Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Week 5 Recap Part 2: "We Have a Tierrarist on Our Hands"

The 2-night event continues and we all hope that Sean will be able to pick himself back up from the dark place he was in last night...  but I have a feeling this episode will be even more drama-packed!  Sean takes the ladies to Canada for yet another outdoors-inspired trip. Has Sean mentioned that he loves the outdoors?  Tonight we have 2 one-on-one dates and 1 group date- I hope he picks me for the one-on-one!! I need that time with Sean!!

The first date of the night goes to Catherine.  She is cute and fun, and I think I actually like her.  I don't predict that she will win, but I enjoy seeing them together.  Sean picks her up for the date on a giant snow bus- in fact, he is driving- and she sits behind him... how romantic.  They head out to play on a glacier and Sean is hoping that these tundra conditions are ideal for making an intimate connection.  Hmmm.  They both insist that they are having a great time, though I'm just saying, I don't know how much I would enjoy being outside for hours in a blizzard, even if it was with my one true love.  Maybe I am weak.  Or cynical.  Alas.  Finally they head to dinner on a horse-drawn carriage and arrive at an ice castle.  Seriously Sean, it is freezing outside!  Am I the only one who is shivering just watching this??  Plus, how are you supposed to look hot and slutty when you are bundled up in a parka?  The date goes on and Catherine tells us a ridiculously depressing story about her friend being killed by a tree falling right in front of her at age 12.  Why do they all have these stories about the horrifying life-changing events that they have been through?!  It must be a requirement in the screening process.  Sean appreciates the story and admits that he is crazy about her, and she gets the rose.  Drama-free and adorable- I wish Sean would just go for someone normal like Catherine!  Nah, that would just be too easy. 

The group date invitation arrives at the house and Daniella finds out that she will not be going on the one-on-one date.  Honey, it's because you are the next to be eliminated... Sorry to break it to you, but he is only keeping you around because you're blond and hot.  Seven girls are heading on the date and I am just in suspense about this near-death trauma that Tierra is about to experience!  Sean takes the girls on an exhilarating and challenging date on a lake.  The first part of the date is to canoe across the lake, and it seems like one girl needs to go in Sean's canoe, so Lesley jumps on it. Nice work, Lesley!  Sean likes a girl that takes initiative!  Of course the other bitches are spiteful, but maybe next time they'll figure out how this game works.  All the girls make it across, and Sean has one more surprise- they are all going to take the Polar Bear Plunge!  This is my nightmare.  But as Sean says, "you only live once" (YOLO?).  These girls are already freezing and nobody wants to do this... but I guess if you are desperate for a rose... The doctors warn the girls about hypothermia, and I wonder who is going to end up with that?? Selma tells Sean that she comes from the desert and she will die if she does it, but Sean ensures her that he won't be mad.  She is such a girlie little brat but I kind of love it.  All the other girls are ready to jump in, even though AshLee really doesn't want to.  Isn't this what love is all about?  Doing something you really don't want to do that could kill you?  The girls shriek their brains out and jump in and back out again, and now they all feel so awesome!  Except AshLee.  Still cold and pissed.  Suddenly, Tierra can't breathe.  Sure.  The paramedics warm her up and rush her off, and poor Sean feels helpless and responsible.  What are the chances that this is real? I'd say 10%.  Tierra is doing her best to look pathetic and I start to feel bad for the paramedics who are actually taking this seriously and wasting their time and resources.  Tierra looks like a hot mess with mascara ALL over her face and all she can say is "I miss time with him!"  Now that is dedication.  This is an Oscar-worthy performance!  Miraculously, all the other girls are fine and in fact are energetic and excited.  Sean comes to check on Tierra and thankfully all her make up has been cleaned up.  Tierra tells him that after this, he better marry her.  And she's not joking.  Sean tells her to stay in bed and not worry about coming to the date that night because he is confident in their relationship.  Wonder if she'll listen to him...

Hot Mess  ...Or Cold Mess?
The rest of the girls head out to see Sean and are looking forward to no drama tonight!  Lesley M. is ready to let her guard down and I can't wait.  She is so funny and cute!  Sean says that he "appreciates" her, whatever that means, and I am worried that he doesn't like her as much as I do... Next, Sarah surprises Sean with pictures of her family and childhood in hopes that it will inspire him to keep her for a hometown date.  She is really thinking ahead!  Damn, game-player.  Meanwhile, Tierra is "frozen to death" but decides that she can strap on her heels and head to the party.  Shocking!  Tierra walks in on the girls talking shit and things get awkward real fast.  They all start to realize that maybe she is just really good at getting attention.  Ohhh is that what she is doing?  Sorry, ladies, she knows how this game works.  She's a Tierrarist!  (Thanks Lesley, that's why I love you).  We all think Tierra has this night wrapped up, but luckily my fave Lesley gets tonight's rose, yay! 

The date ends but all Sean can think about is the one girl who likes him so much but he just knows she isn't right for him.  And the girl is... Sarah!  WHAT?  He wants to let her go tonight instead of leading her on.  I am happy because I am not a big fan of her, but I am also legitimately shocked!  Is this because of the one arm?!?  She takes it surprisingly well, and I think she knew it was coming, but this is still pretty embarrassing.  Sean tries to be a gentleman but it is still pretty uncomfortable as she has to tell the other girls that she is going home. Yikes.  Oh Sarah, you'll find someone who actually loves you one of these days.  This would be heartbreaking if I liked her.

Desiree gets the last date of the week, and this is her SECOND one-on-one date with him.  Which is funny, because she is the one who is questioning their relationship the most.  Plus we all know about that ex-boyfriend back at home who she'll be tempted to go back to...  But I do love her!!  Sean informs Des that they will be rappelling down a mountain to a picnic and I'm like, haven't we seen almost this exact date twice already this season?  Come on, Sean.  Can't you just go see a movie or something?  Luckily, Sean gets her through it, blah, blah, and they are so much closer now, whatever.  Sean assures Des that he really likes her, and then they have a tree climbing contest.  They are so flippin' cute, I just want them to work out!  Sigh.  They go on to a date in a giant tepee and Des thinks that cuddling up in animal skin is just so cozy!  She opens up about living in a tent as a kid and we hear yet another depressing life story.  Des!  You are so sweet and real and you will surely make your ex/future-boyfriend really happy.  Nonetheless, she gets the rose and we all swoon for the time being.

It's the night of the rose ceremony, and the girls can't stop talking about Tierra. Sean insists that he can't keep a woman at this point unless he can see raising a family with her.  Really? You see Tierra as the mother of your children?  In other news, Selma is finally ready to shame her family and her heritage to kiss Sean on national television, and this peck on the lips is the lamest thing I've seen in a while.  If you're going to disgrace your whole family, you might as well make it good!  Later, AshLee gives Sean a blindfold for... the bedroom?  No, to show Sean that he is going to be in control of her every move?  No, well, I'm still not really sure.  Aren't we past the stunts and gimmicks? 

Two more women are going home tonight and I am actually shocked that he is narrowing it down so quickly all of the sudden.  Lindsay and AshLee get called and I am not surprised about either.  For the final rose of the night, could it be..?? Yes, of course, Tierra!  His future wife! Daniella goes home, no surprise here, as does Selma, who I actually liked, but without the prospect of televised make-out sessions, she didn't really stand a chance.  I just feel bad that she disappointed her family for nothing.  Sean has it down to the 6 that are all perfect for him, and they will finally be going somewhere warm and relaxing.  I can't wait until next week when Tierra plays the victim yet again and Sean loves her even more for it. Stay tuned for that and my thoughts on the Tierrarist's genius game playing.  Until then, stay bitchy!

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