Monday, May 25, 2015

Week 2 Recap: This Isn't Church Camp

Can I just start by saying what everyone is thinking right now? Nobody even cares what happens this episode- all we want to know is who Kaitlyn is going to bang, and we are all just waiting for the sex scandal episode. So. I guess we'll just try to get through tonight... We are first reminded (in case we forgot) that some of these guys originally voted for Britt, and shouldn't those guys all get out of here?!

Oh yeah, speaking of Britt... she's still on the show. Remember that to-be-continued side story? Well it seems like they are going to be dragging out this Brady-Britt storyline for as long as it lasts they can force it. Britt wasn't ready to give up her 5 minutes of fame, and America isn't ready to give up on her! I'm sure this will be true love... I guess we will find out throughout this episode, or even throughout this season, God help us.

Anyway, Kaitlyn is starting out with a group date that will "end in a ring," and from the previews we know that means boxing. It could be fun to watch these guys beat the crap out of each other, but I always feel like group dates at this stage are a waste of my time. I never remember any of them and there isn't really a chance for a real connection... We'll see if this proves me wrong. Laila Ali is there to train them/explain to the guys the similarities between boxing and a relationship, and you may be surprised to know that this is JUST like falling in love. And it is also a good way to get these guys ridiculously sweaty. As you could expect, the guys are beating the living Hell out of each other during this tournament, and can we talk about how unevenly matched the guys are- there are like 50 lb differences between a lot of the match-ups. Which could explain why Jared is like seriously hurt and needs to go to the hospital. Fun date!

Fight for me, bitches.
Later on, Kaitlyn starts to get to know the guys, and we get our first sob story from Ben Z., which Kaitlyn loves of course. During her chat with one guy, a producer hands Kaitlyn a note and she heads outside where Jared is waiting in his workout gear. Apparently he was cleared by the hospital to go see her briefly, but he could not go inside to the party, since he needed more rest. He did pull some smooth moves and get a kiss, and I am actually kind of liking Jared right now. And I think Kaitlyn is too... But it looks like Ben Z.'s sob story earned him the first rose of the week, and a kiss make out session. Good work, Ben.

Next, we have our first one-on-one date with Clint. Who, by the way, I think is one of the ugliest guys there. But he drew a pretty kickass picture of Chris Harrison riding a dinosaur, so I guess that somewhat makes up for the unattractiveness. Apparently they will be doing an underwater photo shoot, and I'm like, she couldn't have picked one of the hot guys for this?!? Well the photo shoot is actually not too awkward, except that they have their first kisses under water while being photographed. And then make out some more in the pool while the crew is all around. So that's kind of weird, but clearly Kaitlyn has no shame when it comes to getting physical... Clint gets a rose and it's the best date ever, blah blah, I'm bored already.

The last group date brings some excitement, with Amy Schumer helping out with some stand up comedy. Apparently Amy is not feeling JJ, and thinks he is just auditioning to be the next Bachelor. Probably true, and I am glad she is calling him out on it. The guys each have to perform for a crowd, and this could be rough...  Luckily the guys are all having some drinks before getting up there. Except Tony the Healer who decides to take this opportunity to pour out his heart about the joy in his life instead of making jokes. And everyone starts chugging their drinks. Yikes. Can he leave please?

Later that night, Kaitlyn gets to know all the guys by making out with pretty much all of them... they are bringing the "A game" apparently. JJ really impresses Kaitlyn and ends up getting the rose- but didn't she talk to Amy Schumer?!? Doesn't she want her perspective???

JJ continues his dick moves at the cocktail party when he whisks Kaitlyn away first even though he already has a rose. Why is he such a jerk? He has a daughter! He should be a better man. So the guys already all hate him, and yeah, I'm not really a fan. But as JJ says, "this isn't church camp" and they aren't there to be friends. I wonder if/when Kaitlyn will realize how douche-y he is... Later, Ian finally gets a chance to tell his sob story, and I am not sure if I like him as much as I did week 1. But Kaitlyn is feeling it, and he gets a kiss too! So, how many guys are we up to now? Ten? I've lost count. Anyway, JJ can't stop running his mouth, and brags to the guys about how he can now "hit the bar" since he's already had his time with Kaitlyn. What a great guy! Every season needs a villain and I guess they have picked JJ as theirs...

Finally, Kaitlyn sits down with Kupah to have a super weird convo. Apparently he is in the mood to confront her. He goes on and on about how she isn't giving him a chance, but he is the one who was all about Britt and questioned everything about her. So, maybe he should just leave. He is not going to win, and this is getting weird, so... leave please. He basically begs her to stay, but she is not feeling it so much anymore. Send him home. Weird. A few minutes after their chat, she overhears him talking crap about her very loudly to the other guys, and just flat out tells him to go home. And he pretty much refuses! This is getting so weird!!! At least she has some balls about her and gets rid of him straight up. That was some excitement for the episode at least! Kupah can't handle his exit interview and looks like he is getting violent, and then... TO BE CONTINUED. Which, p.s., I hate more than anything in the entire world. Dear ABC, NOBODY likes these dumb ass cliffhanger episodes where we have to wait for the rose ceremony. Stop dragging it out.

In other news, apparently Britt and Brady are full on in a relationship after a week of hanging out. Can't wait to get updates throughout the season! I'm sure it is going to last forever!

I guess we will get the rose ceremony results next week... Love this waiting! Until then...

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Week 1 Recap Part 2: And The Bachelorette Is...

Well after a complete waste of 2 hours last night, we finally get to find out who the Bachelorette will be! Can we just recap how mean and awful this situation is for these women? They get to meet 25 men, make connections, fall for some guys, and then potentially get sent packing. Again, whose idiot idea was this???

Chris Harrison starts the episode by getting right down to it and talking to the ladies. And he first goes to see Britt, where he tells her... she is NOT the Bachelorette! (secret cries of joy!) While I am happy for Kaitlyn, I also have a bit of a heart, and I do feel sad. I will not get over how mean this is. Could they not have just chosen Kaitlyn in the first place and saved some tears? Britt leaves without even the chance to say goodbye, and Chris heads over to tell Kaitlyn the news. Why does he have to be so solemn when he tells her- smile and act a little bit happy for her, geez. But really, is Chris Harrison pissed about the result? Because he literally will not even crack a smile when talking to her. Yes we feel bad for Britt, but get excited for some potential love-matches! Goodness.

Chris then reminds Kaitlyn that as the Bachelorette, her job is to hold a rose ceremony- tonight-, so she better get thinking. Okay, so really, the one thing we are all thinking- What is Kaitlyn going to do at this point with all these Britt-lovers? And what are all these Britt-lovers going to do? Really, what they should do is give the men the option to stay, or chase after Britt's limo. I mean, these guys who flat out said they only want Britt really should not be here AND they should still have the chance to find love. Talk about being here for the wrong reasons... Do we want another Bentley-Ashley-I Wish It Was Emily situation all over again?!?

Chris Harrison finally goes to the men for the big reveal, and Kaitlyn walks into a lot of applause as well as a lot of unenthusiastic clapping. Isn't she wondering who DIDN'T want her??? Immediately most of the guys start vying for her attention, and Chris even brings out the first impression rose... BTW for those keeping track, I guarantee it's around 4 am at this point, in case anyone is wondering. Some of these Britt-lovers are starting to question things, and poor Healer Tony is possibly ready to give up and drink from his own well. One of the guys (Jared?) admits to Kaitlyn that he voted for Britt, and she is so glad he told her. In fact, she said she would be really mad if she found that out later and he didn't tell her. Does that mean that ALL the Britt-voters need to tell her NOW? How is she going to react? But what if it comes out later (like in the final 4) that one of the guys didn't even initially vote for her?!? THIS IS WHY THIS ENTIRE IDEA IS RIDICULOUS AND AWFUL.

In other news, apparently this dentist/cupcake car guy has some balls, because he went in for a make out session on the first night. Who is he, Chris Soules?!? Unfortunately for him, their connection isn't the strongest, even with a make out sesh, and instead the first impression rose goes to Shawn, who ALSO gets a little make out. While I personally do not find him attractive, they are apparently really into each other, so I guess this is nice. Just hope he doesn't turn into a jerk!

Finally the rose ceremony begins, and these guys are getting nervous! Especially those major Britt-lovers like Jonathan- he literally did not even want to give Kaitlyn the time of day, and now he is worried that she will eliminate him. Why do you even want to stay at this point?! Clearly you are not here to find love if you want to stay even if the girl you like is gone. Anyway, Kaitlyn starts handing out roses, and some of the Britt-voters are getting roses! Ugh! Get these liars and fakes out of here and let the true Kaitlyn fans stay! Like, whyyyyy did she keep around weirdo Tony the healer who clearly only felt Britt's positive energy? Gross. Then shockingly, one of the guys (Brady?) who (I am pretty sure) voted for Britt, interrupts the ceremony to pull her aside to chat. GASP. What does he have to say?? I hope he is just going to excuse himself. It turns out, not only is he going to excuse himself, but he wants to find Britt to see if they can find love, and Chris Harrison is going to help him! (to be continued side story...?)

Kaitlyn appears to be a little thrown after that exit, but good riddance- I feel like that was justified. She does give a rose to Jonathan, who gladly accepts because he is not ready to go home. Yeah, this is going to end well. She sends home 4? more guys and there are still sooo many lefttttt.. I always wish they would weed out more the first night. Maybe next week. On to the previews of the rest of the season and HOLY SHIT.


Slash omggggggggg Kaitlyn is not only going to sleep with someone too soon, she is going to admit it to the other guys?!?!? The previews are making it look like she is just going to be a total slut all season long and alienate and piss off ALL the guys. Maybe I was wrong about this being the right choice (but would Britt be any better?), but OMG this is going to be insane.

The moral of the story is, I WILL be watching this season and blogging throughout, so get ready for some insane drama!!!! Wow. Damn girl.

Monday, May 18, 2015

The Bachelorette Week 1 Recap: Trophy Wife or Wife?

I have been a bit torn about even watching this season, but my fans were calling to me! In case you haven't heard, the Bachelor producers have made the worst decision in Bachelor history (or wait, maybe choosing Juan Pablo as the Bachelor was worse?).  The dumbasses at ABC couldn't choose for themselves, so the MEN are choosing between Britt and Kaitlyn to be the Bachelorette.  I just want to start by saying that I wouldn't have chosen EITHER of these women as the Bachelorette.  (I was really hoping for Michelle Money, or even Clare!  I know, I know, they are totally Paradise material instead...).  Regardless, how unfair is it that a woman isn't even in control on the Bachelorette?? Isn't this supposed to be a girl-power show where women actually get to pick and take charge?  But instead, it's in the men's hands yet again.  Thanks, ABC.  And oh by the way, this is NOT going to be "up to the men" like they are implying.  CLEARLY the producers intentionally cast the men to swing the way they want.  Why put us through the charade?  Just pick and let us have a normal season!

 I have thought a fair amount (more than I would like to admit) about which woman I think will win the position of Bachelorette.  I do NOT want Britt to win, so of course I assume she will.  Britt is so freaking fake, loves girl drama and crying, and is clearly NOT going to stay with the man who proposes to her.  On the other hand, Kaitlyn is real, funny, and would probably be able to find real love.  But Britt is probably the sexier choice to the men, which means they will pick her.  I mean, what organ do you really think the men are choosing with...?  I guess there is nothing else to do but sit back and watch the shit-show unfold!

They decide to start by introducing some of the men, and I'm like, oh yeah, is this season even about picking a guy? Because all I can think about is choosing the woman. The first man introduced looks nice, but has a 5 year old son- I'm sorry, which of these women looks like she is ready to be a step-mother?  Good pick, producers.  And why do we think strippers and musicians are going to make the best husbands? And why are we looking for another Chris Soules- clearly that didn't work.  In related news, why are NONE of these men up to the attractiveness level of either of the girls?  Really.  So. Many. Uggos.  And both the girls are so hot. My vapid self is about to give up on this show just for that reason.  (OKAY except maybe the runner with the sob story).

Finally it's time for the awkward to begin!  Apparently when the guys get out of the limo they will need pick which girl they want to go greet first, and the girls will overhear each other's convos. So. That's not uncomfortable. What happens when Britt gets chosen and there are guys around who picked Kaitlyn first... I guess they won't last long?  Isn't this going to be super weird if one of the final guys didn't initially pick the Bachelorette...?  Yes. The answer is yes. Britt is really super excited and happy about this and can't stop smiling, and Kaitlyn is understandably super weirded out and unhappy. This makes me hope even more that Britt loses.  Wipe that stupid smile off her face! So either they are editing it this way, or every guy really is going to talk to Britt first, and poor Kaitlyn is feeling neglected and uncomfortable. And yes, this is incredibly awkward. I really just want them to pick and get on with the season- I can't even focus on the guys, which is usually the best part!! Finally the hot runner gives Kaitlyn some confidence and it seems like a limo full of Kaitlyn-fans arrives, and things are starting to look up! Some guys even brought gifts for Kaitlyn and poor Britt boo-hoos about it. Maybe they don't all love her!

After a few more guys, Kaitlyn has the balls to leave her post and run into the house to say a quick hello to the guys! Ugh, this is not playing by the rules... so unfair. Ugh. You cannot show your personality!  Tonight was supposed to be purely a beauty contest and Britt was supposed to win!

Meanwhile, some of the guys in the house, mainly Ryan, are getting a little toasted as they wait.  This guy Shawn (amateur sex coach?) rolls up in a car hot tub, and waste case Ryan starts heckling him. Kaitlyn decides the drunko should get the Worst Impression Rose... And finally this dentist rolls up in a car(?) shaped like a cupcake.  I can admit, never seen that on this show before! I won't lie, this wasn't as awkward as I anticipated, and I actually think Kaitlyn has a chance. But I will maintain my assertion that this is a pretty lame group of men (with a few exceptions).

Finally the ladies get a chance to meet with the guys, and they are both making major connections and are both feeling really comfortable. Until Chris Harrison arrives riding his triceratops waving his wild rose in the air. Oh wait that was just a portrait one of the men drew (amazing btw). The voting room opens and things get a bit real, but resident healer/crazy Tony is still feeling some positive energy and some nice pulsating from Britt's box (no really, that's a true story) and is able to make his choice easily. In other news, is anyone else hoping that this comes down to a tie with Blackout Ryan as the deciding vote, but he is too passed out to be able to decide? Because that would be amazing. Does belligerently throwing the rose at the girl's portrait count as voting for her? After a few hours of shenanigans, Chris Harrison sends him home packing, but what about his vote?!?

In other news, does anyone else feel like every conversation Britt has is the fakest thing you've ever heard? I just feel like she is saying everything she is "supposed" to say, and Kaitlyn is actually super real. But the votes are in, so it is time for the big reveal...

EXCEPT NOT. Because, are you freaking kidding me, we have to wait until tomorrow to find out which girl wins.  I HATE YOU BACHELORETTE. I guess we will tune in tomorrow to decide if we are going to keep watching the rest of the season or not... wow, can't wait... I guess we will see, FINALLY, tomorrow. Til then!