Monday, May 27, 2013

Week 1 Recap: #fantasysuitefail

It's finally time for The Bachelorette, and I am sure this season will be drama-filled and overall amazing.  Previews show that these men are going to be even bitchier than the women on The Bachelor, and I love it.  Hot men getting all fired up!?  Fist fights?! This will definitely be one to watch. 

We first see Des in Malibu, CA, and it is just like a fairy tale!  During this season, she gets to live in an incredible mansion, and this is just proof that if you work hard (or... whore yourself out on tv), you can really move up in the world!  She grew up poor, but now she can live lavishly and that's what matters, right??  Well we get to relive the harsh night of rejection on Sean's season, and all those devastating emotions come back. Oh Des, you know you're going to have to do that to all (or almost all) of these guys, right?  Back to Malibu, we find out that not only does Des get this insane house to herself (why does she need that whole pool for just her?), but she also gets to drive some sick car (a Bentley?) around town.  The perks of being the Bachelorette just keep getting greater and greater!  Then again, she also has to roller skate down a boardwalk alone in a bikini top and look super uncomfortable, so I'm not sure it's worth it...  Regardless, Des is "ready to put a ring on it," so let's get to the GUYS!

Des wants a "man," not a boy, so it is time to weed them out.  But before we do, Des has to turn on the waterworks yet again. We get it, you love love and you want to find your prince.  Now get out there and meet the hotties!

Des and BFF Chris Harrison are ready for this fairy tale! (ABC)

Bryden is first to be introduced- he is an Iraq war veteran, which makes me love him so much, of course.  Plus he lives out West, plus he has a dog that he loves.  I think he will have something wrong mentally/emotionally that will keep him and Des apart, but I still love him!  Next comes Will, who is fun but I feel will come on a little too strong... yeah.  Please don't high five every stranger you meet.  Drew is super cute, and of course has a depressing life story that will help him have an emotional connection with Des. Enough sob stories, you are hot.  Nick R. is a total douche and oh by the way, a professional magician.  NOPE.  Next.  Zak apparently loves hanging out in the nude, which is fine by me!  But Des will not be into that, in my opinion.  Next comes Robert who apparently invented "sign spinning."  Is that something you can invent?  Good thing you are hot and have a cute dog (with one eye that you probably rescued), because you are a nerd.  But in an adorable way, and I think Des will love it.  Mike the dental student is from a British family, but lacks an accent, and at least he realizes that he would be hotter with an accent.  Way to go, Mike.  Get that accent back please.  Brandon the adrenaline junky is like my worst nightmare, as he loves being outside all day long.  Kill me.  Maybe Des will like that?  He too has a sob story about his loser parents, and I am sure Des will connect to his rough childhood and keep him around for a while.

The men are finally headed to the house, and Des is so excited!  She does look beautiful, and mentions one more time about her fairy tale coming true.  We get it.  Drew is first out, and he looks super hot, and is also nervous and adorable. Yes, please!  Next out is Brooks, who has long hair and horse teeth, and is nervous in a not-cute way.  No thanks.  Brad from Denver is next, and he brings a wishbone for the 2 of them.  Cute!  Keep him.  Bryden the war vet is up, and they seem to make a decent connection.  Next is Michael G., who takes Des for a walk to the fountain to dig out her penny. Okay, that's cute.  But he's not my type... The next limo brings Kasey who admits that he stalked her on social media and gives her some hashtags- I guess that's sweet?  Will is next, who decides to nickname her Athena, which is nice?  But kind of weird and too much for a first meeting I feel.  Next up is Mikey, who brings up her older brother... uhhhh too soon. You blew it with that.  Jonathan is next, and at first glance he is adorable, but he gives her a note that could be cute, but instead has a key to the "fantasy suite."  Okay, YOU blew it.  She's not that kind of girl!  Yikes.  A shirtless Zak emerges from the limo next (remember, he loves to be naked!).  He asks her to accept his abs, and everyone woman in America says YES.  James is next out of the limo, and you can tell immediately she is NOT feeling it.  He seems awkward and odd and is not very attractive. Goodbye.  What's with all these unattractive weirdos??  Larry is next and he tries to dance with her, but when she gets twisted up in her dress, things get weird.  The magician is up, and does a magic trick, ugh, and we all throw up.  The other Zack comes out, is kind of cute, but not her type, I think.  And then, the knight in shining armor emerges. Diogo is here just like a fairy tale!  Not sure he speaks English, and he is NOT cute, and I'm like, what are the producers doing?!?  Meanwhile, the guys in the house are NOT okay with all these crazies, and I'm like, guys, you have no idea what is to come on this show.

Is that all 25 yet?  I always forget how overwhelming the first night is.  Ugh, apparently we still have 10 more to go.  Next limo.  Chris is hot, plus he joke almost proposes to her, which I love.  Mike the "British" guido dental student appears in his lab coat, acting like he is a real doctor.  Okay.  Robert is super hot yet again, and I'm wondering why he didn't come out spinning a sign?!  Next up is Juan Pablo who is super good looking, but doesn't seem to speak English too well?  Or maybe Des just can't speak Spanish. Not sure about this one, but she'll keep him because he is super sexy.  Next, Brandon arrives on a motorcycle. Hot. She is digging that for sure.  The final limo arrives and we get Brian who wanted to look casual tonight, um, no thanks.  Then Micah, who is wearing...? Something? I guess he designed his outfit himself? Funny...  The other Nick arrives and shares a lovely little poem he wrote by himself.  How sweet.  He's cute, I approve.  Dan emerges next, and he is hot but possibly gay?  Finally, an adorable little child comes out of the limo.  Oh, Ben.  This is the BEST card to play.  His precious son. They are matching and are both so flippin' cute I can't handle it.  I love this guy, just hope she can handle that he has a kid.  Phew, we are done!  Am I the only one who is overwhelmed?  Let's get to the cocktail party.

Chris lets Des know that she can pull a Sean and give away roses whenever she wants.  Ugh, that is annoying.  Can we go back to the old way please?  Sean ruined everything. But I kind of wish she would just give out the roses right away- I know exactly which 6 I would send home right now... There's a couple weirdos in there for sure.  Speaking of which, the magician decides to perform an illusion by making Des disappear for 5 minutes.  Funny.  Brandon swoops in real quick and steals her away and the guys are already starting to get pissy and jealous!  He is super sweet and sentimental and I like him.  After talking to a lot of the guys, she still hasn't passed out any roses and the guys are freaking about it.  Why isn't she being liberal with the roses like Sean?!?  Thank goodness.  Des spends some time with Ben, the dad, and they have a great connection, and he gets a rose!  So exciting. The other men, of course, freak.  They are more petty than the women!  The competition is heating up... wait, isn't this about finding love, not winning?

Des loves how hard the guys are trying to get her attention, and shirtless Zak decides the best way to do that is to strip down even further and jump in the pool.  #streaking!  Poor Zak, as he is still in the pool, someone steals Des away, but she feels so bad that he was so pathetic in jumping into the pool, that she gives him a rose.  He earned it, I guess?  Bryden the army guy gets some good time with her, and gets a rose, but I am wondering how he has so much leave saved up that he can be here if he is still in the military??  My husband doesn't get that kind of leave!  Next, Des talks to Juan Pablo, and by that I mean she just drools at his gorgeous looks and soccer skills.  Is soccer what determines a happy future together? I guess so.  Later, Drew gets a rose- cute!  So far I am happy with most of her choices.  And now Jonathan.  Ohhhh my.  He decides to make his fantasy suite to lure her in, trying to get a kiss on the mouth, and even the other guys know this is creepy.  He tells Des that he has no filter, which makes him better than her last boyfriend, Sean.  This guy is too much and Des is clearly uncomfortable.  Apparently his "love tank" is about to explode, and Des is not okay with him and this whole fantasy suite thing.  #fantasysuitefail (Kasey is cracking me up).  Des finally can't take it anymore and sends him home on the spot- hopefully he will go find someone and get laid real quick.  He needs it.

Finally we are on to the rose ceremony, and we can only hope she gets rid of the uglies and lame-os.  She picks some good ones, but then Brooks gets a rose, ew, and Juan Pablo (shock!) even though I don't think they exchanged 3 words.  Kasey gets a rose- #winning and as it nears the end, the guys are looking nervous!  It looks like she's only keeping the hotties, which is a good strategy of course, and we are not sad to see the weirdos go.  Goodbye knight, dental student guido, and creeper Larry.  Though I am scared that Larry will go make a voodoo doll of Des to dance with and then come back and kill someone.  Thankfully the magician goes home as well, and we are all hoping that he will rethink his life choices now... 

Well, we have our top 19!  There are definitely some good ones in there, and so far I think my top choices are Ben, Drew, Bryden, and Robert.  But we'll see what happens once things heat up and we get to know them a little better... Well, it appears that shit is going to get real this season, and it looks like just about everyone is going to cry on camera at some point or another.  It seems that Des's "fairy tale" will have some bumps in the road- girlfriend scandals, betrayals, fist fights, but of course some love!  Unfortunately it looks like Ben is going to turn out to be a jerk (boo) as will James (who?), but you know how the producers love to spin this stuff!  So stay tuned to find out which hotties stick around, and whose abs we get to see next week! 

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