The Bachelorette Week 3 Part II: The Showdown

Well friends, apparently ABC just loves this Chad drama so much, we require two whole episodes to cover it all. Welcome to Part II of the Chad saga: The Douche is About to Explode. We start out with a really heartfelt apology from Chad to the guys, and we reallyyyyy take it seriously. He promises not to be violent, as long as nobody tries to push or fight him. So, there's that. Meanwhile.. it's pool party time!!!


So, JoJo rolls up, and the guys all become best friend/frat stars and have the time of their lives playing in the pool with JoJo. Oh, and of course they do a bit of checking her out too... In other news, the scene of Evan bleeding that we kept seeing in the previews? Yeah, turns out he just hurts himself while diving into the pool. So. Not Chad's fault. Geez ABC, you got us all excited for nothing! Such a let down.


Later, JoJo gets some alone time with Jordan, and we see them get pretty intimate and deep in their connection. And we love it! Jordan has to ensure JoJo that he is completely into her, and we know she is really into him too. Keep him forever! A bunch of the other guys get some good alone time too, and some make out sessions, and unfortunately a lot of anti-Chad talk. Focus on yourselves and not the other guys!!! Haven't you seen this show before- this almost never works out!!! The pool party ends, but Chad is NOT happy about Derek particularly talking bad about him to JoJo. Another confrontation, and Chad just doesn't know what he has done wrong! So. It's game time now.


So it's finally time for the rose ceremony we never got to last night, and JoJo thinks she knows what she is doing. And I bet you a million dollars she keeps Chad another week! She sees his softer side! She needs to get to the bottom of this herself! JoJo continues to keep around a bunch a lame-os, as well as- SHOCK- Chad. Wow, I am so surprised. Oh wait, I watch every season of this show, so I'm not. She sends home Christian, Nick, and Ali, and I am not at all sad about any of those. Oh I mean, WHAT?!? She keeps that jerk Chad and sends home these nice guys?!? I am OUTRAGED. Yeah.


So now I guess tonight's episode actually starts, and the guys are all packing their bags to head to a mystery location. Which turns out to be some backwoods part of Pennsylvania. This is just THE perfect place to fall in love. So the first date of the week is a one-on-one with Luke. Not surprised. JoJo has been really into him from the beginning. Not MY favorite (too Texan for my taste), but I'm sure she will have a great time. For this date, apparently JoJo has taken some notes from Ben's season, because they will be hanging out in a hot tub in the middle of nowhere. Why is this a thing now? In other news, am I the only one who thinks that Luke is kind of boring? Maybe it's just because he talks really slowly? Or he doesn't seem that intelligent? I don't know. So Luke shares his back story about his experiences in Afghanistan and the friends he has lost in war, and things get deep really fast. I appreciate him sharing, but I worry that he is not quite yet ready for a relationship. He's just not really doing it for me. Also, I don't find him as hot as JoJo does. She eats his stories right up, and likes him even more than ever. I'm calling top 3 for this one, but winner? Hope not. To top off the night, they walk into a concert of some random band, and basically dance/make out on stage in front of thousands of people taking pictures. Yeah, it's weird.

No, not awkward at all...

Back at the house, Chad lounges outside shirtless in the cool Pennsylvania weather (but really, I'm pretty sure it's like winter time), and reminds us that poking the Chad-bear is not a good idea, and if he punches someone's head, it will explode. Good to know. In other news, the next group date cards reveals that there will likely be a 2-on-1 date later on with Alex and Chad. Good versus Evil. And who is surprised by this one??? Not me. But it should be interesting entertainment.

So for the big group date, the guys are heading to Heinz Field to play football with Ben Roethlisberger. Who apparently is all besties with JoJo. It's getting clear that she just loves douchebags! Am I the only one who feels kind of uncomfortable about Jordan being there? Like, does this make him feel bad about himself that he's not the superstar these pro players are? Or is it weird that his brother plays against these guys? Maybe it's just me. So I guess to make the competition fair for game time, they put Jordan on both teams as the all-time quarterback. I mean, I would hope he would be the best player out there.... Plus apparently that means he can't lose, which I'm sure JoJo is fine with. So at the end of the day, the underdogs win (I mean really, Evan and James Taylor beating Chase and Grant??), and the Blue Team guys will get more time with JoJo. After a couple of make out sessions with the guys later in the night, JoJo gives the group date rose to Jordan, and I fall more in love. Ohhh Jordan. Swoon.

Besties???

Finally, we are down to the final date- the 2-on-1... But before the date begins, Chad needs to throw out a couple more threats, including one to Jordan- that after the show, he will find Jordan, come to his house, and go after him. So, that's cool. Alex and Chad head out to their date, via helicopter- why does the 2-on-1 date always involve them arriving on a helicopter? Today's date involves hiking in the middle of nowhere, which is awesome when you're with two guys who hate each other. Trying to break some awkwardness, JoJo pulls Alex aside for a little chat, and it worries me that Alex pretty much only talks about Chad. This could backfire! Be careful! Luckily, JoJo is a freaking badass, and after confronting Chad about what Alex told her, just walks away like a boss. Chad basically admits that he does threaten people, because he has no other way of dealing with it, and we are like, really?? Be an adult. Unfortunately, JoJo is still torn, because maybe Chad only acts this way out of grief over his mother's death...! Okay, maybe, but does that mean you want to date and/or MARRY this guy?? No. Feel bad for 2 minutes, then move on. He'll do well on Bachelor in Paradise anyway. Meanwhile, Chad now knows that Alex talked crap about him, and he is ready to collect some teeth! This will end well. Lucky for America, JoJo has some major sense about her and decides that a violent threatening person is not someone she wants to be with, and sends Chad home. Alex gets a rose, yay, and Chad is apparently left alone in the woods to fend for himself.

In other news, as soon as the guys in the house see Chad's luggage get picked up, they start popping confetti and downing shots and bottles of champagne. And just when everyone thinks he is gone for good... wait for it... here comes creeper Chad trekking through the woods to knock on the door at the guys' house. Apparently looking for a fight. And of course, just when we think it's all about to go down... To Be Continued!!!!!! You are killing me, ABC! So, we have to wait TWO WEEKS to see this ultimate fight go down (if it actually does), and there are apparently a lot of complete emotional breakdowns coming. I know I cannot wait to see how this all unfolds... Until then!

The Bachelorette Week 3: Less Hitler, More Mussolini

Well, well, well, it seems like the end is already near for Chad. It looks like the peak fighting is already about to blow up on week 3! As we start this episode, Chad continues to pound down some meat and protein, and the other guys all start to plan his demise... Meanwhile, we will have 3 dates this week, including 2 one-on-ones. Let's see how this goes!

The first date goes to Chase, and I am excited, because I have actually liked him a lot since night one. This date involves a trip to a hot yoga studio, where they are instructed to do some weird anger-gasms, and I don't get why the Bachelor insists on doing these "intimate" sessions for first dates. Can't we just do something normal?? The only plus is that they get to see each other in very little clothing, pretty early on in their relationship, so, no surprises at least... So, partway through their intimate yoga session, they start to make out, and I'm like, is this awkward for anyone else out there...? No? Just me? Hm. Later at dinner, they have actual conversations, and I am really feeling it. Apparently so does JoJo, so Chase gets the rose, and we have another front runner.......!

Meanwhile back at the house, the group date card arrives with a bunch of names, including Chad, on it. Chad doesn't even WANT to go on that date, because who wants to go on a group date??? I just want a one-on-one, okay??? A group date is a waste!! So, all of the sudden, the guys, led by Jordan and Alex, start talking major crap toward Chad, and Chad cannot handle it. I of course LOVE both Jordan and Alex, so I am all about them staring Chad down and totally calling him out on his ridiculousness. I just hope that my favorites don't get carried away with this feud- they need to stay focused on JoJo or it will not end well!

So for the group date, the guys will be performing at a Sex Talk show, where they will need to share a sex story of their own for an audience. This couldn't go badly, right? You know who looks thrilled about it though??? Chad. I bet he is dying to share personal intimate stories with a bunch of strangers. Oh wait. No. JoJo hasn't earned the right to hear about his past yet. It's none of her business! In related news, apparently Evan is going to turn his story into one big bashing of Chad. So. Let the games begin... So, these stories are actually pretty hilarious and great, until Evan starts his "cautionary tale" about how "someone in the house" uses steroids and might have problems with his manhood. No surprise, Chad is PISSED and gets aggressive towards Evan already. Then, for the grand finale, Chad takes the stage, where he brings JoJo on stage to talk not about his past but about his future, and goes in for a kiss, which she rejects! So awkward. At the end of the show, Chad punches a door and threatens to kill Evan, and it sounds like things are going to get pretty bad... We will see!

Later at the cocktail party, we get to see Jordan sweet talk the crap out of JoJo and I LOVE it. And hey, he admits that he wasn't the best boyfriend back in college, so that ex-gf who keeps talking out better step off! Jordan all the way!!! We get to see Chad making things awkward again, but he's just trying to get more time with JoJo and he isn't a bad guy at all! Evan confronts Chad yet again, but Chad thinks Evan is just being a bully. And hey, according to Chad, Evan "f*cked up already by having 3 kids." Well then. Chad uses his alone time with JoJo to tell her that he didn't even want to go on this group date, but then he is able to smooth his way back into her good graces, of course. At the end of the night, Evan gives JoJo essentially an ultimatum, that he hates Chad so much that if Chad stays, he will go. Hmm.. who will she pick? The hot bad boy who has a deeper soft side, or the nerdy little erectile dysfunction specialist??? Hmmm... So in an odd twist of events, I guess JoJo has a thing for weird loser guys, because Evan gets the group date rose, which might just mean that Chad is going home...? We'll see. Just when we thought it couldn't get any better, Chad straight up interrupts JoJo explaining her choice of Evan, by asking if this was serious right now. Is she actually picking Evan?? Is she seriously into him?!?! I mean, we are all thinking it, but you can't SAY THAT! This is getting amazing. So. Awkward.

So, back in reality, JoJo is going on a date with sweet, precious James Taylor. He is just so adorable and I am sure their date will be fun. They are going swing dancing, and it is super cute. But secretly, I actually love swing dancing, and I love James, so this will be a win no matter what. Later, James opens up to JoJo about his insecurities, and we are like, James! You are adorable and you SING! Don't you realize how much girls love that??? Because they do. James gets the rose, and then sings JoJo a song he wrote for her, and women across America die.

Back at the house, as Chad sits there eating his whole uncooked sweet potato (????), his only friend in the house, Daniel, advises him to take it down a notch, so Daniel will not be guilty by association. As he says, "maybe don't be Hitler, maybe be Mussolini." Stellar advice from a history and political whiz over here! Okay okay, maybe just be more like Bush and less like Trump. (That's better, right?) But really, all Chad cares about is his protein intake and his bench press reps, so he's fine with it.

In other news, there will be no cocktail party tonight, BUT, JoJo wants an all-day pool party with the guys. JoJo in a bikini? Yes, please. But not for Chad- he doesn't want or need to see JoJo in a bikini. He can picture what she looks like. That's good enough. Hm. But before the party can start, little Evan runs to daddy Chris Harrison to tell on Chad about the violence and threats. Chris is ready to step in and talk it out with Chad, who promises to make it right with the guys in order to avoid being sent home. But it doesn't seem like Chad is going to apologize after all- he wants to rip the arms and legs off of each one of the guys and throw them in the pool. Should be a fun pool party! But unfortunately we won't find out until tomorrow night... Darn you ABC and your To Be Continueds!!! One more night to wait until the big drama goes down... Until then!

The Bachelorette Week 2: The Douche of the Season

Tonight is only week 2, but we will apparently already get to see a lot of makeout sessions, and a LOT of douchey behavior. Let the games begin! Things get started right away with a group date with a bunch a lame guys, and Robby (one of my faves!). To start the date, the guys all see JoJo's limo go up in flames, but JoJo emerges from a fire truck in full-on fireman's gear. Good lord, JoJo, as if you need to get any hotter. Of course all the guys are losing their minds and probably need a quick cold shower before the date starts... For this date, the guys will be going through a firefighter obstacle course, competing for more time with JoJo, and it seems kind of fair, except that one of the guys is an actual firefighter in real life... So... he should win, right...? Poor Wells is super cute but is clearly too small and pathetic to do any of this physical work, and almost passes out. But he does get some extra alone time with JoJo, which I guess makes up for looking like a total pussy? So at the end of the day, SHOCKER- Grant the firefighter wins the whole competition! What do you know? It's like it was planned all along...

But really.. damn girl.

Meanwhile back at the house, Chad does all he can to prove himself as the ultimate douche from day one. He decides to strap a full suitcase onto a weight belt and do pull-ups on the edge of the house. Just in case there was any doubt as to who was the biggest tool. Keep it up, Chad! I'm dying to see what you come up with next.


At the rest of the group date, Grant gets his special alone time with JoJo, AND a pretty sweet kiss. JoJo also spends some more time with Wells, and I really do like his cute little pathetic innocence. He is definitely not her typical type of a big buff manly-man, but he's really funny and sweet. Keep him around! Another early front runner, Luke, is really starting to bug me. He seems weirdly obsessed with her this early on, and is starting to act like a total girl. There's just something about him that I am turned off by... Hm.. Not a fave. So at the end of the date, Wells gets the rose, in true Bachelor form! Whoever acts the most pathetic in a group date always gets the rose! Worked out great for you, Wells, I'm impressed.


The next date of the week is a one-on-one with Derek. And I'm like, who is Derek again?? I think I liked him, but I barely remember him. This better be good! The date is all about making choices, and they end up in San Francisco at the Golden Gate Bridge, it is seems like a pretty amazing date.


Back at the house, all the guys are bonding and writing songs with pretty stellar lyrics ("JoJoJo Jo Jo"), except for some- Chad has actually found a friend in Daniel (remember the ass who got almost naked on the first night?). They both agree that THEY are the real nice guys, and the "nice" guys are actually the ones to look out for. Yes, that is exactly how it works! So glad we have this relationship expert here to explain how things work. But it looks like, GASP, the house is dividing...! I wonder how this will end up.


Meanwhile, back on Derek's date, things move on to dinner and it seems to be going really well. Derek is actually pretty good looking, and seems like a good guy. Apparently he was hurt in a past relationship and has had trouble opening up to people ever since... what a crazy concept on this show! But JoJo opens up about Ben, so Derek opens up about his ex too. He gets the rose, and they definitely have a good connection. So, I like him, but he might not be exciting enough to make it to the end... We'll see!

Derek... not bad, not bad

Next, it's time for the final group date of the week, including some favorites like Jordan and Alex, plus The Douche. So the guys walk into the ESPN building where JoJo is acting as a host of Sports Nation and the guys are like uhhhhhh my two favorite things- ESPN and a hot girl. Yes please. In other news, do these people yet know who Jordan is??? I feel like these sports commentators have to know. The guys will be getting power ranked based on their ability to dance with a rose, play sober dizzy bat, and put on a fake press conference. In true Chad fashion, he decides to act "like a man" and tell JoJo she is being too naggy during his pretend marriage proposal... Good work, Chad. Plus, all the guys call him out on being the worst person ever during their fake press conferences... Chad, however,  accuses all the other guys of being fake because they already think they love JoJo. He's just being real and honest! He doesn't even know if he likes her yet, I mean, she's hot, but like, I don't even know yet. Is this how you usually get girls? Because I'm sure the asshole method works at the bar, but not sure it's going over well with someone like JoJo. But please, keep going, it is so entertaining! Finally, the power rankings come out, and they put Chad in 2nd because of his "honesty"... wow. Alex got 3rd and James came in 1st. And I'm like, you don't even consider the benefits of Jordan's family?!? Fineeeee...


Later that evening, JoJo spends more time with the 6 guys, starting with James. I love him because he fully admits that he is not nearly good enough for her (true), but he reads her the sweetest note that he wrote, and I love how adorable he is. Chad continues to remind us that he is the only MAN here, and all the other guys are just little boys. They clearly don't have as much experience with women as he does....... JoJo totally sees right through him, that he is compensating for something, and he even talks about how he doesn't want to have to worry about a relationship when he is working so much. And... that is all of the sudden different now? The great (okay, not great) thing for Chad is that he has a sob story (his mother died recently), which makes JoJo feel bad for him and see his "sensitive side." So, yeah. Chad is going to be a front runner, despite how big of a douche he is. SHOCKER. He is charming and knows how to play the game, but JoJo actually gives the group date rose to James. Yay! In other news, why can't Alex be like 8 inches taller? He is SUPER hot and sweet, but that height is going to be a deal breaker I think. (Sorry, but I actually agree with Chad on that one!).


The night of the rose ceremony arrives, and Chad is prepared to be a douche yet again. He meets JoJo's limo out front to have some extra alone time with her, and it's clear that he knows how to play this game. The guys all confront him, but Chad doesn't get what the problem is. Stop being so sensitive, bro, I was just getting some air... In other news, he is one of the only people I've ever seen eating on this show. And he is going to town on some meat. Because he is a man!!! This is definitely a first on this show, and I love it. Chad is just so standoffish towards JoJo, and acts like he doesn't like her that much, and it is working beautifully. I totally get why JoJo is into it though, and it's genius. Oh Chad, we will be seeing you for a while I am sure. Towards the end of the night, Alex confronts him yet again, and Chad straight up threatens to beat his face in. Oh Chad, we know you are a tough guy, enough with the threats.

Finally we get to the main event- the rose ceremony, and it is time to send a couple of the nobodys home. Or not...? Because she keeps around Evan, Daniel, and Vinny, who are ALL total losers. She saves the rose for Chad for last, of course, and nobody is surprised (we saw him in the previews!!). She does send home the Bachelor Superfan (who cares), some nerdy looking guy, and some guy with long hair. If only she had sent home more! At least we have a whole week for her to think about who else to send home, and for Chad to drink more protein shakes. And next week we get a full 2 nights of douche-baggery. Can't wait until then!

The Bachelorette Week 1: Bring on the Men!

The Bachelorette is back! And this is, in my opinion, the BEST Bachelorette yet. (At least since Ali.) In case you've been living under a rock, this season's Bachelorette is JoJo, the amazing, beautiful, funny, smart, cool, fun-loving, awesome runner-up from Ben's season. We just can't wait to see JoJo find the perfect man for her! JoJo insists that she has fully moved on from her breakup with Ben, and we are ready to see some amazing connections with some new (hopefully) hotties. Bring on the men! (Before we get to the men, JoJo wants some advice, and meets with some old faves- Kaitlyn, Des, and Ali, which is actually pretty entertaining, but come on- get to the main event!)


Looking more gorgeous than ever!

Now for some highlights of this season's men, starting with... JORDAN RODGERS. As an Aaron Rodgers loving family, I am BEYOND excited to see him on this season. He is super cute and oh by the way is RELATED TO AARON RODGERS. Keeper. Yes. Win please. In other options, we have Alex the Marine who is pretty darn hot, but I am guessing he has some issues and won't end up winning. We also get someone whose occupation is "Bachelor Superfan".. so.. that's a thing. This erectile dysfunction doctor seems like a super creep and I'd love to send him home ASAP. So far, really no winners, but apparently JoJo is attracted to military/firefighter/super buff guys. But are any of them actually successful, interesting people? Seems like no.


It's finally time for JoJo to meet the men at the mansion, and she is looking radiant as expected. Jordan is the first man out if the limo and I am like ahhhh you don't even know who he is!!! Please keep him around for hometowns! Other winners (based on first impression alone) include Robby the former competitive swimmer, Chad the real estate agent (probably a total douche but super hot), James the singer-songwriter, and Wells the radio DJ. But... all in all, I feel like there are unfortunately a lot of duds here, and I want to send like half of them home right now... If only she could cut it to less than 20 tonight. I guess she needs to take Ali's advice and keep around some duds just in case... you never know, right?


Once all the men have arrived (or so we think), JoJo gets to start spending some one-on-one time with each of them. But fun fact- apparently JoJo is TOO HOT and literally all the men are so nervous and can't relax to talk to her because she is so hot. First, she gets to sit on Alex the Marine while he does pushups, so that's fun, but won't start a lasting relationship. She also has an amazing conversation with Jordan which I am thrilled about. Awesome connection, can't wait to see where it goes. She has a super awkward kiss with the super awkward Will, followed by an interruption for an amazingggg kiss with Jordan Rodgers and I am literally DYING. This guy is killing it for me. We'll see if anyone can beat it... Later, she chats with Chad, who I won't lie, I'm into right now. He is a total douche and is clearly super rich which makes him overconfident, but for now, I'm feeling it. He won't make it to the end, his true douche side will likely come out soon, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts. JoJo also clearly loves the Texas boys, and she is super into both James and Luke. For me.. James is a winner, Luke is ehh. But I guess they both beat most of the other lame-os.

Such a sub-par group of men for JoJo...

In other news, in typical Bachelorette week 1 fashion, a bunch of the guys are getting wasted. Apparently the weirdo Canadian Daniel is totally trashed, poking people's belly buttons and getting naked. Oh, and jumping in the pool. But overall there is a lottttt of drinking going on here, and a few of the guys even stumble into the interview room and disrupt JoJo's interviews.. which she is not too psyched about. It's actually pretty entertaining to see this though- usually only 1 or 2 guys get this wasted, so this is definitely a change from the norm. They are just all too nervous about how hot she is!!!


So just when we think the rose ceremony is finally about to begin... another limo pulls up... But who is coming in to the house so late??? None other than possibly the BIGGEST douche to ever set foot into the Bachelor mansion.. Jake Pavelka. Holy crap. For those not in the know, he was the Bachelor about 6 years ago, and is the poster child for failed Bachelor relationships. Like, televised breakup level failure. Oh, and he's a HUGE fame whore, and I'm assuming it's been a bit too long since he was last on TV, and he needs some exposure. How very typical Jake. Apparently he is a close family friend???? What is this???? Jake fools us all into thinking he's here to join the cast of men, but relax! He's just here to get his next 15 minutes of fame! Apparently all he wanted to do was wish her luck and give her some advice. Purely out of the goodness of his heart and his care for her as a friend. Wow, so genuine, Jake. I'd love to go another 6 years without seeing you on my TV again, so let's make this happen, thanks...


Now for the actual rose ceremony, where all the guys we can't even remember the names of get roses. But how many drunk guys will she send home...? She does keep the "hipster", the guy dressed as Santa, the "Bachelor Superfan", the erectile dysfunction guy, and it appears- all of the wasted guys... Not sure what she's doing with this one, but okay. I guess there's not much to pick from, so what else is she going to do? She keeps 20 guys, and I think there's at least one winner in there, so I think it will work out in the end. I just can't wait until the group of losers gets whittled away, and we can focus on the real studs here. Stay tuned for the drama that is coming this season (and it looks like there will be a LOT) and - fingers crossed- maybe seeing Aaron Rodgers??? Until then...

Season Finale Recap: Ben Chooses His ONE True Love

Tonight is the night we have been waiting for!!! Finally!!! The crazy thing about this season is that I will actually be happy with either outcome, which is rare. Usually I hate one of the final two, but I actually love them both. Even though I think he would be happier with Lauren, I know he would do well with JoJo too. We will soon find out!


So. According to Chris Harrison, this could be the most dramatic finale EVER. No really. He means it this time!! Chris is even telling us that allegedly Ben will be marrying the winner TONIGHT on the After the Rose Live event. Stop. That cannot be real. But really- they flew out BOTH girls' families and Ben's hometown pastor (who is literally just reading his bible all night) and are making it seem like this is going to happen. This is sooo weird. Also, how did they convince the loser's parents to come out here and pretend they are preparing for a possible wedding? What. Is. Happening? Is this a joke?!? Don't you want a REAL wedding?? So confused.


Meanwhile, back in Jamaica, it's time for Ben to decide which woman he loves more than the other. Oh Ben, you are so deep into this now, I don't know how you're getting out alive. Or at least with both of your balls intact. First, Ben needs to introduce both of the girls to his parents, who are NOT happy to hear that he has told two girls that he loves them. So this should be good. Lauren is the first to meet them, and of course she is so freaking beautiful and precious that she makes an amazing impression on them. In other news, why does it seem like Ben's mom doesn't think as highly of him as we do? She straight up is like, yeahhh he is going to need some help in his life... And we are all like WHAT? I thought he was perfect!!! But don't worry, Lauren can handle it. Lauren is ready to marry Ben tomorrow, and who knows, maybe that's what will be happening in this episode...!


Next, JoJo still has to meet the parents. Can we talk about how Lauren brought them a massive flower arrangement and a bottle of wine, whereas JoJo only brought them a little flower in a shell. You're gonna need to step up your gifts if you're going to beat Lauren... Lauren set the bar pretty high yesterday! Just when we think that Lauren has it all wrapped up, JoJo comes out with some great chats with the parents, and we remember that she actually is pretty great too. She is so loving and honest and makes him laugh and feel safe. Gosh what are we going to do?!?


Am I the only one who is getting really bummed out at this point..? I can't imagine what Ben is going through. They are both AMAZING and beautiful and perfect for him and I love them both. How is he going to choose one?!? I feel like the only option here is a sister-wives situation. I feel like that could work... the girls get along really well... I don't think they would mind...


Now, Ben still has one final date with each girl to help him figure out this tough decision. He is clearly sooo stressed out and nervous, and for the first time we are seeing this rough side of Ben. He is obviously SO conflicted, and seems especially worried that everything with Lauren is too perfect. That's not a bad thing, Ben!!! It means that you are meant to be together!!! Is this just the producers trying to make us doubt Lauren for the first time all season??? Because it's working!!! Also we are definitely starting to see JoJo's relationship with Ben progress and they really are sweet together as best friends on top of everything. This is getting so tough!! Ben basically admits to both of the girls that he is still confused and conflicted, and everyone is losing hope. Ben has no concerns with either relationship. How is he going to make a decision?!? Also can we talk about how he and JoJo clearly went into the bathroom together to have a conversation away from the cameras, but they still had mics on some we heard everything? Good hiding, guys. So at the end of the two dates, we still know NOTHING and everyone is crazy conflicted and losing their freaking minds. HOW WILL THIS END???


It's not too perfect!!!

Apparently all Ben needed to do to decide was sit down with Neil Lane for a little ring shopping. Because as soon as he looks at the rings, he magically knows who the perfect girl is! It makes me nervous that he picks out the ugliest effing ring out of the bunch and "knows" that will be the perfect ring. Which one of these beautiful women do you think deserves such a hideous ring??? Poor girl. In other news, why isn't Ben sending one of them home before the rose ceremony? If you really do love her, you would save her the pain and anguish! Or did Chris Harrison advise you to do what it takes to make this the most dramatic finale ever? Because that is definitely what this is turning in to!! Ben knows he needs to break the heart of someone he loves, but who will it be?!?

The time has arrived for Ben to send the loser home, and the helicopters are arriving.... and JoJo steps out. Ohhhhh JoJo. We really thought you had a chance. But it looks like your love is just not enough. Ben lets her start the conversation, and JoJo goes on a lengthy tangent about how much she loves him and how amazing this is, and we cannot believe that Ben is letting her do this! Stop letting her humiliate herself!!! Finally he steps in and admits that he loves someone else more, and JoJo is rightfully pissed. You did nothing wrong! He just connects with Lauren better. JoJo actually handles this like a champ, and we all remember why we love her so much. PLEASE BE THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!!! I will do anything to have it be JoJo and not Caila. PLEASE!!!!!!! We love you!!!

Still love you, JoJo!!!!

So, just when you think you couldn't love Ben enough.. Right before Lauren is about to arrive, he busts out the cell phone and calls... Lauren's dad, to ask him for permission to propose. OH MY GOD. Literally no Bachelor has ever done this. SUCH a stud move. BE STILL MY HEART! Ben, we literally can't love anyone more. I just can't. Lauren arrives and they both profess their love for each other and it is seriously the most precious proposal since Sean Lowe. Maybe even better. THEY ARE SO STINKING CUTE. But will they be getting married live tonight?? We will soon find out...


Just when you think it's over, you realize that there is still another whole HOUR of this freaking show. The only positive is that Ben and Lauren will possibly get married (doubtful), and that we will find out who the next Bachelorette is (and apparently it might not be who we think it is....!!!). So we get to check in with Ben and see JoJo confront Ben nicely, and all that matters is that JoJo is lookin' gooooood, and that everyone on this season is just so freaking nice to each other! JoJo wishes them the best (genuinely), and we just love them all so much. Finally, Chris Harrison is ready to announce the next Bachelorette, and even though people have been trying to trick us, it is really going to be... JOJO!!!! And America is SO HAPPY!!! JoJo will be an amazing Bachelorette, and I am SO happy about this decision. Good call, ABC. This will be a winner for sure. This whole season has been worth it, now knowing that all of our favorites will end up happy. Can't wait!!!


At the end of the day, just when you thought you couldn't love Ben ANY MORE, he does it again. Chris Harrison of course tries to push this surprise wedding on them, and instead, Ben takes the opportunity to bring out both of their families (surprising Lauren) and re-propose to Lauren with all of their family and friends there. SO ADORABLE. The families are all SO SWEET and already love each other so much and I literally can't even handle how precious this is. Even though they didn't go through with the surprise wedding, they are clearly SO happy and I cannot wait until they are actually married. LOVE THEM. All we can do is hope that JoJo's season is anywhere close to as awesome as this one. We can't wait to find out!!! Until then...

Women Tell All Recap: A Whole Lot of Blah.

Tonight, all the losers women from Ben's season are returning to "tell all." But I have a feeling this will be relatively uneventful. Aside from Olivia being a "crazy bitch," (and let's be honest, we've seen wayyyy crazier), the rest of the girls were and are pretty lame. But maybe someone will surprise us and totally lose her shit. Here's hoping!!!

Time for some awkward conversations!!!

Let's be real, isn't the best part of this night always seeing all the girls come back, and realizing you don't even remember half of them..? Like, who the crap are these people that were sent home night one? You don't have anything to contribute... Jami, stop trying to get your 15 seconds of fame. And why is this chicken here? I can't even. But the one we ARE happy to see again is Lace. Ohhhhh Lace. We have missed you!!! Please bring your crazy ass back to us.


First we relive all of the "drama" which in reality, wasn't even that horrible. Ohh Olivia was rude.. Jubilee refused to talk to the girls.. Leah lied... wowwwww this was a wild season!


Next, we have to spend an absurdly long time opening up with the girl that literally nobody even cares about, Jubilee. In a word, unnecessary. So the truth about Jubilee comes out that apparently she was pulling the race card all season long. The biracial girls are pissed off because Jubilee claimed to be the "full-black girl" to make it the furthest in the show. And apparently dropped n-bombs in the house and made her race a major topic many times... I can't say I am surprised (remember how great she felt about calling Ben "white boy" on their date..?) and it actually explains a lot. I wish people would stop making us feel bad about Jubilee's departure. It was NOT heartbreaking. She was the worst. Move on. Jubilee admits that she says offensive things a lot (wow, winner!) and half-heartedly apologizes to Amber and Jami. But really. Who the eff is this Jami girl and why is she ALL over this tell-all??? She wasn't even on the season!! So confused. Chris Harrison desperately tries to turn this segment into something we care about, and fails miserably. Please get to someone we actually give a shit about. K thanks!


Thankfully, the good stuff is next- Lace! We cannot wait to see what this crazy-ass hot mess has been up to. Has she bettered herself enough to be able to love yet?? Let's hope! Apparently this whole experience has been a turning point in Lace's life, and she is totally normal now. How boring. She doesn't say the word "crazy" anymore and she now watches her facial expressions. Except she does NOT love herself yet. Hopefully she will by the time Bachelor in Paradise comes back this summer...!!! Please be ready to find love! In other news, we got to see some crazy fan in the audience come forward with a tattoo of Lace on his torso. So. We hope that's fake. And I'm just gonna go ahead and gloss right over that happening... Moving on.

Next up, we get to check in with Olivia and recap her disaster of an exit from the show. She actually seems pretty sincere and normal on tonight's show, which makes me think that being on the Bachelor actually made her legit crazy. Like she somehow turned into a maniac as the season progressed. We do get to hear both Olivia and the other girls explain who was really bullying who, but even this is not that exciting. Yes, everyone was a bitch to everyone. Olivia called Amanda a teen mom. Tell us something we don't know! Bring out some deleted scenes! Something! Because we haven't felt bad enough for Olivia, she decides to confess to America that she was severely bullied as a child, and that's why she acted this way on the show. Not that we don't take bullying seriously, but it seems a little convenient to bring this up right when everyone else is accusing you of being a bully. Obviously the girls were all meaner than they should be, but didn't you kind of expect this when you went on the Bachelor? Olivia successfully (maybe) makes the world feel bad for her by busting out the waterworks and crying about how much she is being attacked on social media. Yes, that is sad. But still. You went on the Bachelor and acted crazy. What did you really think would happen? You can cry all you want, but all we can think about is how freaking boring all of these segments have been. Why are all of these girls so lame tonight??? Is there anything good coming up??? Please!



The "craziest" girl this season.. surprisingly tame.



Unfortunately, next up is Caila. Weird with a capital W. This can only be awful. Let's see if she can actually put some complete sentences together tonight! I have to admit, I zoned out for pretty much that entire segment, because, let's be honest, nobody gives a crap about Caila. She was never the right person for Ben. She's beautiful but superrrrrrrr odd and annoying. And believe me, if it gets confirmed by ABC that she will be the next Bachelorette, you will hear some words from me about that one. I've been over her for weeks now. So sorry I wasn't paying attention to your sad little tears tonight! I'm sure it was really interesting.


Finally we get to see "the most popular Bachelor in history" come out to the stage. Sean Lowe?!? Oh wait, no, apparently he means Ben. We get to see a boring convo between him and Caila, a lame confrontation with Leah, and an angry attack from Jubilee. And at the end of the day, the girls just wish Ben all the best, and compliment how amazing he is. Because really. Ben is just incredible and everyone knows it. Love you, Ben!!! Even Chris Harrison tells him that he's made it onto the Mount Rushmore of Bachelors. Now THAT is the biggest honor in life! I would love to know who else is on that mountain...? Sean Lowe of course. But who else...? Please create that for us, Chris!


All we really care about it scenes from next week, and we are beyond excited for the amazing finale! Who will he choose- Lauren or JoJo??  It will be, as Chris Harrison is promising- the MOST dramatic season finale in Bachelor history. I can't wait to see the results!!! Somehow we made it through this horrendous Women Tell All, and all I know is that next week cannot come soon enough. Until then...

Week 9 Recap: Ben Finds The Loves of His Life

It's fantasy suite week!!!!! This means that not only will Ben be spending the night with 3 different women, but apparently he will also be professing his love for TWO of them! Ben and the ladies will be spending this week in Jamaica, which is just the perfect place to fall in love. In case you haven't been paying attention, we are down to the final 3: The weirdo robot who is incapable of love, Caila, the obvious winner from the start, Lauren, and fun-loving hottie with the possessive brothers, JoJo. Which 2 is he in love with?!? Anyone but Robo-Caila, please...


Speak of the devil- Ben's first date this week is with Caila. And I am tempted to just fast forward through this entire segment. How many more times do I need to see her smile excessively and not say anything of substance? Pass. Literally this entire date is them sitting on a river raft in awkward total silence. And occasionally kissing. And talking about how anxious they are. This is so uncomfortable, I can't even deal. I'm sure even the riverboat rower is ready to throw himself overboard just to get away from the awkwardness. Get her out. Later at the nighttime portion of the date, they talk about how weird she was acting earlier in the day. She spends about 30 minutes trying to put a sentence together in order to get out the words that she is in love with him. Just spit it out, for goodness sakes! How are you going to spend the rest of your life with someone who needs hours just to get out a complete thought. Ben is apparently really happy that Caila finally figured out how to say three words, and now she is back to normal, yay! Now that we've taken care of that, it's time to spend the night in the fantasy suite!!! I hope for Ben's sake that they won't be doing much talking in there... because any more of that would be pure torture. Caila is confident that Ben loves her back, even though he doesn't say it, but I'm not so sure... we'll find out later!


The next date of the week goes to Lauren, and we cannot wait. Finally, someone who is actually a real, living human being! This date is already 1927124 times better than the first one, not to mention they are going to be saving baby turtles. But really. Lauren + Ben + baby turtles. Could this be any cuter?!? I am literally dying. LOVE ALL OF THIS. Later, they have a pretty serious conversation where Ben tells Lauren that she is too good for him. That's exactly what I said about Ben with Kaitlyn! They are both people that are just too good for everyone else, which makes them perfect for each other. BEN AND LAUREN PLEASE!!!! Lauren does tell Ben that he is the man of her dreams, but she still hasn't told him that she loves him. What are you waiting for?!? Just do it! He obviously loves you too!!! They decide to head to the fantasy suite together and Lauren is excited to just "do us." Yeah, we know. FINALLY once they are in the suite, Lauren works up the courage to tell Ben that she loves him. And then... WHAT. Ben tells Lauren that he loves her too. Ben!!! You aren't supposed to say that yet, when you still have THREE women left!!! And then they both say it over and over again. IS THIS THE END OF THE SEASON YET? Why is anyone else still even there???? She is clearly the winner. Send everyone else home now!!! Amazing.

So, even though Ben told Lauren he loves her (repeatedly), he still has another date to go on this week. And another fantasy suite. How can you be in love with someone, and take someone else on an overnight date...? Am I the only one who is a bit weirded out by this? I guess we need to just ignore this fact and enjoy the date with our other fave, JoJo. Their date today involves JoJo rocking her insanely hot bikini bod while jumping into waterfalls with Ben. I mean, how can Ben NOT love this? JoJo is actually able to spill her guts to Ben and admit that she is in love with him, and... WHAT. Ben professes his love for JoJo as well. BEN! YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THIS!!!! You can't tell TWO women that you love them, especially when there are still really three left! Didn't the producers tell you the unwritten rules??? You're not supposed to say that until the very end!!! You are going to tear some hearts apart!!! I mean, I love them both too, but this seems kind of unfair. Don't just go throwing those words around! So even though Ben loves JoJo, he is still a bit wary about the brother situation. JoJo does all she can to assuage his fears, and Ben thinks he can handle it. Love can get them through anything! Anyway, they have an amazing fantasy suite experience, and Ben is conflicted, blah blah.

Now for the part we've been waiting for... time to break Caila's heart! But do robots even have hearts to break? Caila is still sure that Ben loves her back, but we know the truth! I love knowing something these dumb dumbs don't know. Smile more and tell me how happy you are to see Ben! So Caila decides to surprise Ben and heads to his house smiling and giggling, and I guess doesn't hear the somber soundtrack in the background... it's bad news for you, Caila... She sneaks up on Ben, and all he can think is, "ohhhh fuck...." Now he has to get rid of her now, instead of waiting until later. How can I do this diplomatically...? Ben does a good job letting her down easy, but does he seriously call her "kiddo"? Did that just happen? Gag me. Calia decides it is time to go, and even as she is crying, she is smiling. Does her robot programming not allow her to stop smiling? Surprisingly enough, Caila pulls a ballsy move and decides to question Ben about everything that happened this week. We know what she is really asking- why did you sleep with me if you were going to send me home? Dick. Ben plays it cool and assuages her fears, and Caila finally leaves. Smile-crying. Ben tries to pull out some tears but let's be honest, he dodged a bullet with that one. Weirdo...

So, don't forget, we still have a rose ceremony this week, even though it is already down to two. These girls need to get their roses! JoJo and Lauren arrive, and start to look around a bit... ummm where is Caila? Gone? Makes sense. Just give us the roses and let's get this show on the road. At the end of the day, Ben is a bit conflicted from being in love with two women. Sorry Ben, but you have to send one of them home! Or try to figure out a sister-wives situation. That might be the best idea.


Before we find out who he chooses, we have Women Tell All next week! Get ready for a dramatic night of bitches whining and crying. I for one cannot wait. Until then...