Tuesday, March 11, 2014

3 Lessons We Learned From This Season of The Bachelor

After this epic failure of a season, I want to take a moment to look back at some of the main lessons we learned.  Oh, and revel in the fact that I seemed to be one of the few who predicted this train wreck from the beginning.  Let's start from the top, shall we?

1.  NEVER choose a little-known contestant to become the next Bachelor.  Have I not been saying this all along?  All we knew about Juan Pablo before his reign was that he was hot, Latin, and a dad.  That's it.  Literally, he was not a part of Des' season at ALL, yet ABC went for it.  What did we end up with?  The biggest jerk in Bachelor history that NOBODY cares about and nobody wants to see succeed.  (Yes, ignore everything I previously said about him being a "great guy," seems like his lame-ness fooled me too).  I swear if I ever have to hear him say "it's okay," "mmhmm," or "don't interrupt me" again, I will lose it.  What kind of an example are you setting for your daughter now?  You just disrespected numerous women AND Chris Harrison on national television.  I'm glad you want a private life now, because nobody will ever want you to come back as a "Bachelor Alum" for anything, ever again.  Good riddance.

2.  Clare wasn't the crazy one after all.  So maybe I was off on this one.  Clare turned out to be surprisingly coherent in the finale when she told off Juan Pablo.  No, if anyone is crazy, it's Nikki. Well, either she is crazy, desperate, or sad, and we should feel sorry for her for falling into this awful trap of a relationship.  Did anyone else feel super uncomfortable when she was just sitting next to him on the couch silently during After the Rose, awkwardly kissing him whenever he desired?  It's hard to tell if she is just doing this for the sake of "winning" the show, for the attention, or if she truly does love him.  But if she has really fallen under this spell, I am just sad for her.  All women know what it's like to fall in love with a jerk, and not be able to pull yourself out of it.  But I hope someone can snap her out of this soon, or she is in for a life of submission with a man who won't get to know her, and won't reciprocate her love.  Sad. 

3.  Chris Harrison needs a new job.  Or a large vodka drink.  I actually could not help but laugh hysterically at the TV as Chris tried desperately to bring some semblance of normal to the After the Rose special last night.  It was clear that he cannot stand Juan Pablo and that he was just trying to end this atrocity of a season.  It seemed like he was actually taunting Juan Pablo about the "I like you a lot" comment, and he had a face of disbelief throughout most of the night.  Plus, in case you missed it, he definitely walked off the set right at the start of one commercial break, and he continuously made comments about wanting to move on to next season.  And did anyone miss the usual Chris Harrison heart-to-heart that typically comes right before the final rose ceremony?  Guarantee either CH wanted no part of that, or it was just too horrible to bother airing.  Oh Chris, we all still love you.  Go get plastered and think about how great next season will be with Andi!
I hope everyone else breathed a sigh of relief when this disaster ended last night, and I know we are all dying for Andi's season to start!  Loyal readers will understand just how excited I am about Andi becoming the next Bachelorette, as she has been a favorite for weeks now.  Stay tuned for my thoughts on why she will be a great Bachelorette, and let's all pray that we never have to see Juan Pablo's creeper face again!

Monday, February 24, 2014

5 Reasons Why Everyone Actually Hates Juan Pablo

Was I right, or was I right?  Juan Pablo is the worst.  Remember that time when everyone was so excited for him to be the Bachelor because he's "so hot"?  Because I'm pretty sure that even ABC has now realized how HUGE of a mistake they made.  Anyone wondering why this week is a "special" 2-night event? Newsflash: It's because even the network wants this season to end ASAP.  Total. Failure.  So, instead of my usual episode recaps, I have compiled a list of reasons from the last few episodes why everyone actually hates Juan Pablo.

1.  He sent Cassandra home on her birthday.  What a dick move.  Yes, it was supposedly a nice thing to do because she has a son and blah blah blah, but you couldn't wait like 12 hours??  He just wasn't feeling it, and it makes sense... I mean she IS only 22 (now)... but come on.  Did he know it was her birthday?!?  She didn't even get to say goodbye to the other girls, especially her bestie Renee.  How rude!

2.  He confuses chemistry for being a good mother.  One word- Sharleen.  He kept Sharleen around even when she didn't even like him.  How many times did she get the group date rose??  How many make out sessions did they have?  She didn't even like him!  She was constantly doubting her feelings- like the female version of Brooks.  She doesn't want kids, and all they ever did together was make out. But for some reason, he really thought she was the one... You know you need more for a wife/mother than a make-out partner, right?  Thank goodness she finally bit the bullet and left, because how awkward would that final proposal be if she was the last one standing??

3.  He is a huge hypocrite.  We first met him as this hot Latino heartthrob, but then the show tried to portray him as a loving dad.  So of course he tried to make it seem like his daughter was his priority (at first, anyway).  But then as soon as he really started getting into the show, he let the penis do the picking and started making out with everyone he was interested in.  Are you seriously looking for your wife, because literally all we see you doing is make out with these women.  Last week, he shockingly sent home the one woman who he HADN'T made out with yet- Kat.  Could it be because he hadn't gotten enough action from her yet???  But seriously, either be a full-time good dad, or be a sexy heartthrob, but don't switch roles every other day.

4.  Overreact, much?  That whole Clare drama was ridiculous.  In case you forgot, they swam in the ocean like immature children and then JP regretted it because of his daughter.  Again, what a hypocrite, and what a drama queen (Juan Pablo, not Clare).  I'm pretty positive they didn't even do the deed, but he wanted to make a big deal about it because he felt guilty about what it looked like.  This dragged on for way too long, as Clare needed an apology for his overreaction since all she wanted to do was go swimming!  But apparently Juan draws the line at making out with every woman, and making out in a waterfall (as long as it's not 4am).  You are not an upstanding guy, so just own your actions.

5.  Doesn't he just give off the creep-vibe?  Anyone wondering why the parents are all so skeptical?  Because they pick up on the vibes!  Maybe it's the language barrier, maybe it's the fact that he's a father/sex-symbol, maybe it's the awkward salsa dancing in front of Andie's mom, but I cannot get on board.  I am on the same page with Andie's and Clare's families- they aren't just protective- they are normal and therefore see the weirdness in him.  Plus, from what I've seen and heard, something sketchy is going down with him tomorrow night in the Fantasy Suite.  If Andie is cursing him out in the previews, we know something shady happens.  I wouldn't be surprised though- I'm telling you, look out for the signs and you'll feel the creep-vibe too!

At this point, I hope NONE of them stay around for the final rose.  In fact, I am actually glad that he eliminated Renee because she does not need this loser in her life (and her son's life!).  I suppose Nikki or Clare would be fine since they are both pretty crazy, but Andie needs to run for the hills.  Here's to hoping that this disaster of a season ends QUICKLY and Andie becomes the next Bachelorette.  Next season, please!

Monday, February 3, 2014

This Season's Courtney or Tierra? Hardly.

In the last 2 weeks it has become clear that the producers needed a crazy bitch this season, and it appears like they've chosen Clare.  Unfortunately for them, she is much too stupid to be a real villain like a Courtney or a Tierra.  But for some reason, level-headed Juan Pablo is attracted to this immature moron.  Maybe he feels like he needs to take care of her like his child?  It's hard to tell if Clare truly is a bitch or if the girls just need someone to hate.  Though she does try to pull a Courtney by secretly sneaking into Juan Pablo's room late at night to go "swim in the ocean."  Wow, where ever did she get THAT idea??  This is definitely appropriate for a man who is concerned about how his daughter views him with these women.  Great role models there!  Because he is a nice guy, he does end up regretting this later and has a serious talk with Clare about fairness.  Just as if he was lecturing his child.  She has a tantrum/crying fit and he literally has to talk her off a ledge because her feelings were hurt.  She is a child!!!  Stop.  I think it is clear that Juan Pablo is merely attracted to her physically, and it is just a matter of time before he realizes how immature and straight-up dumb she really is.  I mean, just a few examples from the past 2 weeks:

"Korea?! I don't even have a kimono!" -Clare

"Korea had it's beauty, but this is like, nature." -Clare

"You know when a baby giraffe is born and it has wobbly legs?  Like, it takes a while to process things." -Clare

This girl is a winner for sure!  Granted, Clare is not the only dumb one in the bunch.  In fact, last week one of the date cards read "POP," and while they were in the home of KPop, they were all totally clueless as to what they were going to be doing. Yeah. Cream of the crop, here.

Other notables lately include good old Sharleen, who finally decided that maybe she did indeed like him, but now realizes their priorities don't line up.  I mean, just the whole thing where she doesn't want any kids, and he is a single father.  But as long as she keeps that quiet, it will all work out, don't worry.

Juan Pablo also seems really into Negative Nikki, who shockingly is a lot happier this week now that she has a one-on-one date.  But seriously, enough with the girls who are less mature than your daughter!  Aren't you looking for a wife, not another kid?!  Plus, this probably can't go too far if he can't even pronounce "pediatric"...

Some of my faves are still hanging in there, even though Andi is starting to get discouraged by going on only group dates.  She's really good at getting him to ease her worries though, and definitely still gets good attention.  But really, can she just get a one-on-one, please?  It's gotta be coming next week.

Finally, this week reinforced my point that Renee truly is the best choice for him, and luckily Juan Pablo seems to be recognizing this.  Unfortunately, he is too worried about the whole kid thing and therefore is wary about kissing her.  What if Ben and Camila see?!?  Please.  This guy is probably the biggest hypocrite I've seen in awhile.  Last week he freaked that he had already kissed 6 girls, and therefore would NOT kiss anyone new.  He wants to set a good example for Camila!  However, somehow he forgets that whole thing by the time this week's group date rolls around, when he goes to town making out with just about everyone.  So apparently it's important to set a good example, unless you think someone is super sexy, then it's okay to go late-night swimming in the ocean with a random ho.  So, your daughter only stops you when it comes to certain girls??  He finally gets over it with Renee and she gets the kiss she's been dying for, thank goodness.  But maybe he's NOT the stand-up guy we all thought he was...
We're not sure how we feel about this guy anymore... (ABC)
This week, THREE women were eliminated, and thank goodness for it- this season can't go by fast enough!  He sends home some randos who we barely even knew (Danielle and Alli) and the good old dog lover, Kelly.  Are any of us shocked by this one?  Hardly.  Maybe he'll eliminate another 3 next week, too, and we can get this season over with!  Or will there actually be real drama coming up?? We will see... stay tuned!

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Bachelor Recap: This Week's (Lack of) Drama

Okay so I know I said I didn't care enough to blog this season, but once I finally posted, I got on a roll!  Plus, I can't let a few things go by without my commentary...

As I predicted and pointed out in my last post, this season is BORING.  Juan Pablo is just too mature and normal to allow anything ridiculous to happen.  In fact, he is even sending home the right women!  The only source of crazy left in the house, Free Spirit Lucy, was actually eliminated last night because Juan realized she was not wife-material.  What a practical and mature decision!  So, what drama (or lack thereof) is even left?  Let's take a look...
  • The girls are all jealous of the amount of one-on-one time the others get (what else is new?)
  • The girls freak out when another girl kisses and cuddles with Juan Pablo (I'm sorry, have you seen this show before?)
  • Elise thinks that Chelsie is too immature to be wife-material... and she likes to remind us over and over (and she is probably right, and I'm sure JP will send her home in the next few weeks- I mean how long did it take you to finally jump off that bridge?  Enough.)
  • Sharleen still has no idea what she is feeling, even though JP seems to be obsessed with her down-to-earth-ness... will she finally make up her mind about him (or will the producers stop forcing her to act like she cares?)
Just one big happy, drama-free family! (ABC)
Yeah, that's it.  Jealousy and girls without feelings.  CRAZY!  Or crazy boring, at least.  In more positive news, here are people I still like:
  • Andi- yup, I still like her the best and think she would be a great choice
  • Elise- can she finally get a date already?  Even with the complaining about Chelsie, I still like her and want to see her more
  • Nikki- apparently the girls are going to attack her for being fake, etc, but I think she is cute at this point
  • Renee- I still like her a lot, and haven't you noticed how she is always the one to act as the mom to all the crying girls?  For sure the most mature
  • Cassandra- well, I don't know if I actually like her as much as I am fascinated.  You are 21, have a 2-year-old, and your profession is "former NBA dancer."  I just want to know more about her.  How long did you dance?  Couldn't have been that long if you got pregnant at 18 or 19.  And what do you do now?  Who supports you and your son?  So many questions, I hope that we get some answers!
Well, that's all I've got for now.  Perhaps next week will actually see some real drama/action?  Or more girls complaining about one-on-one time... We shall see!

Monday, January 20, 2014

The New Bachelor: Juan Pablo (and Why I Don't Care)

Loyal fans have noticed that I have been unusually quiet this season of The Bachelor.  In fact, I told myself that I would not even blog at all, in protest of Juan Pablo as Bachelor.  It's not that I don't like him- I think he truly is a great guy.  I just think he is NOT a good choice as far as Bachelors go.  I know, I know, I have said this before, and my last post even goes off on Des as the worst Bachelorette (but I mean, she was...).  But truthfully, there are a lot of reasons why even after 2 episodes, I know this will not work out, and therefore I just don't care.  Or maybe it's just because I'm pregnant and therefore can't watch this season with a glass (or 3) of wine, which always made me so much snarkier!  Regardless, let me explain my distaste for this season...

First of all, why does ABC keep choosing single parents to be the Bachelor/ette?!?!?  It is a HORRIBLE idea.  Yeah yeah, it's so endearing to see them as a loving parent and to see the adorable child who just wants a stepmother/father, but really, it's not going to work.  Now, I have never been a single parent, so I guess I don't KNOW this, but I think it is kind of important for a potential spouse to get to know the child before they like, get engaged.  And that NEVER happens on the Bachelor/ette. Not to mention, a lot of these ladies have children of their own- which is FINE, but in order to make a family, it is probably important that all the adults and children spend a lot of time together before making any big decisions about marriage.  And this is NOT how ABC dating shows work- the last one standing always gets a proposal, and they see where it goes from there.  Unless they take the time to blend families in advance, I worry that it will not work out.  Maybe that's just me...

Next, Juan Pablo is too mature to make for a dramatic show.  Yes, this is a wonderful quality that makes me like him, but it makes for bad TV.  Even in the second episode, it was clear that Juan Pablo does not have time to deal with drama queens, and knows that he needs a good mother rather than a 24-year old train wreck.  Again, this is very admirable and shows his maturity/overall character, but it will not make for good TV.  If he maturely dismisses every woman who acts like a child or a drama queen, who will audiences get to hate on??  Nobody.  And what will we do without a Courtney or Tierra to constantly bash?? 

Aside from all that, I think ABC's biggest mistake was choosing him in the first place, because they clearly chose him to make the show more "diverse."  Yup, I said it.  They have been under fire for SO long for only focusing on white people, that they needed someone who may branch out a bit.  Oh Juan Pablo, he is Latino, he has a sexy accent, and he will definitely go for more diverse women... Sure.  Okay, it may be the fact that I am bitter that my favorite from last season, Chris, unfortunately ended up with that undeserving loser Des and therefore was unable to be the next Bachelor, because honestly, wouldn't he just be PERFECT?!  But still, ABC picked Juan Pablo to be diverse, and I am pretty sure it is STILL not going to work.  I mean, the most diverse/ethnically-interesting woman this season, Sharleen (I mean really, what race is she???), already ruined their plan by NOT EVEN BEING INTERESTED IN HIM.  Clearly once producers had a chat with her after night one, she started to at least feign interest in episode 2, but come on, she's not feeling it- don't make her stick around just to prove you aren't lacking in diversity.  Their whole purpose in choosing him has failed, and they know it.

All this being said, I HAVE still been watching the show, and fully intend to keep watching (what else am I going to do on Monday nights?).  So far, we have seen one crazy breakdown, and a lot of boring, nice girls.  Here are some noteworthy contestants:

Andi: Probably my favorite, even though she got kind of annoying about the whole going nude in a photo shoot thing.  But I am pretty sure it was a ploy to get Juan's attention, and I am down with that.  But she is pretty and fun and would make a good mom.

Kelly: So is your job to a be a professional dog-lover??  Is it because you kind of look like a dog??  I just don't get why Juan is even interested- what is she even bringing to his life?? It's weird.

Lucy: The Free Spirit.  Whyyyyy is he keeping her around, other than the fact that the producers want SOMEONE kind of crazy.  She is clearly not wife/mother-material, and I am over the overexposure.  Please, producers, let him send her on her way.

Renee:  She is the obvious choice, and in a normal dating situation, I think would be perfect.  Also a mom, and totally acts like everyone's mom on the show.  But since their families won't have time to meet/mesh before the impending proposal finale, it's likely not going to work out.  But I do like her.

Sharleen: Again, I think it's hilarious that she is clearly the producer's choice, but has no interest.  She is definitely the most sincere and down-to-earth, but it won't work because she doesn't want it to work.  But it is going to be fun watching her be forced to stick around...

ABC's picks for a future step-mother... (ABC)

So there you have it.  My thoughts on Juan Pablo and the ladies to this point.  Due to high demand, I WILL keep blogging, at least at points throughout the season, but again, without the wine, my weekly posts may not be as interesting!  But I am sure everyone will soon realize that I am right on one thing- regardless of the sexy accent and the hot bod, Juan Pablo will NOT be an entertaining Bachelor, and people will likely be disappointed by this season. But who knows, maybe I will be wrong on this one...  We shall see!