Season Finale Recap: Spoiler Alert- Nothing Shocking Happens

It's finally here!  The season finale event unlike anything we have EVER seen before.  Who will Chris chose??  The woman who would give up everything and everyone she's ever loved to marry Chris, or the one who's like, eh, maybe I'll move to Iowa, we'll see.  Knowing who Chris CLEARLY prefers, I know who my money's on! (In case you don't watch, it's Virgin Becca).  Luckily, Chris is back in Iowa (perfect place to fall in love!) and Chris' family is there to screen these ladies.  Side note:  Chris really couldn't stay away from Iowa for ONE more week?  Come on, give these girls another week in the tropics.  Where is the big final rose ceremony going to take place?  In front of a tractor?  So romantic.  This is reason enough for either girl to say Hell No.

So we start the episode with Whitney meeting Chris's family, and in case you all didn't know- Whitney loves Chris SO much and she is SO happy to be there and she is SO excited for this day and she cannot wait to be part of the family and she feels SO amazing about everything YAY.  If I was one of these sisters, I would steer Chris in the other direction- you think they want to spend all their future holidays with someone who never. stops. talking.  In that voice.  I can't even handle it for an hour through the TV.  But apparently they love her...  For now.  The whole family clearly loves her and loves how heartfelt she is (okay, I guess it is kind of nice), but we can tell that Chris isn't so sure.

Apparently Chris is torn because he has a better chemistry with Becca.  And I'm like... but how do you REALLY know that since, you know, you never really got to make your chemistry happen, if you know what I mean... Maybe you should reconsider throwing away a sure thing for someone who hasn't even, you know, been with you yet...  Just saying.  I'm pretty sure the brother-in-law is the wisest of them all when he assesses that Chris is being a typical guy who wants what he can't have.  Whitney is TOO easy to get and Becca is like this elusive ideal woman that he wants to conquer.  And like most guys, we can assume he will pick the one playing hard-to-get.

Now that the family has pretty much already made up their minds about Whitney, it's time for them to meet Becca!  Becca is actually making a great impression at first, but then she is honest with the sisters and says that she's not ready to move to Iowa and marry Chris until she is sure.  Why can't they just date for a while (long distance) until she is ready?  (In real life, this makes perfect sense.  Why should she pick up and move her life after non-exclusively dating for 2 months?).  But doesn't she know this is The Bachelor???  This show is only a success if it ends in an engagement!  Hopefully Chris can change her mind so they can get engaged and all the viewers will be happy.  Don't they know that it's all about us, after all?  Momma Bear has a heart-to-heart with Becca and explains to her that she actually DOES love Chris.  Has anyone else considered that since she has never been in love before (or, ahem, made love before), she is just inexperienced on this front and has no idea what to do?  Figure your shit out, Becca!  And do it in the next 2 days!

Chris gets one last date with each lady, starting with Becca.  Time to relax, enjoy her company, and hit her with the hard questions!  Becca tells Chris that she can't make any promises about when she would be ready to move, and Chris is still concerned.  Becca has no idea what she wants and when she wants it, yet Chris still can't give up.  Dear Chris, this chick clearly has no clue what she wants, so maybe you are barking up the wrong tree.  As your dad would tell you, go with the sure thing.  After what feels like hours of a tortured conversation, Becca finally admits that she is just worried about moving to Iowa.  Shock.  You couldn't have just admitted that at the beginning and not wasted everyone's time?  Chris leaves the conversation feeling awesome because it turns out that Becca does want him!  But, she doesn't want to live with him...  So, maybe tone back your excitement there, Chris. 

Time for one last date with Whitney, and Chris takes her to... his farm!  The place he loves the most, doing the thing he loves the most- harvesting corn.  But really, why do they want to marry this guy again?  Whitney is SO happy to be farming with Chris.  This is amazing!  This snow-covered farmland is just gorgeous.  Wow.  Amazing.  Next, they visit his house, and Whitney is ready to move in.  She is 100% ready to live here and have babies and farm for the rest of her life.  Which is going to make it that much more crushing when she finds out she's about to lose to someone who only kind of likes him.  Poor girl, she will fall into such an amazing state of depression. 

So, there are 30 minutes left of the episode, and Chris still has no clue what he is going to do.  He is picking out a ring, without even knowing who he will give it to (or IF he will give it to anyone)...  He arrives at the final rose ceremony location, aka a barn.  Outdoors.  In 20 degree windy weather.  The producers desperately tried to dress it up to make it look decent, but seriously, THIS is the proposal someone gets?  No thanks. I'll take a tropical island proposal.  And can we talk about how Chris actually has not made up his mind yet?  The girls are ARRIVING and he still doesn't know what he is going to do.  Well this bodes well for their future together.  Finally one of the limos is about to arrive with the girl who is going to be sent home, and that girl is... Becca?!?  Whattttt???  I am actually really shocked- how could I get this one so wrong???  Chris starts talking to her and it really sounds like he is about to propose... but isn't he supposed to be breaking up with her?  He tells her how much he wants to marry her, but... she's not ready.  So.  There it is.  Becca clearly isn't all that heartbroken and is taking this really well.  It's just like friends saying goodbye.  NBD.  It's been real.  Maybe because, oh I don't know, she didn't really feel that strongly for him in the first place?  No really, she's not even crying.  I can't stop thinking, what does she think being in love really feels like, and how does she have NO clue if she's feeling that or not?  I just can't even with her.  BTW, for anyone that's keeping track, Chris is standing in front of a tractor as her limo pulls away.  So, I was pretty close in my prediction.

So, considering that Chris Harrison promised this would be an episode unlike anything we've ever seen before, this is pretty run-of-the-mill so far.  Whitney's limo pulls up and we can't wait to see what shocking situation awaits!  Whitney is literally more nervous than anyone I've ever seen on a finale episode (or maybe she's just freezing), but that doesn't stop her from spouting out another 5 minute monologue about her love.  Finally she lets Chris get a word in long enough for him to tell her that he loves her, and even for him to propose!  Whitney's dream of being a housewife for the rest of her life is finally coming true!  And Chris's dream of having someone who will always do all the talking for him is finally coming true!  Have fun isolated on a farm, just the two of you, for the rest of your lives!

In other news, how was this episode ANY different than every other finale episode we have ever seen?  False advertising, ABC.  I'm disappointed.  Oh and don't worry, we still have another hour of huge surprises the same thing we see every season.  First we talk to Becca, who finally admits to us that maybe she should never have come on the show in the first place since she doesn't even know what love is.. DUH.  Huge shocker.  We then find out that Whitney and Chris are still really happy together, and apparently Whitney hasn't watched the show at all, maybe because she doesn't enjoy the sound of her own voice?  Or I guess she probably doesn't want to see how many girls he boned while they were together. 

Now for the big shocker of the night... Jimmy Kimmel is here!!! Oh wait, not a surprise.  But I will say, this is by far the highlight of the night and actually amazing to watch him just say every awkward thing we are all thinking.  Jimmy brings them a gift of a cow named Juan Pablo (does anyone else catch Chris Harrison say, "iiit's okaaay"???) and I am literally dying.  This makes every boring moment of the night worth it. 

Finally it is time for the real huge shocker of the night- the Bachelorette reveal! Okay, I won't lie, this actually is kind of shocking.  Are they freaking kidding me that we are going to have 2 Bachelorettes? This is the worst idea ABC has ever had.  Britt will be a horrible Bachelorette, so the idea of having her "competing" with Kaitlyn is completely dumb.  Literally nobody knows how this is going to work and neither girl is excited about it (neither are any of us), and this officially ruins the night. As Kaitlyn put it, this is "not ideal."  This is already the most awkward and uncomfortable situation I have ever seen on any Bachelor show (and that is saying a lot), and I feel like this just killed everything.  I think I'll just skip to Bachelor in Paradise, thanks!  Hope everyone enjoyed survived this season as much as I did... until the next one!

Women Tell All Recap: I Thought We Were All Friends!

Tonight looks like it will be prove to be the most dramatic Women Tell All ever (or so ABC has been hyping it). But I won't lie, these women are so freaking crazy and emotional, that this will definitely be nuts. PLUS, Chris is probably the LEAST articulate Bachelor ever (maybe even worse than Juan Pablo- at least he had a language excuse), so his attempts to bring any of the girls closure should be pretty entertaining.  Here's some highlights, in case you missed a minute!

Britt confronts Carly about her lack of friendship: "Why did you pretend to be my best friend, Carly???  We listened to music together!"  Chris Harrison decides that he cannot handle simple in-seat bickering so he just goes ahead and invites Britt up to the couch with him.  Let's do this, Britt!  Why did everyone act so nice and like they were friends in the house and then talk bad about her??? Cue a TON of side yelling and bickering and Jillian attacking Carly for being insecure and mean. Hey now, do NOT knock Carly. She is like my imaginary bestie.  In other news, Chris Harrison has to whistle at Jillian when she gets "a little jacked up" and we all die of joy a little bit.  Carly has a chance to clarify everything she said and told Chris, which according to Britt was all based on hate and taking things out of context.  The girls were demonizing her and she would still be on the show if not for Carly!  After 20 minutes of painful yelling, Chris H. finally says agree to disagree, and all of our lives go on.  In other news, for such a pretty girl, Britt is quite an ugly crier.  And a pretty good actress.

Kelsey confronts the "Black Widow" claims: Well, it only takes 12 seconds for her to bring up her husband dying and how she feels like she is grieving all over again.  But really.  How sickening that she just compared her husband's death to being eliminated from a reality show. Wow.  Apparently all Kelsey wants is to be accepted by these women.  She does not feel like she is better than them, okay?  (This is a very well-rehearsed speech, BTW).  Finally the ladies get to attack her, and Megan says the most coherent thing she's said all season- that if Kelsey is still grieving, why did she come on a game show?  But really.  Juelia (who also lost her husband) feels totally insulted that Kelsey used this story as a game ploy, and we are ALL in agreement with the other ladies.  Kelsey asks for forgiveness and Ashley I. pretty much laughs at her face, and I seriously am obsessed with Ashley's expressive faces.  Can't get enough of these reactions! The moral of the story is, Kelsey is effing crazy, lost a loved one, handled herself poorly on TV, and is someone that I would NEVER want to encounter in real life.  Talk about obnoxious.  Finally we move on, and not a moment too soon.

Ashley Onion explains herself:  Chris Harrison calls her one of his favorite women ever, and she brings him an onion (that she apparently has now started growing on her own).  I was really hoping that Ashley would turn out to be totally normal, but either she really is effing NUTS, or she is putting on some kind of impressive act.  After some bizarre conversation and rambling, Chris H. invites her to be on Bachelor in Paradise, and I DIE.  PLEASE.  That would be the best thing to happen to that show since Clare.  Times a million.  Man I would love to see that, as would the rest of the world. 

Jade discusses the X-Rated secret: Apparently Chris has been talking crap on his blog, because he's sharing his thoughts about Jade with the world, rather than with Jade.  Which... yeah, is messed up.  As we could all guess, Chris was uneasy about how "wild" her family said she was, and I'm sure the photos didn't help.  Other than that, the interview was, shock, boring, and nothing new was learned.  Next.

Kaitlyn rips Chris a new one: So, apparently Chris completely led her on and made her feel 100% confident that she would be getting a rose that day.  But I mean, duh, Chris is so nice and can't make up his mind, so it doesn't surprise me that he acted that way.  She admits to being blindsided and says she is still heartbroken, and she actually seems really genuine about it.  Kaitlyn calls Chris out on his stumbling around on his words instead of explaining to her why he had sent her home.  And Chris responds by... stumbling around on his words and... uh... explaining how hard it was?  She confronts him for making her stand through the rose ceremony instead of giving her the courtesy to have a private chat like he gave to Becca.  Seriously!  Chris tries to articulate some kind of answer, but all he knows is that he, uh... in that instance... uh, did the best he could.  But really, why do all these women want to be with him?  He can't even formulate a coherent thought.  They must be really desperate for some farmer lovin'.  Move on Kaitlyn, you can do better!

Chris talks Britt & Jade off the ledge: Can we talk about how Britt starts crying the second Chris walks out there?  Stop.  Give me a break and get over it.  She gives him like a 5 minute hug and holds his hand, and explains that it was all Carly's fault, but it's all good now.  Is she still vying for his heart?  The show is over, Britt.  She gushes to Chris about how wonderful he is, and Chris H. ushers her back to her seat.  That's enough, Britt.  Jade also needs to come up to the couch to talk, and Chris looks beyond uncomfortable.  Jade is upset that Chris called the Playboy situation "awkward" (and it was.), and he explains that, sorry, it was, and that's how I felt.  Sorry.  Move on.  Man, if only she didn't have such a wild side, I feel like she could have been the one!  Oh well.

The Big Excitement: You know this is a lame season of contestants when the "big announcement" tonight is that Chris Harrison wrote a book that is coming out in May!  (Is it bad that I totally want to read it?)  PLUS, we get scenes from next week's big finale, coming to us from... Iowa!  Can't wait to see the CRAZY ending that we would never expect in a million years!  Until then...