Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Week 3 Recap: It's Really Hard Having Cankles...

It's week 3, everyone! Big things are ahead. This week will hopefully be the end of the road for some of the producer's choices like everyone's favorite drama queen, Lace. These acts of insanity can't possibly go on much longer! We open the show with a reminder that Olivia is a mean girl, and everyone hates her, blah blah. But Olivia is comfortable in her relationship, and there are TWO one-on-one dates this week, so anything could happen!

Our first date this week is a one-on-one and Ben chooses... Lauren B to join him. She is clearly a front runner, as she seems super nice and normal, and is of course also beautiful. She could actually have a decent chance of being an equal match for Ben  (if that's even possible). Ben is taking her to do something sooooo scary and nerve wrecking, that will definitely require Ben to comfort her! So, Lauren B is a flight attendant, and Ben is taking her on a plane, and she is soooo scared. Really? I mean, I've never been on a biplane, but I can't imagine it's that terrifying for someone who flies every day. But what do I know? Luckily, Ben is doing this with her! I'm sure the whole thing will be just like their relationship- it will go up really fast, there will be some smooth sailing, there may be bumps at times, but at the end they will get through it together! (Didn't you miss those Bachelor analogies??)

Ben later takes LB to a random grassy land in the middle of nowhere... with a hot tub randomly just sitting there. What is it with Ben and hot tubs in strange locations? This is the second time in 2 weeks that this has happened.  Can we also talk about how he sends her to go behind a tree to change? So weird. They make out for a while in the hot tub, and later have a romantic dinner where they talk about their feelings and their families, blah blah. She gets a rose, they go to some random concert and make out some more. And we all think, aren't they just perfect for each other??? We'll see.
Meanwhile back at the house, Caila already has a complete emotional breakdown, week 3. She JUST realized that there are other girls here! Remember that time you dumped your boyfriend because you saw him on this show last season?? And NOW you are figuring out how this whole thing worked? Winner.

Next, we have the big group date this week. They are going to work as a team this week and do some great girl bonding by playing soccer. The girls get to learn some great skills from 2 members of the US national team, including Alex Morgan, who according to some, is a better choice than any of the girls on this date. Just ditch these losers and go after her, Ben! The girls have to play a game where the winning team gets... you guessed it- more time with Ben. And the losing team gets sent back to the mansion! Yeah, sorry, you will send these girls back home over their dead bodies. They are NOT going back without more Ben-time. Must win situation! You know what's a good strategy, making the dumbest girl on your team be your goalie. Oh Lace. We're allowed to use our hands? Who knew? Luckily they eventually put in Emily as goalie- she's an expert because she is apparently used to balls flying at her face (but it is usually more fun than this). At the end of the game, the stripes team wins, which means Olivia is going to the cocktail party, and poor "injured" Rachel is sent back to the house with the losing team. Boo hoo. Enough tears please.

Later, at the cocktail party, Olivia the supposed bitch, pulls Ben aside before anyone else gets the chance to. How dare she make an aggressive move?!? She always gets time with him! Relax girls, she just knows how to play this game better than you! Have any of you actually watched any past seasons? This is how you stick around. These girls know how to get back at her though- let's talk crap about her toes and her breath! That'll get her. Later, Amber finally gets some time alone with Ben and opens up about how she is soo happy to be here with him, blah blah. And it pays off, because she gets a kiss AND the date rose. Please. I've been over Amber for a long time now. Did Ben not watch Bachelor in Paradise? She was awful then and she's awful now. But sure, give her the rose for now.

Meanwhile, the final date card arrives at the house, and Jubilee is literally having emotional mental breakdowns. This is the hardest and most intense situation she has ever experienced!! Wait a second, aren't you a war veteran? Weren't you IN A WAR? And THIS is killing you emotionally? Luckily for her entire well-being, she gets the one-on-one date and is sooooooo excited. Except when it comes time for the date she gets suuuuper weird and awkward and all she cares about is that Ben is "20 minutes late" and starts acting like she doesn't even want to go. Stop being so self-deprecating and pouty. Is she even going to be fun? Enjoy your helicopter ride in nice close quarters with this bitch. Ben takes her to a health spa, and I can only hope they get some hot tub time! Jubilee is super awkward, and she and Ben literally sit like across the room from each other when talking. Not exactly screaming romance here... Later, she calls him "white boy" and he laughs, and then even later, she explains for about 5 minutes why it was so great that he laughed when she called him "white boy." "It's so great that I can make racist comments and that you appreciate them!" And I am literally trying to rip my ears off so I don't have to listen to the weirdest most awkward date I've seen in a while. PLEASE GOD END THIS!!!

Later, Jubilee opens up with her sob story, and we find out that her entire family has died except for her, and she has been feeling guilty about it her whole life. GOOD LORD. He can obviously not send her home after THIS! Ben is way too nice of a guy and that story was way too depressing for him to not give her the rose. So of course she gets a rose, but this is NOT going to work out, because clearly she is freaking nuts. Even the girls are all shocked when she is at the house the next day. Because she is the worst.

Finally, at the cocktail party, Olivia literally ruins every ounce of positive feelings I had towards her. So, Ben comes in and announces that 2 very close friends of his died tragically the day before and he is clearly really torn up. And I just want to hug him! So Olivia immediately steals him away to chat, and we all expect her to comfort him, but instead she brings up... her lower body...? And how she hates her legs. And she starts almost crying about it. And Ben is like... people I love just died. And you are telling me about your cankle problems? Nope, sorry Olivia, we are done.

Next up, Jubilee makes everyone hate her even more by giving Ben a nice intimate massage even though she already has a rose!!! What a shock, the girls hate the people who already have roses? What else is new? The girls try to confront her about (???) and she runs away because she doesn't like drama. What a bitch! Trying to avoid drama??? How dare she! Finally, Amber corners Jubilee, with Ben there awkwardly moderating? Or is Amber really just straight up calling Jubilee out right in front of Ben? Ben is literally like their father trying to calm down two sisters having a bitch fight. How can he possibly want to be with either of those girls after that embarrassing meltdown? And just when we think the drama is finally all settled down, Lace asks to talk to Ben. She starts having a total meltdown and cries about how she has a lot of work to do on herself. Yes. That is true. She sends herself home and this is the most sane thing she has done all season. BYE LACE. We won't miss you.

Finally the rose ceremony starts and we will be saying goodbye to 2 more girls. The entire time, Olivia is panicking because everyone else is getting roses but her. But, SHOCK, she gets the last rose of the night! I guess he may as well keep her around since they do have chemistry after all... But I am OVER her. Get out of here, cankles. I've changed my mind on you. Instead, 2 random girls who we don't even really know get sent home, how uneventful. It appears that next week, everyone is going to finally come to blows with Olivia, and the drama is going to explode even more. I cannot wait to see their lives completely unravel before our eyes. Until then...

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