Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Week 2 Recap: Can Anyone Locate Indiana?

It's week 2, Bachelor fans! Another SHOCKING episode is ahead of us I'm sure. What will Ben, "the greatest Bachelor on the planet of history" do to impress us this week?? Without wasting any time, we start with the first date card of the season. Luckily, Lace gets invited onto the first group date, and she's excited to potentially make out with him all day, then get a ring. I mean, she did get a little too drunk the first night, but she's ready for some serious eye contact today.

For Ben's first date of the season, he just wants to be fun and goofy, so he's taking them all to high school! I mean, when I think fun and goofy date, I think high school. The girls get to do a whole series of classroom challenges, and the winner gets to be Homecoming Queen! (Obviously the sign of success in school.) The girls first have to "make Ben's volcano erupt," and we find out that (shocker) Lace wasn't very good at school. We also discover that Becca and JoJo can't identify Indiana in shape or location. What a great crop of girls here! In other news, apparently Ben wishes his teachers were all this hot in high school, because he would have paid more attention. I think if I was a high school teacher I'd feel super weird about that comment... Oh wait...

At the end of the competition, Mandi, AKA super freak weirdo dentist, wins the whole thing and becomes Homecoming Queen. which means we have to watch more Mandi screen time. No thanks. (I think the producers had the same thought, because thankfully they cut most of that out.) At the cocktail party that night, we have to see more of boring virgin Becca, Ben's first kiss of the season with Jennifer, and Lace's eyes bulge further out of her head. In case we forgot, Lace is NOT okay with Ben being into other girls. She has yet another conversation apologizing for being psycho and sweet sweet Ben forgives her of course. They are so close (?) to kissing when stupid Jubilee disrupts them. Ughhhh this was going to be their perfect moment of beautiful eye contact!!! Jubilee wins the award for "first sob story of the season" AND her story even gets her a kiss. Nice strategy! Lace decides to try a new strategy called, "F*ck these bitches, bitches can suck it" and goes back for more time, and (fingers crossed) maybe a kiss?!? (No). Despite all the other strategies, JoJo's "sit back and wait for Ben to take me to a special location" strategy seems to work best and earns her the rose. Bitch, you did not! Despite JoJo's lack of geography skills, I actually have nothing against her at this point, and I am fine with the rose decision (consider that a win).

Back at the house, the first one-on-one date card arrives and goes to... Olivia Caila! WHAT? Not Olivia? Not possible. So for this date, Chris Harrison has invited Ice Cube and Kevin Hart to take Ben and Caila on a Ride Along. Sounds amazing. First stop: the liquor store to pick up some Hennessy and condoms. Second stop: hot tub shopping. They enjoy a romantic hot tub hangout, in the store, complete with champagne and Kevin Hart 3rd-wheeling. Thank you Chris Harrison for this entertainment. Though let's be honest, bringing a comedian on the date is nothing new these past few seasons... We need some originality here, Chris. So even though Caila's story about dumping her boyfriend for the idea of Ben Higgins turned me off a bit, I do think she's much better for him than most of these dumb-dumbs. At least for now...She gets the rose, and they get a private concert. And Ben sings to her and we all swoon. GAHH BEN WE LOVE YOU.

Finally it's time for our last group date, and to see what supposedly will make Olivia the house bitch... Ben takes them to a "love lab" to use science to prove his level of love with each of the women. Surprise, we find out that the twins don't know much about science, but hopefully that won't keep them from passing the compatibility test! After Ben smells all the girls and tests their thermal reactions, we find out that, shock, Olivia has the highest compatibility with him. And now it's Olivia vs. the House! So basically, she doesn't do anything wrong, she just is the best match for Ben and is confident about it. That bitch! In other news, do you think Ben is able to tell the twins apart yet? Or is he just guessing who is who? (This is all I can think about). So later, even though Amanda pours her heart out about her children (and Ben is REALLY excited about the prospect of having kids already), he gives the rose to Olivia. And okayyy finally Olivia's bitch side really comes out. Tone it down, girlfriend. We don't need the whole "I'm in charge of this house" act. Just act normal. K thanks.

So for some great news, it looks like we will actually get a rose ceremony tonight! Are the producers finally ending the bullshit of "to be continued" episodes that NOBODY enjoyed?!? Please say yes. At the cocktail party, Olivia gets even more time with Ben (ugh!), but luckily Lace is handling this. Lace takes it upon herself to chat with Olivia and make it clear that we all need our time with Ben! Once she does get her time with Ben, Lace makes it clear to him that she is very bold and she is a lot to handle, but it's only because she was an ugly child!!! (?) She can't help it! Poor Ben is just TOO nice to cut her off in this conversation but (thankfully) once again another girl interrupts them! Right in the middle of her ugly kid story! Suddenly Lace goes in to full-on panic mode. Whyyy did I tell that story to Ben?? Whyyy do I keep telling him how crazy I am?? Because this bitch. is. crazy. Later on, Ben shows us how absolutely AMAZING he is by bringing little gifts/mementos for all the girls he cares about, and even making hair barrettes with Amanda for her little girls. GOD BEN WHY ARE YOU SO INCREDIBLE I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE THIS ANYMORE.

I'm not sure Ben will even be able to send anyone home (too nice), but let's hope for some major cuts tonight. Gotta get rid of the lame-os and crazies. So, either Ben is WAY too nice, or he's still letting the producers have say in his picks, because Lace gets a rose. Can't wait for another week of that fun. Some rando, LB, decides to leave (should we be sad about that?), so Ben is able to keep Amber around, even though she's had like NO time with him. Thankfully, weirdo dentist Mandi goes home, as does the sour-smelling chick and some other rando. See ya!

It looks like next week will be FULL of crying and some crazy bitch drama, and I for one cannot wait. Can't wait to see who really emerges as the House Bitch....

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