Week 5 Recap: A Big Comparison Game of Sad Stories!

Well, well, well, apparently tonight's episode is going to be "out of control," and Kelsey will show her true psycho-crazy-bitch colors.  Should be exciting!  We start off in Sante Fe, NM, which Chris thinks may just be "the perfect place to fall in love," which I have never heard before!  What a concept.  Apparently the dumbass girls think they are headed "out of the country" "to the beach" and I cry a little bit inside- did all of your social studies teachers fail you!?! Sad.

The first one-on-one date goes to Carly, and the card says "Let's come together..."  Which is very interesting considering what the previews make it seem like is going to happen on this date... Ahem, ahem.  It appears that they will be meditating with a love guru who has the secrets of intimacy... I mean, what are they hinting at?? For real.  By the way, this is totally freaking weird, and kind of reminds me of preparing for labor.  Like, Chris is sitting in a perfect birthing position.  Next, they are going to take each other's clothes off (on a first date, btw), in front of this crazy sex guru lady, and this is seriously so effing awkward.  Thank GOD they finally stop before getting naked, and now that they have been through this insanely awkward day, they are much closer.  Yeah.  Okay.  I am literally screaming at my television set trying to make it stop.  This is the most uncomfortable I have EVER been while watching The Bachelor.  And that is saying a lot.  Please stop this.  PLEASE.

Unfortunately the date does not end there, and they show another 10+ minutes of them spilling their guts and sharing their emotions to each other.  I mean, I like Carly, but this is so. boring.  Chris makes her feel beautiful and gives her a rose and I'm like, please get this date out of here!!!

Finally we move on to the group date, where the rest of the girls (minus Britt- she gets the solo date!) are going white water rafting.  But yikes, there are some risks, like, alligators in the river!  Right, Megan?  (Did she at least realize they weren't at a foreign beach yet?)  In case we haven't realized yet, I think Chris is into outdoor activities.  The danger is apparently real, as Jade goes overboard and apparently has a disorder that requires Chris to rub her body parts so that she doesn't die.  And Kelsey and Mackenzie are both jealous- why can't I have a life-threatening problem that gets me more attention?!?  Gosh.

So, first huge shocker of the night- as Chris is going to the party at the hotel- Jordan shows up!  Remember Jordan?  The drunken waste-case who went home like 3 weeks ago???  She's back for a second chance, now that she has sobered up, and apparently Chris is so nice that he is going to give her some time to meet the real her.  No surprise, these girls are PISSED, especially Ashley.  Doesn't he know they are so different- Jordan is a party girl.  Ashley is a virgin.  (In case you didn't know).  Different.  In other news, Chris is about to send a clear message that if he eliminates someone, she can just meet up with them a few weeks later and get back into the competition.  Great precedent to set!  Meanwhile, the only thing any of the girls want to talk to him about is Jordan and her drinking.  We get it.  Well, Chris decides to send her back home after all, and this whole event has turned into quite an uneventful letdown.  The rose goes to Whitney (who he really likes, God knows why?) and the other desperate girls are feeling pretty bummed.  Or down right pissed.  Ashley has yet another meltdown because of Whitney's "fakeness," (again, look in the mirror), and I am so over her.  All of them.  Please get rid of at least 6 girls tonight, k thanks.

So the final date is with Britt, and according to the date card it is going to involve heights.  Which is Britt's #1 biggest fear in the world. Kind of like how intimacy was Carly's biggest fear.  What a coincidence.  It's like the producers purposefully plan these dates to make the girls uncomfortable or something.  I wonder if this will be a terrifying experience that makes them closer in the end??  So Chris wakes Britt up at 4:30 AM and he can't believe how beautiful she looks when she just wakes up.  Does he know that the sparkle eyeshadow, mascara, and lipstick AREN'T natural?  (According to Carly, Britt applies makeup before going to bed, just in case, and I believe it).  I wonder if she actually showered at any point before this date, since apparently it had been weeks since her last one.  (No really, she admitted that).  It turns out they are going on a hot air balloon ride, and luckily THAT isn't scary.  If they were jumping off something, THAT would be scary.  Not this pretty balloon that floats in the air... this is no big deal.  Especially when we get to make out in the basket.

Let's go hang out in your hotel room... ;)  I'll even shower!

Back at the girls' hotel, all the other women are bitching about Britt and about how she has been lying and talking behind Chris' back about loving the single life.  And then she went and told him that she wants a hundred kids!  Not only that, but it looks like Chris is about to cross the line...  For the end of their date, Chris brings Britt into his BED and then closes the doors to keep out the cameras.  So.  Umm.  Yeah.  That happened.  Now I REALLY hope she showered, because, ew.  BTW for those keeping track, this is their first real date, and he is already having a fantasy experience.  So.  Yeah.  If I was one of the other girls, I would be pretty mad.

Britt returns with a new little spring in her step and regales the girls with stories about her "nap" with Chris in his bed.  Knowing about this just makes Kelsey want to do the same thing, so she heads up to Chris' hotel room to "steal his time."  She decides that this is the perfect time to share her sob story about being a widow, and apparently this is supposed to make Chris want to invite YOU into his bed too??  She then (smilingly) confesses to the camera- "Isn't my story amazing?  It's tragic.  But amazing."  It seems like she is delusional and thinks this whole show is based on HER "love story", and this whole thing is SKETCH.  Her amazing story gets Chris to kiss her, and she is giddy as she runs off back to the girls' room.  Man, we really have some winners this season!

So Chris arrives for the cocktail party and tries to express his emotions to the girls, as he outs Kelsey on their "secret" conversation.  The whole night now becomes about Kelsey as she puts on quite a show.  I can't even try to explain the acting job that she is doing right now.  This is absolutely ridiculous and I hope that nobody is falling for her bullshit monologue about how much she changed Chris' life today.  Chris Harrison comes in to explain that there will be no cocktail party tonight since Chris knows what he is going to do, and the girls without roses are rightfully upset.  Kelsey pretty much ruined everything by telling him such a great story, and as Ashley complains- why can't I have a story like that?!?  The other stories just aren't sad enough!  Don't we all know- on this show, it's the sadder the sob story, the better!

The next thing we know, Kelsey is collapsed in a hallway crying and barely responsive having some kind of attack.  Isn't this a little bit similar to her story about her husband's death?  I'm just saying.  I can't deal with this anymore, and I just wish we actually got a rose ceremony tonight instead of a To Be Continued...  I can't stand another week with these bitches!  I guess we will have to wait until next week to see if she pulls through this near-death experience.

In other news, Megan in a sombrero doing the macarena, making Native American chants, and giving a geography lesson.  I just can't.  More of that please.  We'll see what ridiculousness we get next week... Until then!