Week 2 Recap: Watch Them Superman That Ho

Tonight is the first night of dates on The Bachelorette!  I cannot wait to see who she picks, who cries, and who makes a fool of himself.  I have a feeling the drama is already getting started!  The first date of the night is a one-on-one, and Chris Harrison explains to the men what that means, since clearly we don't know how the show works.  For the first date with Des, she chooses... in my opinion the ugliest guy in the house... Brooks.  Ugh. Maybe it's the long hair, but I am not feeling it.  Des is so excited and feels like a princess of course!  The other guys are so jealous and I am like geez guys, act more girly.  Oh well, let's see what Des has planned...

The more I look at Brooks, the less I dislike him.  I feel like with a good haircut, he could actually be pretty smokin.  Des takes him to a wedding dress boutique since it is what she loves, and they are just ready for the big day!  Brooks has to pretend he is having a good time watching her try on dresses, but once they get out and about and hit up the cupcake truck, people swarm them and they are both loving it.  They then take a drive up a mountain- still in the wedding dress/tux by the way (did she have to pay for that?  Because she is about to trash that dress), and they end up at the Hollywood sign! Jealous.  She tells him how most people don't get to do this, but luckily ABC hooked her up!  No of course she has a different explanation.  They have a romantic date on the Hollywood sign, and it is so symbolic of sitting on the top of the world!  Why does literally everything they do on these shows have to be symbolic of something?  Why can't it just be a cool experience?  Brooks shows off his sensitive and romantic side, and I guess I like him... he actually is pretty perfect for Des- they both love love!  They kiss on top of the sign- super cute- and okay I think he will go pretty far. Just please cut the hair!!!  Later, after they have changed back into normal clothes, Des drives them up to a closed road and omg- she suggests that they move the signs and drive onto the bridge anyway!  Oh no, what will happen!?  A dinner for 2 on a closed bridge. I have definitely seen this on a Bachelor (maybe Bachelor Pad) episode before- think of something new, please.  They have a serious talk about their parents and things get emotional- they are connecting on such a deep level!  p.s. Is it just me, or does Des look like she is going to cry 100% of the time?  Why are her eyes so watery?  Anyway, he gets the rose and I feel like this is actually the perfect guy for her. The end.  And wait, just when you think the date is over, it keeps going with a private concert by Andy Grammer. WTF Bachelorette, please save SOMETHING for the other guys!  This is getting insane.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the 2nd date card arrives and we remember that there are still 18 guys waiting for dates.  Oh, them.  The group date is going to be at a winery/mansion (jealous) and there are 14 of them for Des to "juggle."  Today they get to star in their own rap video!  Oh lord. She brings out Soulja Boy, and I have flashbacks to my 4th year of college.  The guys are all going to Superman that Ho!  But really, this is going to be atrocious, and I cannot wait.  They all try out some rhymes and some dance moves, and Soulja Boy picks his favorites to star with him, while the rest dance.  We soon discover that the lyrics all have to do with past contestants who weren't there "for the right reasons," and I cannot wait to see this.  Guarding and protecting her heart? YES.  Brandon gets to act as Kasey (from Ali's season, for those who don't know) and "jiggle his junk" in Des's face.  The scene takes forever, Brandon's butt keeps hanging out, and Des looks super uncomfortable.  Overall this is the worst video ever made, and I feel like Soulja Boy needs to reevaluate his life after being a part of that shitshow. Embarrassing. 

Please no more. (ABC)

Finally the awkwardness is over and I can climb back out from under my blanket.  Des is excited to talk to all the "marriage-material" guys.  First, we get to see Zak W. (shirtless guy) have a real heart and emotions, and Des loves the thoughtful antique journal he gives her.  Is she a writer?  Like is there a symbol there? (You know everything needs to be symbolic!).  Next, we see Ben swooping in to take Des away, and all the guys are already claiming that he is NOT here for the right reasons.  But wait, he just performed a rap that proved that he IS. What am I supposed to think?!?  I still really like Ben, and he hasn't done anything yet to anger me-  the guys are just jealous!  In other news, Brandon is already starting to get super clingy and weird, and I am over him already.  I think it was appropriate that he played Kasey's part in the rap, because he is becoming just like him.  He's obsessing over her and definitely trying too hard and opening up way too fast, and I sense that Des is overwhelmed and not feeling it, but she's too nice and always finds the good in everything. No. This is too much!  At the end of the night, Ben gets the rose, and the guys are freaking.  I still don't get what the problem is, but I guess it will all come out eventually?

Bryden gets the last date of the night, and I am excited to get to know him better, since he was one of my top choices last week.  Des has planned a road trip in her Bentley, and thank goodness because they both love road trips!  How do you have a road trip, you may ask?  All you need is a car, some gas, and great company!  Thanks, Des.  Des explains everything there is to know about California, which of course is symbolic for her whole life!  She loves that he knows nothing about the world outside of Montana (and Iraq, I guess), and they have such a lovely time exploring.  Des, this is not even close to Brooks' date.  What the heck. Clearly ABC did not deem Bryden worthy of the same treatment.  Des feels like a kid again when she is with him, but I feel like he is going to have trouble opening up emotionally. He does go into detail about a big car accident he was in, and even brought pictures to share.  This guy has been through a ridiculous amount of rough stuff, and I like him, but I do still feel like he is going to have a hard time being as emotionally open as she wants/needs.  I just don't see the spark that I see with Brooks and Ben.  He does get the rose, and he also gets some hot tub time with Des, where we have the most uncomfortable "is he gonna kiss her??" moment of our lives.  As I am screaming at the TV covering my face, Des finally tells him to just kiss her already, and pounces on him.  Thank god someone did it.  SO awkward I almost died.  So happy that is over.

Finally it is time for the cocktail party and rose ceremony.  There are a bunch of guys I don't even remember, so I guess we should spend some time with them, right?  This rando Michael G. (okay, HE is the ugliest in the house) shares his story about having diabetes (is that really the best way to win her heart?), but Ben steals her away again!  But he already HAS a rose!  This guy.  Okay, maybe he is starting to show that he is full of it, but maybe the other guys should learn how this show works!  Instead of bitching about it like a bunch of girls, maybe they should do something for themselves!  Just saying.  A bunch of the guys confront Ben, because they know that he just doesn't get it, and he's being a liar.  Apparently he never talks about his son, only about his businesses, and they need Des to see the truth!  This confrontation is getting ridiculous- just grow some balls and move on.

Des is ready for the rose ceremony, and I feel like she is just too nice to send people home.  But here we go... A bunch of guys I don't even remember get roses, and I wish she would narrow it down faster.  Brandon gets the final rose- good thing too, or he may have killed himself right then and there.  Looks like she is sending home 3 guys- Will the high-fiver, Robert who is super cute by the way, and Nick M. who I don't remember in the slightest.  See ya!  Down to 16 guys, and guess what?  More confrontations with Ben next week!  Oh, and that whole girlfriend drama will come out.  Can't wait!

P.S. If you want to watch the worst video of your life, check out the guys' Soulja Boy music video and try to keep your eyes open for the whole thing. Oh and by the way, looks like they cut out Brandon's part.. too inappropriate?