Monday, March 7, 2016

Women Tell All Recap: A Whole Lot of Blah.

Tonight, all the losers women from Ben's season are returning to "tell all." But I have a feeling this will be relatively uneventful. Aside from Olivia being a "crazy bitch," (and let's be honest, we've seen wayyyy crazier), the rest of the girls were and are pretty lame. But maybe someone will surprise us and totally lose her shit. Here's hoping!!!
Time for some awkward conversations!!!
Let's be real, isn't the best part of this night always seeing all the girls come back, and realizing you don't even remember half of them..? Like, who the crap are these people that were sent home night one? You don't have anything to contribute... Jami, stop trying to get your 15 seconds of fame. And why is this chicken here? I can't even. But the one we ARE happy to see again is Lace. Ohhhhh Lace. We have missed you!!! Please bring your crazy ass back to us.

First we relive all of the "drama" which in reality, wasn't even that horrible. Ohh Olivia was rude.. Jubilee refused to talk to the girls.. Leah lied... wowwwww this was a wild season!

Next, we have to spend an absurdly long time opening up with the girl that literally nobody even cares about, Jubilee. In a word, unnecessary. So the truth about Jubilee comes out that apparently she was pulling the race card all season long. The biracial girls are pissed off because Jubilee claimed to be the "full-black girl" to make it the furthest in the show. And apparently dropped n-bombs in the house and made her race a major topic many times... I can't say I am surprised (remember how great she felt about calling Ben "white boy" on their date..?) and it actually explains a lot. I wish people would stop making us feel bad about Jubilee's departure. It was NOT heartbreaking. She was the worst. Move on. Jubilee admits that she says offensive things a lot (wow, winner!) and half-heartedly apologizes to Amber and Jami. But really. Who the eff is this Jami girl and why is she ALL over this tell-all??? She wasn't even on the season!! So confused. Chris Harrison desperately tries to turn this segment into something we care about, and fails miserably. Please get to someone we actually give a shit about. K thanks!

Thankfully, the good stuff is next- Lace! We cannot wait to see what this crazy-ass hot mess has been up to. Has she bettered herself enough to be able to love yet?? Let's hope! Apparently this whole experience has been a turning point in Lace's life, and she is totally normal now. How boring. She doesn't say the word "crazy" anymore and she now watches her facial expressions. Except she does NOT love herself yet. Hopefully she will by the time Bachelor in Paradise comes back this summer...!!! Please be ready to find love! In other news, we got to see some crazy fan in the audience come forward with a tattoo of Lace on his torso. So. We hope that's fake. And I'm just gonna go ahead and gloss right over that happening... Moving on.

Next up, we get to check in with Olivia and recap her disaster of an exit from the show. She actually seems pretty sincere and normal on tonight's show, which makes me think that being on the Bachelor actually made her legit crazy. Like she somehow turned into a maniac as the season progressed. We do get to hear both Olivia and the other girls explain who was really bullying who, but even this is not that exciting. Yes, everyone was a bitch to everyone. Olivia called Amanda a teen mom. Tell us something we don't know! Bring out some deleted scenes! Something! Because we haven't felt bad enough for Olivia, she decides to confess to America that she was severely bullied as a child, and that's why she acted this way on the show. Not that we don't take bullying seriously, but it seems a little convenient to bring this up right when everyone else is accusing you of being a bully. Obviously the girls were all meaner than they should be, but didn't you kind of expect this when you went on the Bachelor? Olivia successfully (maybe) makes the world feel bad for her by busting out the waterworks and crying about how much she is being attacked on social media. Yes, that is sad. But still. You went on the Bachelor and acted crazy. What did you really think would happen? You can cry all you want, but all we can think about is how freaking boring all of these segments have been. Why are all of these girls so lame tonight??? Is there anything good coming up??? Please!

The "craziest" girl this season.. surprisingly tame.

Unfortunately, next up is Caila. Weird with a capital W. This can only be awful. Let's see if she can actually put some complete sentences together tonight! I have to admit, I zoned out for pretty much that entire segment, because, let's be honest, nobody gives a crap about Caila. She was never the right person for Ben. She's beautiful but superrrrrrrr odd and annoying. And believe me, if it gets confirmed by ABC that she will be the next Bachelorette, you will hear some words from me about that one. I've been over her for weeks now. So sorry I wasn't paying attention to your sad little tears tonight! I'm sure it was really interesting.

Finally we get to see "the most popular Bachelor in history" come out to the stage. Sean Lowe?!? Oh wait, no, apparently he means Ben. We get to see a boring convo between him and Caila, a lame confrontation with Leah, and an angry attack from Jubilee. And at the end of the day, the girls just wish Ben all the best, and compliment how amazing he is. Because really. Ben is just incredible and everyone knows it. Love you, Ben!!! Even Chris Harrison tells him that he's made it onto the Mount Rushmore of Bachelors. Now THAT is the biggest honor in life! I would love to know who else is on that mountain...? Sean Lowe of course. But who else...? Please create that for us, Chris!

All we really care about it scenes from next week, and we are beyond excited for the amazing finale! Who will he choose- Lauren or JoJo??  It will be, as Chris Harrison is promising- the MOST dramatic season finale in Bachelor history. I can't wait to see the results!!! Somehow we made it through this horrendous Women Tell All, and all I know is that next week cannot come soon enough. Until then...

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