Monday, March 2, 2015

Women Tell All Recap: I Thought We Were All Friends!

Tonight looks like it will be prove to be the most dramatic Women Tell All ever (or so ABC has been hyping it). But I won't lie, these women are so freaking crazy and emotional, that this will definitely be nuts. PLUS, Chris is probably the LEAST articulate Bachelor ever (maybe even worse than Juan Pablo- at least he had a language excuse), so his attempts to bring any of the girls closure should be pretty entertaining.  Here's some highlights, in case you missed a minute!

Britt confronts Carly about her lack of friendship: "Why did you pretend to be my best friend, Carly???  We listened to music together!"  Chris Harrison decides that he cannot handle simple in-seat bickering so he just goes ahead and invites Britt up to the couch with him.  Let's do this, Britt!  Why did everyone act so nice and like they were friends in the house and then talk bad about her??? Cue a TON of side yelling and bickering and Jillian attacking Carly for being insecure and mean. Hey now, do NOT knock Carly. She is like my imaginary bestie.  In other news, Chris Harrison has to whistle at Jillian when she gets "a little jacked up" and we all die of joy a little bit.  Carly has a chance to clarify everything she said and told Chris, which according to Britt was all based on hate and taking things out of context.  The girls were demonizing her and she would still be on the show if not for Carly!  After 20 minutes of painful yelling, Chris H. finally says agree to disagree, and all of our lives go on.  In other news, for such a pretty girl, Britt is quite an ugly crier.  And a pretty good actress.

Kelsey confronts the "Black Widow" claims: Well, it only takes 12 seconds for her to bring up her husband dying and how she feels like she is grieving all over again.  But really.  How sickening that she just compared her husband's death to being eliminated from a reality show. Wow.  Apparently all Kelsey wants is to be accepted by these women.  She does not feel like she is better than them, okay?  (This is a very well-rehearsed speech, BTW).  Finally the ladies get to attack her, and Megan says the most coherent thing she's said all season- that if Kelsey is still grieving, why did she come on a game show?  But really.  Juelia (who also lost her husband) feels totally insulted that Kelsey used this story as a game ploy, and we are ALL in agreement with the other ladies.  Kelsey asks for forgiveness and Ashley I. pretty much laughs at her face, and I seriously am obsessed with Ashley's expressive faces.  Can't get enough of these reactions! The moral of the story is, Kelsey is effing crazy, lost a loved one, handled herself poorly on TV, and is someone that I would NEVER want to encounter in real life.  Talk about obnoxious.  Finally we move on, and not a moment too soon.

Ashley Onion explains herself:  Chris Harrison calls her one of his favorite women ever, and she brings him an onion (that she apparently has now started growing on her own).  I was really hoping that Ashley would turn out to be totally normal, but either she really is effing NUTS, or she is putting on some kind of impressive act.  After some bizarre conversation and rambling, Chris H. invites her to be on Bachelor in Paradise, and I DIE.  PLEASE.  That would be the best thing to happen to that show since Clare.  Times a million.  Man I would love to see that, as would the rest of the world. 

Jade discusses the X-Rated secret: Apparently Chris has been talking crap on his blog, because he's sharing his thoughts about Jade with the world, rather than with Jade.  Which... yeah, is messed up.  As we could all guess, Chris was uneasy about how "wild" her family said she was, and I'm sure the photos didn't help.  Other than that, the interview was, shock, boring, and nothing new was learned.  Next.

Kaitlyn rips Chris a new one: So, apparently Chris completely led her on and made her feel 100% confident that she would be getting a rose that day.  But I mean, duh, Chris is so nice and can't make up his mind, so it doesn't surprise me that he acted that way.  She admits to being blindsided and says she is still heartbroken, and she actually seems really genuine about it.  Kaitlyn calls Chris out on his stumbling around on his words instead of explaining to her why he had sent her home.  And Chris responds by... stumbling around on his words and... uh... explaining how hard it was?  She confronts him for making her stand through the rose ceremony instead of giving her the courtesy to have a private chat like he gave to Becca.  Seriously!  Chris tries to articulate some kind of answer, but all he knows is that he, uh... in that instance... uh, did the best he could.  But really, why do all these women want to be with him?  He can't even formulate a coherent thought.  They must be really desperate for some farmer lovin'.  Move on Kaitlyn, you can do better!

Chris talks Britt & Jade off the ledge: Can we talk about how Britt starts crying the second Chris walks out there?  Stop.  Give me a break and get over it.  She gives him like a 5 minute hug and holds his hand, and explains that it was all Carly's fault, but it's all good now.  Is she still vying for his heart?  The show is over, Britt.  She gushes to Chris about how wonderful he is, and Chris H. ushers her back to her seat.  That's enough, Britt.  Jade also needs to come up to the couch to talk, and Chris looks beyond uncomfortable.  Jade is upset that Chris called the Playboy situation "awkward" (and it was.), and he explains that, sorry, it was, and that's how I felt.  Sorry.  Move on.  Man, if only she didn't have such a wild side, I feel like she could have been the one!  Oh well.

The Big Excitement: You know this is a lame season of contestants when the "big announcement" tonight is that Chris Harrison wrote a book that is coming out in May!  (Is it bad that I totally want to read it?)  PLUS, we get scenes from next week's big finale, coming to us from... Iowa!  Can't wait to see the CRAZY ending that we would never expect in a million years!  Until then...

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