Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Week 1 Recap: "Drunk Girls Are Getting Roses"

Another Bachelor season is upon us and lucky for you, I am back!  How could I pass up the opportunity to offer my commentary on Prince Farming’s quest for love?  Not only is the show back, but we get to kick the season off with a ridiculously unnecessary 3-hour premiere, complete with all of our favorite Bachelor “celebs” on a red carpet.  Wow.

Thankfully the actual show is interspersed with the Bachelor family reunion, and I am wondering if I am just getting older/wiser, or if the producers are making this show more ridiculous every season.  Seriously, this is by FAR the cheesiest intro in Bachelor history.  It’s like they are making a mockery of themselves. Or maybe I just cannot relate to the farmer lifestyle.  But really, will these 25 (excuse me, 30…) women be able to?

So after an hour of bullshitting on the “red carpet” it is finally time to meet the ladies.  Can’t wait to see what they have scrounged up for this Iowa man.  Because doesn’t everyone want to move to the middle of nowhere with someone they’ve only ever seen on TV?  Well after the first limo I am wondering if they only picked psychos for this season… is that his type? Because these girls are all CRAY so far.  We’ve got a 45 second hugger and a freak with a fake heart.  And this crazy bitch who changed clothes.  Hmm. Winners.

And really, why are almost all of these girls either dancers or athletes? Or waitresses I guess. Is that really his type, because he apparently needed to fly Cody out to help him “train” for the show.  Or is it just that they need girls who can up and move to become housewives in Iowa?  Have any of these women been real professionals yet?  Or have I just missed them? 

So once 15 girls are there, Chris comes in the house.  And the girls are FREAKING out that there are only 15 there.  Where are the other limos???  There are usually at least 25!!!! What is happening???? Where are all the other girls???? 

Meanwhile, Crazy Eyes admits to being the secret admirer, a nurse brings up hog insemination, and the girls continue to freak out.  Finally Chris Harrison breaks the news that he has tricked everyone.  HAHA.  Gotcha!  15 more women are coming!  And we are all shocked!

Finally “the Others” arrive and the original girls act like total high school bitches and shun them. I mean, weren’t you expecting this the whole time??   In other news, if this is the MAJOR SURPRISE/plot twist that the previews hinted at, that is bullshit.  Because this is nothing new, or exciting. Nice try, ABC.

Once the SIXTH limo arrives, girls are freaking out!!!  Gimmicks start to get ridiculously cheesy and I hate everyone so far.  I guess Onion Girl is pretty entertaining at least, since she is clearly freaking nuts.  Not to mention how wasted these girls are getting after hours in the house surrounded by booze.  Wow.

Drink up, ladies!
Chris finally gives out the first impression rose to one of the original crazies, Britt, and they even share their first kiss. ALREADY.  This Hollywood waitress.  She is going to make such a good wife and mother.  Apparently this is love at first sight for both of them, and I guess we should just end the show now.   He found the one!  It’s over!

But alas, I guess we need a rose ceremony after all.  But at last, we finally find out what is so shocking at the ceremony- one of the girls is so sloppy drunk right now that she is about to pass the eff out during the ceremony.  This. Is. Hilarious.  Apparently Chris doesn’t think it’s so amusing since he has to abruptly exit the room, but I can’t get enough.  But good old Tara gets a rose anyway, along with some other stumblers. And girls are like, “Drunk girls are getting roses’” what the Hell?!?  Did they stock the house with extra booze this season or what, because there really are a LOT of waste cases tonight. 

So, moral of the story from tonight: Chris loves girls with tattoos and crazy drunks who love onions, but NOT crazy eyes.

Can’t wait to see what happens next week when one of the girls SHOCKINGLY tries to convince Chris to take her back… Should be thrilling as always… ‘Til then…

No comments:

Post a Comment