Monday, May 18, 2015

The Bachelorette Week 1 Recap: Trophy Wife or Wife?

I have been a bit torn about even watching this season, but my fans were calling to me! In case you haven't heard, the Bachelor producers have made the worst decision in Bachelor history (or wait, maybe choosing Juan Pablo as the Bachelor was worse?).  The dumbasses at ABC couldn't choose for themselves, so the MEN are choosing between Britt and Kaitlyn to be the Bachelorette.  I just want to start by saying that I wouldn't have chosen EITHER of these women as the Bachelorette.  (I was really hoping for Michelle Money, or even Clare!  I know, I know, they are totally Paradise material instead...).  Regardless, how unfair is it that a woman isn't even in control on the Bachelorette?? Isn't this supposed to be a girl-power show where women actually get to pick and take charge?  But instead, it's in the men's hands yet again.  Thanks, ABC.  And oh by the way, this is NOT going to be "up to the men" like they are implying.  CLEARLY the producers intentionally cast the men to swing the way they want.  Why put us through the charade?  Just pick and let us have a normal season!

 I have thought a fair amount (more than I would like to admit) about which woman I think will win the position of Bachelorette.  I do NOT want Britt to win, so of course I assume she will.  Britt is so freaking fake, loves girl drama and crying, and is clearly NOT going to stay with the man who proposes to her.  On the other hand, Kaitlyn is real, funny, and would probably be able to find real love.  But Britt is probably the sexier choice to the men, which means they will pick her.  I mean, what organ do you really think the men are choosing with...?  I guess there is nothing else to do but sit back and watch the shit-show unfold!

They decide to start by introducing some of the men, and I'm like, oh yeah, is this season even about picking a guy? Because all I can think about is choosing the woman. The first man introduced looks nice, but has a 5 year old son- I'm sorry, which of these women looks like she is ready to be a step-mother?  Good pick, producers.  And why do we think strippers and musicians are going to make the best husbands? And why are we looking for another Chris Soules- clearly that didn't work.  In related news, why are NONE of these men up to the attractiveness level of either of the girls?  Really.  So. Many. Uggos.  And both the girls are so hot. My vapid self is about to give up on this show just for that reason.  (OKAY except maybe the runner with the sob story).

Finally it's time for the awkward to begin!  Apparently when the guys get out of the limo they will need pick which girl they want to go greet first, and the girls will overhear each other's convos. So. That's not uncomfortable. What happens when Britt gets chosen and there are guys around who picked Kaitlyn first... I guess they won't last long?  Isn't this going to be super weird if one of the final guys didn't initially pick the Bachelorette...?  Yes. The answer is yes. Britt is really super excited and happy about this and can't stop smiling, and Kaitlyn is understandably super weirded out and unhappy. This makes me hope even more that Britt loses.  Wipe that stupid smile off her face! So either they are editing it this way, or every guy really is going to talk to Britt first, and poor Kaitlyn is feeling neglected and uncomfortable. And yes, this is incredibly awkward. I really just want them to pick and get on with the season- I can't even focus on the guys, which is usually the best part!! Finally the hot runner gives Kaitlyn some confidence and it seems like a limo full of Kaitlyn-fans arrives, and things are starting to look up! Some guys even brought gifts for Kaitlyn and poor Britt boo-hoos about it. Maybe they don't all love her!

After a few more guys, Kaitlyn has the balls to leave her post and run into the house to say a quick hello to the guys! Ugh, this is not playing by the rules... so unfair. Ugh. You cannot show your personality!  Tonight was supposed to be purely a beauty contest and Britt was supposed to win!

Meanwhile, some of the guys in the house, mainly Ryan, are getting a little toasted as they wait.  This guy Shawn (amateur sex coach?) rolls up in a car hot tub, and waste case Ryan starts heckling him. Kaitlyn decides the drunko should get the Worst Impression Rose... And finally this dentist rolls up in a car(?) shaped like a cupcake.  I can admit, never seen that on this show before! I won't lie, this wasn't as awkward as I anticipated, and I actually think Kaitlyn has a chance. But I will maintain my assertion that this is a pretty lame group of men (with a few exceptions).

Finally the ladies get a chance to meet with the guys, and they are both making major connections and are both feeling really comfortable. Until Chris Harrison arrives riding his triceratops waving his wild rose in the air. Oh wait that was just a portrait one of the men drew (amazing btw). The voting room opens and things get a bit real, but resident healer/crazy Tony is still feeling some positive energy and some nice pulsating from Britt's box (no really, that's a true story) and is able to make his choice easily. In other news, is anyone else hoping that this comes down to a tie with Blackout Ryan as the deciding vote, but he is too passed out to be able to decide? Because that would be amazing. Does belligerently throwing the rose at the girl's portrait count as voting for her? After a few hours of shenanigans, Chris Harrison sends him home packing, but what about his vote?!?

In other news, does anyone else feel like every conversation Britt has is the fakest thing you've ever heard? I just feel like she is saying everything she is "supposed" to say, and Kaitlyn is actually super real. But the votes are in, so it is time for the big reveal...

EXCEPT NOT. Because, are you freaking kidding me, we have to wait until tomorrow to find out which girl wins.  I HATE YOU BACHELORETTE. I guess we will tune in tomorrow to decide if we are going to keep watching the rest of the season or not... wow, can't wait... I guess we will see, FINALLY, tomorrow. Til then!

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