Week 4 Recap: I'm Zen with Ben

Tonight is the night that Olivia's true colors will finally come out, and we cannot wait to see the horror that ensues. Not only that, but this week the whole gang is heading to.... Vegas! The marriage capital of the world! Olivia is thrilled to possibly see Celine, the twins are thrilled to show him around their beautiful hometown, and all of them are ready to slut it up by the pool.

The first Vegas one-on-one date goes to... JoJo! And I am pretty excited because I have been quietly loving her for a while now. Like, now that I hate Olivia, I am all about JoJo as my number one fave. The other girls are of course jealous, but Olivia is cool with it, because she is totally "zen with Ben." (????) But those death stares when he comes in for JoJo's date... dang girl. Watch those dagger eyes, Olivia.

JoJo's date involves a helicopter that literally blows the cocktail table to topple onto them as it lands. Obviously a table falling onto you is THE most romantic thing that can happen, and causes them to make out as the helicopter finishes landing. SO romantic! They make out some more in the helicopter (is this really the entire date?!?) and later have their dinner date where they chat about their deep emotional pasts, blah blah. But does anyone else notice that when JoJo talks about her past relationship, she never uses a male pronoun, and keeps saying "that person," "they," etc? Does this make anyone else think that her last relationship was with a woman??? I mean, it's totally cool, but definitely weird that she would never refer to the sex of her last partner... My investigative reporting is on this one! I wonder if this will come out at all later...? Hmm.

Next, Ben has his group date with what seems like what, 15 women? So. Many. Of them. Notables on this date: the twins, crazy Jubilee, and newly hated bitch Olivia. And they will be having a talent competition. Shock of the night... NONE of them have any real talent!!! Oh wait, the twins finally pull out one redeeming quality in this entire season, in the form of Irish dancing skills. Let's hope they are good enough for this talent to support them for the rest of their lives!! Lord knows their intellects won't. Once the girls are all ready to go, their host for the night tells them that they will be performing for a real Las Vegas crowd... oh my gosh!!! I've never seen the Bachelor before so I had no reason to believe that walking into an empty theater meant I would be performing for a crowd! This is shocking. I hope the audience likes my slutty showgirl costume and my ass shaking all over the stage! How could they not? Well apparently Olivia's talent is literally popping out of a cake and walking around laughing awkwardly in a disgusting costume. Soooo uncomfortable. Even Ben knows it's a trainwreck. Good work, Olivia, this will surely get you the rose! Luckily for her, she watched Chris's season and took notes on Kelsey's infamous "panic attack" scene, and clearly practiced that more than her talent show performance. Because this is on point! With any luck, Ben will come running to save her from her panic, and she'll get the pity rose JUST LIKE KELSEY DID. Or who knows, maybe Ben will also realize that this is taken straight out of LAST SEASON. At least go for a move more than a few months old... That's amateur status, Olivia. She's so bummed about getting Ben's "pity hug," but getting a pity rose would be just fine.

Fortunately or unfortunately for us, the date is still going on and we get to sit through more uncomfortable conversation. Ben reassures Olivia that she didn't embarrass herself (he missed the panic attack portion), and we all know he is just being nice. By the way, Olivia, the reason you feel a different connection now isn't all because of today. Remember last week when you likened his friends dying to your hatred of your cankles? Yeah, I think that was what dug your whole for you... Today just sealed your fate. Maybe if your panic attack came while Ben was actually around... Critical error. Try that next time. Meanwhile, Ben has some good make out sessions with all the other ladies, but especially Lauren B. It really just seems like the interaction there is so much different than with anybody else. Ben even reassures her that she should never worry about his feelings towards her, and if past seasons showed us anything (ahem, Kaitlyn and Sean), when someone says that, it mean's you're going to win. Later, Olivia decides that it is NOT okay that she didn't make out with Ben at all yet today, so why not go interrupt Emily's conversation and get that kiss?? Even with that desperate attempt, the group date rose goes to Lauren B OF COURSE, and Olivia is questioning everything. Poor girl!

The next day brings the last one-on-one of the week with.. Becca. Ugh. The virgin? Really? You know where this will (not) go. A box arrives with a gift for her- a stunning wedding dress that of course looks gorgeous on her. But let's be honest- Jubilee the bitch totally tells it like it is when she says that Becca is the best person to be wearing white... hasn't lost it in the last 26 years, isn't gonna lose it today. Amazing. Becca is whisked off to meet Ben, who is in a chapel, in a tux, and getting down on one knee.... And he asks Becca to... help him marry other people since he is now an ordained minister! OH my god, I actually thought he was seriously proposing even though there are still 20 other women here! I was so nervous and I'm so relieved! Phew! So these lucky(?) engaged couples get to be married by Ben and Becca today, and I am sure this is the most special aspect of their wedding day. Thank you ABC for making this incredible special Bachelor event happen for these people! What would they do without you? Becca is thrilled to be doing this with Ben today- after all, she understands the sanctity of marriage better than any of those whores back at the house. Can't wait until later when she makes out with him with no intention of going any farther! Enjoy, Ben.

Later, they have a romantic evening where Ben is ready to ask the real questions about her ability to "love" and "feel," aka, how set in stone is this virginity pact she has...?  Not shockingly, Becca starts off the conversation by literally bashing the shit out of Chris Soules. Apparently she cares WAY more this time and wants to get to know Ben way more than Chris. You bitch! You were in the top 2! Chris almost proposed to you, and you are finally admitting that you barely even liked him. I mean, I knew this all along but really. What a bitch. Ben also asks her if she cares about his lack of virginity (no), and asks her if this is hard for her to do (no, because she doesn't know what she is missing). It seems really clear that she is NOT gonna give it up until she is married, and I'm like, come on Ben, there are clearly better options here. Who WILL give it up. Don't waste your time here. She does get the rose, and I get it.. she's gorgeous and acts all sweet. But she is the worst. Get her out.

One last surprise before the end of the episode, and I knew this was coming sooner or later- a 2-on-1 with the twins! Ben needs to finally choose one and get rid of the other so he doesn't have to spend every date just trying to figure out who is who. Ben has the twins take him to their childhood home in Vegas so he can get to know them a bit better. He needs to know that they are individuals too! They each get to take him into their bedrooms and explain why they are the better twin. But really, can he even tell them apart right now?? Apparently he is feeling stronger about one of them than the other and I'm like, really....... are you going to keep either of them at the end?? Just make it easier for everyone and send them both home now. So he sends home Haley (and I swear he doesn't even know which one of them is Haley when he's saying her name), and these tears start flowing! But really. You're 23 and hot and live in Vegas. I think you're gonna be okay. Emily and Ben awkwardly cuddle and make out on the limo ride back to the hotel, but I guarantee Emily won't be happy there without her sister, and this won't last more than another week, maybe 2. But wasn't it a great storyline while it lasted?!

It's finally time for the cocktail party and Jennifer grabs him right away, and we are all happy because Jennifer is great. But without fail, Olivia takes off to interrupt them after like 5 minutes. She needs to apologize for the millionth time about the talent show incident, and we are all so over these dumb apologies. But of course sweet sweet Ben assures her that she doesn't need to keep apologizing! Ben.. stop being so nice, I can't take it any more. After their chat, Olivia tells JoJo that she already declared her love for Ben and that he reciprocated that love. What world is she living in...? Don't make JoJo doubt her relationship with him, which is actually real and not contrived in her mind like yours! Bitch is getting crazier by the minute.

The rose ceremony begins and apparently all eyes are on Olivia. Hmm. At the end of the night it comes down to Olivia possibly getting the last rose again. And... she does. So lame. You can't pull this last rose crap two weeks in a row... We get that the producers want suspense, but it's getting old. Just get rid of her already. Instead, we say goodbye to unemployed Rachel (the only one without a kiss) and Amber (thank God) and even though Amber tries to make a scene, it is relatively uneventful. Next week will hopefully be the end for my least faves including Jubilee and Olivia, but you never know what the producers will make happen! We'll find out soon enough!

Week 3 Recap: It's Really Hard Having Cankles...

It's week 3, everyone! Big things are ahead. This week will hopefully be the end of the road for some of the producer's choices like everyone's favorite drama queen, Lace. These acts of insanity can't possibly go on much longer! We open the show with a reminder that Olivia is a mean girl, and everyone hates her, blah blah. But Olivia is comfortable in her relationship, and there are TWO one-on-one dates this week, so anything could happen!

Our first date this week is a one-on-one and Ben chooses... Lauren B to join him. She is clearly a front runner, as she seems super nice and normal, and is of course also beautiful. She could actually have a decent chance of being an equal match for Ben  (if that's even possible). Ben is taking her to do something sooooo scary and nerve wrecking, that will definitely require Ben to comfort her! So, Lauren B is a flight attendant, and Ben is taking her on a plane, and she is soooo scared. Really? I mean, I've never been on a biplane, but I can't imagine it's that terrifying for someone who flies every day. But what do I know? Luckily, Ben is doing this with her! I'm sure the whole thing will be just like their relationship- it will go up really fast, there will be some smooth sailing, there may be bumps at times, but at the end they will get through it together! (Didn't you miss those Bachelor analogies??)

Ben later takes LB to a random grassy land in the middle of nowhere... with a hot tub randomly just sitting there. What is it with Ben and hot tubs in strange locations? This is the second time in 2 weeks that this has happened.  Can we also talk about how he sends her to go behind a tree to change? So weird. They make out for a while in the hot tub, and later have a romantic dinner where they talk about their feelings and their families, blah blah. She gets a rose, they go to some random concert and make out some more. And we all think, aren't they just perfect for each other??? We'll see.

Meanwhile back at the house, Caila already has a complete emotional breakdown, week 3. She JUST realized that there are other girls here! Remember that time you dumped your boyfriend because you saw him on this show last season?? And NOW you are figuring out how this whole thing worked? Winner.

Next, we have the big group date this week. They are going to work as a team this week and do some great girl bonding by playing soccer. The girls get to learn some great skills from 2 members of the US national team, including Alex Morgan, who according to some, is a better choice than any of the girls on this date. Just ditch these losers and go after her, Ben! The girls have to play a game where the winning team gets... you guessed it- more time with Ben. And the losing team gets sent back to the mansion! Yeah, sorry, you will send these girls back home over their dead bodies. They are NOT going back without more Ben-time. Must win situation! You know what's a good strategy, making the dumbest girl on your team be your goalie. Oh Lace. We're allowed to use our hands? Who knew? Luckily they eventually put in Emily as goalie- she's an expert because she is apparently used to balls flying at her face (but it is usually more fun than this). At the end of the game, the stripes team wins, which means Olivia is going to the cocktail party, and poor "injured" Rachel is sent back to the house with the losing team. Boo hoo. Enough tears please.

Later, at the cocktail party, Olivia the supposed bitch, pulls Ben aside before anyone else gets the chance to. How dare she make an aggressive move?!? She always gets time with him! Relax girls, she just knows how to play this game better than you! Have any of you actually watched any past seasons? This is how you stick around. These girls know how to get back at her though- let's talk crap about her toes and her breath! That'll get her. Later, Amber finally gets some time alone with Ben and opens up about how she is soo happy to be here with him, blah blah. And it pays off, because she gets a kiss AND the date rose. Please. I've been over Amber for a long time now. Did Ben not watch Bachelor in Paradise? She was awful then and she's awful now. But sure, give her the rose for now.

Meanwhile, the final date card arrives at the house, and Jubilee is literally having emotional mental breakdowns. This is the hardest and most intense situation she has ever experienced!! Wait a second, aren't you a war veteran? Weren't you IN A WAR? And THIS is killing you emotionally? Luckily for her entire well-being, she gets the one-on-one date and is sooooooo excited. Except when it comes time for the date she gets suuuuper weird and awkward and all she cares about is that Ben is "20 minutes late" and starts acting like she doesn't even want to go. Stop being so self-deprecating and pouty. Is she even going to be fun? Enjoy your helicopter ride in nice close quarters with this bitch. Ben takes her to a health spa, and I can only hope they get some hot tub time! Jubilee is super awkward, and she and Ben literally sit like across the room from each other when talking. Not exactly screaming romance here... Later, she calls him "white boy" and he laughs, and then even later, she explains for about 5 minutes why it was so great that he laughed when she called him "white boy." "It's so great that I can make racist comments and that you appreciate them!" And I am literally trying to rip my ears off so I don't have to listen to the weirdest most awkward date I've seen in a while. PLEASE GOD END THIS!!!

Later, Jubilee opens up with her sob story, and we find out that her entire family has died except for her, and she has been feeling guilty about it her whole life. GOOD LORD. He can obviously not send her home after THIS! Ben is way too nice of a guy and that story was way too depressing for him to not give her the rose. So of course she gets a rose, but this is NOT going to work out, because clearly she is freaking nuts. Even the girls are all shocked when she is at the house the next day. Because she is the worst.

Finally, at the cocktail party, Olivia literally ruins every ounce of positive feelings I had towards her. So, Ben comes in and announces that 2 very close friends of his died tragically the day before and he is clearly really torn up. And I just want to hug him! So Olivia immediately steals him away to chat, and we all expect her to comfort him, but instead she brings up... her lower body...? And how she hates her legs. And she starts almost crying about it. And Ben is like... people I love just died. And you are telling me about your cankle problems? Nope, sorry Olivia, we are done.

Next up, Jubilee makes everyone hate her even more by giving Ben a nice intimate massage even though she already has a rose!!! What a shock, the girls hate the people who already have roses? What else is new? The girls try to confront her about (???) and she runs away because she doesn't like drama. What a bitch! Trying to avoid drama??? How dare she! Finally, Amber corners Jubilee, with Ben there awkwardly moderating? Or is Amber really just straight up calling Jubilee out right in front of Ben? Ben is literally like their father trying to calm down two sisters having a bitch fight. How can he possibly want to be with either of those girls after that embarrassing meltdown? And just when we think the drama is finally all settled down, Lace asks to talk to Ben. She starts having a total meltdown and cries about how she has a lot of work to do on herself. Yes. That is true. She sends herself home and this is the most sane thing she has done all season. BYE LACE. We won't miss you.

Finally the rose ceremony starts and we will be saying goodbye to 2 more girls. The entire time, Olivia is panicking because everyone else is getting roses but her. But, SHOCK, she gets the last rose of the night! I guess he may as well keep her around since they do have chemistry after all... But I am OVER her. Get out of here, cankles. I've changed my mind on you. Instead, 2 random girls who we don't even really know get sent home, how uneventful. It appears that next week, everyone is going to finally come to blows with Olivia, and the drama is going to explode even more. I cannot wait to see their lives completely unravel before our eyes. Until then...

Week 2 Recap: Can Anyone Locate Indiana?

It's week 2, Bachelor fans! Another SHOCKING episode is ahead of us I'm sure. What will Ben, "the greatest Bachelor on the planet of history" do to impress us this week?? Without wasting any time, we start with the first date card of the season. Luckily, Lace gets invited onto the first group date, and she's excited to potentially make out with him all day, then get a ring. I mean, she did get a little too drunk the first night, but she's ready for some serious eye contact today.

For Ben's first date of the season, he just wants to be fun and goofy, so he's taking them all to high school! I mean, when I think fun and goofy date, I think high school. The girls get to do a whole series of classroom challenges, and the winner gets to be Homecoming Queen! (Obviously the sign of success in school.) The girls first have to "make Ben's volcano erupt," and we find out that (shocker) Lace wasn't very good at school. We also discover that Becca and JoJo can't identify Indiana in shape or location. What a great crop of girls here! In other news, apparently Ben wishes his teachers were all this hot in high school, because he would have paid more attention. I think if I was a high school teacher I'd feel super weird about that comment... Oh wait...

At the end of the competition, Mandi, AKA super freak weirdo dentist, wins the whole thing and becomes Homecoming Queen. which means we have to watch more Mandi screen time. No thanks. (I think the producers had the same thought, because thankfully they cut most of that out.) At the cocktail party that night, we have to see more of boring virgin Becca, Ben's first kiss of the season with Jennifer, and Lace's eyes bulge further out of her head. In case we forgot, Lace is NOT okay with Ben being into other girls. She has yet another conversation apologizing for being psycho and sweet sweet Ben forgives her of course. They are so close (?) to kissing when stupid Jubilee disrupts them. Ughhhh this was going to be their perfect moment of beautiful eye contact!!! Jubilee wins the award for "first sob story of the season" AND her story even gets her a kiss. Nice strategy! Lace decides to try a new strategy called, "F*ck these bitches, bitches can suck it" and goes back for more time, and (fingers crossed) maybe a kiss?!? (No). Despite all the other strategies, JoJo's "sit back and wait for Ben to take me to a special location" strategy seems to work best and earns her the rose. Bitch, you did not! Despite JoJo's lack of geography skills, I actually have nothing against her at this point, and I am fine with the rose decision (consider that a win).

Back at the house, the first one-on-one date card arrives and goes to... Olivia Caila! WHAT? Not Olivia? Not possible. So for this date, Chris Harrison has invited Ice Cube and Kevin Hart to take Ben and Caila on a Ride Along. Sounds amazing. First stop: the liquor store to pick up some Hennessy and condoms. Second stop: hot tub shopping. They enjoy a romantic hot tub hangout, in the store, complete with champagne and Kevin Hart 3rd-wheeling. Thank you Chris Harrison for this entertainment. Though let's be honest, bringing a comedian on the date is nothing new these past few seasons... We need some originality here, Chris. So even though Caila's story about dumping her boyfriend for the idea of Ben Higgins turned me off a bit, I do think she's much better for him than most of these dumb-dumbs. At least for now...She gets the rose, and they get a private concert. And Ben sings to her and we all swoon. GAHH BEN WE LOVE YOU.

Finally it's time for our last group date, and to see what supposedly will make Olivia the house bitch... Ben takes them to a "love lab" to use science to prove his level of love with each of the women. Surprise, we find out that the twins don't know much about science, but hopefully that won't keep them from passing the compatibility test! After Ben smells all the girls and tests their thermal reactions, we find out that, shock, Olivia has the highest compatibility with him. And now it's Olivia vs. the House! So basically, she doesn't do anything wrong, she just is the best match for Ben and is confident about it. That bitch! In other news, do you think Ben is able to tell the twins apart yet? Or is he just guessing who is who? (This is all I can think about). So later, even though Amanda pours her heart out about her children (and Ben is REALLY excited about the prospect of having kids already), he gives the rose to Olivia. And okayyy finally Olivia's bitch side really comes out. Tone it down, girlfriend. We don't need the whole "I'm in charge of this house" act. Just act normal. K thanks.

So for some great news, it looks like we will actually get a rose ceremony tonight! Are the producers finally ending the bullshit of "to be continued" episodes that NOBODY enjoyed?!? Please say yes. At the cocktail party, Olivia gets even more time with Ben (ugh!), but luckily Lace is handling this. Lace takes it upon herself to chat with Olivia and make it clear that we all need our time with Ben! Once she does get her time with Ben, Lace makes it clear to him that she is very bold and she is a lot to handle, but it's only because she was an ugly child!!! (?) She can't help it! Poor Ben is just TOO nice to cut her off in this conversation but (thankfully) once again another girl interrupts them! Right in the middle of her ugly kid story! Suddenly Lace goes in to full-on panic mode. Whyyy did I tell that story to Ben?? Whyyy do I keep telling him how crazy I am?? Because this bitch. is. crazy. Later on, Ben shows us how absolutely AMAZING he is by bringing little gifts/mementos for all the girls he cares about, and even making hair barrettes with Amanda for her little girls. GOD BEN WHY ARE YOU SO INCREDIBLE I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE THIS ANYMORE.

I'm not sure Ben will even be able to send anyone home (too nice), but let's hope for some major cuts tonight. Gotta get rid of the lame-os and crazies. So, either Ben is WAY too nice, or he's still letting the producers have say in his picks, because Lace gets a rose. Can't wait for another week of that fun. Some rando, LB, decides to leave (should we be sad about that?), so Ben is able to keep Amber around, even though she's had like NO time with him. Thankfully, weirdo dentist Mandi goes home, as does the sour-smelling chick and some other rando. See ya!

It looks like next week will be FULL of crying and some crazy bitch drama, and I for one cannot wait. Can't wait to see who really emerges as the House Bitch....

Week 1 Recap: More Eye Contact Please...

And just like that, The Bachelor is back! And I am sure it will prove to be the most SHOCKING season EVER. In case you've been living under a rock for the last few months, Ben H is the new Bach. Which of course most people are ecstatic about, because, let's be honest, he is insanely hot. Like, I'm pretty sure he keeps getting hotter each time we see him. But you all know I was always pro-Jared and I will not get over Ben being chosen over him. Really. When will Jared find love?!?

But back to Ben. Luckily, before the women arrive, Ben gets some stellar advice from some superstar Bachelor alums- Sean, Chris, and Jason. Are they just here to remind us that Ben H is a million times hotter than previous Bachelors, and therefore actually was a good choice? Chris advises Ben to just kiss everyone, even if it's in front of everyone else, and we are so thankful for the advice from someone with such a successful Bachelor-made relationship. Oh wait...??

The time comes to check out some of Ben's prospects! A personal favorite is Caila, who broke up with her boyfriend after watching Ben come out of the limo last season. Really. From watching a stranger on TV. Winner! And then... these twins. I already want to punch them in the face. It's like the most annoying person you've ever met, but there's two of them, If I was living in the house with them, I would quit the first night just to get the hell away from them. Can't wait for more of that! We also get a psycho dentist, a token single mom, and a freak who can't live without her chickens. WHO IS PICKING THESE WOMEN FOR BEN??? Ben is literally the hottest, nicest, most amazing person the Bachelor has seen in a long time. Maybe ever. The problem last season was that Kaitlyn was literally nowhere near good enough for him, and therefore couldn't pick him. He needs someone absolutely incredible to even get up to his level. So. Come on casting team. Please tell me we have ANYONE worthy. 

The women start arriving at the mansion, and I seriously hate all of them. I don't know if I'm just getting too old for this crap, or if these women's intros are just getting worse and worse. Naturally the girls freak out about seeing the twins, but I mean, really. Are you worried that he is going to marry one of the 22 year old twins from Las Vegas? Because he's not. I am pretty excited about the chick with the mini horse actually, and I can't wait to see what that beast does once it hits 3 AM and it's feeding time. The anti-gluten freak breaking the bread was too much for me, and even worse than the unicorn chick. Finally we get ONE that I really like- Olivia the news anchor. I am pretty sure she's my favorite, and might just be Ben's favorite so far too. She MIGHT just be good enough for him. We will see.

Ben has just enough time for a spontaneous dental exam and a chat with the mini horse, when another limo arrives... SHOCKER of the night- some alums are backkkkk..... Becca the virgin and Amber the (?) are here to meet Ben! First things first- Chris Harrison HAS to know: Is Becca prepared to give her virginity to Ben? If not, just leave now. Apparently Becca is a huge threat, but I'm trying to figure out why.. Yeah she's pretty but I remember her as being kind of a dud. And let's not forget, a virgin.

Meanwhile, Ben shows us yet again how he is literally the greatest person ever. He is the anti-Chris Soules, and decides that he needs to get to know the women before getting physical. Not only that, but he also pulls aside the drunk bitch Lace to make her feel better after their interrupted conversation, so she doesn't have to worry the rest of the night. A great guy even to a drunk bitch! How can you not love that? Later, Ben does what I was hoping he would do, and gives the first impression rose to Olivia, my current fave. Good work, Ben. Now let's send some of these immature crazies home!

The rose ceremony begins and we are ready to cut this group down significantly! Or so we can hope. Early on, he picks some actual decent girls, and things look promising. But we know the producers aren't going to let him cut all the crazies on night one! He does keep both of the twins and we are sooo shocked..... They have to stay for at least another week or two to make it worth it. Becca and Amber both get roses, even though they've already been through this once... ughhhh. But really, who even cares. But the bigger shock- that psycho freak dentist rose-head gets to stay. Clearly that was the producer decision and not Ben's. So I guess we have to get through at least one more week of that weirdo. Can't wait. The final rose of the night goes to drunk Lace, even though she was sureeeee that he didn't even know she was there. And some really nice girls go home instead. What else is new? Lace decides this is the perfect chance to start some drama, and since he didn't make eye contact during the rose ceremony, she might as well go home. I mean, he didn't even look at her. Not even ONCE. Ben can see the drama already developing with her, and hopefully he will be smart enough to see this red flag and do something about it. Soon! But for now, these girls are sticking around.

As always, the previews leave us dying to see what happens this season, and it looks like there will be a TON of girl drama. But what else is new? We can already see that my favorite, Olivia, is possibly going to be a fake, and that Becca may just get another shot at losing the V-card. Can't wait to see how this season plays out. But let's be honest, how will Ben EVER find someone good enough for him?!? Stay tuned for more updates as this SHOCKING season progresses!

P.S. Chris Harrison + Mini Horse  = best relationship this show has ever seen.