Week 5 Recap: America's Next Bachelor??

This week is shaping up to be ridiculously tearful- for Des AND the guys!  These men are literally more caddy and dramatic than women and I don't know if I can handle the emotion that is coming.  The gang heads to Germany and we'll see what kind of beer-induced shenanigans ensue.  This is Des' first time in Europe- I hope it isn't marred by all the hysterical crying!  This week we will also get our first 2-on-1 date, which are always my favorite- so dramatic and awkward- so I am ready!

Chris gets the first one-on-one, and I am happy.  He is really handsome and just a nice guy, and I think they are good together!  They are going to wander around Munich, and hopefully do something more that will actually be exciting to watch.  Meanwhile, back at the hotel Bryden is still having doubts about his feelings towards her, and sadly I think he just has a lot of stuff going on (PTSD, I'm telling you), and I am not surprised.  He decides he needs to go home, and he cannot wait even a day to tell her.  It needs to be now- during Chris' date.  Yikes...  Des and Chris are having a great time being goofy and playing around in the city, and they even dance awkwardly in the middle of a crowd of bystanders.  Chris is so happy and thinks nothing can go wrong- oh wait- here comes Bryden.  Bryden wanders around asking people on the streets if they have seen tv cameras (could he not just ask the ones following him to call them??), and eventually shows up in the crowd watching Des and Chris dancing.  Shit is about to get really uncomfortable.  Bryden ambushes them and Chris is such a gentleman about it, as Bryden takes Des away to talk.  Des is so nice that she doesn't even know what is coming!  Everyone is freaking out, but I mean, it's better for him to leave now than stay and not want to be there.  She can't expect them ALL to be in love with her, since she clearly is not in love with all of them!  Des doesn't seem to mind at first, and at least she could kind of see it coming.  She's just pissed that he did it during this date, but it gives Chris a chance to show how great HE is in comparison.  He is so sweet about it all, and I love him even more.  They go to a romantic dinner in a castle, just like royalty, and it's really adorable.  Chris is such a good guy- how has he not found someone yet?!? He wants a relationship and a family, he is hot, and he is amazingly sweet.  Oh, AND he wrote her a love poem that makes her cry.  Come on!!  The girls will be lining up to get with him if Des doesn't pick him.  He gets the rose, of course, and we have a new front runner here!

Back at the hotel, we find out that the 2-on-1 is going to Ben and Michael.  Clearly she did this because she plans to keep Ben, but maybe Michael will finally be able to expose Ben for the fraud that everyone keeps insisting he is.  Doubtful.  See ya, Michael.  But before that, we have to check out the group date, with Kasey, Brooks, and some guys we don't care about.  They are at the highest peak in Germany and are going to play in the snow.  Yay, snow!  They ride the gondola to the top, and it is majestic/terrifying up there.  Suddenly we all hear a yodeler, and the guys all give yodeling a try. Love it.  Next, they all take sleds down the mountain. This looks dangerous, and Drew even collides into Des.  We are then reminded that, you know, love is like sledding down this hill.  From day one they pushed off, and they let themselves go completely.  Wow, Zak, thank you for the banal metaphor. Time to go warm up.  They all head into an ice mansion/hotel/igloo stocked with pretzels and beer, and Des warns them that if they don't like, her, they need to leave.  Brooks is ready to reassure her.  Love him!  Seriously, why are some of these guys still single?  Des just wants to make out with Brooks (gotta stay warm!), and their connection is certain.  Next, Mikey proposes making little snowmen, and Des' face lights up like a kid on Christmas.  That's too much, Des. It's snowmen.  Meanwhile, Zak is creeping on them and finally yodels to get her attention, ruining Mikey's time.  Zak makes a couple more metaphors and gets super existential.  Can he just have a normal conversation? Next.  The guys start to question James, and I get such a douche vibe from him.  This two-sided jerk!  Watching them make out is actually making me want to vomit.  He is gross.  Hopefully someone will call him out.  Luckily, Brooks gets the rose, and I am happy.  Can we see some alone time with Kasey or Drew please??  Annoying.

Being on a mountain is just like their love! (ABC)

Next up, the ridiculously tense 2-on-1 date.  My prediction: Michael will try to call out Ben, Des will get pissed, and Michael will go home.  Clearly Des wants Michael's help to expose Ben's douchiness, right?  Oh Michael. Innocent, naive little Michael...  He can't wait to declare Ben guilty of fraud and impersonation of a Southern gentleman. Michael immediately says that he loves confrontation, and Ben should know that, and we cannot handle the awkwardness.  Des decides that since she didn't man up to do the polar bear plunge on Sean's season, they will do it today.  That sounds awful.  They all get suited up, but guess what?? She tricked them!! Instead, they get to take a hot tug through the lake.  Literally a hot tub boat.  That is amazing.  Screw awkward, this looks awesome.  Michael keeps bringing up Ben's son and ex, and it is just too much. Clearly he is trying to call out Ben, and Des is not feeling that.  Ben tries to bite his tongue, but Michael is just being a jerk.  This will backfire, you idiot!

Back at the house, we hear that James has been talking about his true intentions for being on the show.  He hopes to become the next Bachelor, or at least become the king of Chicago and hook up with hot, rich women on Mikey's boat.  Oookay.  Drew and Kasey overheard all this, and they are going to bring this to Des.  The alliance of my top 4 (Brooks, Chris, Drew, and Kasey) are having a private meeting about this, but they of course fear that this will make Des wary of ALL of them.  She better not take this out on my faves!

Meanwhile, Michael is still calling out Ben and throwing him under the bus, and she just keeps on chugging her wine.  Too much!  It's like Des is just witnessing a boys bickering match, and Ben is being forced to defend everything he's ever done.  He's actually being rather classy about it, and finally excuses himself to blow off some steam.  I would be pissed too!  Ben is done being nice, but I think he needs to just let Des get rid of Michael the awkward jerk.  Des is ready to possibly let them both go, but we'll see...  Michael knows that he messed up, Ben didn't fall into the trap, and now Des will give Ben the benefit of the doubt and give him more alone time.  At least she acknowledges that it's a red flag that he doesn't get along with the other guys, but we don't really see the bad things either!  Next, Des questions Michael about what the problem is with Ben, and the truth comes out.  At this point, just send them both home.  Over it.  In a CRAZY turn of events, Michael gets the rose!! WHAT just happened??  Michael is ugly and awkward and a jerk, and she should have just sent him home too.  Ben is losing his shit as he storms out, but does give Des a nice goodbye.  Gotta keep up the nice guy image so his bar business can flourish!  Michael will go home next week, so I'm not too worried about any of this.  Back at the hotel, the guys all celebrate when Ben's suitcase is taken away, and then in the limo Ben gives one final message to ABC: They missed out on having someone for the next Bachelor. A single dad from Texas.  Clearly he would've been the best choice.  He then asks the cameramen, where are we getting drunk tonight for my last night in Munich?  WELL, looks like we finally gets to see his douchebag side!  Alright, good call, Des. 

One douche gone, now for the next one- James.  The guys are ready to call him out before the rose ceremony!  Des arrives at the castle (what a fairytale!) and she wants to do something different.  She has a meaningless conversation with Chris Harrison, though he does ask who the best kisser is.  Physically, who does she want to make out with right now? Jeez, Chris, this is getting graphic!  Can we just get to the ceremony, please?  Des decides not to even have a cocktail party, because she knows who is going home.  Dang!  Chris really wants to have this party and tries to convince her, but she knows, darn it!  I guess the guys won't have a chance to tell her the truth about James after all. Oh, but James gets the chance to say "You look beautiful," and that is it.  Wow, that was necessary.  Someone is nervous...  Des is ready to hand out the roses and all eyes are on James.  But clearly he will get one tonight.  Zak, Kasey, Juan Pablo (was he even in this episode??), and Drew get roses, and I am happy that my faves are all still in!  And the final rose goes to... James!  Duh.  That means Mikey goes home, and again, nobody cares.  Drew is VERY angry about James staying around, and I am sure things will heat up next week with this drama.  It looks like Des will be back in tears and she will be taking it out on the guys, not James.  No!!  We will see how this turns out, but as long as my top 4 are safe, I will be happy.  I can't wait!

Week 4 Recap: Tap Dancing & Pelvic Thrusts

Well, it is week 4, and I am excited, as always.  You may notice that I am a day or so late on this post, and I must apologize to my loyal fans!  I have family in town so I have to hang out with them of course, so I am a bit delayed.  I am also a bit wine-drunk, so this should be fun!  Can't wait to see what happens this week!  Chris Harrison announces that they are off to explore the world- to Atlantic City!!! Really?  That's the best the world can do?  Good work, ABC.  Did they mention that it was winter at the time of this recording?  In New Jersey?  Good choice.  Regardless, the guys are psyched to see Des, so let's see what happens!!!

The first one-on-one goes to Brad. WHO?  Super quiet, and remember, he has a kid? Not for Des. I agree with the other guys.  Let him go sooner than later.  Well Des is having a great time on the date on the boardwalk, but I think it is her love for chocolate that really shines through when they get to the sweets factory.  I feel like this date is fun because Des can have fun with everyone, not because of Brad.  He. Is. Boring.  The guys all keep insisting that he is not the right guy for her, and I can't help but agree.  Please move on.  Not even ABC wants this date to happen- hence why they are breezing through it.  Or does it just seem that way since I've already had 5 glasses of wine tonight? 

Next, Des and Brad head to a romantic convo in a sandcastle?  Am I the only one who is thrown by the fact that she is wearing a coat and scarf? Wow, looks fun. This date is lame and Des does NOT want to be the stepmother to his child!  Sorry.  They then go to dinner and he is literally the lamest most boring person ever.  Des is too nice and can't handle the thought of sending him home.  I think this is the first time we have actually seen people EAT on their date- I guess because they are not talking at all. Time to cut this guy, Des. If you can't even hold a dinner convo... this is DONE.  They try to drag on some awkward chats, but I cannot even deal.  Dear Des, it is not good enough that he is a "family man," you need to CLICK.  They end up walking up to the lighthouse but I cannot even deal with this. Finally Des grows some balls and tells him what we all can obviously see, and sends him home.  This. Is. Awkward. Way to make him walk ALL the way to the top of the lighthouse just to send him all the way back down.  Bitch move.  Well, she sends him home, and nobody cares.  The guys are happy, and nobody is shocked.  Brad cries and we don't even feel bad.  Can we get some real drama please??

Back at the house we get our group date card for the night, and everyone but James is called.  The guys are ready, and I am ready to get this narrowed down even more!  Des has something "fun" planned, and we find out that they will be competing in their own Mr. America pageant.  YES.  I cannot wait to see this.  Swimsuit competition anyone??  Their pageant consultant is AMAZING and flamboyant and I love love love him.  This is going to be ridiculous.  Figuring out the talents is crazy, and we find out that Juan Pablo knows how to spin a baton like a pro, and Chris enjoys wearing women's heels.  Hmm.  The current Miss America helps the guys prep for the interview portion, and finally, the guys get ready to rock their swimsuits- many of which are speedos- and I am back to excited. Let's get this pageant started! Before we begin, Chris Harrison informs us that the guys will be performing in front of a live crowd, of course.  So jealous of that crowd.  They start with the interview portion, and Kasey gives a great answer to start us off, about how he likes to give.  Ohh yeah. We see some more great answers, find out that Juan Pablo has a daughter (did we know that?) and see Mikey's sensitive side. On to the talents, where adorable Kasey does a tap dance routine, Mikey does something meathead-ish, Brooks does a crazy ukelele routine, Bryden pelvic thrusts, and Zak W. sings us a lovely song.  Then of course we got the swimsuits- hottt!  And finally the results!  Brooks takes 2nd runner up, Zak W. 1st runner up, and my fave Kasey wins Mr. America!  So excited for him.  #pageantking

Yes.  (ABC)

Later, the guys go out to a cocktail party with Des, and Brian busts out some poetry. Des loves writing poetry too, wow what a coincidence! He must have stalked her to find that out.  Next we hear again how much everyone hates Ben, yes again, and how he never talks about his son. Oh wait, he starts talking about his son.  She likes him, so does America, get over it. Next Zak W finishes his song for Des and we all swoon. I mean, cute, but too much??  Time to pass out the rose (without even giving Bryden any one on one time), what the hell, and Zak W gets it. Because of the song?? Okay..  Bryden is pissed as he should be, and everyone is ready to be really honest with Des!

Meanwhile, James is ready for his one on one date!  He is excited but I do not think he is right for her. We will see...  Today's date will be the opposite of extravagant, as they are going to see the damage from Sandy. Ugh so depressing and real! Des wants to shed light on what happened and I clearly cannot make fun, so I'll take a break and just watch. Des and James now have a bond and we can't trash on it!  They meet an adorable older couple who are rebuilding from the storm and the couple is honored to meet Des!  Sweet, but so backwards. Another touching moment and we really need to get back to the relationship drama. Sorry.  Des and James decide to give their date to the couple who lost so much and I am so touched and am literally tearing up that this cute old couple will get this Bachelor-style date, including a limo taking them to Atlantic City. Okay this is sweet and I just love Des.  James goes in for the kiss and I'm like, not the time James. This is an emotional day, no time for romance! They then go off to find some casual dining somewhere. Meanwhile we get to watch the older couple on their date (why can't they just enjoy their date in peace??) but we are all so touched!  Anyway, James is really cute and they have a nice dinner, but I still don't think he's the right guy.  James decides to be honest and share that he cheated on a past girlfriend and I feel like Des gets a bit uneasy. Omg you cheated once in college?! Please. Move on. Who didn't?  He admits that he will never do it again so we will see what happens...  It comes time to give out the rose (or is that for Jan and Manny now?) and James gets it. Shock. I will admit, it was so nice what they did on this date, but it definitely wasn't too romantic, so I am not sure what will happen if they get another date... Darius Rucker sings for them all but I'm just like, is this episode over yet?

Finally it is time for the cocktail party and rose ceremony and I cannot wait to get someone out of here!  We find out that Bryden is not really feeling it, and he isn't sure he would even accept the rose. What the heck?!  I love you Bryden!  Des is hoping to narrow it down to husband prospects, and I know who I would send home. But she is too nice!  Like, Mikey G? No. Get him out. Funny is not the only thing you need.  I do really like Brian and she should keep him around I'm sure.  It's time for Bryden to talk to her and I am nervous. He is feeling like things are slowing down and I don't like it!  Des senses the struggle but she likes him, so who knows what she will do!!  He is still doubting and he definitely has some kind if PTSD emotional distress like I thought. Anxiety for sure. But I am rooting for him!

We get to the rose ceremony and only 1 guy is getting sent home.  So slow to cut these guys! Get rid of at least 2! Boring.  I love that she keeps Juan Pablo. Yeah, he is really husband material... Hot, yes. Husband, probably not.  My faves like Ben and Kasey get roses, and even Bryden accepts his.  The final rose goes to Mikey, blah, sending home Zack (not W)- who??  And even though he is shocked, I am not. Do we even really know him??  Over it. Get to next week, please!!  

Next week they are headed to Germany for some craziness and drama!  Apparently James is not here for the right reasons, shock, and Ben gets some more exposure, double shock. Can't wait for these guys to turn on each other even more! Stay tuned!

Week 3 Recap: It's not called 'Let's Make Friends'

Tonight there are 16 men still vying for Des' heart.  I can't wait to see the drama that will inevitably ensue tonight- hopefully we will find out what the big problem is with Ben, and of course whose girlfriend shows up!  The first date of the night is a group date and oh no, BEN is on the date.  Ugh, how horrible for the other guys.  Please.  Des is SO excited because the guys will be playing... Dodgeball!  Yeah!  Men!  This should get intense.

I could watch this forever... (ABC)

Des is excited to see the guys in their "natural state," aka hot sweaty men physically competing for her.  In case you were wondering, yes, that is every girl's dream.  Just when it looks like the whole date will consist of the pro team kicking the guys' asses, Chris Harrison shows up to explain the real competition- red team vs. blue team for extra time with Des!  Chris has created the teams by himself, and I am hoping he just stacks one team against the other.  That makes it more fun!  Not only are the guys competing, but they are competing in tight shorts in front of a hug crowd.  LOVE.  Des is literally dying laughing, and what I wouldn't give to be in her place.  Ahh, boys.  I decide to root for the blue team, since I love Drew and I do like Ben!  They win the intense first game, but the red team takes the second game- all tied up!  So much suspense!  This is for all the marbles.  Or as (who?) explains, marbles in this case would be time with Des tonight.  Ohhh, I wasn't sure what you meant by marbles, thanks for that explanation, guy who matters so little that I don't remember your name.  Well the third game starts and right away Brooks falls the to the ground.  I swear it looks like he is grabbing his balls, but apparently it is his finger.  Des just wants to help him feel better- his poor broken finger!  He is shipped off the to hospital and the game resumes, and YAY blue team wins!  Zak is able to take down Chris at the end, and Des is so impressed!  She decides, why not take all the guys to the after party!? That was NOT the point, Des. Whatever, on to the rest of the date...

Meanwhile at the hospital, Brooks is all hooked up to a million wires and machines- all for a finger?  I mean, I've never broken a finger, but this seems excessive.  Des has a hard time keeping her mind off of Brooks (they ARE perfect for each other), but then she sees 9 other hotties around her and quickly moves on.  One of the guys whose name I also can't remember (Brad?) confesses to Des that he has a son and Des just eats that up. She loves kids!  As the night goes on, Des spends time with each of the guys, and they are panicking about the rose per usual. Chris surprises Des by finding a "special spot" on the roof!  How did he find this place?!?  Because it's a roof.  Every building has one.  They have a romantic chat and Chris is feeling confident with her.  Phew. I like him enough, I guess he's fine.  Finally, Brooks makes a miraculous recovery and shows up at the date in his uniform and splinted finger.  Des is smitten and they have a little make out sesh in the middle of the group date.  Love it.  Even though Brooks went through SO much to be with her, Chris gets the rose and extra bonus time with Des (private concert!).  The other guys watch them dancing/kissing and get even more jealous.  I guess I like Chris- he seems very nice and normal, which is always a plus for this show. 

Kasey gets the one-on-one date card, and I am SO excited to hear what hashtags he comes up with for the date!  But before the date, Des gets a sketchy call from Chris Harrison.  He has some bizarre news.  Uh oh!  Des is ready to head to the house to confront one of these bastards.  Someone here is being rude and playing a game.  NOT okay.  Well, it's Brian.  Do we even know him that well?  Des asks him if there is anything he needs to tell her, and if he is here for the right reasons.  And he just LIES about it.  Well, in comes Chris Harrison with some woman, aka Brian's girlfriend! Oh snap!  Well Stephanie breaks down and starts going ballistic, and it turns out that he has been lying to her the whole time.  AND she has a son who Brian is a role model for.  Holyyyyy moly.  Des and Chris try to mediate this situation, and this guy is clearly just a douche.  They slept together 2 days before he came on the show!  Stephanie is just trying to help Des and expose him as a jerk, and I'm like, okay okay, just send him home and let them work this out on their own.  Chris asks Des if there is ANY chance he is staying on the show, and Des says not a chance.  Don't worry, none of us were rooting for him anyway.  Moving on.  Brian is escorted out, and the guys all try to act like they weren't eavesdropping on the whole thing.  Don't worry, Chris explains the whole thing in case they didn't figure it out on their own.  Des gives them all the chance to admit anything they need to tell her, but nobody speaks up, and hopefully that means they are all good guys!  This situation does bring Brandon to tears thinking about this poor single mother who Brian left, and I cannot handle this emotion.  Brandon, get yourself together.  You are nuts.

Finally we get to Kasey's date, and hopefully Des will be able to focus on him!  They go out to explore Hollywood, and they are ready for some fun!  They come across some people dancing on the side of a building, and they are going to try it too!  This should be interesting.  They start having a great time, but finally reach the point of exhaustion.  They actually go to have a "normal" date on top of the building, and all of the sudden these intense winds start blowing.  They decide to jump into the pool to avoid the wind, and apparently that is freezing too.  This date.  Such a disaster.  They end up inside in a stairwell, and Des does give Kasey the rose. I think she was just trying to end that date once and for all. What a bummer!  I love Kasey but this date was a bust.  #fail

Oh and I could watch this forever too... (ABC)

The final date card is for another group date- this time there are only 5 of them, so it should be a little more intimate.  This date involves some acting/fake fighting/stunts, and I can't wait to see more guys getting physical!  Get ready for boot camp!  The guys get all dressed up in cowboy gear, and Des is loving it.  The guys get the chance to try out some cowboy skills and ride some horses to fight to become the Lone Ranger.  Juan Pablo does all his lines in Spanish (SEXY!), and Des is clearly keeping him around based on his hot hot hotness.  She chooses him for her Lone Ranger, and they get extra time together to preview The Lone Ranger (plug from ABC, anyone?).  Des is distracted by him, and I mean, who wouldn't be?  He screams sex and even though they have no future, she should definitely keep him around for some fun in the fantasy suite, if you know what I mean...


Later, Des realizes there are 4 other guys waiting for her, and she spends some more time with each of them.  I still love love love Bryden, even if he is a little reserved and shy to make the moves, they definitely have a connection and I want him to stick around for sure.  Zak also makes a connection with her tonight, and I do not know how she will narrow this down.  There are so many good guys that make her laugh!  James shows his loving/caring side, and Des is eating it up.  In fact, she gives him the rose because he opened up so much and she needs to reassure him that she wants him around.  You gotta play the insecure card every once and awhile!  And the other guys are devastated.

Instead of a cocktail party this week, Des decides to invite the guys to a daytime pool party.  Oh, did she just want to see everyone shirtless?? Amazing plan.  America thanks you, Des.  But before the party even starts, Ben whisks her away on a car ride for a little extra time.  This is a great strategy, but the guys see it as a "character flaw."  Okay, you are clearly all just jealous.  What angers them most is that he lies and tells them he didn't have any time with her yet.  How dare he lie to the other guys!  Please.  Thank you Ben for realizing "It's not called 'Let's Make Friends'."  Anyway, Brandon gets the chance to talk to Des about his emotional breakdown the other day, and essentially tells her he wants to "guard and protect her heart" a la Ali's Kasey, and I cannot deal with him. Too much too soon!

It's time for the rose ceremony, and I really hope she sends home the guys whose names I can't even remember.  And Brandon.  To my surprise, she keeps some randos around, and some not so-hotties, and I am over it.  The final rose of the night goes to Ben (shock!), and poor Brandon gets sent home.  After he told her he was falling in love with her?!  He is literally going to kill himself, and I am kind of scared for his life.  He tells her she is making a mistake and walks away, and Des goes after him to explain that she just isn't feeling it, and it needed to be sooner than later.  Agreed!  Get your shit together!  He can't even cry- he is out of tears.  Dear God.  Dan is also sent home, not a big deal since we didn't really know him. 

It looks like next week will bring more Ben drama, and apparently Bryden is going to be the one to bring it up- Nooooo!  That never ends well!  Hopefully Bryden won't shoot himself in the foot, and we will see what Des thinks about the whole thing.  Stay tuned for all the action!

Week 2 Recap: Watch Them Superman That Ho

Tonight is the first night of dates on The Bachelorette!  I cannot wait to see who she picks, who cries, and who makes a fool of himself.  I have a feeling the drama is already getting started!  The first date of the night is a one-on-one, and Chris Harrison explains to the men what that means, since clearly we don't know how the show works.  For the first date with Des, she chooses... in my opinion the ugliest guy in the house... Brooks.  Ugh. Maybe it's the long hair, but I am not feeling it.  Des is so excited and feels like a princess of course!  The other guys are so jealous and I am like geez guys, act more girly.  Oh well, let's see what Des has planned...

The more I look at Brooks, the less I dislike him.  I feel like with a good haircut, he could actually be pretty smokin.  Des takes him to a wedding dress boutique since it is what she loves, and they are just ready for the big day!  Brooks has to pretend he is having a good time watching her try on dresses, but once they get out and about and hit up the cupcake truck, people swarm them and they are both loving it.  They then take a drive up a mountain- still in the wedding dress/tux by the way (did she have to pay for that?  Because she is about to trash that dress), and they end up at the Hollywood sign! Jealous.  She tells him how most people don't get to do this, but luckily ABC hooked her up!  No of course she has a different explanation.  They have a romantic date on the Hollywood sign, and it is so symbolic of sitting on the top of the world!  Why does literally everything they do on these shows have to be symbolic of something?  Why can't it just be a cool experience?  Brooks shows off his sensitive and romantic side, and I guess I like him... he actually is pretty perfect for Des- they both love love!  They kiss on top of the sign- super cute- and okay I think he will go pretty far. Just please cut the hair!!!  Later, after they have changed back into normal clothes, Des drives them up to a closed road and omg- she suggests that they move the signs and drive onto the bridge anyway!  Oh no, what will happen!?  A dinner for 2 on a closed bridge. I have definitely seen this on a Bachelor (maybe Bachelor Pad) episode before- think of something new, please.  They have a serious talk about their parents and things get emotional- they are connecting on such a deep level!  p.s. Is it just me, or does Des look like she is going to cry 100% of the time?  Why are her eyes so watery?  Anyway, he gets the rose and I feel like this is actually the perfect guy for her. The end.  And wait, just when you think the date is over, it keeps going with a private concert by Andy Grammer. WTF Bachelorette, please save SOMETHING for the other guys!  This is getting insane.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the 2nd date card arrives and we remember that there are still 18 guys waiting for dates.  Oh, them.  The group date is going to be at a winery/mansion (jealous) and there are 14 of them for Des to "juggle."  Today they get to star in their own rap video!  Oh lord. She brings out Soulja Boy, and I have flashbacks to my 4th year of college.  The guys are all going to Superman that Ho!  But really, this is going to be atrocious, and I cannot wait.  They all try out some rhymes and some dance moves, and Soulja Boy picks his favorites to star with him, while the rest dance.  We soon discover that the lyrics all have to do with past contestants who weren't there "for the right reasons," and I cannot wait to see this.  Guarding and protecting her heart? YES.  Brandon gets to act as Kasey (from Ali's season, for those who don't know) and "jiggle his junk" in Des's face.  The scene takes forever, Brandon's butt keeps hanging out, and Des looks super uncomfortable.  Overall this is the worst video ever made, and I feel like Soulja Boy needs to reevaluate his life after being a part of that shitshow. Embarrassing. 

Please no more. (ABC)

Finally the awkwardness is over and I can climb back out from under my blanket.  Des is excited to talk to all the "marriage-material" guys.  First, we get to see Zak W. (shirtless guy) have a real heart and emotions, and Des loves the thoughtful antique journal he gives her.  Is she a writer?  Like is there a symbol there? (You know everything needs to be symbolic!).  Next, we see Ben swooping in to take Des away, and all the guys are already claiming that he is NOT here for the right reasons.  But wait, he just performed a rap that proved that he IS. What am I supposed to think?!?  I still really like Ben, and he hasn't done anything yet to anger me-  the guys are just jealous!  In other news, Brandon is already starting to get super clingy and weird, and I am over him already.  I think it was appropriate that he played Kasey's part in the rap, because he is becoming just like him.  He's obsessing over her and definitely trying too hard and opening up way too fast, and I sense that Des is overwhelmed and not feeling it, but she's too nice and always finds the good in everything. No. This is too much!  At the end of the night, Ben gets the rose, and the guys are freaking.  I still don't get what the problem is, but I guess it will all come out eventually?

Bryden gets the last date of the night, and I am excited to get to know him better, since he was one of my top choices last week.  Des has planned a road trip in her Bentley, and thank goodness because they both love road trips!  How do you have a road trip, you may ask?  All you need is a car, some gas, and great company!  Thanks, Des.  Des explains everything there is to know about California, which of course is symbolic for her whole life!  She loves that he knows nothing about the world outside of Montana (and Iraq, I guess), and they have such a lovely time exploring.  Des, this is not even close to Brooks' date.  What the heck. Clearly ABC did not deem Bryden worthy of the same treatment.  Des feels like a kid again when she is with him, but I feel like he is going to have trouble opening up emotionally. He does go into detail about a big car accident he was in, and even brought pictures to share.  This guy has been through a ridiculous amount of rough stuff, and I like him, but I do still feel like he is going to have a hard time being as emotionally open as she wants/needs.  I just don't see the spark that I see with Brooks and Ben.  He does get the rose, and he also gets some hot tub time with Des, where we have the most uncomfortable "is he gonna kiss her??" moment of our lives.  As I am screaming at the TV covering my face, Des finally tells him to just kiss her already, and pounces on him.  Thank god someone did it.  SO awkward I almost died.  So happy that is over.

Finally it is time for the cocktail party and rose ceremony.  There are a bunch of guys I don't even remember, so I guess we should spend some time with them, right?  This rando Michael G. (okay, HE is the ugliest in the house) shares his story about having diabetes (is that really the best way to win her heart?), but Ben steals her away again!  But he already HAS a rose!  This guy.  Okay, maybe he is starting to show that he is full of it, but maybe the other guys should learn how this show works!  Instead of bitching about it like a bunch of girls, maybe they should do something for themselves!  Just saying.  A bunch of the guys confront Ben, because they know that he just doesn't get it, and he's being a liar.  Apparently he never talks about his son, only about his businesses, and they need Des to see the truth!  This confrontation is getting ridiculous- just grow some balls and move on.

Des is ready for the rose ceremony, and I feel like she is just too nice to send people home.  But here we go... A bunch of guys I don't even remember get roses, and I wish she would narrow it down faster.  Brandon gets the final rose- good thing too, or he may have killed himself right then and there.  Looks like she is sending home 3 guys- Will the high-fiver, Robert who is super cute by the way, and Nick M. who I don't remember in the slightest.  See ya!  Down to 16 guys, and guess what?  More confrontations with Ben next week!  Oh, and that whole girlfriend drama will come out.  Can't wait!

P.S. If you want to watch the worst video of your life, check out the guys' Soulja Boy music video and try to keep your eyes open for the whole thing. Oh and by the way, looks like they cut out Brandon's part.. too inappropriate?