Monday, January 16, 2017

The Bachelor Week 3: Backstreets Back (And I Die)

So we are into Week 3 of the Bachelor, and there are definitely 2 main story lines so far: The slutty girl from his past and the slutty girl of his present.

1. Liz. Nick had a one night stand with her, and then she came on the show. And as with most one night stands, Liz overstayed her welcome and Nick wanted her to get the eff out. So he sent her home. And then had to tell all the other women about it. And OH MY GOD WHAT?!? Nick had SEX with a woman once???!?? Girls... have you seen this show? He actually has done the deed with Andi, Kaitlyn, and Jen... and those are only the ones we know about from TV. So... maybe get over it and stop wasting your own one-on-one time talking to him about how he felt about the situation... Also, props to Nick for being straight up with all the women and completely coming clean. Though are we surprised? Loyal fans will remember he was the first to ever explicitly state what we all assumed about the Fantasy Suite back in Andi's season. He is NOT shy about outing himself for his sexual exploits, and I doubt he will hide anything else this season. Which leads me to...

2. Corinne. She has clearly read the Bachelor playbook "How to Win the Game AND Become the House Villain." So far she is doing everything right- dressing like a huge slut, making out with Nick as much as possible, getting naked and having him grab her boobs, making him lick whipped cream off her nipples, and generally oozing sex. Oh and it's only the first week. So, SHOCK- Nick enjoys it and is veryyyy attracted to her, but feels like maybeeee he shouldn't submit to her sexual advances when he is still dating 20 other women and he's known her 3 days. This chick knows what she wants and is going to greater lengths to get it than this show has seen before. Impressive. I, along with most woman viewers, am pretty disgusted by these actions, but am I surprised? Not at all. This is how girls have gotten attention every season, so why not try? The real first here is that Corinne straight up doesn't even come to the rose ceremony, and just passes out in her bed with her rose instead. Has this ever happened before??!? You're safe so you just don't show up?!? This has hit a new level of House Bitch for sure. Amazing. What else will this chick come up with??? Dying to see.

In other news, HOLY CRAP this week they get to meet THE BACKSTREET BOYS. I literally wish I was on this season solely because they get to meet and dance with BSB. (Yes I know I am married but OMG it's BSB!!!!!!!!!). I spent many years of my life worshiping BSB, and I would definitely pick Nick Carter over Nick Viall right now. I don't even care about how annoying Corinne is being on this date, all I care about is singing along to Backstreets Back.
Aside from the amazing BSB date, the real standout story line for me this week is the dichotomy between the type of girl Nick SHOULD be with (Vanessa) and the type of girl he/many men like to pursue (Corinne). Which side will prevail? It's clear to us that Corinne is awful. She's 24 and can't get through the day without her nanny.. she uses her sex appeal for everything she wants.. etc. So will Nick be able to make a smart decision? We will see. He clearly enjoys jumping with Corinne in a bouncy house while her bathing suit flies off of her. Because she is so FUN! But classy and sophisticated Vanessa is ready to call him out on his bullshit. What will happen next?!? I guess we will have to tune in next week to find out... Until then!

Monday, January 2, 2017

The Bachelor Week 1: A Shark. Who Thinks She's a Dolphin.

Well here it is- the moment Nick Viall has been waiting for his entire fame-seeking life- HE is THE center of media attention Bachelor! I joke, I joke. I actually am really excited for Nick to be the Bachelor. Any of my loyal readers will know that historically, I have NOT been a Nick fan. Ever. Remember how many horrible and insulting things I said about him when he was just that super creep on Andi's season, or the house villain on Kaitlyn's season? Well things have changed. Anyone who watched the reality masterpiece that is Bachelor in Paradise knows that Nick has gone from the runner-up everyone hates, to someone we actually like, or dare I say- LOVE. Maybe seeing someone propose and get rejected three times on national television will make you change your feelings... Or maybe he just somehow got way more attractive and way more charming over the course of last summer. Regardless, I actually love him now with his little smile and snark, and I can't wait for the fourth time to be a charm!!!

Per usual, we start the season with exciting introductions to the more important contestants, and some generally crazy bitches. So instead of commenting on every woman in the house, here are some general thoughts during this first episode...
  • Apparently Nick's type is powerful business women. Interesting. So many of these women own businesses and/or have legit jobs. It's nice to know that he's not intimidated by high powered women! 
  • Do you think Nick is tired of everyone making comments/jokes about his past experience on the Bachelor shows?? Because we've heard a LOT of them. Also, telling The Bachelor that all your friends think he's a piece of shit is probably not the best first impression. Hmm. 
  • Just because Nick has banged a bunch of Bachelor alums (and I mean a BUNCH), it doesn't mean he is going to sleep with everyone on the show. Okay, maybe just that one chick who he already drunkenly hooked up with at Jade & Tanner's wedding. And doesn't remember. And she's okay that he doesn't remember it... But that doesn't mean it's going to happen again this season! Right?
  • Red is apparently the popular color of the season. No joke, half the girls are wearing long red gowns. Did they all google "what is Nick Viall's favorite color?" and the first result was "red"? Or was it "what color would most make Nick Viall want to bang me?" Because the answer to that must have also been "red". Or "shark costume." Either way, both are popular tonight.
  • Nick saying "that's an incredible dress" is clearly code for "I like your boobs". And he's used that phrase a few times now. So, there's that.
  • I actually love Nick's sense of humor and his jokes about sending girls home and how the dolphin chick is crazy (she doesn't even know she's really a shark!). This is the Nick that we saw on Bachelor in Paradise, and it's great. Not your typical boring Sean Lowe or Chris Soules here. So far loving it.
50 Shades of Red
So in typical first rose ceremony fashion, a ridiculous amount of girls get roses, and I don't really care about any of them yet. All I know is the shark/dolphin girl got one, as did the girl he already banged. So. Lots of excitement to come I'm sure. And I do always love the fact that the girls who get sent home walk out of the house in daylight. Because it's like 6 am by that point.

Scenes from this season look pretty good, and it wouldn't be Nick's season without some major sex-related drama. Looking forward to that! I haven't picked any favorites yet (but I have picked my LEAST favorite, Corinne), but I am sure Nick's future wife is there!!! Stay tuned for my thoughts as the most dramatic season of The Bachelor continues!