Monday, January 26, 2015

Week 4 Recap: "Possessed, Crazy, and Totally Out of It"

This week will be a very exciting change for us, because the girls are going all natural! Since they definitely don't all wear a ton of makeup and fake hair extensions and fake you name it. Chris wants to be in his element, so for his first group date, he takes all these bikini-clad sluts to a lake to get half naked! And the girls are loving it. Oh, except for Kelsey.  She is hating her life. She HATES this stupid lake with these stupid girls and these stupid fake smiles. And then she gets stung by a bee! And to top it off, they find out they will be camping here overnight! Kelsey's own personal hell is going to last all night long. Boy, I wonder what is going to happen in Chris's giant tent that is conveniently 5 feet away from the girls' tents... You really set that one up for scandal, producers!

Meanwhile, Chris's sisters come to the house to meet some of the girls and choose the one on one dater.  Of course, Jillian is in fine form as she happens to be passed out in her butt-revealing swimsuit when they arrive. The sisters will definitely pick her to marry into their family!  So they have some alone time with each of the girls at the house, and it will be nice for Chris to get some good female advice so he stops picking these party bimbos.

So the sister's chosen date card arrives and the date goes to Jade. I'm like, who is she? I feel like we don't know her at all. So maybe we will finally get to know her?? Apparently she is going on a princess date and it will be a surprise for Chris... Will he even know who she is when she arrives??

Back at the campsite, Onion Ashley is at it again! Finally, all she needed was some liquor, and the crazy is back out.  She dances around singing nonsense songs as the other girls bitch about how fake Kelsey is being. Yeah, Ashley I., KELSEY is the fake one... Looked in the mirror lately?  Crazy Ashley has some time with Chris and as Kaitlyn says, she is "possessed, crazy, and totally out of it all at the same time."  Yeah. She is big time nuts.  Who even knows what she is saying? Next, all-natural Ashely decides to show Chris who she really is, aka puts on more mascara and lipstick and makes out with him.  She is so real! Kaitlyn gets the rose, even though by that time she is admittedly drunk, and Ashley I. is shocked!  She needs to show him her virgin ways by sneaking into his tent late at night.  Doesn't he know that she is actually innocent deep down, even though she looks like a total slut on the outside?  She tries to explain her virginity subtly while Chris is half asleep, but he justifiably has no clue what is going on.  Maybe later on she can set the record straight...

The next morning, Jade is preparing for her princess date and all the girls think it's cute.  Except Ashley I.  She is beyond jealous. And mad.  All she wants to do is go on a date dressed up like a princess! If the sisters knew that, they would have picked her!  Nobody appreciates this like she would!  These other girls are PISSED that they don't get pampered with a fairy godmother, and I'm like, wait. Aren't you supposed to be here to fall in love with Chris?? Why do you need all the fancy stuff to be happy? Hmm. 

They start their Cinderella date, once Chris figures out who she is, and it's so romantic, blah blah, who cares. God, she is boring.  Back at the house, it is much more entertaining, as Ashley I. sits alone eating corn on the cob in her fancy princess dress and hair and make up.  This bitch is crazy and needs to go.  Jade gets the rose and this painful date ends and I'm like please get back to the Kaitlyns of the competition!  At least that is fun to watch!

The last date card arrives and it sends 6 girls, in wedding dresses, to a private jet.  What is this fancy occasion??  Surprise! They are at a dirty competition and Jillian is relieved.  She is ready to fight again! I like that this is for a good cause, but why do they have to ruin these expensive wedding dresses?  Seems wasteful.  Maybe they could have donated their wedding dress budget to MS instead...  Just saying.  So of course Jillian wins, blah, and I do not want to see them on a one on one date... She is so wrong for him it isn't even funny.  So far 1 for 3 on good dates tonight...  Shockingly, this date does not go well, since Jillian cannot stop talking about competitions and Chris starts to think only about unicorns and fairies.  Please do not give her a rose.  Chris is trying so hard to be nice an diplomatic about this, but this is so uncomfortable.  He decides to try to let her down easy, and she cries and whatnot, but I am so glad this happened.  She is entertaining, but it's time to get serious, Chris!
Worst date idea ever...
Finally it is cocktail party time and I can't wait for the major tears to come out.  Chris gets a huge shock when Ashley I. reveals her virginal truth, and he allegedly respects her more for it, but in reality he is like, no way in hell this skankily dressed girl is that innocent.  And now he won't make moves on her anymore! WTF, I told you I was innocent, so make out with me!  So it then comes out that Becca is also a virgin and I'm like, is this what Chris requested to the producers?? Wow.  Plus now I am wondering which of these girls will be the virgin who goes to the fantasy suite, because frankly, I am not really a fan of either.

Later on, Britt questions Chris on his integrity, and why he keeps choosing Kaitlyn when she just talks about inappropriate things and sex.  Chris is put on the spot and super uncomfortable and eventually just walks away from the conversation.  He does NOT want to be questioned because he IS here to meet his wife, but of course we are all supposed to worry about Britt going home now.  Ugh, this just makes me like Chris less and Britt more.  

The rose ceremony begins and Chris keeps choosing these DUDS.  Why are all of these random lame-o girls being kept around??  Ashley I. gets a rose, THANK GOD, and life can go on for her.  The final rose goes to Britt, and it turns out she is staying after all.  Shock.  At least he sends home 3 girls, including Onion Ashley (finally) and the poor sad widow. 

Apparently next week is going to involve some scandalous dirty-doings, and some MAJOR acting by Kelsey.  I am anxious to see what this is about, because I have been trying to like Kelsey, but it looks like next week might change that... Can't wait to find out!  Til then...

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