Sunday, February 14, 2016

Commentary: The Bachelor at 20- A CAN'T MISS TV EVENT

If you can believe it, there have now been 20 seasons of The Bachelor. TWENTY. (And oh by the way, that doesn't include the 11 Bachelorette seasons). Tonight is a night that I could not resist blogging about. I mean, they are bringing out all of our favorite stars, with an open bar, and a "surprise" wedding. How could this be anything less than incredible?!? As I sit here with my glass of wine, totally geeking out about how excited I am to see everyone, I find that I have so much to say. So here it is- the most important gossip and drama you need to know, just in case (heaven forbid), you missed this once in a lifetime amazing event.

  • Unsurprisingly, Clare and Michelle Money are cougaring it up- as Clare says- they are the "old ladies" just there to prowl on all the fresh young hotties. God I love them so much. I just want them to find happiness, but I also don't know what I would do without desperate Clare's crazy ass comments. Please get wasted and make out with a 24 year old on the dance floor tonight!!!
  • Ashley I is STILL trying to get with Jared. Oh Ashley............ please just stop it! Give up! He is just not that into you, as he told you what, SIX times in Paradise.  I know you say that you are just friends now, but expecting him to make a move on you tonight does not really equate to you giving up on romance... Also, following him around like a little puppy is definitely not the way to get some. Jared is SO clear that he loves being FRIENDS and that he has NO interest in her romantically. Ashley I makes it SO clear that she wants to go to third base with him. ASHLEY. How many times do you need to go through this??? It is NEVER ever ever going to happen. Though it wouldn't be a Bachelor special without seeing your glorious tears. 
  • Ali Fedotowsky is PREGNANT?!? How did I miss this??? I've been too out of the celeb gossip loop. And I was still holding out hope that she and Roberto would end up back together... Or at least she and Frank,, Sadly, I guess that dream needs to end. But I am happy for her because I still love love love her.
  • Why is Ashley and JP's kid sooo ugly? I mean I'm sorry, I know we aren't supposed to go after kids, but with beautiful parents like Ashley and JP, you'd expect a much cuter child... No wonder they didn't want to come tonight. I'd be ashamed too. So sad! But they are sooo happy together so I guess, who cares?
  • In case you didn't realize, Trista and Ryan are STILL married! For 12 years! See America, this is REAL! It can WORK! Remain hopeful!!! 
  • I could literally rewatch a montage of all the Bachelor proposals every day for the rest of my life. And I would tear up every damn time. GOD I LOVE THIS SHOW.
  • Chris Soules is actually a total horndog creep. This should have been obvious to us when he made out with literally every girl on the show in the first week, but now that he is single and ready to mingle, it's kind of out of control how much he wants to get with these girls. How did we ever let him be the Bachelor??? He is gross. (For the record, I was never a fan...)
  • Onion Ashley Salter is 7 months pregnant. She apparently got knocked up like the day after she returned home from Paradise. Fascinating. I will never understand this one. But yes, she is pretty pregnant. Hmm.
  • Are Marcus and Lacy broken up??? I have to assume so. There have been many rumors swirling, and now, this special is making NO mention of them. If they really were still together, Chris Harrison would definitely include them with all the other "success stories," but alas, no mention of either of them, or them as a couple. I mean, should we be shocked that Marcus finally realized that Lacy was nothing more than blonde hair and big boobs? No.
  • Erica Rose is pregnant and having a shotgun wedding. Which is apparently her dream... Oh Erica Rose. You are amazing. In related news, PLEASE BRING BACK BACHELOR PAD!!!! God I miss it so much. Bachelor in Paradise is great, but hooking up AND competing for money?? Can't beat it.

In case there was any question- the "surprise" wedding tonight is Jade & Tanner! Duh. We all knew this wedding was going to happen fast, since they are SO IN LOVE. I actually do really like them, so I hope it works out! Not only do we get to see their wedding, but we get to see all the hard work that Jade and Tanner ABC put into the planning! You know what would be really great? Getting to pick out your wedding dress on Rodeo Drive, having professionals do everyone's hair and makeup, and having Matt Nathanson sing for your walk down the aisle, because YOU AREN'T PAYING FOR ANY OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!! In other news, Jade, I know you were in Playboy and all, but you really don't need to wear a gown that looks like lingerie... I'm sure there are classier options out there. Other highlights: Chris Harrison officiating of course, Carly as one of the bridesmaids slash musical performer (love her!), and the entire audience being Bachelor alums (did they even get to invite their own guests???). Despite their own written vows (vomit), the wedding was pretty sweet and they are indeed adorable. Hope it lasts! But any marriage that starts with a Seal serenade is destined to last, right?

As the special episode comes to a close, I can't help but wish there was some sort of epilogue detailing who ended up hooking up with who at the end of the night. I guess we might find out one day at the next Bachelor wedding, Regardless, here is to an AMAZING night. I laughed. I cried. I threw up a little. And I can't wait to see whose wedding is next!!! Until then...

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