Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Week 5 Recap: America's Next Bachelor??

This week is shaping up to be ridiculously tearful- for Des AND the guys!  These men are literally more caddy and dramatic than women and I don't know if I can handle the emotion that is coming.  The gang heads to Germany and we'll see what kind of beer-induced shenanigans ensue.  This is Des' first time in Europe- I hope it isn't marred by all the hysterical crying!  This week we will also get our first 2-on-1 date, which are always my favorite- so dramatic and awkward- so I am ready!

Chris gets the first one-on-one, and I am happy.  He is really handsome and just a nice guy, and I think they are good together!  They are going to wander around Munich, and hopefully do something more that will actually be exciting to watch.  Meanwhile, back at the hotel Bryden is still having doubts about his feelings towards her, and sadly I think he just has a lot of stuff going on (PTSD, I'm telling you), and I am not surprised.  He decides he needs to go home, and he cannot wait even a day to tell her.  It needs to be now- during Chris' date.  Yikes...  Des and Chris are having a great time being goofy and playing around in the city, and they even dance awkwardly in the middle of a crowd of bystanders.  Chris is so happy and thinks nothing can go wrong- oh wait- here comes Bryden.  Bryden wanders around asking people on the streets if they have seen tv cameras (could he not just ask the ones following him to call them??), and eventually shows up in the crowd watching Des and Chris dancing.  Shit is about to get really uncomfortable.  Bryden ambushes them and Chris is such a gentleman about it, as Bryden takes Des away to talk.  Des is so nice that she doesn't even know what is coming!  Everyone is freaking out, but I mean, it's better for him to leave now than stay and not want to be there.  She can't expect them ALL to be in love with her, since she clearly is not in love with all of them!  Des doesn't seem to mind at first, and at least she could kind of see it coming.  She's just pissed that he did it during this date, but it gives Chris a chance to show how great HE is in comparison.  He is so sweet about it all, and I love him even more.  They go to a romantic dinner in a castle, just like royalty, and it's really adorable.  Chris is such a good guy- how has he not found someone yet?!? He wants a relationship and a family, he is hot, and he is amazingly sweet.  Oh, AND he wrote her a love poem that makes her cry.  Come on!!  The girls will be lining up to get with him if Des doesn't pick him.  He gets the rose, of course, and we have a new front runner here!

Back at the hotel, we find out that the 2-on-1 is going to Ben and Michael.  Clearly she did this because she plans to keep Ben, but maybe Michael will finally be able to expose Ben for the fraud that everyone keeps insisting he is.  Doubtful.  See ya, Michael.  But before that, we have to check out the group date, with Kasey, Brooks, and some guys we don't care about.  They are at the highest peak in Germany and are going to play in the snow.  Yay, snow!  They ride the gondola to the top, and it is majestic/terrifying up there.  Suddenly we all hear a yodeler, and the guys all give yodeling a try. Love it.  Next, they all take sleds down the mountain. This looks dangerous, and Drew even collides into Des.  We are then reminded that, you know, love is like sledding down this hill.  From day one they pushed off, and they let themselves go completely.  Wow, Zak, thank you for the banal metaphor. Time to go warm up.  They all head into an ice mansion/hotel/igloo stocked with pretzels and beer, and Des warns them that if they don't like, her, they need to leave.  Brooks is ready to reassure her.  Love him!  Seriously, why are some of these guys still single?  Des just wants to make out with Brooks (gotta stay warm!), and their connection is certain.  Next, Mikey proposes making little snowmen, and Des' face lights up like a kid on Christmas.  That's too much, Des. It's snowmen.  Meanwhile, Zak is creeping on them and finally yodels to get her attention, ruining Mikey's time.  Zak makes a couple more metaphors and gets super existential.  Can he just have a normal conversation? Next.  The guys start to question James, and I get such a douche vibe from him.  This two-sided jerk!  Watching them make out is actually making me want to vomit.  He is gross.  Hopefully someone will call him out.  Luckily, Brooks gets the rose, and I am happy.  Can we see some alone time with Kasey or Drew please??  Annoying.
Being on a mountain is just like their love! (ABC)
Next up, the ridiculously tense 2-on-1 date.  My prediction: Michael will try to call out Ben, Des will get pissed, and Michael will go home.  Clearly Des wants Michael's help to expose Ben's douchiness, right?  Oh Michael. Innocent, naive little Michael...  He can't wait to declare Ben guilty of fraud and impersonation of a Southern gentleman. Michael immediately says that he loves confrontation, and Ben should know that, and we cannot handle the awkwardness.  Des decides that since she didn't man up to do the polar bear plunge on Sean's season, they will do it today.  That sounds awful.  They all get suited up, but guess what?? She tricked them!! Instead, they get to take a hot tug through the lake.  Literally a hot tub boat.  That is amazing.  Screw awkward, this looks awesome.  Michael keeps bringing up Ben's son and ex, and it is just too much. Clearly he is trying to call out Ben, and Des is not feeling that.  Ben tries to bite his tongue, but Michael is just being a jerk.  This will backfire, you idiot!

Back at the house, we hear that James has been talking about his true intentions for being on the show.  He hopes to become the next Bachelor, or at least become the king of Chicago and hook up with hot, rich women on Mikey's boat.  Oookay.  Drew and Kasey overheard all this, and they are going to bring this to Des.  The alliance of my top 4 (Brooks, Chris, Drew, and Kasey) are having a private meeting about this, but they of course fear that this will make Des wary of ALL of them.  She better not take this out on my faves!

Meanwhile, Michael is still calling out Ben and throwing him under the bus, and she just keeps on chugging her wine.  Too much!  It's like Des is just witnessing a boys bickering match, and Ben is being forced to defend everything he's ever done.  He's actually being rather classy about it, and finally excuses himself to blow off some steam.  I would be pissed too!  Ben is done being nice, but I think he needs to just let Des get rid of Michael the awkward jerk.  Des is ready to possibly let them both go, but we'll see...  Michael knows that he messed up, Ben didn't fall into the trap, and now Des will give Ben the benefit of the doubt and give him more alone time.  At least she acknowledges that it's a red flag that he doesn't get along with the other guys, but we don't really see the bad things either!  Next, Des questions Michael about what the problem is with Ben, and the truth comes out.  At this point, just send them both home.  Over it.  In a CRAZY turn of events, Michael gets the rose!! WHAT just happened??  Michael is ugly and awkward and a jerk, and she should have just sent him home too.  Ben is losing his shit as he storms out, but does give Des a nice goodbye.  Gotta keep up the nice guy image so his bar business can flourish!  Michael will go home next week, so I'm not too worried about any of this.  Back at the hotel, the guys all celebrate when Ben's suitcase is taken away, and then in the limo Ben gives one final message to ABC: They missed out on having someone for the next Bachelor. A single dad from Texas.  Clearly he would've been the best choice.  He then asks the cameramen, where are we getting drunk tonight for my last night in Munich?  WELL, looks like we finally gets to see his douchebag side!  Alright, good call, Des. 

One douche gone, now for the next one- James.  The guys are ready to call him out before the rose ceremony!  Des arrives at the castle (what a fairytale!) and she wants to do something different.  She has a meaningless conversation with Chris Harrison, though he does ask who the best kisser is.  Physically, who does she want to make out with right now? Jeez, Chris, this is getting graphic!  Can we just get to the ceremony, please?  Des decides not to even have a cocktail party, because she knows who is going home.  Dang!  Chris really wants to have this party and tries to convince her, but she knows, darn it!  I guess the guys won't have a chance to tell her the truth about James after all. Oh, but James gets the chance to say "You look beautiful," and that is it.  Wow, that was necessary.  Someone is nervous...  Des is ready to hand out the roses and all eyes are on James.  But clearly he will get one tonight.  Zak, Kasey, Juan Pablo (was he even in this episode??), and Drew get roses, and I am happy that my faves are all still in!  And the final rose goes to... James!  Duh.  That means Mikey goes home, and again, nobody cares.  Drew is VERY angry about James staying around, and I am sure things will heat up next week with this drama.  It looks like Des will be back in tears and she will be taking it out on the guys, not James.  No!!  We will see how this turns out, but as long as my top 4 are safe, I will be happy.  I can't wait!

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