The Bachelorette Week 5: Gotta Get That Kiss

As you may remember (how could we forget?), the ultimate bad boy Chad is gone, but that doesn't mean the drama is gone! JoJo and her 8 guys are in Buenos Aires this week, and it is just the perfect place to fall in love. This week we will get a one-on-one, a group date, AND another two-on-one!! For the first time ever.. what is JoJo doing?! Why would she want yet another horrible awkward situation? Who knows.


The first one-on-one date is going to Wells, who is adorable, but admits that he is the only one who hasn't even KISSED JoJo yet. And the other guys do everything possible to make him feel bad about it. So. Basically this whole date is one giant build up to kissing her, and the most uncomfortable situation EVER. All anyone can think about is when the kiss is going to happen, and how it better be amazing, or he is gone... I mean, is there actually any chemistry between them? We'll see. The date involves doing weird Argentine performance art, and the best Wells can do at this point is an awkward kiss on the cheek. So. FINALLY, they end up in this crazy sexy suspended pool all sliding around and grabbing at each other, and it's finally the right time for Wells. And it happens! And JoJo announces her excitement to the world. So awkward. Is this chemistry, or just some weird date you later try to forget? So later, JoJo tries to get to know Wells a bit more, but it feels like their lack of chemistry is enough to make JoJo want to shut the door on this one. He clearly has some issues with physical relationships and chemistry, and JoJo is NOT trying to pursue that. I get you girl. He's cute and sweet, but we need that passion!!! It's just not there, so Wells gets sent home, and we are not surprised. Don't feel bad, I'm sure he'll be fine one day. JoJo leaves the date and heads to some sort of outdoor rave(?) all alone, and it really has just been the weirdest day. Moving on.

The next date will be a group date with 5 of the guys, all of whom I like, but especially of course Robby and Jordan. They spend the day walking around town, and end up playing a soccer game against some locals. Poor James Taylor starts getting really self deprecating as he realizes that he is definitely not as hot or athletic as the others. I mean, yeah. Jordan.. Luke.. Alex.. Robby.. Yeah. I won't lie, hard to compete with that. But somehow James is the only one to score a PK, and wins a kiss with JoJo, so his confidence is rebuilt. Phew.


Later that night, JoJo gets some alone time with all the guys on the date. First, she clearly has a strong connection with Luke, but I am still not feeling it. He just seems dumb to me. Or just not very articulate. Or just odd in some way. I know they have a lot of passion, but sometimes you do need more than that... Next, James Taylor decides that he's not doing so well in this competition, so maybe it's time to start throwing the frontrunners under the bus! Come on now, James, we don't need to go after Jordan just because he is better at life than you. So. Basically James is jealous because Jordan is more famous than him, and needs to hurt JoJo's relationship with Jordan to make himself feel better. James... this makes me like you a lot less. Dick move. JoJo now needs to figure out if there really is a side of Jordan she doesn't know... I mean, do you know he's semi-famous? Because that's all you need to know. JoJo basically accuses him of being "entitled," but I honestly believe him that it is being blown out of proportion. Don't you know the Rodgers family?? They are just awesome. After wasting his alone time with JoJo, Jordan confronts James, who he thought was one of his closest friends, and Jordan is NOT happy. But really. Why do you have to talk about other people during your own time? So lame. At the end of the date, Luke gets the group date rose, and we are not shocked at all. But there is still a lotttt of tension here!

So the final date of the week is a two-on-one, weirdly enough between Derek and Chase. And I like them both, so I'm kind of torn. Derek feels super confident, and Chase feels super pissed, and I am honestly not sure which way this is going to go. So the date today involves the tango- because as we know, it only takes TWO to tango... JoJo will be dancing with both men, and feeling passion with them both, and it is getting pretty awkward. Just like in real life. Because, get it?? The tango is like a metaphor for what they are actually going through on this two-on-one!!! What do you know??? So later, JoJo gets some time to decide which of them she will be keeping, and I'm actually getting kind of annoyed by Derek and his sudden burst of cockiness. How many times now has he said how confident he is that he will get the rose? Enough. He tells JoJo that he is falling for her, which she appreciates, but I just feel like he is acting like a bit of a douchebag. Liking him less and less... Meanwhile, Chase is still all sorts of nervous, and it shows. Chase is not giving JoJo the words of affirmation that she needs... he just needs to grow a pair and put it all on the line! And soon, because Derek is becoming more and more of an asshole by the moment. Chase finally opens up and tells JoJo what she needs to hear, but he still seems so nervous! At the end of the day, JoJo throws a curveball and gives the rose to Chase, NOT Derek. I'm pretty happy about it, and I feel like she does like Chase more than Derek. And let's be honest. Derek was acting like an ass. So. Bye.


Finally we get to the cocktail party, and apparently JoJo has to send home one more guy. I don't get why either... can't we just keep the six, and then narrow to four next week? This seems unnecessary. JoJo spends some time with Jordan, who finally opens up emotionally and tells her how much he is falling for her, and I still love it! JoJo finally talks to Alex some this week, and we realize that he hasn't even spent that much time with her after all. We just feel like we know him so well because of all the Chad drama. So I am on the fence about Alex for sure. Gotta be between Alex and James this week... we'll find out soon! JoJo gives her first rose of the night to Robby, and we are not surprised. The second rose goes to Jordan, and again, not surprised. So as expected we are down to Alex and James, and JoJo decides she needs to up and leave! She just walks off, rose in hand. Hmm... In a nerve wrecking turn of events, JoJo makes it look like she will not be giving out ANY final rose, but instead... Chris Harrison walks in with a platter with TWO roses, so they can both get one. I mean, this was obviously the smartest idea.. she already sent two guys home this week, and that should be enough at this point in the season. James feels grateful for his rose, but Alex feels PISSED about his "pity rose" and complains that he just needs more one-on-one time, or else he's out. Won't be surprised if we see that happen next week...


So to recap, if you missed tonight's episode, you missed nothing of real significance- just two people who we don't really love getting sent home. Stay tuned next week though, as we find out... are we going to Jordan's hometown, and WILL AARON BE THERE??? Can't wait to see what happens! Until then...

The Bachelorette Week 4: Done With the Chads

The Bachelorette is finally back! We have sadly been in a 2-week depression without JoJo and her suitors, and it is time to get back to the entertainment! In case anyone forgot, we left Chad being eliminated from a 2-on-1 date and the guys all celebrating, but WAIT- Chad isn't gone quite yet! Just as the guys back at the house are spreading Chad's protein ashes with a little "death to tyrants" speech... guess who comes knocking on the door...??? Chad enters the house and everyone pretty much just stands there awkwardly as Chad tells them about his date. ...Didn't you get sent home...? Chad decides that he is now in a position that he has no choice other than to get physical with the guys. Jordan tries to talk things out with Chad, who of course can't handle a mature conversation, and oddly enough, he eventually just leaves. Not exactly the big blowout fight that we hoped for, but fairly entertaining at least. In other news, when Alex returns home from his date, the guys set off sparklers, chant "dragon slayer," and smash a cake into Alex's face in adoration. Okay guys, I know we hated Chad, but it's not like Alex saved the universe from an alien invasion or something.

So by the way, we still haven't had a rose ceremony from 2-weeks ago, so I guess we should probably take care of that now... The guys are all confident that there will now be NO DRAMA, since the only douchebag of the season is gone. But we know that can't be all for this season... The guys all start to realize that they have lost their common enemy, and now they will be turning on each other- stealing time from each other, even when they have roses! How dare they! Finally we get to the rose ceremony, and JoJo will be sending home 2 more guys. When, let's be honest, she really should be sending home at least 4 or 5. Like, why is Vinny still here? And Evan? Are they really still in the running here...? No. JoJo sends home James F. and Daniel, and I could not care less about it. We didn't even know them.. except that Daniel has a great body and apparently has a good chance of being struck by lightning while shaving his face... (???) Thanks for the parting words, Daniel! See you never.

So, JoJo will be taking the final 11 men on a romantic trip to Uruguay, where apparently some shit is going to hit the fan! You thought Chad caused drama?? Just wait. This week starts with a one-on-one date with... Jordan! Andddd everyone is pretty much pissed. They already know Jordan is a frontrunner, and now he gets a one-on-one before most of the other guys. Remember that time when all the guys were BFF with Jordan when they all hated Chad? Well all of the sudden, Jordan gets a target on his back and all the other guys start to accuse him of being there for the wrong reasons- I mean, a FOOTBALL PLAYER... UGH. Jordan and JoJo of course are having an amazing time, and I am all for it. He even tells her that he is falling in love. So. I'm digging it. But then.. dun dun dunnnn... JoJo shares that she "ran into" one of Jordan's ex-girlfriend, and that it was not good. Rumors of being a bad boyfriend...! So. Explain yourself Jordan! He insists that it was all about his commitment to sports, but there was no cheating involved. Hey, he was young and in college! I feel like he's moved on since then.. because haven't we all? JoJo decides that she trusts him, and we can tell how much she is digging him. How can you not?!? He gets the rose, and we are loving it.

I trust you, Jordan!

Meanwhile back at the house... MORE drama. The guys get their hands on an Us Weekly or In Touch or some trash mag, featuring a story about JoJo's secret love affair with her ex boyfriend (oddly enough, also named Chad...). Could this be true?!? Are the guys wasting their time on a girl who is just doing this for the fame?!? Or is this just a tabloid that exploits fake stories for profit?? Someone better get to the bottom of this one... But before the guys can say anything, the producers hand her a copy of the article and ask her to address it. And JoJo is PISSED. Her ex-boyfriend is apparently a horrible fucking monster, and JoJo is completely losing her shit over this clearly fake story. JoJo, being the strong chick she is, heads to see the guys to explain that this is all fabricated by a guy who hurt her, and it is clear that she is honestly torn up. Don't worry JoJo, I'm sure you'll find a better guy right here in this room!



Is the "ex" Chad back...?!?

JoJo is ready to move on from this at her group date, and 9 guys are heading to meet her at some sand dunes for some sand boarding. Which looks fun. But enough of that- time to get on to all of the guys telling JoJo how little they care about the article, and how much they are about her. We get it. You all trust her. Can we talk about something else now? At the end of the date, Derek gets the group date rose, which I am happy about because I like him, but apparently Alex is not feeling it with Derek. Apparently Derek is acting insecure and asking for reassurance in order to get sympathy points or something like that. Is Derek the new villain then?? I thought it was Jordan. Make up your mind here, guys... I'm sure this drama is just starting.

For our final date of the week, we have a one-on-one with Robby, which I am excited for. I've liked Robby a lot from night one, but if I recall correctly, there may be some drama with him later on, so I don't want to get too attached! They head out to a cliff, where they are ready to "jump into love" and "stand on the edge" of a relationship, and every other cliff related metaphor you can imagine. Good thing Robby is a competitive swimmer, or else JoJo never would have jumped into that water! Apparently Robby is already going to tell JoJo that he loves her, but isn't it a little too early...? There are still 11 guys there! 11! So, Robby goes ahead and jumps the gun, but apparently JoJo is happy about it, and he gets the rose. I really do like Robby, but I am still so wary of it! We will see...

It looks like we may actually get to a rose ceremony tonight, which means the perfect chance for Derek to confront the group of guys that he thinks is ganging up on him. Sorry you are so insecure, Derek! Some of us would rather spend our time with JoJo!!! This is some high school girl drama right here- your little group is excluding us and we want to be in with the cool crowd! Wow. Just when we are expecting JoJo to show up, Chris Harrison comes in to drop the bomb that JoJo has already made up her mind, and 3 of them will be going home. NO cocktail party. But how I am going to convince her to let me stay?!? JoJo arrives and ensures the guys that she knows her decision, and I agree. It's pretty obvious at this point who should stay or go... So, no, I won't be surprised or sad at the result. All the usual suspects get roses, and she of course sends home Evan, Vinny, and Grant. Wow, you mean all the guys we don't give a crap about?? Shock. (Don't give me those tears, Vinny, you know you never stood a chance.) Luckily this means we are now down to 8, and I could not be happier. In other news, the previews show that the next few weeks are going to get INSANE, and I know I cannot wait. Until then!

The Bachelorette Week 3 Part II: The Showdown

Well friends, apparently ABC just loves this Chad drama so much, we require two whole episodes to cover it all. Welcome to Part II of the Chad saga: The Douche is About to Explode. We start out with a really heartfelt apology from Chad to the guys, and we reallyyyyy take it seriously. He promises not to be violent, as long as nobody tries to push or fight him. So, there's that. Meanwhile.. it's pool party time!!!


So, JoJo rolls up, and the guys all become best friend/frat stars and have the time of their lives playing in the pool with JoJo. Oh, and of course they do a bit of checking her out too... In other news, the scene of Evan bleeding that we kept seeing in the previews? Yeah, turns out he just hurts himself while diving into the pool. So. Not Chad's fault. Geez ABC, you got us all excited for nothing! Such a let down.


Later, JoJo gets some alone time with Jordan, and we see them get pretty intimate and deep in their connection. And we love it! Jordan has to ensure JoJo that he is completely into her, and we know she is really into him too. Keep him forever! A bunch of the other guys get some good alone time too, and some make out sessions, and unfortunately a lot of anti-Chad talk. Focus on yourselves and not the other guys!!! Haven't you seen this show before- this almost never works out!!! The pool party ends, but Chad is NOT happy about Derek particularly talking bad about him to JoJo. Another confrontation, and Chad just doesn't know what he has done wrong! So. It's game time now.


So it's finally time for the rose ceremony we never got to last night, and JoJo thinks she knows what she is doing. And I bet you a million dollars she keeps Chad another week! She sees his softer side! She needs to get to the bottom of this herself! JoJo continues to keep around a bunch a lame-os, as well as- SHOCK- Chad. Wow, I am so surprised. Oh wait, I watch every season of this show, so I'm not. She sends home Christian, Nick, and Ali, and I am not at all sad about any of those. Oh I mean, WHAT?!? She keeps that jerk Chad and sends home these nice guys?!? I am OUTRAGED. Yeah.


So now I guess tonight's episode actually starts, and the guys are all packing their bags to head to a mystery location. Which turns out to be some backwoods part of Pennsylvania. This is just THE perfect place to fall in love. So the first date of the week is a one-on-one with Luke. Not surprised. JoJo has been really into him from the beginning. Not MY favorite (too Texan for my taste), but I'm sure she will have a great time. For this date, apparently JoJo has taken some notes from Ben's season, because they will be hanging out in a hot tub in the middle of nowhere. Why is this a thing now? In other news, am I the only one who thinks that Luke is kind of boring? Maybe it's just because he talks really slowly? Or he doesn't seem that intelligent? I don't know. So Luke shares his back story about his experiences in Afghanistan and the friends he has lost in war, and things get deep really fast. I appreciate him sharing, but I worry that he is not quite yet ready for a relationship. He's just not really doing it for me. Also, I don't find him as hot as JoJo does. She eats his stories right up, and likes him even more than ever. I'm calling top 3 for this one, but winner? Hope not. To top off the night, they walk into a concert of some random band, and basically dance/make out on stage in front of thousands of people taking pictures. Yeah, it's weird.

No, not awkward at all...

Back at the house, Chad lounges outside shirtless in the cool Pennsylvania weather (but really, I'm pretty sure it's like winter time), and reminds us that poking the Chad-bear is not a good idea, and if he punches someone's head, it will explode. Good to know. In other news, the next group date cards reveals that there will likely be a 2-on-1 date later on with Alex and Chad. Good versus Evil. And who is surprised by this one??? Not me. But it should be interesting entertainment.

So for the big group date, the guys are heading to Heinz Field to play football with Ben Roethlisberger. Who apparently is all besties with JoJo. It's getting clear that she just loves douchebags! Am I the only one who feels kind of uncomfortable about Jordan being there? Like, does this make him feel bad about himself that he's not the superstar these pro players are? Or is it weird that his brother plays against these guys? Maybe it's just me. So I guess to make the competition fair for game time, they put Jordan on both teams as the all-time quarterback. I mean, I would hope he would be the best player out there.... Plus apparently that means he can't lose, which I'm sure JoJo is fine with. So at the end of the day, the underdogs win (I mean really, Evan and James Taylor beating Chase and Grant??), and the Blue Team guys will get more time with JoJo. After a couple of make out sessions with the guys later in the night, JoJo gives the group date rose to Jordan, and I fall more in love. Ohhh Jordan. Swoon.

Besties???

Finally, we are down to the final date- the 2-on-1... But before the date begins, Chad needs to throw out a couple more threats, including one to Jordan- that after the show, he will find Jordan, come to his house, and go after him. So, that's cool. Alex and Chad head out to their date, via helicopter- why does the 2-on-1 date always involve them arriving on a helicopter? Today's date involves hiking in the middle of nowhere, which is awesome when you're with two guys who hate each other. Trying to break some awkwardness, JoJo pulls Alex aside for a little chat, and it worries me that Alex pretty much only talks about Chad. This could backfire! Be careful! Luckily, JoJo is a freaking badass, and after confronting Chad about what Alex told her, just walks away like a boss. Chad basically admits that he does threaten people, because he has no other way of dealing with it, and we are like, really?? Be an adult. Unfortunately, JoJo is still torn, because maybe Chad only acts this way out of grief over his mother's death...! Okay, maybe, but does that mean you want to date and/or MARRY this guy?? No. Feel bad for 2 minutes, then move on. He'll do well on Bachelor in Paradise anyway. Meanwhile, Chad now knows that Alex talked crap about him, and he is ready to collect some teeth! This will end well. Lucky for America, JoJo has some major sense about her and decides that a violent threatening person is not someone she wants to be with, and sends Chad home. Alex gets a rose, yay, and Chad is apparently left alone in the woods to fend for himself.

In other news, as soon as the guys in the house see Chad's luggage get picked up, they start popping confetti and downing shots and bottles of champagne. And just when everyone thinks he is gone for good... wait for it... here comes creeper Chad trekking through the woods to knock on the door at the guys' house. Apparently looking for a fight. And of course, just when we think it's all about to go down... To Be Continued!!!!!! You are killing me, ABC! So, we have to wait TWO WEEKS to see this ultimate fight go down (if it actually does), and there are apparently a lot of complete emotional breakdowns coming. I know I cannot wait to see how this all unfolds... Until then!

The Bachelorette Week 3: Less Hitler, More Mussolini

Well, well, well, it seems like the end is already near for Chad. It looks like the peak fighting is already about to blow up on week 3! As we start this episode, Chad continues to pound down some meat and protein, and the other guys all start to plan his demise... Meanwhile, we will have 3 dates this week, including 2 one-on-ones. Let's see how this goes!

The first date goes to Chase, and I am excited, because I have actually liked him a lot since night one. This date involves a trip to a hot yoga studio, where they are instructed to do some weird anger-gasms, and I don't get why the Bachelor insists on doing these "intimate" sessions for first dates. Can't we just do something normal?? The only plus is that they get to see each other in very little clothing, pretty early on in their relationship, so, no surprises at least... So, partway through their intimate yoga session, they start to make out, and I'm like, is this awkward for anyone else out there...? No? Just me? Hm. Later at dinner, they have actual conversations, and I am really feeling it. Apparently so does JoJo, so Chase gets the rose, and we have another front runner.......!

Meanwhile back at the house, the group date card arrives with a bunch of names, including Chad, on it. Chad doesn't even WANT to go on that date, because who wants to go on a group date??? I just want a one-on-one, okay??? A group date is a waste!! So, all of the sudden, the guys, led by Jordan and Alex, start talking major crap toward Chad, and Chad cannot handle it. I of course LOVE both Jordan and Alex, so I am all about them staring Chad down and totally calling him out on his ridiculousness. I just hope that my favorites don't get carried away with this feud- they need to stay focused on JoJo or it will not end well!

So for the group date, the guys will be performing at a Sex Talk show, where they will need to share a sex story of their own for an audience. This couldn't go badly, right? You know who looks thrilled about it though??? Chad. I bet he is dying to share personal intimate stories with a bunch of strangers. Oh wait. No. JoJo hasn't earned the right to hear about his past yet. It's none of her business! In related news, apparently Evan is going to turn his story into one big bashing of Chad. So. Let the games begin... So, these stories are actually pretty hilarious and great, until Evan starts his "cautionary tale" about how "someone in the house" uses steroids and might have problems with his manhood. No surprise, Chad is PISSED and gets aggressive towards Evan already. Then, for the grand finale, Chad takes the stage, where he brings JoJo on stage to talk not about his past but about his future, and goes in for a kiss, which she rejects! So awkward. At the end of the show, Chad punches a door and threatens to kill Evan, and it sounds like things are going to get pretty bad... We will see!

Later at the cocktail party, we get to see Jordan sweet talk the crap out of JoJo and I LOVE it. And hey, he admits that he wasn't the best boyfriend back in college, so that ex-gf who keeps talking out better step off! Jordan all the way!!! We get to see Chad making things awkward again, but he's just trying to get more time with JoJo and he isn't a bad guy at all! Evan confronts Chad yet again, but Chad thinks Evan is just being a bully. And hey, according to Chad, Evan "f*cked up already by having 3 kids." Well then. Chad uses his alone time with JoJo to tell her that he didn't even want to go on this group date, but then he is able to smooth his way back into her good graces, of course. At the end of the night, Evan gives JoJo essentially an ultimatum, that he hates Chad so much that if Chad stays, he will go. Hmm.. who will she pick? The hot bad boy who has a deeper soft side, or the nerdy little erectile dysfunction specialist??? Hmmm... So in an odd twist of events, I guess JoJo has a thing for weird loser guys, because Evan gets the group date rose, which might just mean that Chad is going home...? We'll see. Just when we thought it couldn't get any better, Chad straight up interrupts JoJo explaining her choice of Evan, by asking if this was serious right now. Is she actually picking Evan?? Is she seriously into him?!?! I mean, we are all thinking it, but you can't SAY THAT! This is getting amazing. So. Awkward.

So, back in reality, JoJo is going on a date with sweet, precious James Taylor. He is just so adorable and I am sure their date will be fun. They are going swing dancing, and it is super cute. But secretly, I actually love swing dancing, and I love James, so this will be a win no matter what. Later, James opens up to JoJo about his insecurities, and we are like, James! You are adorable and you SING! Don't you realize how much girls love that??? Because they do. James gets the rose, and then sings JoJo a song he wrote for her, and women across America die.

Back at the house, as Chad sits there eating his whole uncooked sweet potato (????), his only friend in the house, Daniel, advises him to take it down a notch, so Daniel will not be guilty by association. As he says, "maybe don't be Hitler, maybe be Mussolini." Stellar advice from a history and political whiz over here! Okay okay, maybe just be more like Bush and less like Trump. (That's better, right?) But really, all Chad cares about is his protein intake and his bench press reps, so he's fine with it.

In other news, there will be no cocktail party tonight, BUT, JoJo wants an all-day pool party with the guys. JoJo in a bikini? Yes, please. But not for Chad- he doesn't want or need to see JoJo in a bikini. He can picture what she looks like. That's good enough. Hm. But before the party can start, little Evan runs to daddy Chris Harrison to tell on Chad about the violence and threats. Chris is ready to step in and talk it out with Chad, who promises to make it right with the guys in order to avoid being sent home. But it doesn't seem like Chad is going to apologize after all- he wants to rip the arms and legs off of each one of the guys and throw them in the pool. Should be a fun pool party! But unfortunately we won't find out until tomorrow night... Darn you ABC and your To Be Continueds!!! One more night to wait until the big drama goes down... Until then!