Monday, January 12, 2015

Week 2 Recap: The Drunken Shenanigans Continue

Well another dramatic week is upon us, starting with eliminated Kimberly trying to weasel her way back into the competition.  But all I can think is, why is it light outside?!?  Is it daytime now? Did they literally spend the ENTIRE night at the cocktail party/rose ceremony and now it's morning??  Because that sure explains why Tara was about to pass out a little while ago- I would too if I were up drinking/throwing myself at a man until sunrise.  Someone needs to explain this please.

Anyway, Chris lets this bitch come back and the other girls are NOT okay with this.  He is breaking all the rules!  We do not need another girl here!

So in case we were wondering, Chris Harrison lets us know that there ARE no rules this season and in fact, Chris is living right down the driveway so... feel free to visit him whenever you want... hint hint.  AKA, this is NO Sean Lowe, there is going to be some scandalous stuff this season and we love it!

Well the first date begins and it's a little pool party with the lucky first 6 women!  So glad that Chris did so much training with Cody so his bod is acceptable to the ladies.  Oh and apparently they aren't just swimming, they will be tractor riding in bikinis through downtown LA.  So this is what Chris is into... okay.
Bringing the class, Chris...

Meanwhile, two wasted bitches spend their day at home sneaking into and exploring Chris's little house, and apparently Jillian is barely wearing a bikini bottom because that whole area needs to be blurred... But really, how much alcohol is in this house this season?!? Because so far there are a LOT of wasted girls. All the time.

So the group date turns into a one-on-one as Chris takes Mackenzie away to be alone.  Has anyone else realized that she is 21??  I'm sorry, does she want to get engaged to a guy she just met right now?  Because all I know is that when I was 21, I was NOT trying to do that.  So, is she really the right choice for you, Chris?  Just saying.  You may want to consider these things.  Unsurprisingly, their date conversation is insanely immature (SHE IS 21) and Chris might just be figuring out that this is not the girl.  But apparently this chick has a one-year old son, which she admits to Chris, who is so nice that he has to like her for her single mom status.  So I guess now we know why she is there- she needs someone to support them, since she is clearly too immature to handle it herself.  She gets a rose and a kiss and I'm over her already.

For the first real one-on-one, Chris picks Megan, who is either always wasted or is just a total moron.  Either way, great catch!  If Chris's type is really these immature party-girl morons, then this season is not going to be my favorite.  Might as well quit now.  Anyway, they take a helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon, which I won't lie, is pretty cool.  I wonder if she even knows what state she is in right now?  But, of course this girl also has a sob story so we can't hate her, and Chris can never send her home because he is too nice.  They also kiss, and his count is already up to 3.  How many more before the end of this episode, I wonder... So she gets a rose, blah blah, and so far I am less than impressed.

So the last date card sends another group to a haunted house-type place for a zombie hunt or something.  Shockingly, another dumbass/waste-case is among us.  Good old Onion Ashley cannot comprehend the concept and will likely end up shooting her teammate, or herself, in the face with a paint ball.  I hope it's the latter. 

Back at home, more shit-faced girls are twerking against the wall, and wasted, wine-glass toting Jordan informs us about Jillian's butt hair.  Is that why they keep having to blur out her butt/crotch area?? At least these drunk girls are entertaining and informative!  I just keep thinking, is that what Chris asked for?!?  Because I just can't see them being all that serious. 

So, Chris has some alone time and I actually kind of like Kaitlyn.  And guess what?  She gets a kiss too!  Shock. But unfortunately that time is overshadowed by psycho Ashley crawling on the ground and sputtering nonsense.  Chris is way too nice and can't admit that she is freaking crazy.  Instead he implies that he will deal with this nut tomorrow, but I can't believe she is still here.  Finally Chris gets more time with Britt, who is clearly going to win since he obviously likes her the most already, but just to be fair he gives Kaitlyn the rose. I mean he has to at least make it LOOK like someone else might win this.

Finally the cocktail party arrives- can't wait to see how many more girls he kisses in week 2!  It comes out that Ashley I. is a virgin, and according to Mackenzie, this is the greatest thing that could possibly happen and she is beyond jealous.  A) How is this possible?  She is so hot.  and B) Is this really true that Chris will keep her longer because of this?  So then she has a hard core, like intense, make-out session with Chris and I'm wondering if she is telling the truth.  Next, Chris kisses Amber when she goes in for it.  Then drunk Jordan decides she wants in but ends up being a bit too wasted to make it happen.  Even though she was wearing lipstick and everything!

The rose ceremony gets ultra exciting when Chris calls Juelia, and Jillian walks up, stops short, and falls on the carpet.  She does eventually get a rose of her own, as do all these girls who I don't even remember.  Chris ends up getting rid of some of the drunk girls like Tara and Jordan, but he keeps CRAZY ASHLEY.  I hope this is some sick joke, because if he is serious... what the heck is wrong with him?  Why is his type crazy bitches?  This season is definitely going to end well!  Can't wait to see what idiotic decisions he makes next week! Until then...

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