Monday, June 15, 2015

Week 5 Recap: We Get It, You Hate Nick.

Well, well, well. Tonight, Nick officially joins the cast, and all the guys are SO HAPPY about it! Oh wait, actually they just stare him down in awkward silence and grill him about his history with Bachelorettes. Why were you hanging out with Andi a few weeks ago and now you are here to hang out with Kaitlyn??? Geez you Bachelorette whore! Nick insists that he just wanted to meet this girl, okay! But even though you've been talking for months, you had to wait until she was... on TV to meet her...? Nick puts on his most sincere face, which coincidentally is also the face of a total douche, but the guys don't buy it. Do I? We'll find out.

Oh by the way, I almost forgot there is a rose ceremony tonight, since we had a cliff hanger last week. Shoot! All this talk about Nick that I can't even remember who any of the other guys are! (Nick's plan is working already...) So the rose ceremony takes place on a pro baseball field, which of course is so romantic.  JJ starts off the alone time and Kaitlyn is having a great time- Did we all just forget about the whole JJ-Clint romance situation??? Remember how that happened?? Or did the Nick thing just take priority in the drama department? In other news, Shawn, who we considered a front runner, is totally taken aback by Nick's arrival. His guard is all the way back up already, and admits to Kaitlyn that he thinks Nick is full of shit and that he is starting to doubt everything. What is Kaitlyn going to do?? They have a super strong connection, but it seems like it is becoming Nick or Shawn. Better make a good choice- it's only your future!

The rose ceremony takes place outside on the field, and by the way- it is New York in the winter, and none of the guys get to wear coats. WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS? They are literally all like freezing to death. With one rose left, Nick is still without one, and the suspense is killing us! And wow, surprise surprise, Nick gets the final rose. DUH. Why would she bring him on the show and immediately eliminate him? The guys of course are all pissed, but luckily 3 more (who shouldn't have still been there anyway) are sent home. Unfortunately, the episode continues to be all about Nick, and I can't be the only one tired of The Nick Show already. WE GET IT. Nick is here. Move on.

The guys head to San Antonio, TX this week, which I bet is the perfect place to fall in love. The first date of the week goes to Ben H., who I am pretty sure I like. They are going to learn how to do the two-step dance, which is just like being in a relationship! A perfect way to fall in love. This is actually a dance competition, against real Texans, so, they obviously don't win, but Ben is actually super adorable. I actually feel like he should not be with Kaitlyn- like, he is too good for her. I'm already thinking next Bachelor for this one... Later on in the night, Kaitlyn forces him to open up and tell her (and America) things he has never told anyone. He needs to spill every detail about his past love life NOW or he will be sent home! Here's the thing. I get the sense that Kaitlyn doesn't actually care about all this deep sharing crap, but she just assumes, oh it's the Bachelorette, so the guys are supposed to open up to me on every date or else. Like, I feel like she is just doing what you are "supposed to do" as Bachelorette instead of being real. Which is why this will not work out for her, sorry! Anyway, he gets the rose, okokok moving on.

The group date this week includes Nick, and the guys are all soooo thankful that he doesn't get a one-on-one. Yeah, screw him. The guys are going to be writing and performing a Mariachi song for Kaitlyn, and an adorable little 12 year old is tutoring them. Pretty cute. The guys get all dressed up in Mariachi gear, and there is a whole audience there waiting to see the performances. The guys do a great job, except for Ian who just chokes. Again. He used to be one of my favorites, but I am kind of over it with Ian. He's not really taking any of this like a man... Last up, Nick takes Kaitlyn up to the balcony and does a cute performance, and most of the guys are kind of over the problem with him. Except Joshua, who apparently is still fuming about Nick's existence. So this ought to be good!

Later on, Joshua decides he needs to prove how much he trusts Kaitlyn by letting her give him a new haircut. And she pretty much destroys it... good plan, Josh! This ridiculous haircut will definitely make everyone forget about the whole Nick thing! Nick knows not to waste time with haircuts- he needs to use his time more wisely! Like by making out with Kaitlyn the entire time they are together. Sounds like a good plan to me. Anyway, even with the haircut, Josh just cannot get over this Nick situation, and it's getting a little repetitive. We get it. You don't trust Nick. You don't like him. Guess what, she is not going to pick you, so stop wasting your energy on this!

Well Joshua just cannot give this up- he takes Kaitlyn for more alone time, to talk about his ill feelings towards Nick. He explains that everyyyyy guy in the house dislikes him, but then why is every other guy saying they DO like him??? Because nobody else is trying to create drama about an issue that doesn't concern them! Kaitlyn actually seems to buy into his crap, and she believes him that every other guy is lying except Joshua. OR maybe Joshua is the effing crazy one who is creating ridiculous drama out of nothing! Kaitlyn takes Joshua back to the whole group, and calls him out on his accusations in front of all the guys. The other guys literally could not care less at this point, but Joshua refuses to go down alone. He tries to throw every other guy under the bus, when in reality he is the ONLY one who cares and is making up stories. In the midst of all the bullshit, Kaitlyn decides to say eff you to everyone and gives Nick the group date rose. I was really hoping she would just send Joshua hope right then and there, but no, we still get more of his crap. And now Kaitlyn is going to be drawn even further to Nick, just to spite them all. Great job, Joshua!

The final one-on-one date goes to Shawn, which I am excited about, but also a bit worried. They have a great connection, but I fear that he is going to blow this by making things all about the Nick issue. Please just focus on your OWN relationship! They go kayaking down the River Walk, and they actually have a good conversation, not revolving around Nick. So this could be good! Shawn finally opens up and shares his sob story about almost dying in a car crash, and it makes them so much closer- thank goodness he is alive to be here! Apparently he wants to waste no more time in his life, and already tells Kaitlyn that he is falling in love with her. AND she tells him that she feels the same way. GEEZ. Just end the show here and now and get married! There are still 12 guys there, and I am worried that other drama could mess this up, but at this point things seem good for them... And I approve.

Meanwhile back at the house, Ian bemoans the fact that he isn't Kaitlyn's top choice. Even though he came in here obsessed with her, he decides that actually, she is not interesting and he doesn't even like her. He toots his own horn a bit and explains that he is a CATCH and usually has no problem getting women- if only he was the Bachelor with 25 options, everything would be great. So, officially Ian has become the biggest douche in the house- that even beats out Nick! He is ready to make his "last stand" tonight- we are at The Alamo after all (I know that because I want to Princeton, and I am a former model, and I survived an accident, and I am overall the greatest person alive.)

The time for the cocktail party arrives, and I'm like, why hasn't Joshua gotten his hair fixed yet??? There has to be someone in San Antonio who could have fixed that in the last few days. Come on. Kaitlyn starts the night off with a little toast about honesty, and Jared is the first to be honest by telling her that he is falling in love with her. All of these guys putting it out there so early on! Later on, Ian continues to get more and more pissed off about this situation. Clearly he prefers situations where he is surrounded by other women, NOT men. He is used to being with women even hotter than Kaitlyn and having a lot of sex, and this is NOT the situation he wants. As he says, I'm a gift that you unwrap for life. That about sums it up. So during their alone time, Ian calls her out on being shallow and superficial, and questions all of her intentions on just wanting to make out with dudes on TV. And before we can get Kaitlyn's reaction... of course, To Be Continued. Because what else is new?

Next week we will see Ian leave, duh, and maybe someone else will get sent home too. PLUS... NEXT WEEK IS THE SEX SCANDAL! I cannot wait to see who it is! At this point, my guess would be Jared, Nick, or Shawn, but the previews make it look like Shawn is angry, so it could be either way. I will DEFINITELY be tuning in next week, hope you do too! Until then...

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