Monday, February 24, 2014

5 Reasons Why Everyone Actually Hates Juan Pablo

Was I right, or was I right?  Juan Pablo is the worst.  Remember that time when everyone was so excited for him to be the Bachelor because he's "so hot"?  Because I'm pretty sure that even ABC has now realized how HUGE of a mistake they made.  Anyone wondering why this week is a "special" 2-night event? Newsflash: It's because even the network wants this season to end ASAP.  Total. Failure.  So, instead of my usual episode recaps, I have compiled a list of reasons from the last few episodes why everyone actually hates Juan Pablo.

1.  He sent Cassandra home on her birthday.  What a dick move.  Yes, it was supposedly a nice thing to do because she has a son and blah blah blah, but you couldn't wait like 12 hours??  He just wasn't feeling it, and it makes sense... I mean she IS only 22 (now)... but come on.  Did he know it was her birthday?!?  She didn't even get to say goodbye to the other girls, especially her bestie Renee.  How rude!

2.  He confuses chemistry for being a good mother.  One word- Sharleen.  He kept Sharleen around even when she didn't even like him.  How many times did she get the group date rose??  How many make out sessions did they have?  She didn't even like him!  She was constantly doubting her feelings- like the female version of Brooks.  She doesn't want kids, and all they ever did together was make out. But for some reason, he really thought she was the one... You know you need more for a wife/mother than a make-out partner, right?  Thank goodness she finally bit the bullet and left, because how awkward would that final proposal be if she was the last one standing??

3.  He is a huge hypocrite.  We first met him as this hot Latino heartthrob, but then the show tried to portray him as a loving dad.  So of course he tried to make it seem like his daughter was his priority (at first, anyway).  But then as soon as he really started getting into the show, he let the penis do the picking and started making out with everyone he was interested in.  Are you seriously looking for your wife, because literally all we see you doing is make out with these women.  Last week, he shockingly sent home the one woman who he HADN'T made out with yet- Kat.  Could it be because he hadn't gotten enough action from her yet???  But seriously, either be a full-time good dad, or be a sexy heartthrob, but don't switch roles every other day.

4.  Overreact, much?  That whole Clare drama was ridiculous.  In case you forgot, they swam in the ocean like immature children and then JP regretted it because of his daughter.  Again, what a hypocrite, and what a drama queen (Juan Pablo, not Clare).  I'm pretty positive they didn't even do the deed, but he wanted to make a big deal about it because he felt guilty about what it looked like.  This dragged on for way too long, as Clare needed an apology for his overreaction since all she wanted to do was go swimming!  But apparently Juan draws the line at making out with every woman, and making out in a waterfall (as long as it's not 4am).  You are not an upstanding guy, so just own your actions.

5.  Doesn't he just give off the creep-vibe?  Anyone wondering why the parents are all so skeptical?  Because they pick up on the vibes!  Maybe it's the language barrier, maybe it's the fact that he's a father/sex-symbol, maybe it's the awkward salsa dancing in front of Andie's mom, but I cannot get on board.  I am on the same page with Andie's and Clare's families- they aren't just protective- they are normal and therefore see the weirdness in him.  Plus, from what I've seen and heard, something sketchy is going down with him tomorrow night in the Fantasy Suite.  If Andie is cursing him out in the previews, we know something shady happens.  I wouldn't be surprised though- I'm telling you, look out for the signs and you'll feel the creep-vibe too!

At this point, I hope NONE of them stay around for the final rose.  In fact, I am actually glad that he eliminated Renee because she does not need this loser in her life (and her son's life!).  I suppose Nikki or Clare would be fine since they are both pretty crazy, but Andie needs to run for the hills.  Here's to hoping that this disaster of a season ends QUICKLY and Andie becomes the next Bachelorette.  Next season, please!

Monday, February 3, 2014

This Season's Courtney or Tierra? Hardly.

In the last 2 weeks it has become clear that the producers needed a crazy bitch this season, and it appears like they've chosen Clare.  Unfortunately for them, she is much too stupid to be a real villain like a Courtney or a Tierra.  But for some reason, level-headed Juan Pablo is attracted to this immature moron.  Maybe he feels like he needs to take care of her like his child?  It's hard to tell if Clare truly is a bitch or if the girls just need someone to hate.  Though she does try to pull a Courtney by secretly sneaking into Juan Pablo's room late at night to go "swim in the ocean."  Wow, where ever did she get THAT idea??  This is definitely appropriate for a man who is concerned about how his daughter views him with these women.  Great role models there!  Because he is a nice guy, he does end up regretting this later and has a serious talk with Clare about fairness.  Just as if he was lecturing his child.  She has a tantrum/crying fit and he literally has to talk her off a ledge because her feelings were hurt.  She is a child!!!  Stop.  I think it is clear that Juan Pablo is merely attracted to her physically, and it is just a matter of time before he realizes how immature and straight-up dumb she really is.  I mean, just a few examples from the past 2 weeks:

"Korea?! I don't even have a kimono!" -Clare

"Korea had it's beauty, but this is like, nature." -Clare

"You know when a baby giraffe is born and it has wobbly legs?  Like, it takes a while to process things." -Clare

This girl is a winner for sure!  Granted, Clare is not the only dumb one in the bunch.  In fact, last week one of the date cards read "POP," and while they were in the home of KPop, they were all totally clueless as to what they were going to be doing. Yeah. Cream of the crop, here.

Other notables lately include good old Sharleen, who finally decided that maybe she did indeed like him, but now realizes their priorities don't line up.  I mean, just the whole thing where she doesn't want any kids, and he is a single father.  But as long as she keeps that quiet, it will all work out, don't worry.

Juan Pablo also seems really into Negative Nikki, who shockingly is a lot happier this week now that she has a one-on-one date.  But seriously, enough with the girls who are less mature than your daughter!  Aren't you looking for a wife, not another kid?!  Plus, this probably can't go too far if he can't even pronounce "pediatric"...

Some of my faves are still hanging in there, even though Andi is starting to get discouraged by going on only group dates.  She's really good at getting him to ease her worries though, and definitely still gets good attention.  But really, can she just get a one-on-one, please?  It's gotta be coming next week.

Finally, this week reinforced my point that Renee truly is the best choice for him, and luckily Juan Pablo seems to be recognizing this.  Unfortunately, he is too worried about the whole kid thing and therefore is wary about kissing her.  What if Ben and Camila see?!?  Please.  This guy is probably the biggest hypocrite I've seen in awhile.  Last week he freaked that he had already kissed 6 girls, and therefore would NOT kiss anyone new.  He wants to set a good example for Camila!  However, somehow he forgets that whole thing by the time this week's group date rolls around, when he goes to town making out with just about everyone.  So apparently it's important to set a good example, unless you think someone is super sexy, then it's okay to go late-night swimming in the ocean with a random ho.  So, your daughter only stops you when it comes to certain girls??  He finally gets over it with Renee and she gets the kiss she's been dying for, thank goodness.  But maybe he's NOT the stand-up guy we all thought he was...
We're not sure how we feel about this guy anymore... (ABC)
This week, THREE women were eliminated, and thank goodness for it- this season can't go by fast enough!  He sends home some randos who we barely even knew (Danielle and Alli) and the good old dog lover, Kelly.  Are any of us shocked by this one?  Hardly.  Maybe he'll eliminate another 3 next week, too, and we can get this season over with!  Or will there actually be real drama coming up?? We will see... stay tuned!