Week 9 Recap: Ben Finds The Loves of His Life

It's fantasy suite week!!!!! This means that not only will Ben be spending the night with 3 different women, but apparently he will also be professing his love for TWO of them! Ben and the ladies will be spending this week in Jamaica, which is just the perfect place to fall in love. In case you haven't been paying attention, we are down to the final 3: The weirdo robot who is incapable of love, Caila, the obvious winner from the start, Lauren, and fun-loving hottie with the possessive brothers, JoJo. Which 2 is he in love with?!? Anyone but Robo-Caila, please...


Speak of the devil- Ben's first date this week is with Caila. And I am tempted to just fast forward through this entire segment. How many more times do I need to see her smile excessively and not say anything of substance? Pass. Literally this entire date is them sitting on a river raft in awkward total silence. And occasionally kissing. And talking about how anxious they are. This is so uncomfortable, I can't even deal. I'm sure even the riverboat rower is ready to throw himself overboard just to get away from the awkwardness. Get her out. Later at the nighttime portion of the date, they talk about how weird she was acting earlier in the day. She spends about 30 minutes trying to put a sentence together in order to get out the words that she is in love with him. Just spit it out, for goodness sakes! How are you going to spend the rest of your life with someone who needs hours just to get out a complete thought. Ben is apparently really happy that Caila finally figured out how to say three words, and now she is back to normal, yay! Now that we've taken care of that, it's time to spend the night in the fantasy suite!!! I hope for Ben's sake that they won't be doing much talking in there... because any more of that would be pure torture. Caila is confident that Ben loves her back, even though he doesn't say it, but I'm not so sure... we'll find out later!


The next date of the week goes to Lauren, and we cannot wait. Finally, someone who is actually a real, living human being! This date is already 1927124 times better than the first one, not to mention they are going to be saving baby turtles. But really. Lauren + Ben + baby turtles. Could this be any cuter?!? I am literally dying. LOVE ALL OF THIS. Later, they have a pretty serious conversation where Ben tells Lauren that she is too good for him. That's exactly what I said about Ben with Kaitlyn! They are both people that are just too good for everyone else, which makes them perfect for each other. BEN AND LAUREN PLEASE!!!! Lauren does tell Ben that he is the man of her dreams, but she still hasn't told him that she loves him. What are you waiting for?!? Just do it! He obviously loves you too!!! They decide to head to the fantasy suite together and Lauren is excited to just "do us." Yeah, we know. FINALLY once they are in the suite, Lauren works up the courage to tell Ben that she loves him. And then... WHAT. Ben tells Lauren that he loves her too. Ben!!! You aren't supposed to say that yet, when you still have THREE women left!!! And then they both say it over and over again. IS THIS THE END OF THE SEASON YET? Why is anyone else still even there???? She is clearly the winner. Send everyone else home now!!! Amazing.

So, even though Ben told Lauren he loves her (repeatedly), he still has another date to go on this week. And another fantasy suite. How can you be in love with someone, and take someone else on an overnight date...? Am I the only one who is a bit weirded out by this? I guess we need to just ignore this fact and enjoy the date with our other fave, JoJo. Their date today involves JoJo rocking her insanely hot bikini bod while jumping into waterfalls with Ben. I mean, how can Ben NOT love this? JoJo is actually able to spill her guts to Ben and admit that she is in love with him, and... WHAT. Ben professes his love for JoJo as well. BEN! YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THIS!!!! You can't tell TWO women that you love them, especially when there are still really three left! Didn't the producers tell you the unwritten rules??? You're not supposed to say that until the very end!!! You are going to tear some hearts apart!!! I mean, I love them both too, but this seems kind of unfair. Don't just go throwing those words around! So even though Ben loves JoJo, he is still a bit wary about the brother situation. JoJo does all she can to assuage his fears, and Ben thinks he can handle it. Love can get them through anything! Anyway, they have an amazing fantasy suite experience, and Ben is conflicted, blah blah.

Now for the part we've been waiting for... time to break Caila's heart! But do robots even have hearts to break? Caila is still sure that Ben loves her back, but we know the truth! I love knowing something these dumb dumbs don't know. Smile more and tell me how happy you are to see Ben! So Caila decides to surprise Ben and heads to his house smiling and giggling, and I guess doesn't hear the somber soundtrack in the background... it's bad news for you, Caila... She sneaks up on Ben, and all he can think is, "ohhhh fuck...." Now he has to get rid of her now, instead of waiting until later. How can I do this diplomatically...? Ben does a good job letting her down easy, but does he seriously call her "kiddo"? Did that just happen? Gag me. Calia decides it is time to go, and even as she is crying, she is smiling. Does her robot programming not allow her to stop smiling? Surprisingly enough, Caila pulls a ballsy move and decides to question Ben about everything that happened this week. We know what she is really asking- why did you sleep with me if you were going to send me home? Dick. Ben plays it cool and assuages her fears, and Caila finally leaves. Smile-crying. Ben tries to pull out some tears but let's be honest, he dodged a bullet with that one. Weirdo...

So, don't forget, we still have a rose ceremony this week, even though it is already down to two. These girls need to get their roses! JoJo and Lauren arrive, and start to look around a bit... ummm where is Caila? Gone? Makes sense. Just give us the roses and let's get this show on the road. At the end of the day, Ben is a bit conflicted from being in love with two women. Sorry Ben, but you have to send one of them home! Or try to figure out a sister-wives situation. That might be the best idea.


Before we find out who he chooses, we have Women Tell All next week! Get ready for a dramatic night of bitches whining and crying. I for one cannot wait. Until then...

Week 8 Recap: Kids, Brothers, and Exes Galore

It's the drama-filled week we've been waiting for... Hometowns!!! Without wasting any time, we jump right into this episode, which means there is a lot of drama to come for sure. Ben starts off in Laguna Beach with Amanda. How did I miss the fact that she lives in Laguna? Does she know Kristin Cavallari??? Did they go to LBHS together? Really, that's all I care about. But first things first: Ben is going to meet Amanda's daughters today. This is the true test! And apparently Amanda also hasn't seen her daughters in weeks, because we have to witness her insanely tearful greeting of her girls. How has she already been in her hometown long enough to do all her makeup and hair, but she hasn't seen her kids yet? Shouldn't that be the first thing since does? Okay. So Ben spends the day with the little girls at the beach, and it is actually super boring. Like, he is good with kids and all, but I do not watch this show to see happy little families. I watch to see crazy bitches and their drama. Enough with the children. After the beach, Ben thinks that his feelings towards Amanda are stronger than ever, but... has he seen what fatherhood is REALLY like yet?? Screaming toddlers. Diapers. Toys everywhere. How's that going to go over with him...?


Does Amanda own any tops that AREN'T this style??

Amanda drives them all back to her house in her mom car, with the screaming children in their car seats in the back. But Ben is totally understanding of that... Okay. Ben meets Amanda's parents and sisters who seem pretty skeptical about him taking on this little family. Does he really want this....? (No.) Amanda gets to chat with her mom, and it's a good thing she's wearing waterproof makeup today, because I think she's already cried 3 or 4 times today. Ugh. Apparently Ben was sooo great to the girls (because duh, he's a great person), that Amanda is now totally in love with him. But was I the only was who was insanelyyyyy bored with that entire segment? Sorry Amanda. I like, you, and I appreciate single moms, but... I'm over it.

Next comes the one we've actually been waiting for- Lauren B's home town! Ben heads to Portland to meet her family and hopefully get to hear Lauren say she loves him... but we'll see about that. They first head to the city to get lunch at some food trucks, and they are just the perfect little couple enjoying the day together. Lauren even takes him to a whiskey library, which apparently is a thing, and she pretty much wins every guy's heart with that one. But, it's not all roses and sunshine yet, because Ben does need to meet the family and get their approval... The family is of course skeptical, and they are very close knit, so Ben better fit in! Ben has a little sit down with the sister, and in case it wasn't SO obvious that Lauren is his #1 choice, he full on starts crying when trying to describe his feelings for Lauren. Not only that, but Lauren starts crying when she describes her feelings for him! JUST GET MARRIED ALREADY!!! End it now. They are clearly perfect for each other. The end! Unfortunately, Lauren is not quite ready to tell Ben that she loves him... because her dad still seemed skeptical. Lauren! Just follow your heart! But I mean, you really shouldn't be concerned that you are going home this week... Please.

Just propose already!!!

Our next stop is Caila's hometown in Ohio. In case I haven't made this clear yet, I am over Caila. I just feel like she is confusing and has trouble putting sentences together, and doesn't really know what she's doing in life. But I think Ben is intrigued by that. Oh, and she is beautiful. So there's that. Just when I thought she couldn't be more immature and childlike, she takes him to her father's toy factory so they can build a toy house together... So they build the toy house, and it's just as if they are building a real home together! ...Ugh. She just seems so young and odd. Later, Ben gets to meet the family and indulge in some authentic Filipino food. Well this is new for you, Ben! But are you ready to become fully immersed into the Filipino culture...? We will see... So Caila is super crazy emotionally in love and can't stop crying about how real this is... But, are we missing something? Because I feel like this is just the crazy talking. Try growing up and then get back to us about this whole thing. Luckily for Caila, her mom thinks that Ben might love Caila back, so that means this is the real deal! Her mom told her that he might love her! Moms never lie! Even though she runs downstairs ready to throw herself onto Ben, she chickens out of saying that she loves him. Geez, is nobody gonna say it??? Not even the crazy one??? How odd.

Just crazy with emotion here!!!

Now, saving the most dramatic for last... we head to JoJo's hometown of Dallas and the drama starts right away. JoJo gets to her house to find roses and a letter sitting at her front door. Immediately she assumes they are from Ben and excitedly starts reading the note. But about halfway through the first page, she finally starts to realize what it says and- how awkward- turns it over to see that it is actually signed by... Chad! Her ex! And what a SHOCK that this guy is just now finding his feelings for her now that she is on a TV show! What crazy timing! JoJo obviously becomes very upset and decides to call Chad to tell him off. But this just gets her even more upset! And Ben is coming over any minute! The drama! Ben comes over while JoJo is still crying, and she spills everything to him. Luckily, we find out that she completely told off the ex bf, and NOW she is the happiest she has ever been. And Ben backed her up and supported her in all of this! What a great guy. Is this the whole date she has planned? Sitting in her house talking about her ex and her feelings? I guess so, and I guess it's time to meet the family now.. Hope there are no mean brothers there to ruin the night!!! This family is clearly super obsessed with each other, and her 2 brothers are reallyyyy attached to JoJo. Like, in a weirdly close way. And they are out for blood right now. Nobody is good enough for JoJo, not even perfect-in-every-way Ben Higgins. JoJo's mom says to go for it, but the brothers think that JoJo is way more invested than Ben is. They even accuse him of brainwashing the girls into falling in love with him! Apparently they think he is being fake and has been coached into answering their questions using a 2-second delay..? What an awkward confrontational conversation! Everyone is convinced that Ben is going to crush her and then spit on her as she walks away, and I'm like, clearly you haven't been watching the show! They are great together! You'll see!

Finally, it is rose ceremony time... and one of these ladies is going home! The big slap in the face that your life is not good enough to be with Ben. Lauren gets the first rose, no surprise there, but Caila gets the second one. Ughhhhhh I can't even. And for the biggest rose of the night... JoJo gets it. Sending Amanda home. I mean, are we surprised that he sends the mom home after spending the day with her cranky kids? No. He's doing the right thing by letting her go now. So long, Amanda! Hope you find the dad that your kids need! Amanda is rightfully pissed off that she introduced him to her kids and then he dumped her, but I mean... have you watched this show before? Does it EVER work out with someone who has kids? The answer to that riddle is no. So really.. you should have known, right? Next week, we will see Ben narrow it down to TWO girls, AND he will admit to loving BOTH of them!!! Stay tuned to see how that works out for him... Until then!

Week 7 Recap: Ben the Small Town Hero

Welcome to Week 7! We are already down to 6 girls at this point, and really, anything can happen from here on out. This week, Ben is taking the girls to his hometown of Warsaw, Indiana, and I'm like... how lame. Remember when this show used to take people all over Europe??? And now they somehow end up in the Midwest every season. Wild... Ben does get a chance to check in with his parents and describe each of the girls to them. And he makes it so clear who he is most into... JoJo, Lauren, and Amanda. Duh. But can we just quickly acknowledge that all six remaining girls like love each other? I feel like I'm watching a little group of sorority sisters playing in the fall leaves here. But I digress... Ben is super excited to show off his hometown to the girls, starting with his first date of the week with... Lauren! And the other girls are all soooo jealous because it's so obvious that he likes her the best. But really, he does, and some of you should just give up now.....

Ben takes Lauren B around his neighborhood to show off his old schools and hangout spots, and I am finally starting to see how boring Ben is. I mean, he was clearly the big time stud of his town- high school quarterback, worked at the youth center, all-around local star. But, he's a small town guy at heart for sure. Ben and Lauren head to the youth center and have fun playing with the kids, and Ben even brings in some famous Indiana Pacers stars (his close personal friends?) to hang out with the kids. Ben proves to us that he is actually amazing with kids and once again shows that he is 100% the nicest person alive. He may be kind of boring, but my god is he a sweetheart. I know he is kind of lame, but I still just love him!!!!!!! And clearly Lauren does too. Such a perfect couple!!!

Good thing Ben has such famous friends!

Later, Lauren addresses the ridiculous allegations that Leah arbitrarily threw out there last week about her being "different in the house," and clearly they are fine... he trusts Lauren way more than that psycho he sent home last week. They finish the night at Ben's favorite local dive bar, where Lauren gets to meet and hang out with all of his friends. And it looks like they are in the perfect little happy relationship. This is the big time!!! This is for real!!! Why is anyone else still even here??? End the show now.

Just when I think it's over, I remember that JoJo is still there. The other favorite. And she has a one-on-one date too... So maybe things aren't decided quite yet. Ben takes JoJo to Chicago (which I guess is close to Warsaw, IN? Who knew?) and they get to hang out at Wrigley Field, home of Ben's favorite team. How is he not like freaking out about how awesome this is??? He's being so nonchalant. Ben and JoJo play some baseball and hang out on the field (while their every moves are being broadcast on the big screen... weird), and Ben admits that he is more himself around her than anyone else... That's kind of a big deal. They literally just spend the entire day at Wrigley Field, including having their romantic dinner in the middle of the field. It seems too windy for this... But what do I know? Ben is ready to get JoJo to open up, and I too am hoping she gets vulnerable! JoJo is just scared, in case you didn't get that from the 800 times she said it. But she is. Scared. She wants love, but she is scared. JoJo. Ben is incredible and one of the greatest guys in the world, so stop. Be confident and let him love you!!! She does confirm that her heart is indeed open for love, and, could it be, she is finally NOT scared anymore!!! Baseball. Saving relationships one date at a time. 

Sparks flying on the field!

Next up is the group date with Caila, Amanda, and Becca. I'm actually okay if none of them gets the rose. I guess I like Amanda the best, but all-in-all... meh. They spend the day row boating and flying kites and it looks superrrrrrrrr boring. But wait, there's more- hanging out in a barn! Didn't Becca just reject someone who took her into a barn on their final date? Why are we doing this all over again?? Ben has a great chat with self-deprecating Amanda (I can't understand why anyone would ever like me even though I am drop dead gorgeous....), and an okay chat with frustrated Becca. Dear Becca, everyone hates you for toying with Chris's heart and being awful on that season. So go home. Ben doesn't want a virgin, and we definitely don't need your monotonous voice boring us with your inane conversations. Bye. Finally, Ben talks to Caila, and I think I've figured her out. She is super beautiful, so it makes us blind to the fact that she is super odd and is incapable of a serious commitment. So wishy-washy. I'm pretty much over her too. The group date rose goes to Amanda, and I am not surprised, but Becca is nottttt happy. She is clearly used to being desired (I mean, Chris was crazy obsessed with her), and now Ben is not showing her that extreme desire, so she's getting all pouty about it. Everyone is supposed to want me! I'm virginal for goodness sakes! Just go home.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Caila looks like a sad little lost puppy, and Becca wonders why she is even still there. I wonder that too, Becca. They wouldn't be so sad if they knew that Ben was taking Amanda on the dumbest date in the history of The Bachelor. To McDonald's. Stop. What is this? Is this what you think it will be like to be a dad or something??? Or is this just your ideal hangout spot?Oh lord. The rose is sitting on the McDonald's tray. This is so white trash I cannot even deal. Oh but that is not all- he also takes her to a little small town carnival in Ben's honor, and I am literally liking him less and less. The ferris wheel rides aren't even romantic, it's just awkward. Is this what life with Ben will be like??? Pass.

Finally, it is time for Emily's first (and let's be honest, her last) one-on-one date. She is sooo young and immature. I mean, she's 23, so it's not her fault. But seriously, she is NOT ready for a future with Ben. As Caila says, she's a bright-eyed puppy with a lot to learn. But for some unknown reason, Ben is taking her home to meet his parents... what a waste. Emily admits that she doesn't know how to talk to people, and she is definitely proving that. She talks on and on for the longest time to Ben's mom, and we have absolutely no idea what she is saying. Except for the part where she dreams of being an NFL cheerleader. But the rest of this "conversation"... What are you talking about?!? I can't even watch this, it is so painful. Ben's mom is desperately trying to find a nice way to sway Ben away from her because let's be honest, Emily is a child. Mom even gets choked up at the thought of Ben picking Emily. Yeah. Listen to your mom. Goodbye Emily. Thankfully, Ben takes her advice, and takes Emily back home to say goodbye for good. He knows they could never be married, and it is better off this way. So long!

Emily heads back into the house to say farewell to the girls, and they are literally all crying. Whyyyy? This is not sad or a surprise to any of us! Stop ugly crying and just move on. Finally we get to the rose ceremony, and Ben knows what he has to do. Obviously Lauren and JoJo get the first 2 roses, but who will get the final rose??? It goes to Caila (duh), which means Becca is going home. Guess you'll have to find someone else to take your virginity... so close!! Anyway, this means the top 4 are as predicted, and we get to see the hometowns of Lauren, JoJo, Caila, and Amanda. Next week will likely not be too surprising, but I can't wait to see what drama is in store for hometowns! Until then!

Commentary: The Bachelor at 20- A CAN'T MISS TV EVENT

If you can believe it, there have now been 20 seasons of The Bachelor. TWENTY. (And oh by the way, that doesn't include the 11 Bachelorette seasons). Tonight is a night that I could not resist blogging about. I mean, they are bringing out all of our favorite stars, with an open bar, and a "surprise" wedding. How could this be anything less than incredible?!? As I sit here with my glass of wine, totally geeking out about how excited I am to see everyone, I find that I have so much to say. So here it is- the most important gossip and drama you need to know, just in case (heaven forbid), you missed this once in a lifetime amazing event.

• Unsurprisingly, Clare and Michelle Money are cougaring it up- as Clare says- they are the "old ladies" just there to prowl on all the fresh young hotties. God I love them so much. I just want them to find happiness, but I also don't know what I would do without desperate Clare's crazy ass comments. Please get wasted and make out with a 24 year old on the dance floor tonight!!!

• Ashley I is STILL trying to get with Jared. Oh Ashley............ please just stop it! Give up! He is just not that into you, as he told you what, SIX times in Paradise.  I know you say that you are just friends now, but expecting him to make a move on you tonight does not really equate to you giving up on romance... Also, following him around like a little puppy is definitely not the way to get some. Jared is SO clear that he loves being FRIENDS and that he has NO interest in her romantically. Ashley I makes it SO clear that she wants to go to third base with him. ASHLEY. How many times do you need to go through this??? It is NEVER ever ever going to happen. Though it wouldn't be a Bachelor special without seeing your glorious tears. 

• Ali Fedotowsky is PREGNANT?!? How did I miss this??? I've been too out of the celeb gossip loop. And I was still holding out hope that she and Roberto would end up back together... Or at least she and Frank,, Sadly, I guess that dream needs to end. But I am happy for her because I still love love love her.
• Why is Ashley and JP's kid sooo ugly? I mean I'm sorry, I know we aren't supposed to go after kids, but with beautiful parents like Ashley and JP, you'd expect a much cuter child... No wonder they didn't want to come tonight. I'd be ashamed too. So sad! But they are sooo happy together so I guess, who cares?
• In case you didn't realize, Trista and Ryan are STILL married! For 12 years! See America, this is REAL! It can WORK! Remain hopeful!!! 
• I could literally rewatch a montage of all the Bachelor proposals every day for the rest of my life. And I would tear up every damn time. GOD I LOVE THIS SHOW.
• Chris Soules is actually a total horndog creep. This should have been obvious to us when he made out with literally every girl on the show in the first week, but now that he is single and ready to mingle, it's kind of out of control how much he wants to get with these girls. How did we ever let him be the Bachelor??? He is gross. (For the record, I was never a fan...)
• Onion Ashley Salter is 7 months pregnant. She apparently got knocked up like the day after she returned home from Paradise. Fascinating. I will never understand this one. But yes, she is pretty pregnant. Hmm.

• Are Marcus and Lacy broken up??? I have to assume so. There have been many rumors swirling, and now, this special is making NO mention of them. If they really were still together, Chris Harrison would definitely include them with all the other "success stories," but alas, no mention of either of them, or them as a couple. I mean, should we be shocked that Marcus finally realized that Lacy was nothing more than blonde hair and big boobs? No.
• Erica Rose is pregnant and having a shotgun wedding. Which is apparently her dream... Oh Erica Rose. You are amazing. In related news, PLEASE BRING BACK BACHELOR PAD!!!! God I miss it so much. Bachelor in Paradise is great, but hooking up AND competing for money?? Can't beat it.

In case there was any question- the "surprise" wedding tonight is Jade & Tanner! Duh. We all knew this wedding was going to happen fast, since they are SO IN LOVE. I actually do really like them, so I hope it works out! Not only do we get to see their wedding, but we get to see all the hard work that Jade and Tanner ABC put into the planning! You know what would be really great? Getting to pick out your wedding dress on Rodeo Drive, having professionals do everyone's hair and makeup, and having Matt Nathanson sing for your walk down the aisle, because YOU AREN'T PAYING FOR ANY OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!! In other news, Jade, I know you were in Playboy and all, but you really don't need to wear a gown that looks like lingerie... I'm sure there are classier options out there. Other highlights: Chris Harrison officiating of course, Carly as one of the bridesmaids slash musical performer (love her!), and the entire audience being Bachelor alums (did they even get to invite their own guests???). Despite their own written vows (vomit), the wedding was pretty sweet and they are indeed adorable. Hope it lasts! But any marriage that starts with a Seal serenade is destined to last, right?

As the special episode comes to a close, I can't help but wish there was some sort of epilogue detailing who ended up hooking up with who at the end of the night. I guess we might find out one day at the next Bachelor wedding, Regardless, here is to an AMAZING night. I laughed. I cried. I threw up a little. And I can't wait to see whose wedding is next!!! Until then...

Week 6 Recap: Diving Into Pig-Infested Waters

Tonight is the night! Shit is about to get real with Olivia and who knows, she may even be sent home!!! Right... In our dreams. We start where we left off (To Be Continued just before the rose ceremony) with Ben pulling Olivia aside for a chat... Some of the naïve girls think she is being sent home, but really he just wants to get her perspective on all this drama. Poor Olivia just wants him to know how hard things have been for her! It's just so hard for me to be in the house when I have a target on my back! I'm sorry but I just want to read books. I want to talk. Smart. Things. Good old Olivia, as eloquent as ever. Ben, a sweetheart as always, keeps her around just to give her another try, and the girls are shocked! "But she is fake as f*ck!!!" Do you ladies not know how this show works?

It's finally time for last week's rose ceremony, and guess who gets sent home? The only one who has had absolutely no on-camera time and no alone time with Ben??? Yes, that's Jennifer. I feel like she is actually kind of awesome, but apparently Ben is just not trying to keep around any brunettes. Why bother even getting to know you if you aren't blonde?? Or at least fake blonde. Watch out, Caila, you're next.

Well at least Ben and the girls are off to... the Bahamas! Which according to Amanda is the most romantic place they've been yet. Between L.A, Las Vegas, and the Bahamas...? Yeah, good call. So the first date card arrives and we all expect Leah because she is beautiful and hasn't had any quality time yet. But the one-on-one date goes to... Caila. Who has already had a one-on-one. This is actually kind of ridiculous. Don't you see the color of her hair??? Apparently the fact that their first date was a foursome with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube means that it didn't really count...... and they have unfinished business, and they are going to need to go fly fishing to figure out their relationship. Meanwhile, Leah shows us that she is one of the most practical contestants ever by realizing that she is done and might as well go home. I mean, she's right- week 6 and you haven't had any alone time? Yes, if he doesn't pick you this week, you are done. It's unfortunate because she is very pretty and seems cool, but she's right- if she stays, she will look like a fool, and is probably better off leaving on her own terms. Hope to see you on Bachelor in Paradise, Leah! I think you would do well there.

Token Brunette Caila!

So meanwhile on their date, Ben apparently is worried that Caila is always smiling and is not ready to cry on his shoulder. Don't you know that you are supposed to have a sob story that makes me want to keep you around?!? You need to share every deep secret and fear! Caila finally shares that she might love him, but she is afraid she will break his heart. DUH- she is a heart breaker!!! She dumped her last boyfriend after just watching the Bachelorette! She is super confusing and seems like she is for sure not ready for this, but apparently that is attractive to Ben, and now that he has listened to her ramble on about her heart versus her head, he knows she could be the one. Really? She seems like she could use some maturity and life experience, because I do not think I could deal with her as she is now. Well she gets the rose, because I guess we need to keep the token brunette around a little longer at least.

Next up, we have the group date, involving some bikini-clad women heading into shark infested waters. Or actually.. pig infested waters..? Apparently there is a beach in the Bahamas where pigs go swimming along the shore, and you feed them hot dogs as they chase you around squealing. This. Is. Weird. If things weren't already awkward enough, Ben decides he is feeling awkward and starts acting super weird around everyone. Wait, you mean dating 6 girls at the same place at the same time is uncomfortable? Crazy. Literally every conversation on this beach is excruciating, and they don't even have alcohol! That's the only thing getting ME through this. Maybe things will get better once the pigs are gone...?

Later we learn that apparently all the girls are totally losing it because they can see that Ben only has eyes for Lauren B. I mean, we all know she's the best one there, and there is clearly no denying it. But Ben is like, oh shit, I'm not supposed to pick the winning girl yet, I better reassure all the other girls so they stick around, or I won't get my full 10 weeks of fame! So out of nowhere, what does Leah do??? She throws Lauren B under the bus!!! Lauren B?!?! She is so sweet and beautiful and amazing!!! What do you mean she is "different in the house" and won't make him happy??? So now Ben is freaking out and worried about his relationship with Lauren B and we are like WHAT IS GOING ON??? I guess Leah is pulling out all desperate measures to get the frontrunners out of here, and flat out LYING about it to the girls. "What? Someone talked crap about you to Ben?? Who would do that?? I didn't!" Come on Leah, we were on your side only 30 minutes ago, and now you are denying throwing people under the bus??? You know there are cameras, right? And a Women Tell All show in a few weeks? Good luck there. At the end of the night, Amanda gets the group date rose, and we all fear for Lauren B. WHYYYY??? NOT LAUREN!!!

So Leah is in full on desperation mode as she decides to head over to Ben's place to further destroy Lauren B. What are you doing?!? At least target someone who deserves it like Olivia! Or maybe even try to seduce him to make yourself look better. We've seen this strategy before and it is almost never successful. You know what HAS been proven successful? Sex in the ocean. Might wanna change your approach... Shockingly enough, spending your time talking crap about the frontrunner instead of making your own connection DOESN'T work, and it backfires so much that Leah gets sent home right then and there!!! Oh Leah, why didn't you just take him down to the ocean..?

In case you forgot, after all that, we STILL have a TWO-ON-ONE!!! With Emily and Olivia. The most hated enemies. Ohhh this will be great. In true two-on-one fashion, they head off to some deserted beach area where their entire date will consist of awkward individual conversations will the other one just sits and bitches to the camera. First we get to hear about Olivia's recent deep intellectual revelations in her life, for example, that she loves Ben! Good one. Later, Emily tries to explain how serious she is about him and that she wants to start a life with him! But why won't she just pull her hair back into a goddamn ponytail so it doesn't have to fly into her face with these 100 mph winds?? Kind of ruins this conversation, Emily. Ben apparently now knows what he needs to do, and grabs the rose, and Olivia......... Whattttt??????? How could you possibly be choosing Olivia??? Just when you thought Ben was the typical Bachelor idiot, he shocks us all by telling her to go home! Apparently he is not ready to tell her he reciprocates her love at Week 6, shock, and leaves her standing alone in the middle of the water in hurricane force winds as he goes over to shore to give Emily the rose. Ohhh poor Olivia left alone in this cyclone of emotion! She literally watches Ben and Emily speed off in their private boat, and as we wonder how she is planning on getting off this island, we breathe a collective sigh of relief. So long, psycho.

Just when we thought there was no way this episode would end on time... it appears that Ben has cancelled the cocktail party and one of these women is going home without a chance to say anything more! I can't believe he is sending THREE home tonight- that is unexpected. Moving right along I guess... All my favorites (Lauren B & JoJo) are totally convinced they are done for, but come on, you are clearly safe. With Caila, Amanda, and Emily already having roses, the rest of the roses go to... Becca (ugh), JoJo (yay!), and Lauren B (we were supposed to be shocked but we aren't). That means Lauren H (the face) is heading home this week and I am not too sad about it. He can do way better than her.

So at the end of this week, all the girls left are actually pretty sweet, good girls, and I am not sure where he will be going from here. From previews it appears that some CRAZY SHIT is going down in the next few weeks, including Ben legit falling in love with 2 women and wanting to propose to them both. I can hardly wait to see how things end up... More to come next week!

Week 5 Recap: Bachelor or Spatchelor?

This week, Ben and the ladies are finally heading abroad, all the way to....... Central America! Mexico City to be exact. If one of the girls does not end up wearing a sombrero while butchering Spanish words at some point this episode, I will be sorely disappointed. There are still 11 girls here and Olivia is still sure that she is the one (and already says how much she loves him... wow), but the first date actually goes to... Amanda! The mom. The date card mentions putting "eggs in a basket" and all I can think is that this is some sort of metaphor for her being the only mom... Eggs... I mean... I can't be the only one thinking this. Anyway, Olivia is shocked that Ben would go for a mommmmm because. Who wants kids? To be honest, they almost never choose someone with kids, but I think Ben is just amazing enough to make it happen.

To start off the week, Ben decides to surprise the girls at 4:30 AM to wake them all up before Amanda's date. I mean, I guess it's a good idea to see what these girls really look like, minus the 5 layers of foundation and mascara. As expected, some of them are looking rough, including Lauren H in her retainer, and Jubilee with her weave laying next to her bed. Amazing. Somehow, Amanda must have known this was coming because she is in full makeup, hair perfectly done, and looking flawless. Either she expected it, or she has won the genetic lottery and every woman in America despises her right now.

Ben takes Amanda on a hot air balloon ride over the ancient pyramids and then on to a romantic picnic. I'm actually really digging their dynamic, but Amanda is continuously hinting at her "past" and how she has "so much to tell him." So I'm guessing something might throw a wrench in this one... It turns out that her ex husband was kind of the worst person ever and clearly wasn't ready to be a husband or father. But Amanda just always wanted a perfect family! She needs Ben to know that she's not just some failure who gives up on marriages- she tried to make it work! After hearing this story, Ben of course makes her feel like the most amazing person alive and compliments the shit out of her saying that he doesn't even deserve a girl like her and I'm like Bennnnnnnnnn stop being so incredibleeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! They are so sweet together and I think this is a finally a single mom-Bachelor relationship I can get behind.

Next up, we've got a group date with 9 women including obnoxious Jubilee and possibly more obnoxious Olivia. They are first going to take some Spanish lessons to learn some important tourist phrases including "I want to kiss you" and "You are the man for me." Helpful. Olivia pretty much takes Ben's attempts at learning Spanish as a serious marriage proposal, and Jubilee condemns him for even speaking to the other girls and stays 4 feet away from him at all times. These winners! Later they head to a restaurant where they will be dividing into teams and cooking- from recipes written in all Spanish. Shockingly, Emily (occupation: twin) is neither good at cooking nor Spanish, so she's not sure how this one will go. Meanwhile, Olivia decides to snag Ben as a partner, and he legit looks so unhappy about it. Ughhh not the one the producers made me keep around for entertainment value.... Why can't I spend the day with someone who doesn't creep me out every time she opens her mouth...? In fact, Emily legitimately threatens Olivia's life by holding up a butcher knife and saying "Adios Olivia..". Isn't that kind of a death threat?!? I'm not sure that's something you should do on national television...? But okay. The girls and Ben have a great time cooking (minus no-fun pouty-face Jubilee), and Ben even changes his title to the Spatchelor. Ohh Ben. It would be cheesey, but please, I could never hate on you Ben!!! The chefs actually choose Lauren B and Jubilee's dish as the best of the night, which obviously means that Jubilee will be his future wife!! Because that's how it works.

Later that night they all head to a cocktail party where, what else is new, Olivia grabs Ben for some time first. Because she didn't already spend all day with him. Get out. Ben spends lots of time with the ladies, and particularly Lauren B, who gets a looong trip out to the streets of Mexico City and some major make out time. Won't lie, it's pretty hot between them. Finally when he returns from his Lauren B time, he pulls Jubilee aside, who doesn't even want to hold his hand. All she wants to do is complain that she's not a Lauren B or a Becca, and Ben is like ummm why don't you even want to sit close to me or hold my hand? Clearly this is not the right environment for you. I mean, this would be so much easier if it was just the two of us........ duh. Luckily, Ben decides to be an amazing human being yet again, and tells her straight up, like a man, that he is not feeling it. Maybe she should just leave. So there she goes. SEE YA. We won't miss you and your immature drama. The time finally comes for Ben to pass out the date rose and we are all legitimately stunned- Olivia gets the rose. We are all so confused. He was acting like he wasn't even feeling her anymore, and he was SOOO into Lauren B, JoJo, etc. So. This is dumb.

The last date this week goes to Lauren H, who I am super on-the-fence about. There's something about her face. I just don't like it. She seems sweet enough, but I just don't want to look at her. Hmm. It turns out that Ben is taking her to Mexico City Fashion Week, which I feel like is one of the coolest dates ever. Apparently Lauren is legit going to model in this show, and I'm sure all the real models are like, bitch.. please. Part of me was really hoping she was going to pull a Carrie Bradshaw and totally just eat it on the runway, but alas, she actually did a pretty decent job. I mean, she wasn't as amazing of a model as say, Ben, but pretty good nonetheless. Later, they have a romantic dinner date and Lauren H decides that she needs a sob story too.. but the best she can come up with is being dumped by a guy who cheated on her. Oh honey, that's not a good enough story to keep you around until the end... one more week maybe, but no more than that. Maybe if your face was just a little easier to look at. Still, she gets the rose and we are not shocked.

What is it about this face.....?

Finally, the night of the rose ceremony arrives, and everyone is getting nervous. Except Olivia. Who clearly studied up on "how to be the crazy bitch on your season of the Bachelor" because she is pulling out all the stops. Including the obnoxious waving the rose in front of the cameras during her interviews. Enough. Ben gets some time with JoJo (favorite) and Lauren B (other favorite), and things are looking good with them. And then... the bombs start to drop. As Amanda is talking about her kids, Olivia says that she feels like this is an episode of Teen Mom. And we are all like.. what the fuck. Yeah, that's kind of offensive to a 24 year old mom of 2 who was actually a married adult when she had kids. Olivia apologizes by crying about how bad she feels about herself, and we cannot even deal. Emily decides it is time to say something to Ben about this, and she does try to (she's got some balls!), until she is interrupted by... Olivia! Bitches better not be talking shit about me right now! Olivia tries to distract Ben from this drama, but he is determined to get to the bottom of this and starts asking all the girls about what's really going on... Way to be the good guy yet again, Ben!

...Or not quite yet. They are pulling another To Be Continued on us this week and it just might kill me! Remember how everyone HATES these??? Ben decides he needs to chat with Olivia one more time before the rose ceremony, but all the girls are convinced that she will be going home... Please, if it was only that easy. Previews for next week's episode show literally every girl except Olivia crying and being pissed, so clearly nothing good happens for us. It looks like shit is about to get even more real next week, and I honestly don't know which direction he is going to go. Just as long as he keeps my faves around, I'll be happy! One whole week until we find out... Until then...