your love is just not enough. Ben lets her start the conversation, and JoJo goes on a lengthy tangent about how much she loves him and how amazing this is, and we cannot believe that Ben is letting her do this! Stop letting her humiliate herself!!! Finally he steps in and admits that he loves someone else more, and JoJo is rightfully pissed. You did nothing wrong! He just connects with Lauren better. JoJo actually handles this like a champ, and we all remember why we love her so much. PLEASE BE THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!!! I will do anything to have it be JoJo and not Caila. PLEASE!!!!!!! We love you!!!
Still love you, JoJo!!!!
So, just when you think you couldn't love Ben enough.. Right before Lauren is about to arrive, he busts out the cell phone and calls... Lauren's dad, to ask him for permission to propose. OH MY GOD. Literally no Bachelor has ever done this. SUCH a stud move. BE STILL MY HEART! Ben, we literally can't love anyone more. I just can't. Lauren arrives and they both profess their love for each other and it is seriously the most precious proposal since Sean Lowe. Maybe even better. THEY ARE SO STINKING CUTE. But will they be getting married live tonight?? We will soon find out...

Just when you think it's over, you realize that there is still another whole HOUR of this freaking show. The only positive is that Ben and Lauren will possibly get married (doubtful), and that we will find out who the next Bachelorette is (and apparently it might not be who we think it is....!!!). So we get to check in with Ben and see JoJo confront Ben nicely, and all that matters is that JoJo is lookin' gooooood, and that everyone on this season is just so freaking nice to each other! JoJo wishes them the best (genuinely), and we just love them all so much. Finally, Chris Harrison is ready to announce the next Bachelorette, and even though people have been trying to trick us, it is really going to be... JOJO!!!! And America is SO HAPPY!!! JoJo will be an amazing Bachelorette, and I am SO happy about this decision. Good call, ABC. This will be a winner for sure. This whole season has been worth it, now knowing that all of our favorites will end up happy. Can't wait!!!

At the end of the day, just when you thought you couldn't love Ben ANY MORE, he does it again. Chris Harrison of course tries to push this surprise wedding on them, and instead, Ben takes the opportunity to bring out both of their families (surprising Lauren) and re-propose to Lauren with all of their family and friends there. SO ADORABLE. The families are all SO SWEET and already love each other so much and I literally can't even handle how precious this is. Even though they didn't go through with the surprise wedding, they are clearly SO happy and I cannot wait until they are actually married. LOVE THEM. All we can do is hope that JoJo's season is anywhere close to as awesome as this one. We can't wait to find out!!! Until then...

Monday, March 7, 2016

Women Tell All Recap: A Whole Lot of Blah.

Tonight, all the losers women from Ben's season are returning to "tell all." But I have a feeling this will be relatively uneventful. Aside from Olivia being a "crazy bitch," (and let's be honest, we've seen wayyyy crazier), the rest of the girls were and are pretty lame. But maybe someone will surprise us and totally lose her shit. Here's hoping!!!
Time for some awkward conversations!!!
Let's be real, isn't the best part of this night always seeing all the girls come back, and realizing you don't even remember half of them..? Like, who the crap are these people that were sent home night one? You don't have anything to contribute... Jami, stop trying to get your 15 seconds of fame. And why is this chicken here? I can't even. But the one we ARE happy to see again is Lace. Ohhhhh Lace. We have missed you!!! Please bring your crazy ass back to us.

First we relive all of the "drama" which in reality, wasn't even that horrible. Ohh Olivia was rude.. Jubilee refused to talk to the girls.. Leah lied... wowwwww this was a wild season!

Next, we have to spend an absurdly long time opening up with the girl that literally nobody even cares about, Jubilee. In a word, unnecessary. So the truth about Jubilee comes out that apparently she was pulling the race card all season long. The biracial girls are pissed off because Jubilee claimed to be the "full-black girl" to make it the furthest in the show. And apparently dropped n-bombs in the house and made her race a major topic many times... I can't say I am surprised (remember how great she felt about calling Ben "white boy" on their date..?) and it actually explains a lot. I wish people would stop making us feel bad about Jubilee's departure. It was NOT heartbreaking. She was the worst. Move on. Jubilee admits that she says offensive things a lot (wow, winner!) and half-heartedly apologizes to Amber and Jami. But really. Who the eff is this Jami girl and why is she ALL over this tell-all??? She wasn't even on the season!! So confused. Chris Harrison desperately tries to turn this segment into something we care about, and fails miserably. Please get to someone we actually give a shit about. K thanks!

Thankfully, the good stuff is next- Lace! We cannot wait to see what this crazy-ass hot mess has been up to. Has she bettered herself enough to be able to love yet?? Let's hope! Apparently this whole experience has been a turning point in Lace's life, and she is totally normal now. How boring. She doesn't say the word "crazy" anymore and she now watches her facial expressions. Except she does NOT love herself yet. Hopefully she will by the time Bachelor in Paradise comes back this summer...!!! Please be ready to find love! In other news, we got to see some crazy fan in the audience come forward with a tattoo of Lace on his torso. So. We hope that's fake. And I'm just gonna go ahead and gloss right over that happening... Moving on.

Next up, we get to check in with Olivia and recap her disaster of an exit from the show. She actually seems pretty sincere and normal on tonight's show, which makes me think that being on the Bachelor actually made her legit crazy. Like she somehow turned into a maniac as the season progressed. We do get to hear both Olivia and the other girls explain who was really bullying who, but even this is not that exciting. Yes, everyone was a bitch to everyone. Olivia called Amanda a teen mom. Tell us something we don't know! Bring out some deleted scenes! Something! Because we haven't felt bad enough for Olivia, she decides to confess to America that she was severely bullied as a child, and that's why she acted this way on the show. Not that we don't take bullying seriously, but it seems a little convenient to bring this up right when everyone else is accusing you of being a bully. Obviously the girls were all meaner than they should be, but didn't you kind of expect this when you went on the Bachelor? Olivia successfully (maybe) makes the world feel bad for her by busting out the waterworks and crying about how much she is being attacked on social media. Yes, that is sad. But still. You went on the Bachelor and acted crazy. What did you really think would happen? You can cry all you want, but all we can think about is how freaking boring all of these segments have been. Why are all of these girls so lame tonight??? Is there anything good coming up??? Please!

The "craziest" girl this season.. surprisingly tame.

Unfortunately, next up is Caila. Weird with a capital W. This can only be awful. Let's see if she can actually put some complete sentences together tonight! I have to admit, I zoned out for pretty much that entire segment, because, let's be honest, nobody gives a crap about Caila. She was never the right person for Ben. She's beautiful but superrrrrrrr odd and annoying. And believe me, if it gets confirmed by ABC that she will be the next Bachelorette, you will hear some words from me about that one. I've been over her for weeks now. So sorry I wasn't paying attention to your sad little tears tonight! I'm sure it was really interesting.

Finally we get to see "the most popular Bachelor in history" come out to the stage. Sean Lowe?!? Oh wait, no, apparently he means Ben. We get to see a boring convo between him and Caila, a lame confrontation with Leah, and an angry attack from Jubilee. And at the end of the day, the girls just wish Ben all the best, and compliment how amazing he is. Because really. Ben is just incredible and everyone knows it. Love you, Ben!!! Even Chris Harrison tells him that he's made it onto the Mount Rushmore of Bachelors. Now THAT is the biggest honor in life! I would love to know who else is on that mountain...? Sean Lowe of course. But who else...? Please create that for us, Chris!

All we really care about it scenes from next week, and we are beyond excited for the amazing finale! Who will he choose- Lauren or JoJo??  It will be, as Chris Harrison is promising- the MOST dramatic season finale in Bachelor history. I can't wait to see the results!!! Somehow we made it through this horrendous Women Tell All, and all I know is that next week cannot come soon enough. Until then...

Monday, February 29, 2016

Week 9 Recap: Ben Finds The Loves of His Life

It's fantasy suite week!!!!! This means that not only will Ben be spending the night with 3 different women, but apparently he will also be professing his love for TWO of them! Ben and the ladies will be spending this week in Jamaica, which is just the perfect place to fall in love. In case you haven't been paying attention, we are down to the final 3: The weirdo robot who is incapable of love, Caila, the obvious winner from the start, Lauren, and fun-loving hottie with the possessive brothers, JoJo. Which 2 is he in love with?!? Anyone but Robo-Caila, please...

Speak of the devil- Ben's first date this week is with Caila. And I am tempted to just fast forward through this entire segment. How many more times do I need to see her smile excessively and not say anything of substance? Pass. Literally this entire date is them sitting on a river raft in awkward total silence. And occasionally kissing. And talking about how anxious they are. This is so uncomfortable, I can't even deal. I'm sure even the riverboat rower is ready to throw himself overboard just to get away from the awkwardness. Get her out. Later at the nighttime portion of the date, they talk about how weird she was acting earlier in the day. She spends about 30 minutes trying to put a sentence together in order to get out the words that she is in love with him. Just spit it out, for goodness sakes! How are you going to spend the rest of your life with someone who needs hours just to get out a complete thought. Ben is apparently really happy that Caila finally figured out how to say three words, and now she is back to normal, yay! Now that we've taken care of that, it's time to spend the night in the fantasy suite!!! I hope for Ben's sake that they won't be doing much talking in there... because any more of that would be pure torture. Caila is confident that Ben loves her back, even though he doesn't say it, but I'm not so sure... we'll find out later!

The next date of the week goes to Lauren, and we cannot wait. Finally, someone who is actually a real, living human being! This date is already 1927124 times better than the first one, not to mention they are going to be saving baby turtles. But really. Lauren + Ben + baby turtles. Could this be any cuter?!? I am literally dying. LOVE ALL OF THIS. Later, they have a pretty serious conversation where Ben tells Lauren that she is too good for him. That's exactly what I said about Ben with Kaitlyn! They are both people that are just too good for everyone else, which makes them perfect for each other. BEN AND LAUREN PLEASE!!!! Lauren does tell Ben that he is the man of her dreams, but she still hasn't told him that she loves him. What are you waiting for?!? Just do it! He obviously loves you too!!! They decide to head to the fantasy suite together and Lauren is excited to just "do us." Yeah, we know. FINALLY once they are in the suite, Lauren works up the courage to tell Ben that she loves him. And then... WHAT. Ben tells Lauren that he loves her too. Ben!!! You aren't supposed to say that yet, when you still have THREE women left!!! And then they both say it over and over again. IS THIS THE END OF THE SEASON YET? Why is anyone else still even there???? She is clearly the winner. Send everyone else home now!!! Amazing.

So, even though Ben told Lauren he loves her (repeatedly), he still has another date to go on this week. And another fantasy suite. How can you be in love with someone, and take someone else on an overnight date...? Am I the only one who is a bit weirded out by this? I guess we need to just ignore this fact and enjoy the date with our other fave, JoJo. Their date today involves JoJo rocking her insanely hot bikini bod while jumping into waterfalls with Ben. I mean, how can Ben NOT love this? JoJo is actually able to spill her guts to Ben and admit that she is in love with him, and... WHAT. Ben professes his love for JoJo as well. BEN! YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THIS!!!! You can't tell TWO women that you love them, especially when there are still really three left! Didn't the producers tell you the unwritten rules??? You're not supposed to say that until the very end!!! You are going to tear some hearts apart!!! I mean, I love them both too, but this seems kind of unfair. Don't just go throwing those words around! So even though Ben loves JoJo, he is still a bit wary about the brother situation. JoJo does all she can to assuage his fears, and Ben thinks he can handle it. Love can get them through anything! Anyway, they have an amazing fantasy suite experience, and Ben is conflicted, blah blah.

Now for the part we've been waiting for... time to break Caila's heart! But do robots even have hearts to break? Caila is still sure that Ben loves her back, but we know the truth! I love knowing something these dumb dumbs don't know. Smile more and tell me how happy you are to see Ben! So Caila decides to surprise Ben and heads to his house smiling and giggling, and I guess doesn't hear the somber soundtrack in the background... it's bad news for you, Caila... She sneaks up on Ben, and all he can think is, "ohhhh fuck...." Now he has to get rid of her now, instead of waiting until later. How can I do this diplomatically...? Ben does a good job letting her down easy, but does he seriously call her "kiddo"? Did that just happen? Gag me. Calia decides it is time to go, and even as she is crying, she is smiling. Does her robot programming not allow her to stop smiling? Surprisingly enough, Caila pulls a ballsy move and decides to question Ben about everything that happened this week. We know what she is really asking- why did you sleep with me if you were going to send me home? Dick. Ben plays it cool and assuages her fears, and Caila finally leaves. Smile-crying. Ben tries to pull out some tears but let's be honest, he dodged a bullet with that one. Weirdo...

So, don't forget, we still have a rose ceremony this week, even though it is already down to two. These girls need to get their roses! JoJo and Lauren arrive, and start to look around a bit... ummm where is Caila? Gone? Makes sense. Just give us the roses and let's get this show on the road. At the end of the day, Ben is a bit conflicted from being in love with two women. Sorry Ben, but you have to send one of them home! Or try to figure out a sister-wives situation. That might be the best idea.

Before we find out who he chooses, we have Women Tell All next week! Get ready for a dramatic night of bitches whining and crying. I for one cannot wait. Until then...