Monday, January 28, 2013

Week 4 Recap: "I can't take the fakeness!"

Get ready for some Tierra drama tonight!  Sean is down to 13, and I cannot wait to see some more of these chicks head home.  ...And attack each other verbally and physically.  Our first date of the night is a one-on-one with... Selma!  Selma cannot wait to take it to the next level with Sean and then have babies.  She is ready for her date dressed in workout clothes (with plenty of cleavage) and I am wondering what this date will be all about...  Selma is really showing us her depth- she told Sean that she wants to be seen for more than her pretty face and being hot, and also drops to Sean that she weighs in at an emaciated 110 lbs.  No superficiality here!

Sean takes Selma on a private plane which clearly he is paying for himself, and Selma cannot even believe it is happening.  The glamorous date continues with... a trip to the desert!  Selma does not seem thrilled, but we all know that by the end of the day she will be labeling the date as the best day of her life.  Sean wants to test Selma's ability to handle being outdoorsy, and I am sure she will pass with flying colors!  Or she may just flaunt her hot bod at him and blind him into really believing she is perfect for him.  Either way.  Selma warns us of her immense fear of heights when she discovers that the task is rock climbing- I just hope that Sean's strength and confidence can help her through it and that they will grow closer as a couple because of this shared experience!  Shockingly, Selma makes it to the top and feels amazing with Sean's arms around her at the top of the mountain.  This crap is getting so predictable I want to vomit.  Or take another swig of my wine.

Later, Sean takes Selma to a romantic dinner- at an RV park. He sure is testing this girlie girl's tolerance.  It takes such an intense level of fake at this point for Selma to act the way Sean wants her to act, I am actually impressed.  They discuss Selma's Muslim roots and her reluctance to kiss on national television.  Sorry Selma, that does not bode well for you...  There's a whole house full of girls waiting, ready and willing to kiss him (and more...) and I am guessing he may be swayed by their tongues more than your "innocence."  She gets the rose anyway and we just wait until he gets tired of waiting to take the next step... Yawn.

Time for the group date and some roller derby!!  Sean can't wait to see these bitches knock each other to the ground.  Tierra lets us know that she has had some building aggression, and she is ready to kick some ass.  Most of these girls are struggling to even stay on their feet and the crashes are wildly entertaining.  In other news, Sarah is struggling to skate with her one arm, bringing the focus right back onto her.  I can only predict that Sean will be so impressed with her willingness to get back out there that he will think even more highly of her and maybe even give her the rose.  Finally, cocky little Amanda takes a major spill and possibly breaks her chin.  Maybe the attention will be moved back to her now!  I'm telling you, 5 minutes into the date and I'm over these train wrecks.  Great date, Sean!  He changes his mind and decides they should just free skate and I am more bored than ever. 

This will not end well... great date, Sean!  (ABC)

Finally it is time for the girls to "let loose" aka lose their shit at each other.  Tierra acts like a bitch to all the other girls because she is so over the group dates.  Amanda gets back from the hospital and Tierra is even more pissed that her time is shortened more.  Amanda informs us that she plans to milk this injury for all it is worth and that she'll definitely take a sympathy rose.  She wishes her tonsils had been injured so that Sean would kiss those.  Yikes.  She is clearly here for the right reasons.  Meanwhile, back in Tierraland, she is about to walk out of here.  The girls are just awful.  She can't trust anyone and it is so annoying.  She deserves more than this- being tortured every day is just crazy!  She can't take the fakeness!  She is breaking down inside!  She can't be tortured like this!  She interrupts Sean and Lindsay getting it on so she can tell Sean about her problems, and Sean is really concerned about her.  Sean convinces her that she indeed still likes him and wants to spend time with him, and that she should stay.  Sean talks her into staying by giving her the rose and we are all shocked.  Tierra is clearly the best player in this game and Sean is such a naive idiot.  Again, Tierra will win and I may as well quit this now.  ...Okay fine maybe not.

All's fair in love and bitchiness (ABC)
Okay last date of the night goes to Leslie H.  How can I even pay attention to this after all the drama and bullshit I just went through?!  Sean has planned a full-on Pretty Woman date for Leslie and I can't lie- I am pretty jealous.  Sean is just like Richard Gere!  Minus the whole actually having his own money to spend on the girl, and the whole having a successful career, and the whole personality thing.  Alas.  I cannot believe that Sean sits through this whole shopping endeavor as she tries on dresses- pretty sure that he got bored and just told her that one was the best, because I'm not thinking it was the greatest choice.  Sean then "buys" Leslie a massive diamond necklace that completely clashes with the dress and we all wish we could be on a reality show and have ABC funding our lives!  Yes I am jealous.  They get all dressed up to show off for everyone on their private date and enjoy some exciti--er--yawn-inducing conversation.  Sean knows she is a great girl but just isn't feeling it... Could it be that Sean is FINALLY narrowing down the field using actual feelings?!?  Poor Sean, it is so frustrating to not feel a connection!  Sean breaks Leslie's heart and we are all so devastated. Leslie leaves by giving Sean the necklace and a little warning about some girls who aren't here for the right reasons.  And in true Bachelor fashion, Sean finishes the intended final part of the date by listening to the live artist playing a sad song, alone rather than with Leslie.  How emotional.  Leslie tells us that she would give back all the clothes and diamonds in exchange for more time with Sean.  Ohhh innocent Leslie, I think you will change your mind after watching the season.  Not to mention- diamonds!!!

On to the cocktail party!  Robyn entices Sean with her "chocolate" pick-up lines and he clearly cannot resist her chocolate.  She laughs awkwardly and I am over her.  Tierra starts to get angry about all the girls talking about her, and she cannot understand why all the heat is on her! What did she do anyway?!  She just has a target on her back for no reason!  She is the victim here!  She must have closely studied Courtney's words and actions from Ben's season, because this is like deja vu.  She apologizes to Robyn and Jackie (which was admittedly fake and forced), and all is happy again!  Sure.  She actually hates drama and is really so chill, but she just likes Sean so much!  She needs reassurance, but Sean knows she is a good person and doesn't worry about what others say.  Wait where have I heard this before?  Every. Season.

Time for the rose ceremony and only 1 woman is going home.  Ugh.  I am convinced this season may go on for 6 months at this rate.  The final rose is down to Amanda and Daniela and I wish they would both just leave.  Amanda gets sent home and I am actually ecstatic!  Good riddance to you, ya fake loser.  Hope your chin heals up!  Next week is apparently a 2-night event, hopefully in order to get rid of more of them faster, and I cannot wait until Tierra gets injured and milks it for Sean's sympathy yet again!  This season is just so original I can't even handle it!

Bonus of the night: In the final closing credits of the episode we see Sean trying to operate a manual vehicle on his date with Selma.  Turns out he forgot to take off the e-brake.  It was so pathetic it should have been endearing but... not.  Just another credit to Sean's lameness and inability to be a real man.  Oh Sean, why???  Tune in next week for the double-the-fun event!  Until then, stay bitchy!

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