Monday, January 25, 2016

Week 4 Recap: I'm Zen with Ben

Tonight is the night that Olivia's true colors will finally come out, and we cannot wait to see the horror that ensues. Not only that, but this week the whole gang is heading to.... Vegas! The marriage capital of the world! Olivia is thrilled to possibly see Celine, the twins are thrilled to show him around their beautiful hometown, and all of them are ready to slut it up by the pool.

The first Vegas one-on-one date goes to... JoJo! And I am pretty excited because I have been quietly loving her for a while now. Like, now that I hate Olivia, I am all about JoJo as my number one fave. The other girls are of course jealous, but Olivia is cool with it, because she is totally "zen with Ben." (????) But those death stares when he comes in for JoJo's date... dang girl. Watch those dagger eyes, Olivia.

JoJo's date involves a helicopter that literally blows the cocktail table to topple onto them as it lands. Obviously a table falling onto you is THE most romantic thing that can happen, and causes them to make out as the helicopter finishes landing. SO romantic! They make out some more in the helicopter (is this really the entire date?!?) and later have their dinner date where they chat about their deep emotional pasts, blah blah. But does anyone else notice that when JoJo talks about her past relationship, she never uses a male pronoun, and keeps saying "that person," "they," etc? Does this make anyone else think that her last relationship was with a woman??? I mean, it's totally cool, but definitely weird that she would never refer to the sex of her last partner... My investigative reporting is on this one! I wonder if this will come out at all later...? Hmm.

Next, Ben has his group date with what seems like what, 15 women? So. Many. Of them. Notables on this date: the twins, crazy Jubilee, and newly hated bitch Olivia. And they will be having a talent competition. Shock of the night... NONE of them have any real talent!!! Oh wait, the twins finally pull out one redeeming quality in this entire season, in the form of Irish dancing skills. Let's hope they are good enough for this talent to support them for the rest of their lives!! Lord knows their intellects won't. Once the girls are all ready to go, their host for the night tells them that they will be performing for a real Las Vegas crowd... oh my gosh!!! I've never seen the Bachelor before so I had no reason to believe that walking into an empty theater meant I would be performing for a crowd! This is shocking. I hope the audience likes my slutty showgirl costume and my ass shaking all over the stage! How could they not? Well apparently Olivia's talent is literally popping out of a cake and walking around laughing awkwardly in a disgusting costume. Soooo uncomfortable. Even Ben knows it's a trainwreck. Good work, Olivia, this will surely get you the rose! Luckily for her, she watched Chris's season and took notes on Kelsey's infamous "panic attack" scene, and clearly practiced that more than her talent show performance. Because this is on point! With any luck, Ben will come running to save her from her panic, and she'll get the pity rose JUST LIKE KELSEY DID. Or who knows, maybe Ben will also realize that this is taken straight out of LAST SEASON. At least go for a move more than a few months old... That's amateur status, Olivia. She's so bummed about getting Ben's "pity hug," but getting a pity rose would be just fine.

Fortunately or unfortunately for us, the date is still going on and we get to sit through more uncomfortable conversation. Ben reassures Olivia that she didn't embarrass herself (he missed the panic attack portion), and we all know he is just being nice. By the way, Olivia, the reason you feel a different connection now isn't all because of today. Remember last week when you likened his friends dying to your hatred of your cankles? Yeah, I think that was what dug your whole for you... Today just sealed your fate. Maybe if your panic attack came while Ben was actually around... Critical error. Try that next time. Meanwhile, Ben has some good make out sessions with all the other ladies, but especially Lauren B. It really just seems like the interaction there is so much different than with anybody else. Ben even reassures her that she should never worry about his feelings towards her, and if past seasons showed us anything (ahem, Kaitlyn and Sean), when someone says that, it mean's you're going to win. Later, Olivia decides that it is NOT okay that she didn't make out with Ben at all yet today, so why not go interrupt Emily's conversation and get that kiss?? Even with that desperate attempt, the group date rose goes to Lauren B OF COURSE, and Olivia is questioning everything. Poor girl!

The next day brings the last one-on-one of the week with.. Becca. Ugh. The virgin? Really? You know where this will (not) go. A box arrives with a gift for her- a stunning wedding dress that of course looks gorgeous on her. But let's be honest- Jubilee the bitch totally tells it like it is when she says that Becca is the best person to be wearing white... hasn't lost it in the last 26 years, isn't gonna lose it today. Amazing. Becca is whisked off to meet Ben, who is in a chapel, in a tux, and getting down on one knee.... And he asks Becca to... help him marry other people since he is now an ordained minister! OH my god, I actually thought he was seriously proposing even though there are still 20 other women here! I was so nervous and I'm so relieved! Phew! So these lucky(?) engaged couples get to be married by Ben and Becca today, and I am sure this is the most special aspect of their wedding day. Thank you ABC for making this incredible special Bachelor event happen for these people! What would they do without you? Becca is thrilled to be doing this with Ben today- after all, she understands the sanctity of marriage better than any of those whores back at the house. Can't wait until later when she makes out with him with no intention of going any farther! Enjoy, Ben.

Later, they have a romantic evening where Ben is ready to ask the real questions about her ability to "love" and "feel," aka, how set in stone is this virginity pact she has...?  Not shockingly, Becca starts off the conversation by literally bashing the shit out of Chris Soules. Apparently she cares WAY more this time and wants to get to know Ben way more than Chris. You bitch! You were in the top 2! Chris almost proposed to you, and you are finally admitting that you barely even liked him. I mean, I knew this all along but really. What a bitch. Ben also asks her if she cares about his lack of virginity (no), and asks her if this is hard for her to do (no, because she doesn't know what she is missing). It seems really clear that she is NOT gonna give it up until she is married, and I'm like, come on Ben, there are clearly better options here. Who WILL give it up. Don't waste your time here. She does get the rose, and I get it.. she's gorgeous and acts all sweet. But she is the worst. Get her out.

One last surprise before the end of the episode, and I knew this was coming sooner or later- a 2-on-1 with the twins! Ben needs to finally choose one and get rid of the other so he doesn't have to spend every date just trying to figure out who is who. Ben has the twins take him to their childhood home in Vegas so he can get to know them a bit better. He needs to know that they are individuals too! They each get to take him into their bedrooms and explain why they are the better twin. But really, can he even tell them apart right now?? Apparently he is feeling stronger about one of them than the other and I'm like, really....... are you going to keep either of them at the end?? Just make it easier for everyone and send them both home now. So he sends home Haley (and I swear he doesn't even know which one of them is Haley when he's saying her name), and these tears start flowing! But really. You're 23 and hot and live in Vegas. I think you're gonna be okay. Emily and Ben awkwardly cuddle and make out on the limo ride back to the hotel, but I guarantee Emily won't be happy there without her sister, and this won't last more than another week, maybe 2. But wasn't it a great storyline while it lasted?!

It's finally time for the cocktail party and Jennifer grabs him right away, and we are all happy because Jennifer is great. But without fail, Olivia takes off to interrupt them after like 5 minutes. She needs to apologize for the millionth time about the talent show incident, and we are all so over these dumb apologies. But of course sweet sweet Ben assures her that she doesn't need to keep apologizing! Ben.. stop being so nice, I can't take it any more. After their chat, Olivia tells JoJo that she already declared her love for Ben and that he reciprocated that love. What world is she living in...? Don't make JoJo doubt her relationship with him, which is actually real and not contrived in her mind like yours! Bitch is getting crazier by the minute.

The rose ceremony begins and apparently all eyes are on Olivia. Hmm. At the end of the night it comes down to Olivia possibly getting the last rose again. And... she does. So lame. You can't pull this last rose crap two weeks in a row... We get that the producers want suspense, but it's getting old. Just get rid of her already. Instead, we say goodbye to unemployed Rachel (the only one without a kiss) and Amber (thank God) and even though Amber tries to make a scene, it is relatively uneventful. Next week will hopefully be the end for my least faves including Jubilee and Olivia, but you never know what the producers will make happen! We'll find out soon enough!

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