Week 7 Recap Part 1: "Don't Google My Wife!"

So this week we have FIVE hours of Bachelor to get through enjoy, starting with a whole hour of (totally unnecessary) interviews.  Lucky for me (and all of us, really), I've got a glass of wine in hand!  Chris Harrison starts us off with an "exclusive" interview with Kelsey, who is going to explain herself for being hated by all the other girls (FYI she is allegedly skipping the Women Tell All special, which would explain the interview).  Kelsey reminds us all of how smart she is and uses a plethora of big words, while also reminding us that she is so delusional that she will never admit to being a conniving person.  Overall, this is a waste of time, as we learn nothing new and our minds do not change.  Next, Chris Harrison sits down with Chris to discuss his inability to understand women.  We find out that Ashley S. was actually a million times crazier than we even got to see on tv, even though apparently all of her auditions were incredibly normal.  Maybe we'll get some kind of explanation for that on Women Tell All...  Chris and Chris reminisce about all the awkward moments so far this season, and again, we really learn nothing new (except for an amazing runaway donkey chase which literally made me laugh out loud).

To wrap up the interviews, Chris Harrison sits down with Andi for an interview that breaks my heart!  I LOVED Andi and Josh and I was devastated by their breakup news.  Andi is clearly very emotional as she tries to fight back tears while answering Chris's prying questions.  Apparently they really loved each other, but weren't supporting/empowering each other enough, so it didn't work out.  I feel like this is fair- sometimes relationships don't work- but I am still very sad for her!!  Her first true heartbreak!  Chris offers her some counseling and assures her that she isn't a failure, but, maybe next time she shouldn't fall for a guy that's exactly like every one of her exes.  (In related news, I do NOT think she should be the next Bachelorette AGAIN.  Even though there are NO good prospects out of the remaining girls this season.  AKA give us Michelle Money!! Okay rant over).

Finally we get back to the real show!  We start back in Deadwood where the girls are still celebrating the 2-on-1 double dump.  We jump right into another elimination where Chris lets Megan go home before the rose ceremony even starts, and we are all shocked. Oh wait, not surprised at all.  Apparently he felt a really strong connection to her though...?  Did he even ever have a conversation with her?  Because, yikes.  The real surprise comes when Chris H. announces that ANOTHER girl will be going home tonight. Dang, these producers are really trying to speed this season along!  Lucky for the remaining 6 girls, Chris decides that he's going rogue and he's keeping them all.  But wait, there's more... they are all going to... IOWA!!!  This excitement is so fake I cannot even take it.  Nobody is this happy about visiting Iowa.  Sorry.  (For those keeping track, they have STILL not left the country).

The girls get to Iowa and they cannot believe how beautiful it is there!!!  Okay.  I guess their hotel is in a city a few hours away, because Arlington is a whole lot of nothing.  No really, like, 400 people nothing.  Jade gets the first one-on-one date, and is heading to Chris's house to see what her future may hold...  And meanwhile, Britt is SUPER jealous because she really needs to see his house.  She reallyyyy needs to see this place where she might have to get to live for the rest of her life.  Oh Britt, I am sure you'll get your chance to reevaluate your entire relationship!  Already, Jade is admitting to us that she is not "in the clouds" about small town life.  She gets to hang out at his BALLER house (yes, he's like Iowan royalty), but I'm not sure if this is enough reason for her to want to live here...  Chris takes Jade "downtown" and shows her the 3 open businesses.  Yeah.  No bars, no restaurants, no people.  Chris is actually like embarrassed to show her around and all I can think is that NONE of these women are going to want this life.  Whose genius idea was it to make him The Bachelor???  This is NOT going to end in success, just throwing that out there.

Later on, Chris takes Jade to a high school football game and admits some things from his rebel past, and wonders why she is such a good girl.  Little does he know, she's got some nudey pics in her past!!  She decides that sitting in an English classroom is not the best time to reveal the truth, so, maybe later.  Once he's given her a rose and meets her family.  After this amazing high school football game, Jade decides that it IS a great place to live, and that she is falling in love with Chris.  Oh I am sure this is going to all work out now!

For the next date, Chris takes Whitney to Des Moines to take some photos, and, SHOCK- Whitney is SO happy and SO excited and thinks this is the greatest date ever!!!  Whitney is really loving Iowa and thinks this is a great place to live.  Yeah, because you are in the state capitol, not Arlington...  And am I the only person who just cannot stand Whitney?  Is it because she's too cheerful?  Is it her accent/voice?  Is it her naivete?  All of the above?  I don't know, I'm just over her, but I think Chris is really into her, so I guess she'll be around for a while longer... At least she's not super boring like Jade and Becca...  Anyway, later on at dinner, three of Chris's BFFs happen to stop by, and Whitney is SO EXCITED!!!  OMG give me a hug, this is amazing!!!  I actually do think that Whitney would be happy living in Iowa, but I am pretty sure that she would drive Chris absolutely insane within 2 weeks of living together.  She spends the rest of the date sharing sad stories in a positive light and staying cheerful ALL the time.  Can she try to not be positive for like, a minute?  There is no way she will be able to keep this up for the rest of her life, and I think it's important that Chris sees all sides of her before he makes any decisions...

Meanwhile, the other 4 girls decide that today is a great day to road trip to Arlington to check out their potential future.  I mean, it's probably a smart thing to do.  Once they arrive and drive through the entire town in about 2 minutes, they start to question what the Hell they have gotten themselves into.  Carly and Becca seem kind of okay with it (as long as they start popping out babies ASAP and raise them in the church), but Britt and Kaitlyn... not so sure.  Plus, apparently Britt even tells them that she cannot picture herself living there (until the sunset revelation on the way home that totally changed her mind).  In other news, I actually love Carly and all of her insults of Britt's fakeness.  She is actually the biggest shit-talker but I can't get enough.  I know she won't win, but I want her to stick around solely for her commentary.

The next date this week is a group date with Carly, Britt, and Katelyn. But before they leave for the date, Jade decides that she has to tell someone her secret, and she chooses Carly to share it with- hah!  The big secret that we already know, is that Jade did nude pics for Playboy!  Wow!  Carly of course has the best reaction and knows that Chris probably won't be too stoked about this... As Carly points out, "Hey Mom, don't Google my wife."  But when will Jade actually tell Chris?!? 

For the group date, they all go ice skating and Chris has his fair share of wipe-outs.  Britt then takes Chris away to tell him all about how much she looooved Arlington and the sunset and how much she would totally want to live there.  And Carly and Kaitlyn know she's full of shit, so we'll see if anyone calls her out...  Carly decides to do the right thing, because she knows that if Britt wins, it won't work out.  She tells Chris everything and warns him to be careful, and as always, I worry about the messenger.  But Chris says he will question Britt again, so we'll see how this plays out...  So Chris brings it up later on, and Britt insists that she wants his lifestyle and wants to be a mom more than anything.  Is she serious?  Does she even know what she wants?  The other girls think that Chris will see right through her, but, uhh, have you seen how hot she is??  So, no, he believes everything she says.  In an interesting twist of events, Chris gives the date rose to Kaitlyn, meaning he is definitely going to her hometown.  SO WHO IS GOING HOME THIS WEEK???  And how is everything going to get wrapped up in the next 15 minutes???

Once Kaitlyn comes back with the rose, shit gets uncomfortable.  Britt loses it and freaks out at Chris in front of the other girls.  She is ONLY okay if she is #1.  She cannot be seen as #2 or 3 or 4 and she basically threatens to leave.  In front of the others!  Chris once again decides to peace out of an awkward situation and leaves them all to process.  Britt explains that she doesn't want to bring a guy home if she isn't his top choice, and Carly is like, HELLO- I am the one who has to worry here!  All the other girls realize that she has totally blown it since she made herself look crazy and selfish and they expect her to just leave.

Well, we won't get to find out anything until tomorrow night (is anyone else getting really tired of these episodes not ending with the rose ceremony like they are supposed to?), and the big question is, who will get the 4th spot???  The previews make it clear that Kaitlyn, Jade, and Becca all get hometowns, but who will be the 4th???  My guess at this point is Whitney, since Carly even knows she won't last (and seems okay with that), and Britt most likely is leaving.  But we won't know for sure until tomorrow!  Stay tuned to find out all the drama and excitement!  Until then...