Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Week 1 Recap: Brides, Bullies, and 50 Shades of Drunk

Night One of Sean's season starts out in typical Bachelor fashion with touching scenes of Sean standing on the shoreline of the ocean pondering his life and his search for love.  But it actually turns into a night unlike the typical Bachelor openers that we have become so accustomed to.  Read on to find out more...

Turns out, I had forgotten about Sean's hot body and his love of working out.  Luckily, the producers reminded me in the first 5 minutes of this episode.  Thank you, ABC for flaunting the one redeeming quality about Sean all over the screen, and for costuming him in all those V-necks.  Gotta love it.  We start off with a touching recap of Sean's desperate search for love and his pathetic story of losing the psycho-bitch Emily.  Just breaks my heart!  Enough.

Next, Sean gets a special visitor... ARIE!!  Arie reminds us yet again why HE should be the Bachelor on this season.  All of that wit and charm, 5 minutes with him is not enough!  His kissing advice actually killed me.  What woman wasn't jealous of Emily's make out sessions with him??  I hope Sean took those tongue usage demonstrations seriously and will put those to use- maybe then he'll have one more asset to add to his looks and naivete.

Time to meet the crazies- er- women!! First, the producers introduce us to the ones who actually matter.  Desiree: Love her!  She is perfect for Sean, so she will make it pretty far (ala Kacie B on Ben's season), but she seems pretty normal so she won't win.  Tierra will win.  She is a crazy bitch who knows how to lie and manipulate, and she's got 2 pretty big assets that Sean will be drawn to. It is clear she will be the most hated, and the front runner all season. Diana: the mom.  Sorry, Sean doesn't want a divorcee with 2 kids.  No offense, but you won't win.  Sarah: the one-armed girl. Ughhhh you cannot make fun of a one-armed girl, and HOW is Sean supposed to kick off a one-armed girl without it seeming like he is doing it because she has one arm?? This will get awkward. Ashely: she has NO idea why she doesn't have a boyfriend. Oh maybe because the two men in her life are her cat and Christian Grey from 50 Shades.... ummmmm.... Lesley: she just accused DC of being full of nerds and politicians.  Hey now.  Plenty of nice guys in the DC area, Lesley!  No way she can win, she is far too smart and driven for Sean. Kristy: She's a Ford Model- that's "just crazy." "Girls will be jealous of me."  Yup, she's a winner. AshLee: yes, that is spelled correctly.  I want to be you because of your mad organizing skills.  But you will be FAR too high maintenance and you have FAR too much emotional baggage for Sean, sorry.

My prediction for the winner... Crazy Tierra! (ABC)

And now for the rest.  Jackie: get that lipstick out of here.  Sean does not want that on his face all night.  If only he had a mirror, he would know... Thank goodness Selma had that hankie in her massive cleavage to help him out. Daniella: brush your hair and get that handshake OUT of here.  Kelly: that fake tan.  I almost vomited looking at you.  No, it is not your singing that Sean didn't like. Katie: are you 45 years old? Because you look about that.  Yikes.  Please fix that. Taryn: You are too boring, sorry.  In any other world you would be great, but this is tv.  Robyn: stop.  I got really excited that you were a real gymnast when you turned around and set up for a walkover!  And then you crashed to your head.  HUMILIATING.  Just give up now. PLEASE!  Lacey: That lace heart is not necessary.  How could he possibly forget you and all your natural beauty??  PAIGE! From BACH PAD 3?!?! I am excited.

Oh and back to Tierra.  I already decided that she will win, so what is this shocking surprise at her first meeting with Sean?  They just VIBED!  SO he breaks the rules for her and gives her the rose IMMEDIATELY.  Yep, she will win. The end. No use in even commenting on any of the others.  Okay fine I have to comment on Lindsay: she comes out in a wedding gown AND goes for the full on kiss on the lips.  This is too extreme even for Sean, the desperate romantic.  As Lindsay says about herself: "Who does this?"  Yeahhhh wrong choice.

This is how you win a man's heart. (ABC)

And now for the BIGGEST surprise!  I was expecting someone horrible from a past season, but instead we get... KACIE B!!!!!! My favorite contestant EVER!  So excited to have her back!  LOVE HER!  Can't say enough about my excitement.  How can these girls hate on her so much???  Umm because they are jealous, as they know how amazing she is.  I guess I would be worried too, and therefore I may talk some crap as well... Oh well, as an outside commentator, I'm glad she's there!!!

Now for the SECOND rose of the night.  Desiree!  My favorite from the beginning! I'm so torn because I thought of her as this season's Kacie B, but now......

OMG Sean is breaking all the rules!! These girls cannot fathom this concept that he might just hand out roses without a formal ceremony!  This is NOT how these shows have gone in the past, Sean!  Though I am questioning some of his choices already... Robyn? Selma? Jackie? Really?  Plus he is right, it is now superrr awkward when there are roses laying in front of all of them when they chat, and some clearly don't get them.  Yikes.  But I mean, when you are acting like tonight is your wedding, you probably shouldn't expect anything...

Ohh Ashely P.  Such entertainment. I really just don't know why she is still single!  Could it be her alcohol consumption?  Her obsession with Christian Grey? Her solo booty dancing?  It's just so hard to pinpoint the problem.

And poor Taryn.  She didn't realize this would be a competition where she would need to fight for a man's attention with other girls.  Hmm.... Have you seen the show before?  And poor Sarah.  She doesn't want it to be about her one arm, yet all she talks about is her one arm.  And yes, Sean did feel uncomfortable. And yes, it is now clear that when she gets eliminated it will be all about the arm.  Sorry Sean, you are in a tight spot here...

Time for the rose ceremony!  Oh wait, 12 girls already have roses.  And he is keeping 21 girls!! That is ridiculous. Weed them out faster please!  We all know who will be in the top anyway.  Don't give these people false hope!  And he keeps LINDSAY?? Wow.  Good luck with that. I think I feel the worst for Paige.  Poor girl, she is such a super-fan and she gets eliminated night 1 of Bachelor Pad AND night 1 of the Bachelor.  Yikes.... wonder if she'll still be such a big fan?  Overall, I am NOT shocked at the ones who were eliminated, I just hoped more of the lame-o's would have been... I guess there is always next week.

UGH the season previews always make everything so difficult to predict.  It looks like perfect Desiree will be pulling a Frank from Ali's season and go back to an ex instead of winning the show.  Boo.  I still believe Tierra will make it to the end- she is like Courtney x 1000 in her psychotic levels.  Stay tuned into the season and check out next week's commentary to see what happens!

1 comment:

  1. hahaha this is hilarious! My roomate and I watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette every season and do exactly what your blog does. Talk about the girls/guys and try to predict the winner. I agree with most that you say here, however, I am so happy the Bachelor is Sean and not Ari. Ari annoys me to no end. I kinda get a gay vibe and just not my type. I am wondering now though, if Sean is really as much of a "good boy" that he came accross as on Emily's season.

    I do wish he had kept Ashley P. for mere entertainment purposes. That drunk was kinda funny at times. He should have gotten rid of the drunken bride, but then again...it wouldn't be TV!