Week 7 Recap: The Return of Lesley M.!

I swear I haven't watched this week's episode yet, but I am going to put this out there:  If Michael doesn't go home this week, I will pay someone $100.  Not sure who is taking me up on this bet, but I cannot possibly see him making it to hometown dates.  In fact, why is he even still here?  Okay, back to the rest of the show.  We are down to 5 and everyone is heading to Madeira this week!  I hope it is a perfect place to fall in love!!

Des has 3 one-on-one dates, and a two-on-one, but nobody has to go home.  No pressure, just fun! Before that, Des has invited Catherine, Lesley M., and Jackie from last season to help her figure things out.  I wish you could have heard me scream just now.  LESLEY!!!  They all have a cocktail session where Des spills all about the guys.  Catherine tells us how happy she is with Sean (is that awkward for Des?) and then they get to creep on the guys (with binoculars and everything) from a distance to check them out.  This is literally like sightseers at the zoo watching the animals as they show off for the onlookers behind the fence.  What I wouldn't give to be hanging out with them right now!  They compare all the guys (sounds like Drew is a fave), and when Catherine asks who has the biggest you-know-what (assuming she asked that since it was bleeped of course), Des assumes it is Chris.  Winner!  I think my neighbors think I am nuts since I have been shrieking in my house for the past 10 minutes, but I am loving this girl talk and cannot even handle it. 

Okay I guess we need to see some actual dates now...  Brooks gets the first date of the week, and we all hope that he can show his readiness for a serious commitment!  Des drives him up a mountain until they arrive atop a ridiculously high cliff.  So romantic, but so terrifying.  They literally drive up above the clouds, and she is "on the road to falling in love"- get it??  Brooks is between like and love in the clouds trying to find out how he feels.  These metaphors!  Des can see Brooks as her husband and they really are adorable breaking through the clouds AND their relationship.  Lost in cloud nine. Seriously, people.  We get it.  You are in the clouds and also in love.  Enough.  Later, out of the clouds, they have a romantic dinner where Brooks is ready to find out how Des really feels about meeting the family.  Des comes up with some "adjectives" between like and love that describe where they are, which include "stepping, skipping, and running."  Wait, are those adjectives?  Or should someone go back to 5th grade?  Des admits how deep she is falling for him, but Brooks is a little bit apprehensive.  Brooks needs her to meet the fam first- that is legit- but hopefully this doesn't mean that he will be breaking HER heart eventually!  Love him, but getting nervous...  Regardless, he is definitely getting a rose this week.

Literally on Cloud 9!!  (ABC)

Chris gets the next one-on-one date, and I am excited.  Honestly, HOW is he still single?  He is incredible.  Like, perfect. The other guys watch jealously as they board a yacht to go out onto the water.  This is perfect!  They both agree that there is some hot physical attraction, and we can all see that too.  They arrive at a deserted island and have an adorable picnic that actually seems so real.  He is the best.  Chris brought the materials for a message in a bottle and they are going to write a poem together.  So romantic and creative- they both love poetry!  Chris is so genuinely happy and I cannot handle how adorable he is.  LOVE.  Dinner finally rolls around, and Chris is ready to do one important thing: tell Des those 3 little words.  I die.  Hope he gets the courage!  They are having a great convo, but all the sudden Chris gets really nervous and things start to get really awkward.  He has written her another love poem that ends with "I love you," and even though usually I hate this corny stuff, I LOVE it.  Des is so overjoyed and knows he has all the qualities she wants.  If Chris doesn't win, PLEASE make him the next Bachelor.  I want more of him!  I am literally dying. (Plus- we are assuming he has the biggest you-know-what, which is always a bonus...)

Next, Michael finally gets a one-on-one date, but don't worry guys, this shouldn't be threatening to you.  She will realize how lame/confrontational/ugly he is, and he will leave.  Have I mentioned that I am not a fan?  Let's all get ready for this pity date.  They go around exploring and  I literally cannot even look at them holding hands.  Seeing them kiss disgusts me and I just feel like they are both nice people and nothing else.  They take a toboggan ride down a hill, like a roller coaster ride, which is just like love.  Get it?  It is fast and you are scared and there are ups and downs.  Stop.  This is the first time we see real alone time with them, and I am not feeling it.  We find out that Michael comes from a broken home AND has diabetes, and I know that Des does not want to deal with that stuff!  Michael is so happy to be with Des, after previous heartbreak he really feels it with her.  Des thinks he is nice and sincere, but there is no chemistry there, and we all know that matters most!

Finally, Zak and Drew are going on a two-on-one date, where there will be a rose available.  Looks like Des is pitting them in a competition against each other, and we know she just wants to see the 2 hottest bods go at it!  I would.  They both love Des, and I am ready to see these guys fight for her.  They end up at a race track where they will race go-karts for Des.  Drew is adorable and is definitely showing a more adventurous side that Des wanted to see.  Love!  Zak reminds us that love is like that adrenaline that you feel when racing, and I appreciate that metaphor (simile?) for sure.  He wins the race and is hoping to win her heart as well!  Drew is upset, but ready to share his true feelings!  Des takes her one-on-one time with Zak first, since he won of course, and Zak pulls out something special for her.  It's an artistic scrapbook of their time together.  Cute, but do others remember the time he came out of the limo shirtless the first night, then jumped into the pool to earn his first rose??  I feel like this is another Lindsay (from Sean's season) situation, where he starts out crazy but ends up being cool, but is still not marriage material!  Finally Drew gets some alone time, and I swoon.  He is so excited to bring her home and show another side of himself.  He admits that he has fallen in love with her (though he hasn't said those words specifically), they kiss, and I die.  Team Drew!  Des gives the rose to Drew and I am beyond happy.  Zak is classy and acts happy for him, but inside he is not okay.  The rose ceremony is that night, and Zak is getting nervous. Honestly, I would be fine if he went home too, but I am pretty confident it will be Michael. We'll see...

The guys are all starting to panic in time for the rose ceremony, and Des calms herself with a nice chat with Chris Harrison.  Des admits that Drew is the best looking guy she has ever met (agreed) and he is definitely husband material.  She then smiles about Brooks and admits that she has hit the finish line (aka in love) with him.  So, game over?  He wins already?  She starts to cry about being in love, and I'm like, what about Chris??? And Drew???  However, Brooks hasn't said that he loves her, and it makes her nervous.  Things are getting complicated!  It is clear that Brooks and Chris will get roses, so now it depends on Zak or Michael.  Who even cares, neither of them is winning.  As predicted, Michael is sent home- SHOCK- and I am ready to collect my hundred bucks from whoever would have bet me otherwise.  Des walks him out and explains the reasoning, but really all she needs to say is: I don't like your face.  Goodbye.  He calls his mom to break the news and she consoles him- he doesn't get why this happens!  I know: you need to stop going for hot girls.  They don't want you. Anyway, my three favorites and Zak are getting hometowns next week, and I cannot wait!  Oh, and Des' douchebag brother will be back!  Looking forward to it!  Until then...