Week 8 Recap: The One We Have All Been Waiting For

So... It's finally happened- they left the country!!!  But will Chris know how to fall in love outside of America??  One can only hope.  We are down to the last 3 amazing girls who are all so amazing and would make amazing wives.  In case you missed it, we have: Kaitlyn (totally awesome/funny but would hate life in Iowa, PLUS I've read rumors that she's doing this for TV exposure, so that's sad), Whitney (so positive and annoying I could puke), and Becca (probably the best choice for him, super boring and virginal).  Can't wait to see which lucky ladies make it through the episode, and what happens in that fantasy suite... ;)

If he only knew...

We start off the trip with a date with Kaitlyn, visiting a temple and hopefully getting Kaitlyn to get out of her comfort zone!  Later they play around with some monkeys who go after what they want (bananas) and Kaitlyn realizes she needs to learn from those monkeys and go get it (Chris)!  She is ready for some serious conversations and some serious fantasy time.  At dinner, Kaitlyn opens up about her guard and says she is going to let it down (but really, why do Bach contestants ALWAYS have to talk about guards being up?  So cliche.).  After Kaitlyn opens up, Chris is super excited to be with her allllll night and we're like, look how hot she is!  Of course you're excited!  They head off to their baller fantasy suite where we watch them make out some more, and Kaitlyn admits that she is falling in love with him, and in a bold move- Chris tells her that he is falling in love too!!  And I'm like, uhh I'm pretty sure they are not allowed to admit that at this point... but okay.  Now that they know about their strong feelings, they pull down those shades and continue their night in private... Ohhh yeah.

Chris's next date involves Whitney and a boat, and I'm like, you are going to be trapped in the middle of the ocean all day with Whitney?!?  I can't imagine anything more awful.  But I guess this is the first test- if he can survive a day of isolation with her, what's the rest of his life in Iowa?  Whitney is sure that she needs to talk on and on and on about her sister and explain all about why her sister was being such a brat (aka realistic) when they met.  Things were only 99% perfect because of her stupid sister!  I want everything to be 100% amazing all the time, and it wasn't, all because of her!  Is Chris starting to realize how freaking annoying she? It's hard to tell if he is figuring things out or not...  Apparently his only reservation is if she is willing to uproot her life for Iowa (I mean, she did make a huge deal about how much she loves her job...), but I'm like, is that really your only concern? Yikes.  Chris very clearly explains that his town freaking sucks and there is nothing to do, and that she wouldn't be able to work.  But Whitney reassures Chris that she would have no problem leaving her job and all she really wants to do in life is get married and have babies, so.  Screw a social life!  Screw a career!  Let's start making babies!  No really, like, tonight, in the fantasy suite.  I'm still waiting on that specimen... ;)

Finally, the date that ABC has been telling us we have all been waiting for! The virgin.  The fantasy suite. What shocking events will ensue??? They start off their date going on a little adventure walk, just like the new adventure they'll be going on later, perhaps...?  They go to this fortune teller guru guy who gives them advice for the night, to make love.  Chris of course is like, yeahhhh I like that, yeahhhh and Becca has an "oh shit" moment when she realizes that Chris is like every other man and possibly won't be too ecstatic about her choices... Chris voices his concern to us that Becca has never been in love before, because that's a red flag.  Little does he know what else she's never done before...  They both share that they think they are falling in love with the other, and things are getting pretty serious.  So when will she reveal the big news?!? The fantasy suite card arrives, and apparently Becca still hasn't figured out what she is going to do!  Really, you've had the entire season to think about this.  Just tell him.  Becca tells Chris that she wants to spend that time together, and so agrees to join him in the suite.  Chris is looking forward to this "big night," to get to know Becca on an intimate level, because HE STILL DOESN'T KNOW!!!  Finally, once they are IN THE SUITE, Becca is ready to drop the news.  She tells him, and Chris goes totally silent and cannot speak for a good 20 seconds.  His eyes just completely drop all the hope that was there, and eventually he finally tells her that he respects that.  And Becca could not be happier about that reaction- it was perfect!  Really?  Because I'm pretty sure that was not all that supportive...  Regardless, they spend the night together, and Becca leaves us with a shady statement about how long she has been waiting to feel this way... What is she implying???  Is she going to let Chris take her v-card???  Will Chris then feel guilty for life if he doesn't giver her a rose this week???  We are dying to know!!!

Well, apparently Chris and Becca had a very serious conversation off camera during their fantasy suite date, and Chris has woken up feeling very confused and very scared about his decision.  He starts crying as he babbles on about his tough decision, and keeps freaking out that he has no clarity here.  Thankfully, Chris Harrison is here to make everything better!  Chris tells Chris H. that he is feeling really strong about one girl, and I have to assume that is Whitney.  Ughhh how can he stand it?  Hope he can finally make up his mind about the other...

The rose ceremony begins, and Chris Harrison reminds us that this is sacred ground, which means NO signs of affection other than holding hands.  Respect, okay!  The girls are all there dressed up in their little Balinese (is that a word?) outfits, and Becca is feeling very worried about her status with Chris, as he has an excruciating decision to make.  Before he gives away any roses, he pulls Becca aside for a little chat.  So, apparently Chris was questioning if Becca was just having feelings for him because of the show, but Becca wants to reassure him that it is not the show, it is honest feelings!  She has not taken Arlington off the table and she wants to be able to talk about it more.  Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is super excited because she assumes that Becca is being sent home, so when they see Chris and Becca hand-in-hand returning to the rose ceremony, there's a big "oh shit" moment.  Well this changes things...

Ninja Chris gets back to his position and gets ready to hand out the first rose.  And, duh, it goes to Whitney.  Yay I am so happy this is amazing this is the greatest thing that has ever happened in my life we are perfect for each other!!! Then Chris gives the other rose to... Becca.  Wow.  I guess you decided to take a chance on her after all.  Poor Kaitlyn is looking pretty pissed and a bit shocked, and I get it.  She let her guard down!  Clearly it wasn't enough, and I am bummed because I like Kaitlyn, BUT, I never saw her as his wife.  Chris whispers some B.S. to her about how hard this has been and how it makes no sense and he has to follow his gut and blah blah blah, and I'm over it already.  Did he mention that this has been excruciating?  No, what's excruciating is listening to this horrifically awkward goodbye.  Just put her in the van and let her go, I can't bear to watch this anymore.  They both cry a bit more, and we see Whitney and Becca get a little more confident.

So in the end, it comes down to the super annoying vs. the super boring.  You can't lose, Chris!  But first, we get Women Tell All next week, where I am sure the drama will escalate even further.  Can't wait to get all the dish from the eliminated ladies!  Until then...

Week 7 Recap Part 2: The Girls Come Out of Their Shells...

Tonight's episode will finally conclude the Iowa dates, and I can't wait to just get right to the rose ceremony!  But wait, apparently we have to start with Becca's one-on-one date, aka a waste of our time.  They have the most boring date of all time just hanging out in his loft and talking.  Perfect date for such a lame couple!  Chris finds out that Becca has never been in love, but he still doesn't know that she's never made love...  (Is that going to be revealed before the fantasy suite, or is she just gonna lose her v-card on a TV show??)  Chris is still interested though, and knows she is the perfect fit for his low-key-nothing-happens-here lifestyle.  But we already know that she will be top 3, so who really cares what happens tonight.

Meanwhile, Britt has packed her bags and she is ready to leave!  She knows that this is NOT going to work out with Chris because she didn't get the #1 rose last night, and nothing can change her mind!  Well, maybe Chris can change her mind.  I mean, maybe there's like a 1% chance he could change her mind.  So, we'll see.  The other girls are veryyyy skeptical as we all are...  Britt knows that she needs to talk to Chris at the cocktail party, BUT, Chris Harrison reveals that there will be NO PARTY!  She doesn't get a chance to leave with dignity- she is just going to be sent home like common street trash!  She better do something about this, quick.  So she goes ahead and interrupts Chris's speech to have a quick chat with him, and as we all know, she just wants Chris to beg for her to stay.  Britt apologizes and tries to explain herself over and over, but Chris knows that she has been lying, and was disrespectful, and he does not want that type of woman for his wife.  So... he sends her home right then and there!  Well at least she didn't have to sit through a rose ceremony like she had feared!  Britt goes outside and sits in the grass and full-on UGLY cries, as she blames Carly for telling Chris that she was a liar.  Ummm because you are...?  Carly is loving every minute of this, and I hope so much that she gets a rose- I love her little spiteful bitchiness.  She reminds me of myself ;)

Finally the rose ceremony begins, and it is pretty much just as we expected.  Even though Carly was super honest and always had Chris's best interest at heart, she gets sent home.  I mean, it was pretty clear that she was never a front runner and they didn't really have the spark like the other girls, but I still loved her!!  I hope she finds happiness sometime soon (but not as the Bachelorette- she doesn't have the personality to stand on her own for a whole season). 

So it is finally time for hometowns, and I'm wondering what the chances are that we get through all 4 dates AND a rose ceremony in the next hour and a half.  Or are we going to carry over to next week, AGAIN? (FYI- Producers: everybody hates when you do that.  Stop.)  For our top 4 ladies, we have: Becca (virgin, boring, will make a good Iowan housewife), Jade (appears boring but apparently has a secret wild side including a nude past), Whitney (super annoying, loves everything, would drive Chris insane within 2 weeks of living together), and Kaitlyn (hilarious and awesome but would probably GO crazy living in Iowa for 2 weeks). 

The first hometown goes to Becca, and I'm like, didn't we just sit through a whole date with her??  Enough.  Innocent little Becca has never brought a guy home before, so this should be fun.  We find out from the sister that Becca is not an intimate or affectionate person, because she has never wanted that before, and you can just see Chris thinking, what the heck am I getting myself into?? I mean, he's a guy, soooo I'm pretty sure he wants some intimacy in his life, am I right???  All I can think is how incredibly awkward the fantasy suite night is going to be!!!  Chris admits to us that he might just want to be the guy that Becca has been waiting for, so maybe he has some secret desire to take a girl's v-card.  I mean, if that's what does it for him, more power to him.  Maybe this IS the perfect situation for him after all...

Chris's next date takes him to Chicago to see Whitney.  She decides to take him to see her job as a fertility nurse, which she says is a big part of her life.  And I'm like, you realize that if you move to Arlington, Iowa, there will be no job opportunities for you, right?  So you are cool with giving up your life passion for a guy you just met?  I mean, do what makes you happy, I guess.  Whitney tries to get Chris to give her a sperm sample so she can test it, and once it is clear that he is totally freaked out, she tells him that of course it's a big joke!!!  But I feellll like part of her was really hoping he would actually do it so that she could have his sperm to use as she wanted... just saying, I feel like she has that crazy in her.  In related news, I find it pretty ironic that he pointed out the stack of Playboys in the specimen room.  I wonder if Jade's photos were in there...? 

Later, Chris meets Whitney's family and plans to ask her sister for permission to propose, but Whitney is a bit nervous.  Whitney WANTS a proposal at the end of this because she LOVES Chris, but the sister is too overprotective and won't give her blessing until Whitney is the only one left.  I mean... isn't that kind of legitimate?  She tells Chris to call her when he knows for sure, and Chris is a bit off-put by that, but I mean, come on, would you give a marriage blessing to someone dating 4 different girls??  Be real.  Whitney is of course disappointed, but takes Chris back to her place where she breaks out a bottle of wine that was apparently way out of her price range, but that she wanted to split it with her future husband.  And I'm like... aren't you worried that you are possibly about to waste that excellent bottle of wine on someone who is going to dump you soon?  Yikes.  She tells Chris that she loves him and he smiles that big dopey smile, and then I'm sure they enjoyed that great wine!  Hope it was worth it.


Next, Chris goes to visit Kaitlyn, where they are going to hang out at a recording studio and write a rap.  Wait, is she actually a rap artist?  Because she is pretty good, and Chris is AWFUL (shocking, right?).  This is pretty embarrassing for Chris, and I'm starting to feel like they are never really serious with each other.  Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.  Chris goes to meet the family, but they literally don't even show Chris talking to the family at all.  They are really breezing through this hometown date- this does not bode well for Kaitlyn, I fear.  I hope they actually had some time to chat in real life...  After Chris "meets" her family, Kaitlyn tells Chris how she feels in her own silly way, by displaying on a billboard that she "hearts" him, and apparently that's all Chris needs to know. I do like Kaitlyn a lot, but I am still skeptical of how she would fit into his life... and I'm sure Chris is too.

The last hometown goes to Jade, who can only think about how much she needs to tell Chris about Playboy.  They go to meet the family, who definitely have small town values!  Chris is pretty convinced that Jade is all about the values, but the family keeps hinting otherwise.  They bring up her wild side, her aspirations to be a model, her free spirit.  Chris has only seen her shy side, but apparently she is quite a wild mustang deep down!  It seems like she has a lot to expose about her true self...  Her family definitely doubts her ability to settle down, but Jade insists that being on the show has changed her- she is ready to settle down... as long as she can finally admit the truth to Chris.

Jade finally admits to Chris about her nude photos, and to make it "less" awkward, decides to show Chris some of them...  So... she busts out the laptop and there are the pics!  And a video!  And there's her butt, and her boobs, and ohhhhh my there's more!  Chris is clearly torn between being really turned on and being totally weirded out.  He is definitely surprised but reassures Jade that this is not something that would affect their relationship.  He respects her for who she is!  Yeah yeah, I have a feeling that once he has time to process this (and realizes the fact that guys everywhere will be able to view his potential wife's naked body at any moment), he may reconsider...  But Chris insists that he still respects her, and I mean, he "saw her out of her shell... completely out of her shell" today.  So, I guess in the end, that made them closer... We'll see how this one plays out.

Back in Iowa, it looks like- could it be?!? Are we actually going to have a rose ceremony tonight???  Chris is having a really hard time, but he's ready, so here goes nothing!  The first 2 roses go to Whitney and Kaitlyn (that one is kind of a surprise!), and we already know the last one is going to Becca.  Which means Jade is going home, and I guess those Playboy pics really WERE a deal breaker after all.  Shocking.  This exit really isn't all that sad, probably because Jade has been so boring that nobody really cared too much about her to begin with.  And all I can say is, SHE better NOT be the next Bachelorette- I am not trying to have another Des situation here! Talk about awful.

Well, at this point I'm predicting Whitney or Becca to take it all, depending on what awkwardness goes down next week in the fantasy suite...  They are definitely the most "wife" material, but next week could make a big difference.  Can't wait to see what happens!  Until then...

Week 7 Recap Part 1: "Don't Google My Wife!"

So this week we have FIVE hours of Bachelor to get through enjoy, starting with a whole hour of (totally unnecessary) interviews.  Lucky for me (and all of us, really), I've got a glass of wine in hand!  Chris Harrison starts us off with an "exclusive" interview with Kelsey, who is going to explain herself for being hated by all the other girls (FYI she is allegedly skipping the Women Tell All special, which would explain the interview).  Kelsey reminds us all of how smart she is and uses a plethora of big words, while also reminding us that she is so delusional that she will never admit to being a conniving person.  Overall, this is a waste of time, as we learn nothing new and our minds do not change.  Next, Chris Harrison sits down with Chris to discuss his inability to understand women.  We find out that Ashley S. was actually a million times crazier than we even got to see on tv, even though apparently all of her auditions were incredibly normal.  Maybe we'll get some kind of explanation for that on Women Tell All...  Chris and Chris reminisce about all the awkward moments so far this season, and again, we really learn nothing new (except for an amazing runaway donkey chase which literally made me laugh out loud).

To wrap up the interviews, Chris Harrison sits down with Andi for an interview that breaks my heart!  I LOVED Andi and Josh and I was devastated by their breakup news.  Andi is clearly very emotional as she tries to fight back tears while answering Chris's prying questions.  Apparently they really loved each other, but weren't supporting/empowering each other enough, so it didn't work out.  I feel like this is fair- sometimes relationships don't work- but I am still very sad for her!!  Her first true heartbreak!  Chris offers her some counseling and assures her that she isn't a failure, but, maybe next time she shouldn't fall for a guy that's exactly like every one of her exes.  (In related news, I do NOT think she should be the next Bachelorette AGAIN.  Even though there are NO good prospects out of the remaining girls this season.  AKA give us Michelle Money!! Okay rant over).

Finally we get back to the real show!  We start back in Deadwood where the girls are still celebrating the 2-on-1 double dump.  We jump right into another elimination where Chris lets Megan go home before the rose ceremony even starts, and we are all shocked. Oh wait, not surprised at all.  Apparently he felt a really strong connection to her though...?  Did he even ever have a conversation with her?  Because, yikes.  The real surprise comes when Chris H. announces that ANOTHER girl will be going home tonight. Dang, these producers are really trying to speed this season along!  Lucky for the remaining 6 girls, Chris decides that he's going rogue and he's keeping them all.  But wait, there's more... they are all going to... IOWA!!!  This excitement is so fake I cannot even take it.  Nobody is this happy about visiting Iowa.  Sorry.  (For those keeping track, they have STILL not left the country).

The girls get to Iowa and they cannot believe how beautiful it is there!!!  Okay.  I guess their hotel is in a city a few hours away, because Arlington is a whole lot of nothing.  No really, like, 400 people nothing.  Jade gets the first one-on-one date, and is heading to Chris's house to see what her future may hold...  And meanwhile, Britt is SUPER jealous because she really needs to see his house.  She reallyyyy needs to see this place where she might have to get to live for the rest of her life.  Oh Britt, I am sure you'll get your chance to reevaluate your entire relationship!  Already, Jade is admitting to us that she is not "in the clouds" about small town life.  She gets to hang out at his BALLER house (yes, he's like Iowan royalty), but I'm not sure if this is enough reason for her to want to live here...  Chris takes Jade "downtown" and shows her the 3 open businesses.  Yeah.  No bars, no restaurants, no people.  Chris is actually like embarrassed to show her around and all I can think is that NONE of these women are going to want this life.  Whose genius idea was it to make him The Bachelor???  This is NOT going to end in success, just throwing that out there.

Later on, Chris takes Jade to a high school football game and admits some things from his rebel past, and wonders why she is such a good girl.  Little does he know, she's got some nudey pics in her past!!  She decides that sitting in an English classroom is not the best time to reveal the truth, so, maybe later.  Once he's given her a rose and meets her family.  After this amazing high school football game, Jade decides that it IS a great place to live, and that she is falling in love with Chris.  Oh I am sure this is going to all work out now!

For the next date, Chris takes Whitney to Des Moines to take some photos, and, SHOCK- Whitney is SO happy and SO excited and thinks this is the greatest date ever!!!  Whitney is really loving Iowa and thinks this is a great place to live.  Yeah, because you are in the state capitol, not Arlington...  And am I the only person who just cannot stand Whitney?  Is it because she's too cheerful?  Is it her accent/voice?  Is it her naivete?  All of the above?  I don't know, I'm just over her, but I think Chris is really into her, so I guess she'll be around for a while longer... At least she's not super boring like Jade and Becca...  Anyway, later on at dinner, three of Chris's BFFs happen to stop by, and Whitney is SO EXCITED!!!  OMG give me a hug, this is amazing!!!  I actually do think that Whitney would be happy living in Iowa, but I am pretty sure that she would drive Chris absolutely insane within 2 weeks of living together.  She spends the rest of the date sharing sad stories in a positive light and staying cheerful ALL the time.  Can she try to not be positive for like, a minute?  There is no way she will be able to keep this up for the rest of her life, and I think it's important that Chris sees all sides of her before he makes any decisions...

Meanwhile, the other 4 girls decide that today is a great day to road trip to Arlington to check out their potential future.  I mean, it's probably a smart thing to do.  Once they arrive and drive through the entire town in about 2 minutes, they start to question what the Hell they have gotten themselves into.  Carly and Becca seem kind of okay with it (as long as they start popping out babies ASAP and raise them in the church), but Britt and Kaitlyn... not so sure.  Plus, apparently Britt even tells them that she cannot picture herself living there (until the sunset revelation on the way home that totally changed her mind).  In other news, I actually love Carly and all of her insults of Britt's fakeness.  She is actually the biggest shit-talker but I can't get enough.  I know she won't win, but I want her to stick around solely for her commentary.

The next date this week is a group date with Carly, Britt, and Katelyn. But before they leave for the date, Jade decides that she has to tell someone her secret, and she chooses Carly to share it with- hah!  The big secret that we already know, is that Jade did nude pics for Playboy!  Wow!  Carly of course has the best reaction and knows that Chris probably won't be too stoked about this... As Carly points out, "Hey Mom, don't Google my wife."  But when will Jade actually tell Chris?!? 

For the group date, they all go ice skating and Chris has his fair share of wipe-outs.  Britt then takes Chris away to tell him all about how much she looooved Arlington and the sunset and how much she would totally want to live there.  And Carly and Kaitlyn know she's full of shit, so we'll see if anyone calls her out...  Carly decides to do the right thing, because she knows that if Britt wins, it won't work out.  She tells Chris everything and warns him to be careful, and as always, I worry about the messenger.  But Chris says he will question Britt again, so we'll see how this plays out...  So Chris brings it up later on, and Britt insists that she wants his lifestyle and wants to be a mom more than anything.  Is she serious?  Does she even know what she wants?  The other girls think that Chris will see right through her, but, uhh, have you seen how hot she is??  So, no, he believes everything she says.  In an interesting twist of events, Chris gives the date rose to Kaitlyn, meaning he is definitely going to her hometown.  SO WHO IS GOING HOME THIS WEEK???  And how is everything going to get wrapped up in the next 15 minutes???

Once Kaitlyn comes back with the rose, shit gets uncomfortable.  Britt loses it and freaks out at Chris in front of the other girls.  She is ONLY okay if she is #1.  She cannot be seen as #2 or 3 or 4 and she basically threatens to leave.  In front of the others!  Chris once again decides to peace out of an awkward situation and leaves them all to process.  Britt explains that she doesn't want to bring a guy home if she isn't his top choice, and Carly is like, HELLO- I am the one who has to worry here!  All the other girls realize that she has totally blown it since she made herself look crazy and selfish and they expect her to just leave.

Well, we won't get to find out anything until tomorrow night (is anyone else getting really tired of these episodes not ending with the rose ceremony like they are supposed to?), and the big question is, who will get the 4th spot???  The previews make it clear that Kaitlyn, Jade, and Becca all get hometowns, but who will be the 4th???  My guess at this point is Whitney, since Carly even knows she won't last (and seems okay with that), and Britt most likely is leaving.  But we won't know for sure until tomorrow!  Stay tuned to find out all the drama and excitement!  Until then...

Week 6 Recap: "I'm Sorry for Using Big Words!"

So, the previews on ABC for the past week have been major spoilers, and we already know a) Kelsey gets a rose at the beginning and b) Kelsey and Ashley go on a dramatic 2-on-1.  So... I guess we'll see what shocking things happen since half the episode is already spoiled.

We open with the Kelsey "panic-attack" scene (with no other girls caring, of course), and the girls know this is a tactical move.  Once she finally "recovers," she asks to see Chris (shock) and even tells the medic, "I'm gonna get a rose tonight for sure."  So, yeah.  I'm sure this is real!  She tells Chris that this is all stemming from him bringing up their talk earlier, just to add on a little layer of guilt.  After the attack is over, she comes back into the room with the girls and starts laughing and joking around about what just happened.  Most of the girls are just shooting her glares (as am I), but Whitney doesn't think Chris will give her the rose just for this, and I'm like, REALLY?  Have you never seen this show??  Kelsey won't shut the hell up about feelings, and I can't tell if she is legit psycho, ridiculously deceptive, or just a horrible bitch.  Let's go with, a combination of all of the above.  Can we please move past this, I cannot deal with her much longer. 

Finally we get to (last week's) rose ceremony, where he keeps Ashley and Kelsey.  Wow, SHOCK.  Thankfully he finally sends home Mackenzie and that other brunette girl who we don't even know.  But, he keeps around Megan (aka that dumbass who thought Sante Fe was a Mexican beach).  When will he realize how freaking stupid she is???  I'm assuming this episode.  The girls are all pissed (of course) about Kelsey staying and taking another girl's place.  (Except Britt, who apparently is like BFF with her- which by the way makes me lose any respect I had for Britt).  Can we just get to the dates now, please?

Chris reminds us that he is not here for drama- he is here for fun, and that's why they are headed to--- South Dakota!  Apparently THIS is the perfect place to fall in love!  Is it, really? (I live in Wyoming so I'm allowed to talk crap about SD, okay).  But seriously, every other Bachelor takes the girls around the world, and this is what Chris does?  We get it.  He's an American farmer.

Meanwhile, Kelsey is feeling really good about her relationship and thinks that telling Chris about being a widow and having a fake-attack earns her the right to have a one-on-one.  Unfortunately Chris didn't agree, because the date goes to Becca.  Finally we will actually get to know Becca, because all I can remember about her at this point is that she's a virgin.  Oh and that she's the only one without a kiss at this point.  Here's hoping she isn't too dull!

For this date, they will be going horseback riding through the Black Hills, which I guess is romantic?  But like, they aren't even on the same horse!  Later, they roast kabobs in a fire pit and laugh about it.  Andddd that's pretty much the extent of their date.  Becca is nice and they seem to get along well, but whyyy are all of these girls either super boring or super crazy??  They finally kiss (in front of America!), but don't worry, she apologizes to her dad afterwards.

Back at the house, Carly is ready to confront Kelsey for the deceptive bitch that she is.  Carly is NOT okay with letting all her BS go, and I am with her.  Get it all out there, girls!  Whitney and Carly go after her, and (as expected) she plays the victim, has some nervous laughter, cries, and acts confused (oh crap, they are on to me- better work on my acting skills!).  She apologizes for being so smart and using big words, and promises to be more mindful of what she says.  But man, she needs to get back on track- she came here to win it, after all!

Finally the group date card arrives, which also determines who is going on the 2-on-1 (SHOCK- it's Kelsey and Ashley).  Luckily the girls are able to explain to dumbass Megan that she is going on the group date, and a few minutes later she gets excited when she finally understands.  So the girls are going to be writing country songs, and Big & Rich show up to help them (is it bad that I had NO clue who they were when they showed up?)  Poor Jade is so boring and lame that she cannot do this challenge!  Big or Rich helps her get out of her comfort zone, and hopefully Chris will reward her struggle with the rose later!  Meanwhile, Chris and Britt basically make out in front of all the other girls, and it makes it a bit difficult for everyone else... I wonder if the girls will freak out about this later??

Chris kicks off the musical performances with a pretty atrocious song, but then he just about cries as all of the girls sing for him.  They all try their hardest, and of course the cruise ship singer Carly's was the best (and very beautiful!).  Chris had a GREAT day (of course he did- 6 hot girls just serenaded him), but the excitement is not over yet...  Later on, everyone gets some alone time with Chris, but Britt gets special time! Chris takes Britt to the Big & Rich concert.  Just her.  (She doesn't even like country music).  This is kind of effing unfair.  He then brings out the rose and gives it to her on stage in front of everyone.  This is actually a dick move to every other girl.  Clearly this was all pre-planned.  Like, if you want to marry Britt, just end the show now, let all the other girls get on with their lives, and have fun not showering together for the rest of your lives.  They return from the concert and Chris makes things SUPER awkward, and then just walks away.  Way to be an ass and then just peace out.  Wow.  And we can't even be mad at Britt, because there is nothing she can really do either.  The other girls are rightfully humiliated by his obvious favoritism, and this is actually getting a little sad.  Have a heart, Chris.

In other news, am I the only one who is REALLY excited for this 2-on-1 date?  I was afraid that the Bachelor producers had done away with them, because we haven't seen one in many, many seasons.  And they are always my favorite- so uncomfortable/awkward/horrible, but we know at least someone goes home.  And hey, here's hoping that maybe, just maybe, Chris pulls a Jake Pavelka and sends BOTH girls home.  That would just be glorious.  Ashley and Kelsey are both super confident, but I actually have my money on Kelsey... unfortunately, she is a lot more deceptive and conniving than "innocent" Ashley. 

For their date, the girls go with Chris on a helicopter ride and Kelsey shows off her intelligence by naming the presidents on Mount Rushmore.  Wow is she smart!  Once they arrive at their destination, Ashley uses her alone time to make out with Chris as much as possible.  Oh and she also reveals the truth about Kelsey on behalf of everyone else.  Kelsey's alone time is awful and everything she says just feels SO staged and fake.  Chris confronts her about the fake accusations, and guess what Kelsey does???  DENY.  She insists that she is here to get to know Chris (but hasn't she continuously told the cameras that she is here to win??), so who do we trust???  When Kelsey returns to the tent with Ashley, she spends a few long minutes staring down Ashley as Ashley ignores her, until she finally confronts Ashley about knowing what she did...  This Kardashian is just wearing too much make up!  She is the fake one, and I am so above her! 

So Ashley storms off and runs into Chris, and she gets mad at him for telling Kelsey what she told him- talk about a love triangle of drama!  Ashley has a total immature hysterical breakdown and Chris tries to comfort her but also breaks up with her at the same time.  He is being totally honest and says they want different lifestyles (true), but Ashley makes the really good point- does he think that BRITT wants his lifestyle?  Maybe he should think about that one.  Ashley storms off and yells back at him that she tried to warn him, and I think that's another good point.  SEND THEM BOTH HOME!!!!  Ashley continues to cry her eyes out hysterically as Chris moves on to Kelsey next.  And OMG, he is going to pull a Jake!!! He sends them BOTH home and we couldn't have asked for a better outcome.  This. Is. Great. 

Back at the house, the producers come to get Kelsey's bags and the girls go wild!!!  Literally.  They are popping champagne and getting sloshed and it is pretty freaking hilarious.  Chris flies away in his helicopter, leaving both girls alone in the Badlands, and we are left without a rose ceremony AGAIN.  Ugh.  At least there will be a rose ceremony to kick off next week, which means Megan will finally be cut loose (but will she even realize it?).  Plus, apparently we are already going to get down to the top 3 by the end of next week, so I guess the producers have realized how freaking boring most of the remaining girls are, and things will end quickly from now on.  Can't wait to see what happens with next week's double episodes!  Until then...

Week 5 Recap: A Big Comparison Game of Sad Stories!

Well, well, well, apparently tonight's episode is going to be "out of control," and Kelsey will show her true psycho-crazy-bitch colors.  Should be exciting!  We start off in Sante Fe, NM, which Chris thinks may just be "the perfect place to fall in love," which I have never heard before!  What a concept.  Apparently the dumbass girls think they are headed "out of the country" "to the beach" and I cry a little bit inside- did all of your social studies teachers fail you!?! Sad.

The first one-on-one date goes to Carly, and the card says "Let's come together..."  Which is very interesting considering what the previews make it seem like is going to happen on this date... Ahem, ahem.  It appears that they will be meditating with a love guru who has the secrets of intimacy... I mean, what are they hinting at?? For real.  By the way, this is totally freaking weird, and kind of reminds me of preparing for labor.  Like, Chris is sitting in a perfect birthing position.  Next, they are going to take each other's clothes off (on a first date, btw), in front of this crazy sex guru lady, and this is seriously so effing awkward.  Thank GOD they finally stop before getting naked, and now that they have been through this insanely awkward day, they are much closer.  Yeah.  Okay.  I am literally screaming at my television set trying to make it stop.  This is the most uncomfortable I have EVER been while watching The Bachelor.  And that is saying a lot.  Please stop this.  PLEASE.

Unfortunately the date does not end there, and they show another 10+ minutes of them spilling their guts and sharing their emotions to each other.  I mean, I like Carly, but this is so. boring.  Chris makes her feel beautiful and gives her a rose and I'm like, please get this date out of here!!!

Finally we move on to the group date, where the rest of the girls (minus Britt- she gets the solo date!) are going white water rafting.  But yikes, there are some risks, like, alligators in the river!  Right, Megan?  (Did she at least realize they weren't at a foreign beach yet?)  In case we haven't realized yet, I think Chris is into outdoor activities.  The danger is apparently real, as Jade goes overboard and apparently has a disorder that requires Chris to rub her body parts so that she doesn't die.  And Kelsey and Mackenzie are both jealous- why can't I have a life-threatening problem that gets me more attention?!?  Gosh.

So, first huge shocker of the night- as Chris is going to the party at the hotel- Jordan shows up!  Remember Jordan?  The drunken waste-case who went home like 3 weeks ago???  She's back for a second chance, now that she has sobered up, and apparently Chris is so nice that he is going to give her some time to meet the real her.  No surprise, these girls are PISSED, especially Ashley.  Doesn't he know they are so different- Jordan is a party girl.  Ashley is a virgin.  (In case you didn't know).  Different.  In other news, Chris is about to send a clear message that if he eliminates someone, she can just meet up with them a few weeks later and get back into the competition.  Great precedent to set!  Meanwhile, the only thing any of the girls want to talk to him about is Jordan and her drinking.  We get it.  Well, Chris decides to send her back home after all, and this whole event has turned into quite an uneventful letdown.  The rose goes to Whitney (who he really likes, God knows why?) and the other desperate girls are feeling pretty bummed.  Or down right pissed.  Ashley has yet another meltdown because of Whitney's "fakeness," (again, look in the mirror), and I am so over her.  All of them.  Please get rid of at least 6 girls tonight, k thanks.

So the final date is with Britt, and according to the date card it is going to involve heights.  Which is Britt's #1 biggest fear in the world. Kind of like how intimacy was Carly's biggest fear.  What a coincidence.  It's like the producers purposefully plan these dates to make the girls uncomfortable or something.  I wonder if this will be a terrifying experience that makes them closer in the end??  So Chris wakes Britt up at 4:30 AM and he can't believe how beautiful she looks when she just wakes up.  Does he know that the sparkle eyeshadow, mascara, and lipstick AREN'T natural?  (According to Carly, Britt applies makeup before going to bed, just in case, and I believe it).  I wonder if she actually showered at any point before this date, since apparently it had been weeks since her last one.  (No really, she admitted that).  It turns out they are going on a hot air balloon ride, and luckily THAT isn't scary.  If they were jumping off something, THAT would be scary.  Not this pretty balloon that floats in the air... this is no big deal.  Especially when we get to make out in the basket.

Let's go hang out in your hotel room... ;)  I'll even shower!

Back at the girls' hotel, all the other women are bitching about Britt and about how she has been lying and talking behind Chris' back about loving the single life.  And then she went and told him that she wants a hundred kids!  Not only that, but it looks like Chris is about to cross the line...  For the end of their date, Chris brings Britt into his BED and then closes the doors to keep out the cameras.  So.  Umm.  Yeah.  That happened.  Now I REALLY hope she showered, because, ew.  BTW for those keeping track, this is their first real date, and he is already having a fantasy experience.  So.  Yeah.  If I was one of the other girls, I would be pretty mad.

Britt returns with a new little spring in her step and regales the girls with stories about her "nap" with Chris in his bed.  Knowing about this just makes Kelsey want to do the same thing, so she heads up to Chris' hotel room to "steal his time."  She decides that this is the perfect time to share her sob story about being a widow, and apparently this is supposed to make Chris want to invite YOU into his bed too??  She then (smilingly) confesses to the camera- "Isn't my story amazing?  It's tragic.  But amazing."  It seems like she is delusional and thinks this whole show is based on HER "love story", and this whole thing is SKETCH.  Her amazing story gets Chris to kiss her, and she is giddy as she runs off back to the girls' room.  Man, we really have some winners this season!

So Chris arrives for the cocktail party and tries to express his emotions to the girls, as he outs Kelsey on their "secret" conversation.  The whole night now becomes about Kelsey as she puts on quite a show.  I can't even try to explain the acting job that she is doing right now.  This is absolutely ridiculous and I hope that nobody is falling for her bullshit monologue about how much she changed Chris' life today.  Chris Harrison comes in to explain that there will be no cocktail party tonight since Chris knows what he is going to do, and the girls without roses are rightfully upset.  Kelsey pretty much ruined everything by telling him such a great story, and as Ashley complains- why can't I have a story like that?!?  The other stories just aren't sad enough!  Don't we all know- on this show, it's the sadder the sob story, the better!

The next thing we know, Kelsey is collapsed in a hallway crying and barely responsive having some kind of attack.  Isn't this a little bit similar to her story about her husband's death?  I'm just saying.  I can't deal with this anymore, and I just wish we actually got a rose ceremony tonight instead of a To Be Continued...  I can't stand another week with these bitches!  I guess we will have to wait until next week to see if she pulls through this near-death experience.

In other news, Megan in a sombrero doing the macarena, making Native American chants, and giving a geography lesson.  I just can't.  More of that please.  We'll see what ridiculousness we get next week... Until then!