The Bachelorette Finale: The Inner Douche Reveals Himself!

Is everybody ready for what will surely be a SHOCKING finale??? This is going to be a finale LIKE NO OTHER. Or, it will end the same way as almost every season- a proposal that doesn't actually go anywhere. CRAZY. So tonight we start with Kaitlyn introducing the remaining 2 guys to her family... and they are NOT happy that Nick V. is one of the men. That guy was a DOUCHE on Andi's season, so get him out of here! She confesses to her family about her sex-scapades and I'm like... you just told your dad that?!? Who are you?!? So naturally the family is really excited about Nick being their future in-law. But I'm just betting that everyone will end up telling Kaitlyn that they actually love him at the end of the day and everything will be great! Because nothing is shocking in these finales. I do appreciate that the family keeps asking him why he is here. Because that's what we all want to know.

Nick sits down to talk to the mom, and boy does his acting ability come out! He even busts out the tears when talking about how much he wants to be with her forever! Wow, good work, Nick. He must have taken acting lessons between seasons. The parents give Nick their blessing to propose... if only there was more time to get to know him better maybe they would see the truth...

Well, Shawn has to meet the family the next day, and I guesssssss they will give him a chance too even though they already like Nick........ Kaitlyn tells them he is jealous and that is a BIG red flag. Now they are NOT going to trust him with anything. So Shawn actually blows them away by being way more eloquent than Nick could ever dream to be, and he proves himself to be a great guy right away. The mom decides to bring up the Nick sex scandal to Shawn and I'm sure he's like, really? Don't you want to learn more about ME? He does a great job fending off the ridiculous questions and even the mom starts to tear up. Kaitlyn's sister even tells her that she is Team Shawn, and does anyone else notice how taken aback Kaitlyn is in response? It's as if she doesn't want her family to prefer Shawn because she knows she prefers Nick deep down. Shawn gets the parents' blessing and he seems to be their pick. But that hasn't always convinced Bach's in the past...

Kaitlyn now gets one last day with each man in the romantic and tropical... California! But really. What happened to ABC's budget? Kaitlyn and Nick go out on a boat and talk and as final dates usually are, it's pretty boring since they pretty much just talk all day. But Kaitlyn needs to decide how she really feels about him!!! Nick uses his half unbuttoned shirt to lure Kaitlyn into thinking that the physical relationship is all she needs, but also uses his intellect to compose a gag-me romantic gift that he clearly did not come up with himself. And she can see their future together and knows he is the one! Oh but wait, there's another guy here...

Speaking of that, Shawn's date arrives and Kaitlyn acts awkward as hell. We get the vibe that she is preferring Nick and therefore doesn't know how to treat Shawn... We've seen this before. Instead of being happy and spending a fun time together like she did with Nick, they just sit together awkwardly and barely talk. Great... Kaitlyn keeps freaking out because she knows she will get engaged tomorrow, but she doesn't know to which man. Does everyone else think this is the most insane premise of a show ever? The woman knows exactly when and where she will be engaged, but not sure who the fiance will be. Why has this become the precedent?!? Can't we just end the show by being a normal couple without having to commit to an entire life??? Just ridiculous. Also, when did the precedent become that the final 2 have to give her a meaningful gift that they "handmade" (with the help of the producers)? Anyway, Shawn's gift is way more real and actually meaningful to their relationship than Nick's dumb generic gift. But it's obvious that she likes Nick better. She's all about the physical!!! We all know that.

Kaitlyn is officially stuck because she apparently has no idea what she is going to do and loves them both. Well you have ONE day to get over someone enough that you'll be ready to get engaged to another guy. Good luck!

Well, my favorite thing has happened- BOTH men have picked out rings and both intend to propose, and she did NOT do the decency of letting one go home before he got all excited. Which basically means that one of these men is going to be CRUSHED, and possibly down on one knee when she breaks his heart. SO horrible yet so entertaining! At least Nick finally got to meet Neil Lane! Second time's a charm? It seems as though Kaitlyn has finally figured it out, and the first (loser) limo is arriving... and, OMG is this real...???? NICK comes out! HE'S NOT THE WINNER?!? She lets him talk first, and that means he is going to go through with the proposal.....! What a bitch for letting him do this!!! Stop him!! Or really, don't. He deserves the humiliation. Finally she stops him as he pulls out the ring, but she can't even speak. SO AWKWARD. She better watch out or he will publicly shame her and throw her under the bus like he did to Andi. What a classy guy- he attacks her and insults her feelings and basically makes her feel like shit for not loving him as much as she loves her. Yeah, this will make her change her mind. HIS TRUE COLORS COME OUT. Get this douche out of here once and for good!!! DON'T COME BACK NEXT SEASON. Peace.

Kaitlyn better blow her nose and get someone to clean up her makeup before Shawn arrives. Yikes, not in good shape. That's why you should send them home BEFORE getting all dressed up... Lesson learned. Shawn arrives and we are all ready for a big shocker!!! Right? As promised? Nope, something completely typical happens. Shawn gives a lovely little monologue (that I wonder how many times he practiced... it was pretty well rehearsed), and Kaitlyn can't stop smiling so he must know that she has picked him. OKAY I am such a sucker for this show and I can't stop smiling either when the proposal occurs. He is so sweet! I am actually really happy they are together and hope they will make it in real life! HA. I actually give them a 60% chance of staying together, and that's pretty promising! Good choice, Kaitlyn, at least you didn't pick the douche!

Per usual, this is not over yet! We get to sit through another hour of BS interviews just in the hopes of some kind of *important information* coming out. Should I be reevaluating my life right now?? The apparent main event is Chris Harrison forcing Shawn and Nick to sit together and talk, and boy is this uncomfortable! They don't even make eye contact as they try to explain their feelings towards each other... Chris Harrison even tries to make them hug it out, and the guys are like. Um. No. Chris is also dying to get more detail about Kaitlyn and Nick's prior relationship. What is he getting at? He is trying to get them to admit something but we aren't sure what...? Does he think they had been intimate before the show? Does that matter now? She picked Shawn, move on. Later, Nick asks Kaitlyn why the hell she let him do the proposal before rejecting him, and she's like... valid point. I guess I wanted to embarrass the shit out of you. Sorry, my bad! Finally, Kaitlyn and Shawn make no special announcements, and this officially becomes an hour of wasted time.

But don't worry... BACHELOR IN PARADISE starts Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally the real fun begins!!!! Can't wait to see the amazing-ness that is this coming season. Until then!

Week 9 Recap: Drama Please!

This week we get to see the big showdown between Nick and Shawn that has been building for weeks... Am I the only one who hopes they actually just straight up beat the shit out of each other? Now that would be entertainment. In other news, they are still in Ireland. Remember the good old days when they would travel to a new place every week? Has the budget been cut for recent seasons or something...? I mean, the overnight dates need to be in a tropical location to fully enjoy them!

Anyway, we start with the guy who actually has no drama and nothing wrong with him that I can see, Ben. He is such a great guy and so sweet and loving and perfect. So of course he will not win. This chick prefers drama! Kaitlyn knows that Ben is the greatest guy ever, but I'm pretty sure she will eventually say that she just doesn't feel the spark the way she does with the other two guys, even though he is the best pick. Alright, I could also be okay with Ben as the next Bachelor if they don't pick Jared. They are both great!

Well Ben and Kaitlyn enjoy a lovely day of horseback riding and dining in a castle etc etc and Kaitlyn is just happy! (It's never good when they use the word happy, that means they don't feel the passion...). Ben admits that he is very young (just turned 26!) but since he acts so mature, she doesn't care. Phew!  They get the fantasy suite invite and Ben is the sweetest person in the world when he explains that he doesn't even care about the other guys, he only ever thinks about and wants to be with her. He accepts the invite for the "best sleepover ever" and they head up for their "off camera time"... Hopefully Kaitlyn will wake up feeling in love! (Sadly I doubt it). Kaitlyn ends the date with Ben torn because she was hoping he would be a dud that she could just eliminate in favor of her top 2. But apparently she realized that he is so much better than the other guys and now doesn't know what to do! Go figure. We'll see how Shawn's date goes though...

Kaitlyn takes Shawn golfing which apparently they both love so it is perfect! Lucky for Shawn, Kaitlyn has a good swing, which makes her wife material! (Is that the qualification?) After the game, Kaitlyn makes Shawn strip down naked and streak the field, which obviously she is loving because she gets to see him naked finally... she couldn't wait until tonight?? Anyway, she is having the BEST time because she loves making people run around naked with black boxes covering their privates, BUT they are going to need to get serious tonight...

Later at dinner, Kaitlyn decides that we need to just get the whole Nick thing out on the table. Great date convo! Shawn explains his hatred for Nick and tries to rise above it, even though he is super fired up. Apparently Kaitlyn is all pissed because Shawn told the guys about being Eskimo Brothers with someone.. I mean... Not the biggest deal in the world. Have you been to college? Get over that. Kaitlyn decides they need the fantasy suite time to talk about this more, and I'm like, don't you want to use the fantasy suite time to, you know, be together? 

The next morning Shawn leaves pretty abruptly (or so it seems) and runs into... Nick! Shawn continues to talk at Nick, threatens him, and basically tells him to fuck off. They have another stupid yelling match and we are all over this. With both of them. Just pick Ben!! Kaitlyn sits down with Chris Harrison to talk it out and admits that this drama is making her lose interest in both of them... But you can tell when she talks about Nick that she clearly favors him over the others. I'm sure that will work out for you! Have fun with that one. She says she will be following her heart, which means she will not be thinking logically, which means keep the drama going!

Side note: Dear ABC, Nobody likes these middle of the episode rose ceremonies. They are supposed to be the suspenseful END of the episode that gets us excited for the next week. This stupid format just makes us not even care about the whole ceremony. So stop. Okay rant over. As the rose ceremony begins, Kaitlyn needs a minute to compose herself because she is about to break a wonderful heart! The first rose goes to Nick, duh, and none of us even care anymore. The other rose goes to Shawn and the drama continues! Is anyone surprised? Ben is a wonderful great amazing guy but he just doesn't fire her up like the other two. You are amazing and you will find a great woman who is better than Kaitlyn! Go on Bachelor in Paradise! Fall in love! Move on! Forget this bitch! Even as he leaves, he compliments her and is so sweet just saying that he will miss her. Gahhhh could we love you more?? Doesn't this remind everyone of Marcus with Andi? Go to paradise and find your Lacey and be happy forever!

Anyway, Kaitlyn just realized that her final 2 men hate each other and now she's in some deep shit. Hopefully these hometown dates will clarify things! So apparently these aren't actually hometown dates, but they are all just meeting up in Utah. Okay. Isn't the point like to see where they grew up and such...? Lame. At least do this on a tropical island! First she meets up with Nick where he awkwardly professes his love for her, and it was a total flashback to how he was with Andi... Maybe it's not so genuine after all...? At the hotel, Nick's family is totally NOT excited to do this all over again and they are literally all crying at the thought of meeting Kaitlyn. Great start! Don't worry, this time he will win and the breakup won't come for another few months, so don't cry yet! Oh yeah, remember how Nick has like 50 siblings? I had forgotten about that. So... Nick's family is super sweet and makes me actually think he is a nice guy. How could such a manipulative guy have such a wonderful family?? Kaitlyn loved meeting the family and it seems pretty obvious at this point that he is going to win. 

Well I guess we haveeee to meet Shawn's family too. And they better like her or it's over! The sisters definitely approve and Shawn and Kaitlyn all feel great about everything! So who will she choose??? Shawn ends the day by admitting the truth that he is in love with her, and Kaitlyn couldn't be happier! But now she is even more torn!!! Kaitlyn totally loses it and starts crying at the thought of sending one of them home, but we will find out in 2 weeks who she will pick! Don't worry though, the good stuff comes next week with Men Tell All- let's hope some fights break out! Til then...

Weeks 7 & 8 Musings: Man Up!

You have probably noticed that I have regretably been absent during the past 2 weeks of Bachelorette episodes... I know you were all continuously hitting refresh on your newsfeed screaming WHERE ARE THE RECAPS??? So sorry fans, I was traveling, but just binge watched 4 hours of the show last night and I am all caught up! Here are some of my thoughts now that we are getting down to the wire...

Why are there so many GIRLS on this show? But really, I'm pretty sure this is the most man crying in the history of the show. And only 6 episodes in! Shawn, we get it, you think you are the one, but you need to man up. Kaitlyn is not going to pick you as her husband if you freak out and cry about everything and constantly need to be reasured about your relationship. Just be a man and show her why she SHOULD pick you. Honestly. Not to mention Chris "Cupcake" literally falling to the ground sobbing hysterically when Kaitlyn sent him home. For a minute I really thought he was going to throw himself off those cliffs. Really, was it that shocking? We could all tell it was coming- didn't everyone else notice that she quickly pulled away every time they kissed? Maybe because he acted like such a GIRL all the time. And then there was Joe, who literally threw a tantrum like a little drama queen when Kaitlyn sent him home. I feel like at this point the most manly guy here is Nick... and that's a problem.

Kaitlyn does not know how to be The Bachelorette. I'm sure it's hard, but she just cannot play by the rules (which I think is why Chris Harrison is not a big fan and never wants to chat with her). She clearly wants a normal dating situation where she can pick her favorites, bang them, and decide who best satisfies her needs. That's why she keeps doing all the "off camera time"- she doesn't do well with the boring on-camera stuff. Should we criticize her for the Nick situation? Maybe, but that is who she is- this show is not right for her. Which is clearly why the producers decided to totally switch up the format- she clearly knows which guys she wants to spend the night with the most, and who cares about families? But in reality, maybe this is what they should do in the future... It certainly is more realistic to how things go in real life...

Nick is definitely up to something. This is EXACTLY where he was on Andi's season. He is going to make top 2 for sure, and maybe even win this time. But he is NOT going to be a good life partner, and it will NOT work out if he wins. He knows exactly how to play the game and exactly what to say, and he clearly like stalked Kaitlyn before the show to find out exactly what she is looking for, so he could be that. I can see him winning for sure, but it would be a badddd idea. Nevertheless, the drama with Shawn is getting a little stupid. Shawn needs to just let that one play out instead of threatening him and running to Kaitlyn all the time. Side note, does anyone else think it's hilarious that Shawn will not use Nick's name and only calls him "the other guy"? Awesome.

Oh yeah, Ben H is still there. Can we just call him Ben now that the other one is gone? He is also a great guy and in reality would make the best husband (and I think he is the hottest guy left). Has his storyline just been overshadowed by the Nick-Shawn rivalry? I would love it if he ended up as the Dark Horse winner, but the producers are making that look unlikely. Maybe it will be like Des and Chris, where she will realize that he has been the one all along but she was blinded by other douches. In other news, wow does Kaitlyn have balls to accuse him of being a virgin, and wow did Ben handle it with class. I hope he wins at this point...!

JARED FOR BACHELOR! No really. I LOVE him. (And then I realized he is younger than me and it weirded me out because I always imagine these guys as being older... but still.) He is so adorable and I could definitely see him choosing from a bunch of women and I think he could hold his own. And he is pretty hot too. I have said all along that he is too good for Kaitlyn, and I still think so. Go find someone better, Jared! I am rooting for you!!!

So there you have it- some of my thoughts that I just could NOT hold in. I have no clue what next week will bring, since they have literally not ended any episodes with a proper rose ceremony this entire season, so maybe they will already start hometowns... who knows? Hopefully I will be back with commentary as the shit hits the fan with the final three! Til then...