Monday, February 1, 2016

Week 5 Recap: Bachelor or Spatchelor?

This week, Ben and the ladies are finally heading abroad, all the way to....... Central America! Mexico City to be exact. If one of the girls does not end up wearing a sombrero while butchering Spanish words at some point this episode, I will be sorely disappointed. There are still 11 girls here and Olivia is still sure that she is the one (and already says how much she loves him... wow), but the first date actually goes to... Amanda! The mom. The date card mentions putting "eggs in a basket" and all I can think is that this is some sort of metaphor for her being the only mom... Eggs... I mean... I can't be the only one thinking this. Anyway, Olivia is shocked that Ben would go for a mommmmm because. Who wants kids? To be honest, they almost never choose someone with kids, but I think Ben is just amazing enough to make it happen.

To start off the week, Ben decides to surprise the girls at 4:30 AM to wake them all up before Amanda's date. I mean, I guess it's a good idea to see what these girls really look like, minus the 5 layers of foundation and mascara. As expected, some of them are looking rough, including Lauren H in her retainer, and Jubilee with her weave laying next to her bed. Amazing. Somehow, Amanda must have known this was coming because she is in full makeup, hair perfectly done, and looking flawless. Either she expected it, or she has won the genetic lottery and every woman in America despises her right now.
Ben takes Amanda on a hot air balloon ride over the ancient pyramids and then on to a romantic picnic. I'm actually really digging their dynamic, but Amanda is continuously hinting at her "past" and how she has "so much to tell him." So I'm guessing something might throw a wrench in this one... It turns out that her ex husband was kind of the worst person ever and clearly wasn't ready to be a husband or father. But Amanda just always wanted a perfect family! She needs Ben to know that she's not just some failure who gives up on marriages- she tried to make it work! After hearing this story, Ben of course makes her feel like the most amazing person alive and compliments the shit out of her saying that he doesn't even deserve a girl like her and I'm like Bennnnnnnnnn stop being so incredibleeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! They are so sweet together and I think this is a finally a single mom-Bachelor relationship I can get behind.

Next up, we've got a group date with 9 women including obnoxious Jubilee and possibly more obnoxious Olivia. They are first going to take some Spanish lessons to learn some important tourist phrases including "I want to kiss you" and "You are the man for me." Helpful. Olivia pretty much takes Ben's attempts at learning Spanish as a serious marriage proposal, and Jubilee condemns him for even speaking to the other girls and stays 4 feet away from him at all times. These winners! Later they head to a restaurant where they will be dividing into teams and cooking- from recipes written in all Spanish. Shockingly, Emily (occupation: twin) is neither good at cooking nor Spanish, so she's not sure how this one will go. Meanwhile, Olivia decides to snag Ben as a partner, and he legit looks so unhappy about it. Ughhh not the one the producers made me keep around for entertainment value.... Why can't I spend the day with someone who doesn't creep me out every time she opens her mouth...? In fact, Emily legitimately threatens Olivia's life by holding up a butcher knife and saying "Adios Olivia..". Isn't that kind of a death threat?!? I'm not sure that's something you should do on national television...? But okay. The girls and Ben have a great time cooking (minus no-fun pouty-face Jubilee), and Ben even changes his title to the Spatchelor. Ohh Ben. It would be cheesey, but please, I could never hate on you Ben!!! The chefs actually choose Lauren B and Jubilee's dish as the best of the night, which obviously means that Jubilee will be his future wife!! Because that's how it works.
Later that night they all head to a cocktail party where, what else is new, Olivia grabs Ben for some time first. Because she didn't already spend all day with him. Get out. Ben spends lots of time with the ladies, and particularly Lauren B, who gets a looong trip out to the streets of Mexico City and some major make out time. Won't lie, it's pretty hot between them. Finally when he returns from his Lauren B time, he pulls Jubilee aside, who doesn't even want to hold his hand. All she wants to do is complain that she's not a Lauren B or a Becca, and Ben is like ummm why don't you even want to sit close to me or hold my hand? Clearly this is not the right environment for you. I mean, this would be so much easier if it was just the two of us........ duh. Luckily, Ben decides to be an amazing human being yet again, and tells her straight up, like a man, that he is not feeling it. Maybe she should just leave. So there she goes. SEE YA. We won't miss you and your immature drama. The time finally comes for Ben to pass out the date rose and we are all legitimately stunned- Olivia gets the rose. We are all so confused. He was acting like he wasn't even feeling her anymore, and he was SOOO into Lauren B, JoJo, etc. So. This is dumb.

The last date this week goes to Lauren H, who I am super on-the-fence about. There's something about her face. I just don't like it. She seems sweet enough, but I just don't want to look at her. Hmm. It turns out that Ben is taking her to Mexico City Fashion Week, which I feel like is one of the coolest dates ever. Apparently Lauren is legit going to model in this show, and I'm sure all the real models are like, bitch.. please. Part of me was really hoping she was going to pull a Carrie Bradshaw and totally just eat it on the runway, but alas, she actually did a pretty decent job. I mean, she wasn't as amazing of a model as say, Ben, but pretty good nonetheless. Later, they have a romantic dinner date and Lauren H decides that she needs a sob story too.. but the best she can come up with is being dumped by a guy who cheated on her. Oh honey, that's not a good enough story to keep you around until the end... one more week maybe, but no more than that. Maybe if your face was just a little easier to look at. Still, she gets the rose and we are not shocked.
What is it about this face.....?
Finally, the night of the rose ceremony arrives, and everyone is getting nervous. Except Olivia. Who clearly studied up on "how to be the crazy bitch on your season of the Bachelor" because she is pulling out all the stops. Including the obnoxious waving the rose in front of the cameras during her interviews. Enough. Ben gets some time with JoJo (favorite) and Lauren B (other favorite), and things are looking good with them. And then... the bombs start to drop. As Amanda is talking about her kids, Olivia says that she feels like this is an episode of Teen Mom. And we are all like.. what the fuck. Yeah, that's kind of offensive to a 24 year old mom of 2 who was actually a married adult when she had kids. Olivia apologizes by crying about how bad she feels about herself, and we cannot even deal. Emily decides it is time to say something to Ben about this, and she does try to (she's got some balls!), until she is interrupted by... Olivia! Bitches better not be talking shit about me right now! Olivia tries to distract Ben from this drama, but he is determined to get to the bottom of this and starts asking all the girls about what's really going on... Way to be the good guy yet again, Ben!

...Or not quite yet. They are pulling another To Be Continued on us this week and it just might kill me! Remember how everyone HATES these??? Ben decides he needs to chat with Olivia one more time before the rose ceremony, but all the girls are convinced that she will be going home... Please, if it was only that easy. Previews for next week's episode show literally every girl except Olivia crying and being pissed, so clearly nothing good happens for us. It looks like shit is about to get even more real next week, and I honestly don't know which direction he is going to go. Just as long as he keeps my faves around, I'll be happy! One whole week until we find out... Until then...

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